Monday, 20 July 2015

Summary of Dating Our First Couple

I suppose after venting a bit in my last post, I should now be able to write, “Yay! We dated a couple”! In hindsight, it is pretty amazing that after just one bad date, and then a nervous first meeting with a married couple we were able to make a connection.  4 people actually all getting along well enough to socialize together as a group and as different pairings is quite a feat.  And to be able to maintain some semblance of fun for a few weeks here and there, it may be time to start focusing on the pride in that.  We did however hit some incredibly annoying rough patches that are hard to overlook.  But all in all, after a few months of dating, I don’t think any of us hate each other.  In fact there are even some real friendships that are being maintained.  That is impressive.  And it gives me real hope for the future.

There were many moments when I would throw my hands up and say that the stress was just not worth it.  And then, there were points where I could envision things developing, that would just not be possible without multiple stable couples.  The possibilities that I glimpsed through a date here, or a text there, fueled me to hold on a lot longer than I think I needed to.  That hope and glimmer viewed is what keeps me looking and searching for some other kick ass couple. 

The one on one date’s always went well.  The dating parties would come home energized and excited that connections were being made.  There was serious effort put into making this more than just sex.  This was not ever about just swinging.  E and I both want more than that.  My life does not revolve around random sexy times with other men.  I want to be able to call up a couple and all go out dancing or to a show, with the knowledge that something super fun could end the night.  Or just to be able to go out for a girls night, with someone that I had been intimate with, I don't know how to explain why but there is just something alluring and exciting about that prospect.  No restrictions, just being able to comfortably express my sexual and emotional wants with a few more people.  To be clear, E fulfills all my needs, this is simply about wants for me, and why I don't want to settle if things aren't working. 

Unfortunately there was so much room for miscommunication that I could see this dynamic falling apart right from the beginning.  E and I have worked on our communication and we are both comfortable asking for more or less information depending on the scenario.  We can openly discuss our feelings, and wants although it is not a nightly ritual or anything.  But when push comes to shove, we truly connect and are heard by the each other.  That being said it was difficult for me at times to deal with a couple that does not have the same level of communication.  You could ask the wife about a conversation she had with her husband the night before, and then the same thing of the husbands version and it seemed almost night and day.  Maybe they communicated more on body language and the amount of time the two had been together.  However coming into that, made me uncomfortable on more than one occasion.  Drama is not something I want to deal with.  And as E is quickly able to just ignore anything that bothers him, knowing it is not his problem, I for one found that very difficult to do.  I read into situations, and then would get concerned with how it will affect the bigger picture.  It is something I will accept help from E, to help me learn to brush off these emotions in future. 

With that being said though, watching how another couple interacts and communicates did have a certain level of fascination for me.  It was an intimacy that I don`t think many monogamous couples ever get to see in other couples.  We got to witness these interactions first hand, and show off how we interact.  It`s incredible to see two seemingly opposites work together to raise a beautiful family.  Almost awe inspiring, well, more so now that I have had a little time to digest. 

In short my perspective has gained some direction in what I want out of the next couple we date.  I have gone from a position of just taking things day by day and allowing the situation to unfold as it may, to a much more defined prerogative.  I now know exactly what I want out of dating a couple.  I cannot say I knew that at the beginning.  I was na├»ve thinking that having an organic experience free from any tainting would be successful from start to finish.  People in a group dynamic need some clear and defined goals.  It is not enough to just all get along.  Expectations need to be set from the first few encounters.  And for my part, expectations need to be known, with of course the knowledge that dynamics will change based on how everyone gets along.  My laissez-faire mentality did not assist in making this process easy.  We lacked the ability to all communicate as a group, and have an understanding for how each person gets their opinions and wants across and then be able to laugh! And ultimately enjoy all being together. Dating couples is just not an easy feat!

Monday, 13 July 2015

Unhappiness in the Wake of Closure with our First Couple

For being such a personal blog I do keep anger at the minimum because often I sort out my anger and move on.  Rarely does it linger anymore.  I worked very hard on that, and with a very supportive man by my side I can see a real difference even within the last few years.  However, I find part me still feels some anger and resentment even with a few months of space.  I am not happy the way things worked out.  I am not pleased that I watched my partner put in so much effort while I felt like a cheerleader, rather than part of the main event.  I felt as if I was merely a bonus to one party at the expense of another’s efforts.  And these are not words that I like to have in writing.  I don’t want my anger to stick with me, to be thrown in my face at a later time, or worse published.  So I remain soft spoken and balanced with reflection in my tone. This post though, will go against that grain.

There is no resolution.  I made a decision as a result of being unhappy and feeling like I was a prize to be won in a game of chance rather than someone who was 3 dimensional and worthy of getting to know as a whole person.  There was no earning of trust, or developing bonds, likes and dislikes.  It was in fact purely sustaining the status quo, so that sex would result in a one on one intimate level.  I felt cheapened by the experience.  I hear often enough within the online community how much of a slut I am for seeking intimacy with more than one partner.  I have grown a thick shell as a result of these strangers passing judgement and hatred.  However to feel like an object or a prize by someone that I was trying to develop more with, really stung.  I truly felt that he was just going with the flow to please his partner and was putting in the requested level of effort only.  And I am angry.

To clarify, we were dating a couple for a few months.  I ended things with the man because I was unhappy.  I do not feel like swinging is a lifestyle that I connect with.  I want more than that.  I want a friend and someone that I can occasionally sleep with.  Have threesomes and foursomes with, but with friendship in place too.  I want to hang out with both parties in the couple and explore some sexual wants that I have while supported and adventuring with my partner.  In our first couple adventure this just did not happen.

One of the first mistakes I made in this was to allow the couple to know I had a blog.  I feel this may have hindered the getting to know each other phase.  It was remarked to me, that the man of the couple felt he already knew me as a result of my writing.  And unsurprisingly he had actually no idea who I was as a result.  This blog isn’t about developing me as a person.  It is sharing events and feelings that I feel are interesting.  It is showing a perspective in dating that I feel is unique.  It is not a diary.  These are not my memoirs.

To counteract this mistake, perhaps if I had written full posts, instead of ideas here and there while dating this couple, things might have ended differently.  I might have come to terms with my own desires earlier.  I might have found a way to get something specific out of the sinking ship rather than just walking away.  Instead I decided early on to just go day by day and try and make the most of things without putting too much effort.  I allowed myself to experience rather than lead.  I made a few requests at the beginning, they were all satisfied and then I stopped asking for things.  

I then stopped picking a direction.  This was my second mistake.  I did not take advantage of any situations right in front of me.  Instead I watched, waited, and just assumed that all parties were as invested as my partner and I.  It turns out I was wrong.  The story will come out, with more details and fun little intrigues along the way.  For now though, the first foray that I had dating a couple with my amazing partner is in its conclusion.  We experienced so much in just a few short months.   The posts will not be about amazing sexual escapades, and orgies, rather the experiences and troubleshooting that comes about when two people are brought into your inner circle.  But for now, I am feeling a little empty, solidified by the fact that when I ended things with the man, we are left with absolutely nothing to talk or text about.  We barely got to know each other.  And it is a mistake I will not let get so far in the future.



Sunday, 5 July 2015

One Less Stampede Cowgirl This Year

I have been to stampede nearly every year of my life.  I cannot guarantee I was there as infant as I couldn’t be asked to remember such things, but as far as my working memory goes, my record is perfect.  I have attended as a little tike, enjoying the parade and all the aspects children can see right on up to adulthood.  Whereby I took my experience to a more adult level, including bars, pub crawls, and every aspect of debauchery that are expected as a seasoned Calgarian.   I have written posts about our Stampede centennial and in celebration of the slut.  However this year, I am writing from afar. 

I am missing my first Stampede to go on an international trip with my sweetheart.  And I wasn’t bothered by this until today.  I am really going to miss having a beer by 8 am with friends.  To the numerous stampede breakfasts, the midway, and general celebrations this city engages in.  Mostly though, I am going to miss the dress code!  I love dressing up in my best stampede wear.  I love the short shorts, the denim, the chaps, and the men in cowboy hats.  I love the tight jeans, the belt buckles and the general abundance of plaid.  Only for these 10 days can people from far and wide do plaid sexy.  And I love it!

For years I have said just how lucky Calgary is to be able to dress slutty twice a year.  Halloween and again during Stampede.  Sex is in the air and it is invigorating.  As someone who promotes sexually positive attitudes I am missing my Mecca.  The holy land of tight, and a little bit trashy, filled with a boozy hue in the air it is for me, true freedom.  I can make choices to drink, party, and flirt my little butt off.  Or to just dress the part and put myself on a little personal parade.  The choice is there, and unless there are some ladies who are giving a disgruntled tsk tsk, the environment is generally accepting. 

I face a lot controversy on a regular basis with my online dating profiles, and a bit in my personal life as a result of writing this blog.  Some days it can really be a struggle to keep my head held high.  But during these 10 days, I feel confident.  There is comraderey in the fact that so many are enaging in their own deviant behavior during these 10 days.  I get to hear stories from so many  about their previous Stampede adventures in all their scandalous glory.  Why?  Because we give each other a pass for these 10 days.  It is not just me, sharing my crazy life, but getting to hear from friends who allowed themselves to be crazy.  To get in touch with their inner slutty selves.  And more importantly to be a little proud of making their own memories. 



Stampede, I am missing you.