Thursday, 30 March 2017

Sexual Partners, Does that Number Matter in Non-Monogamy?

Does the number of sexual partners matter to me the non monogamist as much as it did in my monogamy?

When I was monogamous, my number of sexual partners mattered to me, a lot.  It was a point of pride knowing that for the majority of my first relationship we were each others one and only sexual partner.  And after a few break ups, it mattered to him that we were even in the number of partners we had.  It was a strange hinge that kept us connected through the good and bad times.  My number of partners meant something to me in monogamy, and even more early on in my non monogamous journey.  I even kept a little black book.

I took a look in my book the other day, and while it brought back a few smiles, it also reminded me about what keeping track actually meant.  It was a way of keeping tabs on myself, and my body.  And I went on to realize just how blurry the people on that list are and why I have let the book collect dust.  It actually became hard to keep track of who was an actual number or not.  For example, do I count the non-consensual mistake that happened one Stampede morning?  Does someone taking advantage of me really constitute a sexual partner?  That one was tough to write down.  Or how about all the members of a foursome.  I was not physically intimate with the woman of it, other than kissing and some light petting.  So does she make my list? 

These blurred lines will become more and more frequent as time goes on.  And I guess there is a symmetry to getting older and putting more emphasis on how you feel rather than the year on your birth certificate.  But I cannot help but wonder, if I had remained monogamous, would that number have the same importance as it did early on.  Or is the putting away of the list linked somehow to me being non-monogamous and truly OK with it.

Or is there perhaps a third option?  And that is me growing up, and breaking free altogether with the notion of sluttiness.  I have shifted my frame of mind into a sex positive understanding of myself and those around me.  People’s sexual wants and desires are their own to explore and feel.  Just as mine are.  So what good does it do to allow my number to keep real estate in my head?  I cannot remember the last time I asked a person what their number was prior to making out or whatever could follow.  The number itself doesn’t matter.  Where my concern lies, is on safety, cleanliness and how the person will treat me.  None of those things are determined by an arbitrary number of sexual partners.

So here I find myself, no longer keeping track.  The numbers no longer matter to me.  This shift in thought was gradual, and then all but forgotten.  The focus has shifted from the mere number towards building real and solid foundations.  Towards finding a couple that really suits E and my lifestyle for more than a date or two.  A couple that wants us, as much as we want them, regardless of what is kept in a little black book.

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Confidence: When Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I wrote a post about having a good dating state of mind a few years back.  And about the importance of having confidence and being a whole person to be attractive to a potential mate.  I may even have written the phrase “fake it till you make it” a time or two in blogs past.  Now these elements are incredibly important to being a whole person, and dating in general, but there may be a place where this doesn't work out so well.  And that is when men/women who are not quite sure what they want approach someone who is currently in an open relationship.

I have non monogamous / living together on all my online profiles.  The hope from this is that guys will message me if they are OK with that.  Of course I get a tonne of guys who just want to sleep with me, because they assume that’s what I am looking for.  But I also get a few little gems who are trying to convince themselves that non monogamy is just what they need, and in turn try to convince me that they are OK with everything involved.  But after a first meeting or a few message back and forth, the truth is, they want something much different, and rarely is it an ethical non monogamous relationship.

Over the last 6 or so years, two guys spring to mind that fall in to this category.  They both said they were confident guys, who actually liked the fact that I have a long term boyfriend as that took the pressure off of them.  And that they were bachelors by choice, and they could handle the situation.  They bragged about how easy going they were, that they were not needy at all, and admired that trait in me.  Here’s the rub though, their actions displayed the exact opposite behavior.  The two guys very quickly fell for me.  They would ask me repeatedly if they could be my boyfriend and kept saying that they wished I was single.  Or they would sneak into the conversation a jab or two at my partners expense, you know, things like, they would never let me go out on my own like this, displaying traits of possessiveness or jealousy.  And that one time when the guy asked me outright just how stable my primary relationship was. 

Now I could infer that they just wanted to get into my pants, by any means necessary, and lied about being OK with me being open.  But it really seems more than that.  These guys actually seemed to fall for me, which was odd as I didn't sleep with either of them.  And for whatever their reasons they were not comfortable that I was not theirs even with full disclosure on my end.  I don't know how I could be any clearer, and I even shared with them my blog.   

These men were extremely attracted to my confidence and my independence.  And those are traits I found exciting in them.  So the let down, when in fact they were merely projecting made me not even want to entertain a friendship.  There is no harm in just stating that you find open relationships intriguing and you would like to try.  Even asking if I am OK with that, and that you may not like it at all because you truly have have no idea if that is for you or not are all normal.  Hell, I started writing this blog because I wasn't sure that I wanted an open relationship myself, or if I just wanted E.  But choose honesty, rather than boasting and then falling short.  If you don't yet have confidence or know what you want, please choose to be honest. 

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

My Open Relationship Means I Am No Longer One of the Guys... And It Sucks.

Once upon a time, I would talk openly about my sex life, wants and desires with my male friends.  I would have a few beers and shoot the shit with my boys.  I would talk sex, and sex appeal like it was nothing.  Guys would discuss sexual frustrations and conquests in my company and I would join, make fun or commiserate with them.  It was normal, natural and comfortable for me, but that time seems like nothing but a fairy tale now.  Why did this behaviour change?  Because of my open relationship status.

I am no longer comfortable with the guys, and the only thing to have changed is that I am in an open relationship.  I’ve struggled with the loss of my male friends as I have mentioned in previous posts, and the unfortunate thing is, I cannot get any of the friendships with these particular men back.  The dynamic has shifted to one where, being monogamous with a man, gave me the right to talk about sex without my male companions taking things too far.  I had earned the freedom to speak my mind, in part because I was unattainable.  In an open relationship, I have lost that protection. 

Now, I cannot get through guys heads, that I am still unattainable to my friends.  I do not want to sleep with every man I see, and no my close male friends do not have a chance with me.  But in the back of their minds, there is a chance that I will cave and thus they misinterpret shooting the shit, as they have a chance.  It freaking sucks sometimes.  I used to love the freedom of expression that I got hanging out with guys, my real guy friends.  And I am not just one of those woman who was deluded into thinking that she was one of the guys, as I was.  I have been the only chick who attended guys nights more times than I can count.  And, I was usually welcomed by everyone there except my ex, though he warmed up to the idea after a while. 

I have tried so many times over the past few years to make male friends.  To state explicitly that we are only friends and to just treat me like one of the guys.  But the second they find out I am in an open relationship, BAM, friendship is over, and the hunt begins.  It gets exhausting for me to keep shooting guys down.  I feel like a pompous ass writing that, but that’s the truth.  I get hit on, all the freaking time, by guys who I would like to be able to trust and open up to.  The way I used.  The way they still do to me.  

But now, I just don’t enjoy being part of guys night.  Now, I feel like I have to be on guard.  That I have to watch what I say, because the last few times I have been out with the boys, it has ended in disaster.  One instance a guy started putting E down, by telling me that I could do so much better, and would if I was free of him, and E was in the same freaking room.  A tactic that actually almost ended two friendships instead of just the one.  And more recently, I started getting racy facebook messages from a guy that I am clearly not interested in, and have not made even the slightest hint that I am.  But, he reads my blog, and feels that he has every right to start flirting with me.  Is he thinking that I write it for him?  Or just not thinking long term at all because he enjoys the pictures?  I have no clue, other than that I have tried to shut that down a few times, but to no avail.   

So the takeaway seems to be that because I am open, I have a target on my back.  I am free for the picking.  That I don't actually need friends, or good conversation, or even just a fun night of beer and shenanigans like I used to.  No, instead, you would rather try taking that less than 1% shot that you have a chance with me, and ensure that you don't have a cool, fun chick that you can just hang out with. 

And seriously guys, you fucked up on this one.  You're immature and thinking with your dicks!  And what's more, my stories are much more interesting now.