Thursday, 7 December 2017

Escorts at Swinger or Lifestyle Clubs

So apparently there is a term called “tickets” used for escorts that are invited/paid for by single men to get into lifestyle clubs.  And yes, if you’re a regular reader the timing of this post in relation to my last one is not lost on me.  Overall, I am an incredibly open-minded person, however I keep running into ideas and concepts that make me question just how accepting I really am.  I guess that’s why I blog, and keep questioning everything right?  So back to paying someone to get you into a club!

I have used the term pay for play quite frequently throughout my writing career and general advice to my clients whenever the need arises.  And I mean no disrespect to anyone, it just feels all encompassing and to me has little emotion or stigma attached.  I wish that sex workers were legally allowed to practice their trades for safety, and economic reasons.  Sex work is the oldest profession and it should be taxable and all its members protected under the law. 

Now, with that said, I will come right out and say, just like single men, I do not believe that escorts or anyone who gets paid for sex should be welcome in the swinger community.  There are a number of reasons.  First and foremost, swinging requires work, communication and a solid foundation.  As well, trust and disclosure.  These are things inherently missing in sex work.  Even if legalized, there is more to gain for a working guy or gal from non-disclosure than from disclosing.  Livelihood is on the line, and it is unrealistic to think a person will stop working while waiting for a test result, etc.  We have to be practical about this.  Even a sex worker who is incredibly safe, and gets tested regularly still has to endure a slow health care system, with even slower results.  So in such a tight knit community that unfortunately relies on many assumptions about safe sex, and disclosure, these economic and physical demands unnecessarily increase risk.

The next point is in regards to consent.  In what way does that even work?  A male is most likely paying for a woman’s services for the evening.  Is he also paying for her to sleep with anyone else?  Who gets the bill in the wake of a foursome or swap?  There are finances on the line.  And legal issues to boot.  Within most swing clubs there can be no cash exchange in return for services.  Whatever my views on a future of legalized prostitution we are just not there yet.  So paying for sex is illegal.  Imagine not knowing someone was paid for sex and having that come out in the wake of a bust or exposure?  Again, unnecessary drama and decrease in fun overall.

Now lets get into motivation.  Is the man simply a single, who has always wanted to see the inner workings of a swing club?  Does he think he just found the golden “ticket” to get him inside?  If so, please refer to my previous post about why single men at swing clubs suck.  As much as exhibitionism exists, I may or may not know that first hand, I do not want outsiders thinking they can pay for the privilege of watching someone get their rocks off.  That’s what porn is for.  You are confusing live, non-consenting adults with paid professionals and that is never cool.  I don’t attend clubs for the publics consumption.  I attend because I love being around like minded, non-monogamous, open and amazing people, who not to repeat myself, but have put in the work to be there.  They didn’t find this little loophole, a sneaky entrance, and the ultimate manipulation. 

So in summary, if you think bringing a sex worker to the club is clever it’s not.  Swingers can tell!  You will not be invited back, regardless of how well behaved you are, or how much research you feel you have done.  Strong, stable, secure couples are hot.  A single man with his paid escort is not.  You put us physically, financially and emotionally at risk.  So don’t be that ass hole!  Consent in a swing club encompasses much more than just sex.  There is enough for us to have to trust in, do add to the burden for your selfish motives.  Besides, if you do it, you still won’t be able to brag to your friends afterwards so really, what's the point?

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Red Pill and Swingers

I have always had a strange fascination with outlier groups and how they interact or even survive within society.  And further to that, I am keenly interested in the opposites attract model, for example, the blending of opera and metal is a genre that still takes me down amazing rabbit holes from time to time.  Polarization makes life interesting, for me at least from a historical and anthropological standpoint.  So, when I discovered a user name that merged Red Pill and Swingers, my interest was piqued.  I had researched red pill before, and have even mentioned them in this blog.  So, I asked the question, can the red pill mentality exist in the world of swinging as defined by reddit/urban dictionary. 

I won’t lie my gut reaction was disgust that a red pill thinker would ever dream of stepping foot into the world of swinging.  Swinging is designed by default to give women full veto and control, under the assumption that the partners are on equal footing and both love the lifestyle.  Whereby, in the red pill society, the men believe that cultural norms are working to remove males identity so they need to push back, often very hard.  And yet, despite these two clashing views, I constantly see dynamics indicative of red pill believers or at least men who don’t value women to even an equal footing, interacting within the swinging world.  It is ironic at best that they would want to play within the confines where there is even a possibility of female driven dynamic or full partnerships.  Or perhaps they just don’t realize fully that this is so.

For example, I have seen men say that they have “allowed” their partner to have full control at clubs.  And that they re-assure her constantly that all she has to do is say no, and the brakes will be applied.  And yet, with these rules in place, breakdowns in communication occur.  These men are confused by a woman slowing down, or using any word other than no, to take a break.  For these male, the cultural norm is to respond to the word no, and no alone.  Any other verbiage or body language finds him confused, irritated and unresponsive.  This emotional lack of maturity or awareness breeds an unsafe environment.  One that lends itself to drama or violence.  I want no part of that.  Instability does not work well within swinging or non-monogamy.

I don’t like taking a stance that one group cannot play nicely with another, and yet I personally would not trust my body in the hands of someone who feels that he is victimized in society by women.  That his rightful place has been taken from him, and he needs to fight back.  A man whose vocabulary includes definitions like these below, has no place in my bedroom:

Snowflake - A woman who tries to persuade a man that she’s somehow unique, different, or special by playing up her good girl resume and downplaying her bad girl resume. When used as a verb, snowflaking refers to the argument she puts forth to justify her claim.

Solipsism - In Red Pill, solipsism (e.g. female solipsism) refers to the female's tendency to frame everything she experiences or witnesses in terms of herself and her own needs - personalizing it **- even when such personalization would not make contextual sense.

The Wall - The point in a woman's life where her ego and self-assessed view of her sexual market value exceed her actual sexual market value; the beginning of the decline. Usually occurs as a wake-up shock to women when they realize that their power over men was temporary and that their looks are fading. This usually results with first denial and then a sudden change in priority towards looking for a husband. Even after hitting the wall, many women will squander a few more precious years testing her SMV with alphas to double-check, hoping her perceived decline was a fluke, this will make her even more bitter when she finally has to settle for a worse-beta than she could've gotten before because of squandering her youth.

And I will say flatly that woman who are overtly feminists are difficult for me to interact with on a sexual level as well.  However, I wouldn’t fear for my safety or well being from a woman, to the same degree that I would from a man.  There is a visual size difference, and an assumption of unequal strength that are genetic and nothing to do with gendered acceptance. 

Sexual freedom and expression is something I value highly.  However, as I peruse the gendered outlier dynamics that stray away from equality (Red Pill, PUA, MRA's), I have no choice but to conclude that they are a group that should not be interacting with swingers.  And this conclusion surprises me greatly as I tend to find balance and some sort of middle ground in practically everything that I learn about.  Here, I have found nothing redeeming or acceptable in subscribing to a group mindset that dismisses facts about current gender climate and creates an artificial way of thinking to further boost an ego at the direct repression of another.  Red Pill thinkers and Swingers do not mix, and cannot find any rational reason, though I tried, to even entertain a middle ground.  If they get in, I want out.

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Is Non-Monogamy Something You Have Always Wanted to Try?

I receive messages weekly from guys saying that swinging or non-monogamy is something that they have always wanted to try and do I have tips for them to find women who are into it.  Depending how they ask, I may refer them to my reading list, or my ode to the single guys at a swing club post.  But ultimately, I know no matter whether I offer advice or scold them the result will be the same, testing the waters of non-monogamy just to knock it off your bucket list, is a bad idea.  Non monogamy is not a treat, or something to just experience when you’re young.  It is not a way of sowing your wild oats, until you find that special someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with it.  It is not a right of passage, or a notch on your belt.  If you, like thousands out there feel this way, please, for my sanity, educate yourself and grow some emotional maturity.  Or just look on from the sidelines. 

Ethical non-monogamy in all is wondrous forms takes work.  It takes self awareness, the ability to multi task and a higher than average ability to socialize and communicate.  There is constant awareness of societal norms, feeling like an outsider and having to keep your mouth shut about that crazy foursome you had on Saturday.  This can be tricky and isolating and a whole bunch of other crazy emotions.  You know being turned on by your partner being sexed up, while being completely turned on because you are being sexed up and then remembering that there are a bunch of people watching the show.  It’s a crazy high, and not for the feint of heart.

It is not, and I cannot stress this enough, random, and or constant sex 24 hours a day.  Why? Because finding people who are sexually compatible, meet your level of hygiene, kinks, likes, passion and are non monogamous or single is exhausting and hard work.  And I will stress another point, we are all human beings with thoughts and feelings.  Even the most flippant of swingers who just want to jump in the sack with a willing couple, are still rational human beings who took the steps necessary to get to that point in their relationship.  So while the scene I described in the paragraph above may excite you and creep into your wildest dreams, it is not for newbies.  It is not for people who want to just dip a toe in to see what it feels like.  Because that thing I mentioned about human beings, yeah, we have thoughts and feelings.  We don’t want to feel used for your sexual conquests (unless its agreed upon ahead of time).  Nor do we want to witness your complete mental breakdown when you discover you have no idea what you’re doing, or have so much jealousy about your partner being touched that you want to play smashie smashie with someone’s face.

So while I love seeing new people in the lifestyle, what I love even more are the educated people who enter into the premises with foresight, understanding and an empathy for their fellow man.  To those who do what we did, and research the shit out of what we were getting into.  Starting off slow, and ensuring both partners are good each step along the way.  And not playing until you are ready, truly ready for the good, bad and hopefully never the ugly… cry.  There should be no tears in non-monogamy, unless they are fueled by unbridled ecstasy and euphoria.

And as for the tips to finding women who are non-monogamous?  All I can say, is that the finding is a huge part of the adventure, and a skill that once you develop, it’s very hard to go back.  And because it needs to be said, it takes a high emotional maturity and IQ to experience non monogamy well.  So take the time to figure out what you want, before you go out and just find someone whose willing to go along with it.