Sunday, 24 April 2016

Cheating: Creative Ways Humans Detect It

Yesterday, while listening to CBC, I heard an advertisement that left me speechless.  In Spain, where the rate of adultery averages 2.5 affairs per year per household, they have come up with a new revolutionary new product.  A mattress, that notifies your smartphone when it is being used suspiciously, and they call it the Smartress .  If you cannot trust your mattress to keep your dirty secrets, I mean, who can you trust?  Let’s not even deal with the issue of how you explain the purchase of said mattress, or the logistics of getting updates from your bed.  What if you have a dog that jumps up and down on it?  Or your kid playing hookie from school and the bed catches them… wait… that could be added value right there.  But back on point, you suspect that your partner is cheating, so you discreetly purchase a new bed to catch them in the act?

A few years ago, an app came out that would send you outgoing message notifications from your partners cell phone.   Basically a nanny cam for a cell phone also known as actual spyware.  To me it just seemed like click bait, so I honestly did not research how the actual device or software works. I just know for a while, every second ad online was screaming 'do you know who your spouse is texting right now?'   It seemed obsessive, and ironically supported in part by Ashely Madison.  So here we are, still in a culture where we do not trust our partner's so we sink to levels as low as them, to catch them doing something we feel is worse.   

We all know the black and white movies where a lady in a trench coat seeks out the office door that has 'private investigator' painted on it.  We know exactly what she is there seeking, confirmation of her worst fears, her husbands unfaithful behavior.  We all know what that next scene will depict, the private investigator stalking a spouse, hoping to catch them doing the nasty and them provide photographic proof that devastates a family.  We rationally know the P I is slimy, but the suspicious wife?  Never!  She is the angel, who seeks out aid, under cloak and dagger in desperation.  Only to be driven mad, when her worst fears are realized in that manila envelope of proof.  Ok, sometimes that damsel in distress dies a gruesome death, but hey, that's just to keep you on your toes.  The point is, we sensationalize the methodology for catching the partner cheating, in media and in our daily lives.



And now, your mattress can send you a text.  The further technology advances, the further we get from one on one human interaction.  Or being able to have adult conversations about serious issues, needs and wants.  It honestly would be so much easier to get that text message, go home, pack your bags and then just copy and paste the notification to your spouse.  No mess, no fuss, and full validation without ever having to say a word to one another. Peace of mind, from the item that gives you a good nights rest. It was just as sexy in the past to leave the envelope of dirty pictures on the husbands desk and leave in the middle of the night, never saying another word.

Let’s not deal with why, in the macho and poverty stricken Spain, the infidelity rate is spiking alarmingly.  Let us instead, spend nearly $2000 on a new mattress, a couple hundred bucks on a Private Dick, or download a free app.  Humans, constantly finding new and creative ways to catch a spouse in the act.  Ah good ole cheaters.

Saturday, 9 April 2016

A Fear of Non Monogamy: Overcome

When I began my blogging and personal journey about exploring non monogamy I wrote a post about some of my underlying fears .  I was in a place of passive relationship status rather than an active one.  I had a genuine fear of uncomfortable or without warning, meeting women that E had slept with.  It actually would keep me up some nights, going over in my head how I would react in countless situations.  Drama filled scenes plagued my dreams.  Stress, apprehension and the like or even an occasional cat fight would play out in both my sleeping and waking imagination.

And funnily enough, I have not had this thought cross my mind in what feels like years.  My relationship has shifted from passive to active control.  I have a direction and am steering my life the way I feel suits me best.  I am no longer just a watcher, experiencing things through E with curiosity and na├»ve or plain false concepts in my mind.  Instead, I am confident and have put certain notions behind me.  This nightmare is one of the most vivid examples I can think of. 

People talk about jealousy and how to overcome it.  That is a massive concept that takes years, and one that my side projects involve dealing with.  For the day to day, being able to come across experiences in my own writing and realize I have evolved past them is such an incredible high.  The fear was real, and it was sound.  However it was based in a place of insecurity and lack of trust in my partner and my relationship.  Our foundation was not strong enough at the time for us to tackle my fear together.  I guess that is one of the downsides to having a first time open experience with a partner who had explored it previously.  I took much longer to come around to critical thinking, and ultimately learn to embrace with strong self esteem, issues like this.



Fear is based on surviving.  And I feel that perhaps I was in survival mode when E and I first started dating.  I was in a place whereby every aspect of my life was changing and it felt great and overwhelming all at the same time.  I literally threw all the balls of my life in the air over a period of about 2 and a half years and then systematically picked up each one and put it where I wanted.  And I threw out all the ones that were not to my liking, just like this insecurity that kept nagging at me.  One day, it was just gone.  My fear, overcome.