Saturday, 10 December 2016

Pre Christmas “Single Shopping”

I heard a statistic the other day, that 2 weeks before Christmas is the time when most breakups occur.  This makes a whole lot of sense.  Consider that you have been a little unhappy for a while, and now have to make the decision to buy someone you are not sure you like anymore a present.  Or what’s worse? You have to spend the already stressful holiday times with your crazy family, and dread including that person that now has the most irritating laugh EVER!  (Or some equally annoying trait that you no longer want to be in the same room with). Well, better to just end things quietly before it gets too close to the holidays and when you still have time to do some pre-Christmas “single shopping”.

And what is pre Christmas Single Shopping you might ask?  Well, quite simply, it is the time for vetting out the person who will be good enough in a pinch.  It is the person who looks good in pictures, or just good on paper, whatever you may need at bare minimum.  The guy or gall who dresses up nicely and can make polite conversation at a company Christmas party.  It is the individual who has been friendzoned forever, so will be extra excited at the opportunity to be seen out in public with you.  Or maybe, it’s that friendly face on the dating site who messaged you and you didn’t instantly cringe, so now that you’re a little desperate and lonely, well… it is the season of giving right?

It is almost like the speed date.  You have two weeks or less before Christmas to make a decision to bring around you maybe partner, or spend the holidays alone.  Online dating messages around this time are nice, polite, and just all around easy to read.  Or maybe the writers have just all had their rum and egg nog so their barriers are lowered when they scroll through the multitude of pictures.  I cannot say for sure, but there is a tone difference in messages.

So if this is a decision you recently had to make, enjoy your newly single shopping.  Be nice to your friendzoned maybe partner.  Be courteous to the new person who is as lonely as you and will scratch your back at your family’s gathering if you scratch theirs.  Remember the campsite rule!  And who knows, maybe this defences down chance you’re taking could be the best thing you ever did, and there are many more happy Christmas’ together in your future.

Saturday, 26 November 2016

The Shift – Open Relationship Perception May be Changing

I have quite a few musings and sometimes angry rants about how people I interact with are judgmental in regards to my open relationship.  I am now experiencing a shift in thought.  Between media, education and a general societal awareness, open relationships are becoming a more common place term.  And now the questions can begin, still shrouded in judgement, but a start none the less. 

There is still that morbid curiosity from the monogamous, the questions of why, how, and what is missing in your relationship.  But a few questions of late seem to have more curiosity, than actual negativity.   I am not sure yet how to respond.  I have grown accustomed to having my back up, to deleting harassing messages, and to block people who behave in an aggressive manor towards my lifestyle.  Surprisingly, over the past few weeks I find myself having to take a step back, a deep breath and then actually write answers to thoughtful and curious queries.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would see a shift in awareness so quickly.

It is encouraging to see people learning new things, or at the very least aware of things outside their perceived bubbles.  I see more and more television shows depicting polyamory, and openness in a way that shows both good and bad sides.  Fair, tempered, and full bodied depictions of real world couples trying to find their own happiness.  That is all I want for myself, and for my loved ones.  Love and support in whatever way suits you, if ethics are being followed and respected of course. 

Selfishly, I do hope that this shift continues because I would love a few more couples in my dating pool.  Variety is the spice of my life, and why have 2, when you can have 4 or even 6?  The realist in me knows that I should just keep taking baby steps here.  There is still a tonne of murky water to wade through.  Still so much fear, and misconception, but if I can get a stranger to be kind and curious vs the norm I have come to expect, then I say progress is at hand.  Let the open awareness continue to grow.  People continue to grow, explore and expand their horizons just as I have done.  Education, rather than hatred towards what is not understood.

Saturday, 12 November 2016

Update Post, Family Changes: A New Year, New Challenges

I wrote a post nearly 4 years ago, whereby I questioned the forgive and forget mantra when it comes to family.  I wrote also, that I was done allowing my family to control me.  When I read back through this post I can see that I was a mess, both in sentence structure and grammar, but also in the waves of emotion I tried to conceal.  I was forcing objectivity while hurting so badly.  It is never easy to walk away from a family that does not support you as an adult.  A woman who is trying to find her way in the world, judged from the foundation out. 

But I am very proud to report a few things.  Number one, I closed the door on a family member who emotionally abused me.  Number two, I opened the door to a family member that had been closed out of my life for years.  We offered each other forgiveness and love and are working diligently to have a real father daughter adult relationships.  And I couldn’t be more thankful that he came back into my life during this dark timeline that I am in.   

I broke free of my families hypocrisy.  And rejected the notion that I had to accept them and their words and actions, while they talk about me behind my back and judge me.  Acceptance is a two way street.  My biological dad and my renewed relationship with him is based on this principle.  We do not judge each other, simply try to understand and support.  We are no longer re hashing past events, but rather forging new memories and experiences.  He found peace, and I have found my inner voice.  I can not lament the closed minded people who share my blood.  I can only be grateful to have relationships with those who are open and genuinely love life, themselves and me. 

Finding unconditional love within a few of my family members has helped my confidence in the dating world as well.  I am more open to new partners and less jealous of the past.  It took a few years to really see the truth in who I am and who my partner is. Now that I can, well, I treat myself with the respect and pride I deserve. 

In a Utopian world, this post would be about everyone in my life forgiving and forgetting.  However, this is the real world and this post is celebratory.  I have forgiven myself and by forgetting the past on an individual that never thought I could or would, I have found peace.  Here`s to new and amazing beginnings.  Why wait until 2016 is officially over to move forward?

Friday, 28 October 2016

Halloween: All Year Round

As Halloween approaches, so does the sexism narrative.  Our sexy little sirens come out to play, and the costumes get tighter and skimpier year by year.  As you may well know based on previous posts I approve wholeheartedly with this trend.  Why?  Freedom of expression.  If a lady wants to feel sexy, then she gets to.  If a woman wants to show off her goods, then fantastic.  If anyone needs a holiday in order to dress up, to show a side that they keep hidden most of the year, then this is the perfect time to do so.

I have taken things a few steps further; "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach”, Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol.  Swap out Christmas for Halloween and boom, there you have my mindset.  I have taken off the masks that Halloween has afforded me, and thrive to live the same way all year round.  If I want to dress up, I do so.  If I want to play the siren for a night, I do.  If I want to show off my body, I do it.  This holiday, truly has become my favorite, as it allowed me to explore a different side of my sexuality safely, and I proudly have expanded this to all the days of the year. 

I have taken the lessons that Halloween and dressing up have afforded me, and I have incorporated them into my daily life.  I am freer, because of this holiday.  I am less afraid of nudity or even of my own body because I was able to dress up.  To try on different masks and personalities, and with a little liquid courage now and again, I live the person that I want to be, right now.  I am present. 

Now boys, if you want to start joining in the trend of tighter fitting clothes or showing off some muscles during the Halloween season too, then yay.  I am all for equality of the sexes.  Lets make this a season of sexiness, confidence, and taking a moment to step outside of your shell.  Confidence in numbers, and all that jazz.  Lets make a movement to live with sexual confidence and positive vibes with or without a costume.  No slut shaming, or judgement.  Just freedom of expression, thought and voice.  And of course tricks and treats whenever the need or want should arise.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

Vanilla Reality Check

Ok self, we need to clear up a few things.  Every so often I catch you thinking about yourself as this passionate yet vanilla type person who aims to please those around you.  It is time to stop it, wake up and embrace who you have become on a more regular basis.  Don’t get me wrong, I know how far you have come.  I know who you were, what you have been through and milestones you have already crossed over like a champ.  But you are not owning who you are on a day to day basis.

I know that you thought to yourself, if I get more power and confidence in my work place that will bring my life together in a beautiful symphony, rich with harmony that you desire.  And well, time is up.  You have attained what you needed at work.  You have your validation.  Your last hurdle you set for yourself in the way of self improvement has been made.  Now it is time to leave the excuses outside.  To embrace life, to enjoy who you are, with your amazing partner.

The time to revert back to that vanilla mentality is over.  You are far from that monogamous wallflower that you were in your youth.  You have thoroughly enjoyed threesomes, experimented with a few foursomes and even explored swinger club or two.  These are not just notches on your belt.  This is who you are.  The explorer.  The pusher of boundaries, that only child who hates the word no, and wants to explore that world full of yes with the confidence that has been earned through hard work and self exploration.

Vanilla is not bad.  It just isn’t who you are.  Maybe it never was, and you were living in fear.  But you are not anymore.  2016 has come with countless challenges and there are more on their way.  You have come this far, and you are not giving up.  You are living.  You are present.  And you are breaking those societal norms one item at a time.  Because that is who you are.  It is who you enjoy being.  And baby, you deserve it.

Friday, 26 August 2016

My Blog is Back! And Here's to 5 More Years!

Well, as our wet summer nearly wraps itself up, I can finally get back into the blogging swing of things.  My absence in blogging over the summer was not planned, in fact it was a complete accident.  My poor laptop took a nap in a few centimeters of water and never regained consciousness.  My amazing partner was able to save all my data, and pictures but unfortunately I needed a new place to retrieve them from.  So with the wait time settling into a new laptop and the general busyness of the summer weeks I decided to just take the whole damn thing off. 

I am incredibly grateful that my summer months were so action packed because I just don’t get the same satisfaction anymore in putting pen to paper as I do typing out my thoughts.  I enjoy handwriting poetry in a beautiful notebook.  It brings me such tranquility, but a part of me only feels safe having them around my house because very few people could actually read my cursive.  And I am so slow handwriting these days.  The reality is I have found such comfort in the efficiency of typing, being able to actually have my fingers keep up with my random thoughts, that I find writing things down to be cumbersome and frustrating.  There is an art form to keeping journals, but my writing has evolved into a need more than a want.  I need the escape of my words.  I need the freedom to type out my thoughts and unburden my mind from the rampant thoughts that periodically keep me up at night.

And thus, I am back writing, blogging and enjoying the technology that makes it all possible.  So stay tuned while I get back to questioning my relationship norms and sharing the stories that have kept many of you coming back so many times over the last 5 years!  And as I missed celebrating with you all the milestone of 5 years of blogging, here is the link to my very firstpost!  Thank you all for sticking with me on my journey through open relationships and breaking free of societal norms.

Friday, 8 July 2016

Slutty Girls of Stampede AKA The Stampede Slut

Last stampede, the big headline was the alley way threesome, which involved a leaked video of 2 men, tag teaming a woman.  She became the Stampede Slut and took my top 3 Google search place of the same name.  I followed this story with much curiosity from Italy, as I was on vacation and missing my very first Stampede in 30 some years.  Now here is the thing, this woman earned her title, and deserved displacing my ranking.  I write about being a slut with pride, and this woman took it to a whole new level.  A quick search will tell you all you need to know about these events, and you can probably still find the now infamous video.  The take away from this, is that the woman owned what she did.  Getting fired and having her booty all over the internet was probably not planned, but instead of hiding, suing everyone in sight, and or curling up into a little ball in her basement, this woman took a much tougher path.  She owned it.  She admitted it was her, and even started capitalizing on the incident by making appearances at various strip clubs over the following months.

So here’s what I take away from this.  This woman owned the title slut.  And she made slut a word of power.  That is an incredibly hard feat to do.  I commend her for managing this, despite all the criticism, cruelty and backlash that she received.  With head held high, she embodied the word slut.  She did what very few women would dream of doing.  Whether you agree or not with her public show (which I would argue was sort of secluded in an alley), she pushed a boundary.  Again, she took control, she kept her power, and she was not a victim.

Please don’t be thinking that my sex tape is going to be next, based on this post.  I will not be writing erotica to go along side my pictures, as it is just not my style.  The reality is, her event during last Stampede, could have harmed my work and my freedom.  If this woman had cried victim and started slut shaming, my follow up post would have been one screaming at her for setting women back yet again.  Thankfully, I get to reap some rewards.  She became the outlier.  She blasted through a societal norm and it allowed me just a little more play in my writing exploration.  She reset the shock value calculator, so I gain more freedom of speech. 

So thank you, stampede slut, for helping push the societal norm just a little farther.  I hope now for a little less uptight crowd, and maybe just a little less tisking from elderly women when I strut around in my pretty pink chaps!  Well everywhere but on the grounds, because apparently they are cracking down on dress code that is not family friendly… for shame!  I embrace being searched as a positive female character, who is trying to embrace the word slut with dignity.  It is not a title I think fits my lifestyle, but it is one that I feel women need to use without shame if they so choose.  May the walk of shame be forever in your past, and your walk of sexual freedom be in your future.  Happy Stampede ladies!

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Addressing the Sexless Marriage is Inevitable Myth

I was going through my blog comment section this morning and realized that I had missed responding to someone from 2012.  It was on a post entitled Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter.  So aside from feeling terrible for ignoring someone who took the time to comment, I also felt bad because of the myth that he was taking solace in.  The myth is that for marriage to last for ever, you should be with your best friend, because in the end, when the sex life has fizzled out, you will still have your soul mate. Basically, put more stock in a companion than a sexual equal.  I hate this myth.

Why put limits on your relationship?  Why perpetuate the idea that one must settle in order to live happily ever after (which I also do not agree with).  Life is whatever you make of it.  Relationships can be whatever you want them to be.  A lifetime together means just that, a lifetime making each other happy.  And for a lot of people, myself included, sex enriches my life and relationship.  Penn and Teller, did a Bullshit episode on Old People, which looked at all the myths that happen when people get old.  Sex drive dying was definitely a myth according to many who were interviewed.  In fact, how many times have you heard of near polyamory in old folks homes?  Human nature is to experience everything you possibly can when you know the end is near.  And sex is high on that list.

In my own family, I was horrified to find out that some elderly seniors thought it was funny to pick up the phone to invite the other into the shower with them... while I was on the line!  I won't put in writing who it was, but I can tell you that sex is very much still a part of that 50 plus year marriage.  And it is only uncomfortable because they are family.  Reading that from anyone else, I would probably say that is so sweet, but please don't tell me anymore.

Find someone who is your equal, who always has your back and you theirs.  Find a partner.  But don't limit yourself to myths.  Don't think that sex has to dry up.  Don't place more value on companionship if that is not what's important to you.  Make your own long term goals with your partners and live everyday in love and happiness.  Do not allow limits to control you!  Or myths that keep a person down on some potentially miserable level. Sexless marriage is not inevitable unless you want it to be.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

Some Funnier Online Dating Moments

If you have been following me for a while, you will see that I have tried to give helpful online dating advice.  Although I know my sincerity sometimes gets misconstrued for humour, there are times when I can do nothing but laugh at the absurdity of some of the messages or interactions I have had. 

The Masseuse

A few weeks ago, I came across an attractive male’s online dating profile.  When I clicked on his picture to read his biography, as I do before messaging anyone, I was a little caught off guard.  Basically, he wrote that he was happily married and a friend of his told him about this dating site and how it could help his business.  The business was feet massages.  I was a little confused at this point as to why someone was selling something on a dating site for meeting people, but hey, fine.  Then the kicker.  He wrote that a friend of his had him massage her feet, and it was so wonderful that he needed to expand his business.  And that, perhaps once women found out how amazing his massage was, they would realize that they were seeking a foot rub, rather than a man.  Ahem, I am not sure a foot rub, no matter how amazing could replace a partner, but hey, maybe you do get what you pay for.

Here is another one for you, called Winning the Lottery

Although I joke about winning the lottery with E, I have never seriously considered even buying a ticket, let alone winning.  But a few months back I got a message that got me thinking.  I was approached online by a man who had actually won the lottery.  He was fairly old (mid 50’s), bought a baseball team and was dating a 23 year old.  To top it all off, they swing and were looking for a couple to date.  They travel around Alberta as they have the money to do so, to have hot nights with couples.  So many questions started running through my head.

Did this guy always believe in non monogamy or did winning 1 million dollars give him the confidence to do so.  Did the young lady know him prior to his winnings?  Does money actually make a man more attractive?   All these questions and more went spiralling through my head.  To bum out my readers, I never actually met the man in person.  I made my decision on this guy based on his profile and his picture.  I did not get swayed by the possibility this guy was telling the truth and would spoil E and I.  But it seems even millionaires use free online dating apps to meet people.  Who knew?

The Seduction, Well Sort of

Twice now, I have been messaged by cute blond girls.  Maybe it is the same girl, using a different alias each time, but either way, here is how this one goes.  “Hey Sweetie, you’re super cute”.  Me flattered of course engages in conversation.  Then after a few messages, the purpose is revealed.  “So, I have this fantasy, but each time I write in on this site I get blocked, can I have your number?”.  Me, being the paranoid lady that I am, refuse this request and ask for more information on what this fantasy is that could possibly get her blocked.   “I have this hot fantasy, where a stranger seduces my boyfriend, then I find out, and have really hot sex with him”.  Uh, what?  The game plan is, a woman finds another woman online, then organizes the two of us meeting at a bar, and then I have to do all this work to seduce the guy.  And the rub is, in both scenarios, the guy has no idea it is happening.  Basically I am making him cheat on his girlfriend, but in the end, surprise, he wasn’t really cheating because she orchestrated the whole thing!  So yay!   And well, no.

And as for the drawing, that was from a sweet moment, when I stranger online asked if he could draw me from one of my posted pictures. My own personal, Titanic moment, and of course I said, absolutely.  

So there are a few of my funnier, or crazier online dating moments.  As always, I would love to hear a few of your out there.  And I am sure, that there will be a part II of this post in the future!  Stay tuned…

Saturday, 28 May 2016

An "Open" Girls Dating Site Review

Dating sites are a critical tool in open relationships.  The advice of just go out and meet people is not quite kosher when you are non monogamous.  So whether you are looking to add some spice or make new connections vetting through an online forum is the best way to go.  But of course, there is not just one dating site that perfectly suits my every changing wants and needs, so it is useful to have a few sites to bounce between.  Here is a brief review of 3 that I am currently using: POF, Ok Cupid and Bumble.  Side note, Tinder is a mixture of all 3 of these sites, so I am excluding it for the time being.  There is just nothing particularly special about it, it is merely a swiping exercise or boredom tool.  

Plenty of Fish has the largest user base, with the most restrictions for interactions.  As the pool so to speak is so vast, the likely hood of finding what you want, couples or just something fun on the side is higher.  However, there are some major drawbacks.  You cannot be honest about what you are looking for in your profile, ie married or poly.  They have very strict rules, and set themselves up as a singles site.  If you break these rules, you can be reported, blocked, or have your profile deleted.  This is not just a scare tactic, I have had my profile deleted because I said I was looking for couples in my profile.  There are subtle ways around this, for example, you can now put living together as one of your relationship taglines.  But of course, who really reads these things right?  It is an enticing site for people like me, just due to the sheer volume of users, but you also have to wade through a lot of crap to find what you are looking for.  And the restrictions POF places on who can use the site increases the deception that goes on.  So I always use the site with guards up, ready, and prepared for the abuses that come with interacting with such a variety of people who are not always prepared to handle my situation.

Next up we have Ok Cupid.   This is by far my favourite site for dating as a couple.  We can put links to each other’s profiles right in our opening paragraph.  There are filters for non monogamy, and a bunch of fantastic ways to narrow down the quest to find that perfect someone.  It is set up for such a wide variety of users that I hope someday OKC will get the volume that POF has.  I have had some great conversations with poly, and open people alike.  How could you not send a lovely message?  Being able to share links is also a benefit.  Of course, there are report buttons and block options just like with POF, but I find it is users who block and not the site owners scanning your messages for rule infractions.  I feel more like a responsible adult on OK Cupid.  But of course, because the open community is so small, you cannot just stick with one site.  So onto the newest app I have tried, and that is Bumble.

Bumble is the female’s answer to Tinder.  Women match and talk first.  No more having to block users at a rapid pace when you first sign up as is necessary with all other dating apps and sites I have used over the years.  Here, we the females, have 24 hours to message that cutie that caught our eye and set the tone for our current wants.  It is a fantastic premise.  Being new though, there are a lot of fake profiles, and more than that, a huge shortage of people.  This app is going to take some time to really gain traction, and I hope it does.  The fear of reading the message of the biggest creep is gone.  The men cannot initiate contact, and that in itself removes the almost predatory feeling I think most women have felt while online dating.  It can be scary at times, and that can then crush a good girls ego.  Of course, being that the woman have the power, it leaves out a huge population gap that does not fit into the binary male/female interaction.  I cannot see a solution that would make everyone happy.  I do know that there is a setting so that you can see both male and female profiles, but that I have not yet tried, so am unable to comment on it's effectiveness.  

So there you have it, the short and sweet low down on just 3 of the dating sites that are available and I use with relative frequency.  I'm always open to new suggestions as well, so feel free to message me or add some to the comment section.  Cheers!

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Profile Pictures: Thank You for Those Damn Fish!

Yes, you are correct boys, women love a good dead fish picture.  And what's more, we are judging you by the size of it.  The bigger the fish, the better.  We don't just want to know that you can provide a meal for us, caught all by yourself, but we want to know that there will be enough for leftovers!  Oh, you are looking for a woman who cooks and cleans?  Is that directly related to the fish you just caught?  Why sir, you're in luck.  We will happily gut that fish and throw it in the frying pan with the secret recipe of spices that all us online dating woman share.

I guess fair is fair though.  Because we female species know that when we put quadding or camping in our profiles, your manhood starts getting chubby.  I mean how else do we prove that we are "down to earth".  Not a girly girl that you have to constantly spoil and pamper, but that rough and tumble chick that you can bring around to your buddies and get the hi fives from.

And for all online dating profiles equally, please stop putting nothing but group photos up.  I do not know what you look like, and I don’t want to try and pick you out of a crowd.  Plus, you are either the hot one in the group showing off, or the ugly one trying to bank on the cheerleader effect.  Oh, but look how much fun we are all having posing for this epic picture?  No, seriously, I do not know which one you are and chances are when I figure it out, I am going to be disappointed!

If you want to know anything about me, I'm an open book.  Please ask me anything, because I don't want to spend the time writing anything in my profile.  I just hate these online things, and I am looking for the easiest means of meeting the one.  We can always lie about how we met!  Just judge me on the size of my fish, and not on my vocabulary!

Monday, 9 May 2016

Sex Is Just Sex… Revisited

I wrote a post during my first year blogging, called Sex is Just Sex?  In it, I did a very poor job of trying to describe the first couple I had met, that had an open understanding in their long distance relationship.  My writing was limited by my desire not to offend, and to not give the couple away, and in turn made that whole post a convoluted mess.  Also, and the reason I am sharing this post again, is to outline why I started blogging.  I can see clear growth in my understanding of open relationships and how I can now write about them, with the freeness that I actually feel in my day to day life.

When I met the male in that referenced couple it was before he was married, and I got along with him great.  I respected him, and trusted his judgement.  For this reason, and this reason alone, I kept my mouth shut when I found out that he had slept with another woman, while his soon to be wife was studying abroad.  As I mentioned in that terribly written post, the couple had an open understanding whenever they were in different countries.  I did not understand this concept at the time.  And clearly I did not have the clearest understanding of the value of this sort of relationship norm when I wrote about it. 

I now see a much more human element in this foundation.  This friend, trusted that I would not judge when he told me his story.  I failed him, and judged him hardcore on the inside.  How, could sex not mean something?  How could sex with others be part of a healthy and loving relationship?  At the time, I was monogamous, and had only ever slept with one man.  That was my relationship identity.  I could not help but hold them to the same standard that I held myself to.

I have felt judged and criticized for being in an open relationship many times over the years.  Now however,  I can look back on how I reacted to this couple which was less than mature, and how now I feel I have had a fairly good friendship with this man over the years.  I first ignored the personality flaws that I didn’t like (openness) and then I just forgot all about that.  It was none of my business.  Now, I embrace that about him.  I can see a braveness in him for sharing this possibility for non monogamy nearly 15 years ago.  There was nothing in the media, or internet about those types of couples at the time.  Nothing mainstream anyways.  

He and his wife are still together, with a beautiful family.  I have not yet asked if they are still open, because it just really doesn’t matter to me.  They are wonderful people, with great careers and a lovely family.  Their relationship values work, even if they have changed over the years.  For some couples, sex is just sex when it is with other people.  It can fill a necessary function of life when in a long distance relationship, or just because both parties want the extra physical contact in their lives.