Sunday, 8 November 2015

Swinging, Polyamory, and Open Relationships: Approaching Fellow Individuals in Non Monogamy

When online dating, I have to filter through all sorts of people.  Although there are many who are just  blatantly disrespectful and rude, I find that the people in the “lifestyle” can be the most judgmental.  I cringe when I see an opening message, that starts with, “hey, I’m in the lifestyle too.  How long have you been swinging for?”  Why does something like this make me unhappy?  Because, I then foolishly feel compelled to engage into an annoying and usually pointless discussion whereby I explain that open relationships, swinging and polyamory are not all the same thing.  I mean, if they were, we wouldn’t need different names for them right?  And yet this is a seriously difficult concept for many people in the lifestyle to grasp. 

It seems that they are so excited to find someone in a non monogamous lifestyle, and then ironically revert to this monogamous notion that all people in this spectrum are looking for the same thing.  A profile stating multiple anything, like partners or sex or love and those blinders go on.  They forget that even within this spectrum we are all individuals.  We all have our own relationship norms.  And the label I choose to use, currently open, is my choice.  It is not for a stranger to tell me what my partner and I are, or are not.  And what’s more, we are growing and changing ourselves.  So perhaps the titles and labels we started out using may outgrow us.  Again though, this is our choice, and I will update my profiles accordingly when I am ready or feel the need.  Not at the whim or at the unsolicited advice of a stranger.

Maybe you are wondering, just how bad or annoying could these conversations really be, right?  Am I just making mountains out of mole hills and the like?  Well, let me put it this way, I almost rarely block or delete users who are monogamous.  But I have about a 50 percent rate of blocking the so called non monogamous.  The messages start accusatory, then quickly escalate into un-solicited sexual advances, towards name calling and slander because I am not interested in them.  There is often very little flirting, just a full on attitude of “well you’re a slut and I’m a slut, so lets go fuck”.  Conversations are at a minimum, and it feels like the non monogamous on dating sites are in a breeding Zoo.  Just because you are of a similar stripe then you must procreate on demand.  It’s a harsh reality of the current scene and as a result I have taken a huge step back in looking for new partners. 

It would be easier of course for me to just block these users, however I cannot help trying to re-educate them.  I want to explain that we are not all created equal.  And that within this spectrum of non-monogamy there exists an abundance of different scenarios and relationship types.  That non-monogamy  does not always equal slut.  In fact, I often feel that I am more selective now because I take into account not just my wants, but those of my partner.  I no longer wish to explain myself to people who fall within the non monogamous umbrella and pass judgement, but I know that I will probably continue on doing so.  And I feel somewhat responsible for protecting other females from the same crap I deal with.  

There is one other thing stands out for me as confusing when faced with critical non-monogamists online and that is in the reverting back to the black and white mentality.  My reasoning behind this is that polyamory is not a definition that exists naturally in our society.  It is one, along with compersion, that exists within a world found through research, nearly exclusively.  Quite often, an individual or couple begins trying to find ways to help them deal with urges that seem unnatural from a monogamous founded society.  We seek blogs, podcasts, and every book we can to help us understand that these dispositions are not merely urges to cheat.  We then educate ourselves to discover that the possibility does exists to have a loving relationship outside of monogamy.  So it doesn’t sit well with me, that persons who seek education into non-monogamy would therefore bring with them the bigotry of their former selves.  Or to go right back into a cookie cutter mold of one size must fit all, after spending the energy to gain insight into all these other lifestyles.  Or did I just stumble right upon the very issue of internet research.  Are these individuals researching until they find something that hits home and stopping right there?  Do they find a meme, or blog that strikes one chord and then closing their minds to any further digging due to sheer laziness?  

In summary, my PSA is this, if you’re out there, exploring new partners and ways of existing in non monogamy, please stop trying to apply your labels onto strangers.  Break free of the black and white, because this world has a spectrum of colour as vast as in the world of monogamy.  Leave judgement where it belongs, in the past.

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Ashley Madison: A Few Gray Areas

It should be noted that I do not condone lying or cheating.  I promote healthy dialogue, and share with my readers my own open relationship through some of its ups and downs.  And with that in mind here are a few things that I feel many have missed while sharpening those pitchforks and throwing harsh words at the long list of individuals being outed through the Ashley Madison Hack. I will attempt to share a few case studies that I earnestly hope come with critical thinking and reflection as the reality is people are committing suicide over this outing of privacy.

Case Study #1 - A husband and wife found each other through a shared kink, sex with strangers.  As both are high earning members of society they do their best to keep this kink between themselves and the discreet partners that they have.  They each have a paid account whereby they are able to fulfill their fantasies with full disclosure to the partners they find and more importantly to maintain the spice that fuels their own relationship.  As a result of this hack, their privacy has now been invaded and they both risk losing their careers.  They made a choice to marry, provide support for each others kink, and do so in the privacy of their own lives.  Their choice to have accounts did not affect their careers, enhanced their own relationship and now they face the scrutiny of their peers and strangers. 

Case Study #2 - A man is in a sexless marriage with a woman who is raising their beautiful daughter.  He grew up in a broken home, and made a vow not to ever divorce on account of the childhood he had.  The man has wants and needs.  Through this website he has been able to fill a physical need with woman who are in similar situations.  He has been a member of the site for over 7 years and not once has it had any negative effect on the family.  There is no emotional connections being made, just simple physical acts that allow him to raise his daughter and maintain his marriage.  All that is now at an end.  He is losing his wife, and custody of his daughter.  She will now be raised in a broken home.    
Case Study #3 - This powerful article which is a first hand account of why a woman signed up for Ashley Madison

I am not naive that there are thousands upon thousands of users that are lying and cheating to their partners on this site, after all, the tagline, "have an affair" is in plain site.  I simply am putting these few examples out there to acknowledge that not all users all "evil".  Nor are the families who now are being forced to make decisions based on societal influences.  He who is without sin, and all the jazz.  Do not support internet terrorism.  

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Insecurities in my Past, Rainbows in my Future

Although it is impossible to typecast all the people in my past that I have closed the door on, one commonality that stands out is insecurity.  Now, I am not sure how my friends and family perceived me when I was a teenager or in my early 20’s.  I cannot even really guess because the people that I thought were closest to me, turned out to be a little crazy.  Also, at that stage in the game, as with most people, I was still trying to figure out who I was.  So relying on the crazy family members around me, to shape who I wanted to be as a person left me with a few interesting scars.  I am no longer mad at them, and I don’t break down into tears anymore at the damage that they caused my developing emotional self.  Instead, I try and give them as little thought as possible.  I have accepted what I perceived they did to me, and, well, that’s all I can do. 

What is really interesting to me now though, is that strange feeling that maybe, as result of my family, I was surrounding myself with insecure people because that is who I understood.  I identified with their misgivings about their selves, and bodies, and all other elements that go into achieving real insecurities and I found a way to channel that negative energy into myself.  To be clear, I created a feedback loop, where I would provide positive enforcement for these people, including my immediate family which would pick me up and give them temporary relief.  So in my mind, I was providing a need for them, and they provided positive thanks from me, and thus I was momentarily happy. This enabled me to tolerate my family for much longer than I should have.   

The downside of course is that I would crash hard.  When bad things would happen in my life, there was no one strong or stable enough to be able to support me.  At the time, my then boyfriend was just as insecure as the rest of them.  He was a self defeatist, and thus I just could not handle bad things happening to me because there was no one to help me break the cycle or support me in recognizing what was actually going on.  It is amazing that I did not turn to drugs for an escape here and there.  Haha!

But why am I sharing this with you all?  Why am I bringing up something that is super negative after I have mentioned that I recognize this and try to not give it any thought at all?  Because in light of figuring this out, and believing that I had conquered the demon of my past, one my closest childhood friends and family member turned out to be right in this category. But the great thing?  I figured it out all on my own and put a stop to it.  I changed my feedback loop the instant I saw what was going on. 

And I was not left with any sort of hole as I was a few years back when I started closing doors to my immediate family. And I realize how incredible lucky I am right now.  My partner, my dearest friends, and all those that I am courting for new friends and maybe more are secure.  They are confident amazing individuals.  I do not feel that I am missing out by not being needed as a crutch for all the family that used me for so long.  Instead, I have filled any sort of lingering void with freaking awesome people.  The rainbow at the end of the storm is finally showing its bright colours.  

Look around in your own life.  Do you have that person who is constantly unable to support you?  The person that ignores you whenever you have a problem, and then gives you shit when you don’t reply instantly to their drama?  It embarrasses me to admit that 5 years ago, that is all my phone was filled with.  Those type of nuisance type messages and phone calls.  I called them family, and I felt indebted to them.  And now, they are all out of my life.  And I feel free.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Summary of Dating Our First Couple

I suppose after venting a bit in my last post, I should now be able to write, “Yay! We dated a couple”! In hindsight, it is pretty amazing that after just one bad date, and then a nervous first meeting with a married couple we were able to make a connection.  4 people actually all getting along well enough to socialize together as a group and as different pairings is quite a feat.  And to be able to maintain some semblance of fun for a few weeks here and there, it may be time to start focusing on the pride in that.  We did however hit some incredibly annoying rough patches that are hard to overlook.  But all in all, after a few months of dating, I don’t think any of us hate each other.  In fact there are even some real friendships that are being maintained.  That is impressive.  And it gives me real hope for the future.

There were many moments when I would throw my hands up and say that the stress was just not worth it.  And then, there were points where I could envision things developing, that would just not be possible without multiple stable couples.  The possibilities that I glimpsed through a date here, or a text there, fueled me to hold on a lot longer than I think I needed to.  That hope and glimmer viewed is what keeps me looking and searching for some other kick ass couple. 

The one on one date’s always went well.  The dating parties would come home energized and excited that connections were being made.  There was serious effort put into making this more than just sex.  This was not ever about just swinging.  E and I both want more than that.  My life does not revolve around random sexy times with other men.  I want to be able to call up a couple and all go out dancing or to a show, with the knowledge that something super fun could end the night.  Or just to be able to go out for a girls night, with someone that I had been intimate with, I don't know how to explain why but there is just something alluring and exciting about that prospect.  No restrictions, just being able to comfortably express my sexual and emotional wants with a few more people.  To be clear, E fulfills all my needs, this is simply about wants for me, and why I don't want to settle if things aren't working. 

Unfortunately there was so much room for miscommunication that I could see this dynamic falling apart right from the beginning.  E and I have worked on our communication and we are both comfortable asking for more or less information depending on the scenario.  We can openly discuss our feelings, and wants although it is not a nightly ritual or anything.  But when push comes to shove, we truly connect and are heard by the each other.  That being said it was difficult for me at times to deal with a couple that does not have the same level of communication.  You could ask the wife about a conversation she had with her husband the night before, and then the same thing of the husbands version and it seemed almost night and day.  Maybe they communicated more on body language and the amount of time the two had been together.  However coming into that, made me uncomfortable on more than one occasion.  Drama is not something I want to deal with.  And as E is quickly able to just ignore anything that bothers him, knowing it is not his problem, I for one found that very difficult to do.  I read into situations, and then would get concerned with how it will affect the bigger picture.  It is something I will accept help from E, to help me learn to brush off these emotions in future. 

With that being said though, watching how another couple interacts and communicates did have a certain level of fascination for me.  It was an intimacy that I don`t think many monogamous couples ever get to see in other couples.  We got to witness these interactions first hand, and show off how we interact.  It`s incredible to see two seemingly opposites work together to raise a beautiful family.  Almost awe inspiring, well, more so now that I have had a little time to digest. 

In short my perspective has gained some direction in what I want out of the next couple we date.  I have gone from a position of just taking things day by day and allowing the situation to unfold as it may, to a much more defined prerogative.  I now know exactly what I want out of dating a couple.  I cannot say I knew that at the beginning.  I was na├»ve thinking that having an organic experience free from any tainting would be successful from start to finish.  People in a group dynamic need some clear and defined goals.  It is not enough to just all get along.  Expectations need to be set from the first few encounters.  And for my part, expectations need to be known, with of course the knowledge that dynamics will change based on how everyone gets along.  My laissez-faire mentality did not assist in making this process easy.  We lacked the ability to all communicate as a group, and have an understanding for how each person gets their opinions and wants across and then be able to laugh! And ultimately enjoy all being together. Dating couples is just not an easy feat!

Monday, 13 July 2015

Unhappiness in the Wake of Closure with our First Couple

For being such a personal blog I do keep anger at the minimum because often I sort out my anger and move on.  Rarely does it linger anymore.  I worked very hard on that, and with a very supportive man by my side I can see a real difference even within the last few years.  However, I find part me still feels some anger and resentment even with a few months of space.  I am not happy the way things worked out.  I am not pleased that I watched my partner put in so much effort while I felt like a cheerleader, rather than part of the main event.  I felt as if I was merely a bonus to one party at the expense of another’s efforts.  And these are not words that I like to have in writing.  I don’t want my anger to stick with me, to be thrown in my face at a later time, or worse published.  So I remain soft spoken and balanced with reflection in my tone. This post though, will go against that grain.

There is no resolution.  I made a decision as a result of being unhappy and feeling like I was a prize to be won in a game of chance rather than someone who was 3 dimensional and worthy of getting to know as a whole person.  There was no earning of trust, or developing bonds, likes and dislikes.  It was in fact purely sustaining the status quo, so that sex would result in a one on one intimate level.  I felt cheapened by the experience.  I hear often enough within the online community how much of a slut I am for seeking intimacy with more than one partner.  I have grown a thick shell as a result of these strangers passing judgement and hatred.  However to feel like an object or a prize by someone that I was trying to develop more with, really stung.  I truly felt that he was just going with the flow to please his partner and was putting in the requested level of effort only.  And I am angry.

To clarify, we were dating a couple for a few months.  I ended things with the man because I was unhappy.  I do not feel like swinging is a lifestyle that I connect with.  I want more than that.  I want a friend and someone that I can occasionally sleep with.  Have threesomes and foursomes with, but with friendship in place too.  I want to hang out with both parties in the couple and explore some sexual wants that I have while supported and adventuring with my partner.  In our first couple adventure this just did not happen.

One of the first mistakes I made in this was to allow the couple to know I had a blog.  I feel this may have hindered the getting to know each other phase.  It was remarked to me, that the man of the couple felt he already knew me as a result of my writing.  And unsurprisingly he had actually no idea who I was as a result.  This blog isn’t about developing me as a person.  It is sharing events and feelings that I feel are interesting.  It is showing a perspective in dating that I feel is unique.  It is not a diary.  These are not my memoirs.

To counteract this mistake, perhaps if I had written full posts, instead of ideas here and there while dating this couple, things might have ended differently.  I might have come to terms with my own desires earlier.  I might have found a way to get something specific out of the sinking ship rather than just walking away.  Instead I decided early on to just go day by day and try and make the most of things without putting too much effort.  I allowed myself to experience rather than lead.  I made a few requests at the beginning, they were all satisfied and then I stopped asking for things.  

I then stopped picking a direction.  This was my second mistake.  I did not take advantage of any situations right in front of me.  Instead I watched, waited, and just assumed that all parties were as invested as my partner and I.  It turns out I was wrong.  The story will come out, with more details and fun little intrigues along the way.  For now though, the first foray that I had dating a couple with my amazing partner is in its conclusion.  We experienced so much in just a few short months.   The posts will not be about amazing sexual escapades, and orgies, rather the experiences and troubleshooting that comes about when two people are brought into your inner circle.  But for now, I am feeling a little empty, solidified by the fact that when I ended things with the man, we are left with absolutely nothing to talk or text about.  We barely got to know each other.  And it is a mistake I will not let get so far in the future.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

One Less Stampede Cowgirl This Year

I have been to stampede nearly every year of my life.  I cannot guarantee I was there as infant as I couldn’t be asked to remember such things, but as far as my working memory goes, my record is perfect.  I have attended as a little tike, enjoying the parade and all the aspects children can see right on up to adulthood.  Whereby I took my experience to a more adult level, including bars, pub crawls, and every aspect of debauchery that are expected as a seasoned Calgarian.   I have written posts about our Stampede centennial and in celebration of the slut.  However this year, I am writing from afar. 

I am missing my first Stampede to go on an international trip with my sweetheart.  And I wasn’t bothered by this until today.  I am really going to miss having a beer by 8 am with friends.  To the numerous stampede breakfasts, the midway, and general celebrations this city engages in.  Mostly though, I am going to miss the dress code!  I love dressing up in my best stampede wear.  I love the short shorts, the denim, the chaps, and the men in cowboy hats.  I love the tight jeans, the belt buckles and the general abundance of plaid.  Only for these 10 days can people from far and wide do plaid sexy.  And I love it!

For years I have said just how lucky Calgary is to be able to dress slutty twice a year.  Halloween and again during Stampede.  Sex is in the air and it is invigorating.  As someone who promotes sexually positive attitudes I am missing my Mecca.  The holy land of tight, and a little bit trashy, filled with a boozy hue in the air it is for me, true freedom.  I can make choices to drink, party, and flirt my little butt off.  Or to just dress the part and put myself on a little personal parade.  The choice is there, and unless there are some ladies who are giving a disgruntled tsk tsk, the environment is generally accepting. 

I face a lot controversy on a regular basis with my online dating profiles, and a bit in my personal life as a result of writing this blog.  Some days it can really be a struggle to keep my head held high.  But during these 10 days, I feel confident.  There is comraderey in the fact that so many are enaging in their own deviant behavior during these 10 days.  I get to hear stories from so many  about their previous Stampede adventures in all their scandalous glory.  Why?  Because we give each other a pass for these 10 days.  It is not just me, sharing my crazy life, but getting to hear from friends who allowed themselves to be crazy.  To get in touch with their inner slutty selves.  And more importantly to be a little proud of making their own memories. 

Stampede, I am missing you.  

Saturday, 6 June 2015

Fading Away from Me

Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet.  When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out.  I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back.  I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be.  I changed a lot about myself.  I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.  

Now I find myself in yet another transitional period.  I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read.  I don’t like that.  There is something alluring about being  mysterious, but that is not the term being used.  I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle.  An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime.  The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.  

I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl.  And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore.  I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself.  Losing faith in my own core instincts.  I can’t promise that I will just get it back.  But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again.  Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off. 

When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone.  Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends.  I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way.  So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends.  However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again.  Yes, that is super hard to write.  The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before.  They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth.  If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life.  Nor will I. 

I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me.  I trust myself.  I can do what I set my mind to.  And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them.  I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions.  Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Dating Together: The First Date as a Team

In November E and I went on our first date as a couple in over a year.  We met up with a guy who was in an open relationship for a drink.  This was a big step for us, and one that we were very excited to start experiencing together.  We had found the guy online and his picture was quite pleasant.  His e-mails made it sound like he had a girlfriend that was open herself and that this would be the introduction meeting with the potential of the four of us meeting at a later time.  Perfect.   Also it was a great way to rip off the bandaid so to speak and just get out there, as a team.  Thus the time and place were set.

Now a few funny things happened.  One, we had a huge cold snap in this fair city.  Perhaps that doesn’t seem funny, but the fact that we braved nearly 35 below zero to go meet a perfect stranger in hopes of getting some strange has a point of humour to it.  The second is that I took the guys phone number down wrong.  So when I texted to say we had arrived, I had an awkward text conversation with a random and confused guy, plus no way to get a hold of the actual guy. 

Now here is the thing.  The guy showed up nearly 45 minutes late.  Which of course we gave a pass to given the weather.  However, when he walked up, he was easily 20 years older and also heavier than his picture.  I think he was also missing some hair, but I could be a little fuzzy on that detail.  Either way, I would never had known it was him, if not for him sitting down at our table.  I recall thinking we should just get up and walk away.  Had I been alone meeting, I probably would have just snuck out.  Judge if you want, but getting lied to in picture is a big deal breaker for me.  However, having E with me, and after a few subtle get on the same page glances we stayed for a drink. 
The drinks went fine.  We had pleasant chit chat and together learned our first big lesson in dating together.  And that is how to politely reject a person, and who out of the two is the person who gets to pull that trigger.  In this circumstance we decided it would be nicer if I did it while E was in the washroom to save a little face.  Rejection is a tough one to fathom, but imagine the stress and pressure of having two people reject you at the same time?  It was and is a whole new way of looking at dating for us.  And as I am starting to find out, just the first of many hard lessons to be learned.

As a side note though, I do have a social criticism of just how overly polite society is turning.  We would have been within our rights to call this guy out for the fraudulent picture and wasting our time.  Instead, we just pretended that he looked kind of, almost close and had a few beers and some friendly conversation.  We took it as a learning experience, glass half full sort of scenario.  Even the let down, we tried to do as kindly as possible.  I mean you cannot be rude or mean to a person you just met.  You cannot just call a person out, and push that limit of social norms, can you?  As I look back, on this experience, it would have been nice if I had tried not being such a pussy, and calling this guy out.  I am quickly finding out, months later, that I would be enjoying this whole couples dating thing so much more if I could remove that desperate need to take into consideration other people’s feelings before my own.   More on that to come soon.

Monday, 9 March 2015

Freedom of Expression

I adore blogging.  I love the freedom of expression that comes as a result and how I am able to deal and let go with things through the written word.  Lately though this freedom has really come into question for me.  A couple of things arose around a similar time frame and I find myself sitting on 4 or 5 nearly finished posts and yet, the result is that I am unable to press the publish button. 

Firstly, my blog’s host site reviewed their nudity policy.  This had me reeling in defiance, and resulted in me angrily saying that no one will censor me.  I have been researching and studying various ways to gain more control over what and how I post.  Quite soon I hope I will have an announcement over the final destination of my blog, but for the time being, it was just a hindrance to my posting.  I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to continue to blog in the same way, or on the same forum. 

The next issue that arose was one of readership.  I have acquired a few new faces in my inner circle.  As a result of me being open and honest, they are aware of my blog.  Up until this point I have always written with myself in mind, and said screw it to anyone who reads.  These are my thoughts and feelings and although they may be emotional to some readers, my opinion is what fuels my writing.  And I lament that I lost sight of that.  I did not want to write anything that could potentially hurt the relationships that E and I are trying to form.  This unfortunately has led me to bottle a few things up that I have not been used to closing the door to.  I had a really rough day yesterday trying to deal with my emotions on my own, and suddenly I realized, that is the very reason I started blogging.  I was learning how to be in an open relationship and deal with all my emotions.  I realized yesterday just how badly I needed my outlet to put my thoughts and feelings down so I could organize them.  To write without fear of the reactions of others.

My blog centers me, and helps me sort through emotions, especially those that are new to me.  I need that in my life.  And I need to do that free of censorship from any front or angle.  I won’t make a blanket apology, even though I am tempted and feel that it would be appropriate.  I don’t want to be absolved of the reactions or feelings that may arise in reading about the life that I love so much.  I do make mistakes.  And I need to make them.  I need to say what I feel even if that may offend or cause an unexpected reaction, because that’s how I am going to learn.  That is how I am going to grow, and be mature enough to enjoy the life that I have worked so damn hard to get to.  I feel freer after writing this post, and the strength to post what’s waiting is growing.  Phew… it was a very tough few weeks.  

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Drinking and Foursomes

Sometimes I honestly believe that I am intelligent and have the capacity to learn and grow from my past mistakes.  And then a few weekends ago happened.  My first threesome I was blackout drunk and swore I would never get drunk and sex it up again, which you can read about here.  It was also my first time with a woman, so go figure that I can barely remember the experience.  My second threesome was amazing, and I was sober.  There were many factors that made it fantastic, but being sober definitely heightened all my sensations and just brought the experience to an amazing level.  But more importantly, I have strong, and vivid memories from that night.  So that threesome has
really lived on for me.

Comparing the two, sober me has much better sex with multiple partners than drunk me.  Now lets fast forward to newest weekend in question.  There are four of us who have begun to date.  After a bit of a rocky week, we all decided to slow things down and just have a night of dinner and dancing.  Perfect!  CAKE as I will refer to our little foursome henceforth (but more on that on a later post), were all equally excited to just enjoy each other’s company.

Knowing that we were just dancing and having fun, the shots came out.  Now I will say that the first shot was a result of trying to kick the night up a notch because two of our group had a curfew, the fact still remains that one simply cannot stop at one shot.  And we didn't.  So here the four of us were, dancing, drinking and doing the occasional shot right up until the moment we realized that time was up.

Intelligent me, should have said, what an amazing night.  Said how excited I was that we really broke the ice and got in a cab to my house.  However drunk me did the complete opposite.  Oh yes, let’s have a nightcap at the other couples house and continue the party.  So CAKE all got in a cab and continued to party.

Now we have a situation where there is booze, four good looking people, and comfy couches and beds.  It is not a difficult stretch at this point to see what would happen when E took off my bra in front of the four of us. 

This post should have been about just how hot the night was.  It should have been about how amazing having a foursome really is, and how all the hard work leading up to it pays off.  And yet, here I am just missing parts of the night.  Things are fuzzy, and a little blurry at times.  I remember thinking that male or female a tongue is a tongue.  So that's a cool thing.  But I am left wondering if that sentiment will be true sober.  I know a little booze would have been a nice touch for the foursome cherry to be popped.  But seriously drunk self!  Stop having multiple partners while drunk!!! The hangover and uncertainty in the morning are more than enough reason to never, NEVER do that again.  Sigh…

Monday, 26 January 2015

No Touchies: Our First Swing Club Part II

For anyone who missed part I last week, please follow this link, for the rest, please enjoy the conclusion to our first swing club adventure.

In the main play place, which we passed on route to the couples only area, I glimpsed a pair of legs spread wide open and bare on an upper level.  It was the first time I had seen live sex, and it was dark and silhouetted.  There were no sounds, just a few flashing bare legs reaching up from the bed she was laying on.  I was questioning if I would be comfortable having sex in such a public setting at this point, and I started to get visibly nervous.  E took my hand, and lead us to a more intimate place, a place where only the two of us were for a few moments, through the low lighting and down a small hallway.  And wow! What a kiss awaited me.  

When is the last time you made out with a person in public?  Have you ever just been overcome with the urge to passionately kiss someone that you forgot for a moment that PDA is discouraged in society?  Seeing someone hot, letting go, and just allowing yourself to get lost in the moment?  That hot kiss, full on with groping and grinding?  Now imagine that this behaviour is encouraged.  That you are in a place full of people who share your passion and energy and get off on being open and public.  It feels like a mindfuck looking back, and yet, in that space you are just one with those intense feelings.  You begin to hear neighboring moaning.  You see glimpses of bare legs, you hear those familiar rocking sounds and you get swept up.  You lose yourself and forget that this behaviour is taboo.  Sex in public is bad!  PDA is gross.  Moaning in public is quite forbidden.  In this place, though the rules are flipped upside down.  People are overcome with the urge to touch a strange body, to watch live, that most intimate of expressions saved for the bedroom alone. 

This was real, that passionate kiss from E, that both calmed me and excited me, shared in a swingers club.  That public make out session that made me feel safe and secure enough to be lead towards a cubby where we would soon undress each other.  It was here that we had our first opportunity to be intimate with another couple.  Even if it was from an emotional level only. This couple had come in quite late, and seemed to be as nervous as we were.  E and I were making out on the staircase blocking the only entrance to the upper couples play area.  There were a few giggles and glances towards each other as we moved into our cubby and continued to play with each other.  E mentioned that he could see this couple get into the spot beside us, and just like that our brief moment alone was replaced by couples who had now successfully negotiated their swinging terms and were about to have their own adventures right above us.  You could see a glimpse of other couples through the mirrors up above us, and beside us on the staircase.  In total that night I think there were 4 or so couples in the play area.  It lead to a very intimate feeling, with just the right amounting of moaning and rustling of sheets to not be overwhelming.

We were a part of a bunch of people actually having sex in public.  We got caught up in the moment, that hot, hot moment and time actually flew by.  It wasn’t until a bouncer walked down the hallway saying last call that we even had a clue of the hour.  We were completely absorbed in our surroundings and each other.  E saw a few couples watching us as they had sex, and for my part, I don’t remember even opening my eyes.  I was just lost, trying to hold onto the moment and the intensity.  That red glow from outside our little cubby where we remained for a solid couple of hours was our play place.  An intimacy which others could share both visually and audibly.  So hot to look back upon.   
It was nearly 2 in the morning when the lights came on and we finally emerged.  And what a memory! Being that first couple in and the last couple out!  I wondered what it would be like to see other spent couples in the light, and honestly it felt pretty natural.  We washed up, got dressed, and said goodbye to a few people as we walked to our car.  We were sore, and glowing, and we had made the most of our opportunity at this club.  

The night really brought us right back to where we want to be, dating another couple, and enjoying all these new adventures together.  Swinging takes a lot of communication, and a shared knowledge of the needs of you, your partner and the other people you want to swap with.  As we found out, it is more of an interview process with a new couple and then a few compatibility tests, followed by the swap.  The cycle repeats each evening that play is needed or wanted.  It is a version of spice that was so interesting to get involved in, if only from the sidelines, or with limited participation.  For myself, I want a more intimate connection with more than one person that will go beyond a club setting.  But as far as any public sex I have had, this evening blew it out of the water.  I was safe to love my partner, and be as intimate as I wanted.  There was no rushing to finish or fear of getting caught.  It was a real rush.  And although we both feel that that particular club is not one we would go back to.  The idea of exploring different clubs is still very exciting.  It may very well be our new travel activity... maybe.

Monday, 19 January 2015

No Touchies: Our First Swing Club Part I

Every couple has boundaries in their relationship.  E and I are constantly trying to explore and find new turn ons while re-evaluating where our limits are as a couple.  While trying to seek a couple to meet while traveling last year we were introduced to the idea of going to a swing club.  While meeting the couple or hitting the club fell through at the time, we made a solid effort to change that during our last visit to LA.  With nervous excitement we finalized our research and booked a night to go.  We spent hours talking about our boundaries, our expectations, protocols and a few fantasies that we had for the experience.  When the hour drew near to start the drive over, the nerves hit hard.  Questions kept creeping up, “what if we don’t have fun?” and “what if we don’t find anyone attractive?” A twinge of intimidation even crept in a we began wondering what the hell two Canadians who had never swung before would feel or do in the largest club in California.  So let me begin the tale with the first contact I made with the club.

In order to attend this particular swing club, a phone call was required, as the address is not listed on the website, preventing walk ins and to protect people’s privacy as much as possible.  I made the call, as E wisely thought we would have an easier time with the interview process if I called instead of him.  He was right of course, and a brief conversation later we had the address.  It was really happening!  And so were the nerves.  Now I am not sure how other couples handle nerves, but E and I have been through some pretty intense situations together whereby both our nerves flair up.  Be it with skydiving, family situations or relationship nerves we have learned to read and react to each other within our own nervousness.  We know when to make the other person laugh, distract or even to cross the line and point out that they are overreacting.  And as we drove towards the club in the dark, this understanding of the nervous dynamic shone through.

So when we drove up, and there were only a few lights on a fence in the middle of nowhere E was able to sense my tension and run with it.  It was dark and I became fixated on the fact that there were no signs or indication that we were in the right place other than the GPS arrow pointing the way.  We knew we arrived early, however seeing a near empty parking lot did little to calm the nerves.  That walk up the driveway seemed like forever.  I was shivering in my dress, and clutching E`s hand as we made nervous chit chat towards this large white building that had sections added to all sides like some poorly thought out school house that grew too big for its original purpose.  Finally a sign, literally, we were in the right place and relief waved over.  In we walked. 

Just like any business you walk up to the front desk, fill out a waiver and pay your money.  It was after all a business where small talk was made and in those moments I realized this was the first time I had relaxed in well over an hour.  A man who looked more like a bouncer was radioed over to give us a tour of the facility and off we went into the darkness of the club.  They did their best to make the tour seem normal.  And here we were nodding our heads as we walked from room to room like this was an everyday thing.  “Over here is the bar”, “and over here is the main play area”, “while over here is the sex chair” and on and on.  Just a perfectly normal tour in a darkly lit building designed for pleasure of the carnal kind.   

I remember walking through the main play area and feeling beyond overwhelmed by this massive two level mattress jungle.  And then a little calmness as we reached the chained off area and were shown the couples only play centre.  It was more private, a little smaller but still sex geared and I remember being amazed by all the mirrors!  It was two levels with small cubbies on the bottom, facing a wall of mirrors and a large play area along the top.  A great big adult bunk bed basically.  I remember wondering what this place looked like with people having sex, (as we had arrived during the pre sex, and or mingle hour) and how I would actually react to it all, but no time to contemplate that as the tour continued.  We were shown the couple bathroom and the woman’s only bathroom which seemed natural and normal in that setting.  Lastly we were taken to a large room with a long bar and a dance floor.  Finally we had a glimpse of other couples, well just people in general.  A few rules were stressed, couples in and couples out, singles are restricted to certain rooms and no means no.  This was a drug free facility, and BYOB, as the focus was on sex and sex alone.  And with that we that we were left on our own to sort out where to go from here. 

Logically we sat down and had a beer.  We looked around and realized quite quickly that we were the hottest and youngest couple there.  I had figured being in LA we would have a much better chance of being surrounded by hotties, and well, porn let me down.  Speaking of porn, there were flat screen TV’s in each of the mingle rooms and that was the first sex that we saw.  There was a different porn video on every single TV, something for everyone’s tastes, well if you like lower budget. 

The owner of the nudist resort down the street came over and introduced himself.  He then excitedly told us that one of the higher caliber scenes we were watching was filmed in this very club.  He was so proud of his cameo in it too.  The whole conversation just felt surreal, as we talked sex and drank our beers.   But at the same time oddly sweet and endearing.  We chatted for a bit and he gave us a little rundown of the facility and made some introductions of fellow regulars and staff.  We were told that the night before, being New Years Eve, they had a party with over 270 couples.  Tonight the turnout was looking to be about 30 couples, a much less intimidating number for these little newbies. 

We decided to do a little wandering around on our own, in hopes of finding some attractive people hidden away somewhere.  We began by heading over to one of the socializing rooms with a pool table.  Here we met two couples who were just so normal to chat to.  Very openly talking about their experiences swinging and getting outted as swingers in normal society.  It was just neat to be a fly on the wall and see how people handle this lifestyle in the real world.  How it can affect their jobs, etc.  Unfortunately neither of these two couples really got us physically excited so we went back to the bar for another beer.  

It was here that we learned a term that would change the experience for us completely.  A guy came over to chat with us, saying that his wife comes with him a few times a month, but he is here every Thursday with or without her being the only day of the week that single men are allowed in.  He loves the environment and asked if we had seen the infinity room yet.  It was room that was covered in mirrors on all sides with a few slots for people to watch.  Mainly though, the couple inside could see every single sexy angle from in that room with the infinity effect.  He told us that this was the room most frequented by “no touchies”.

The term “no touchies” was new to the both of us and does not seem to be widely known outside of the swinging community.  We were told that swingers coined this term for that really hot or full of themselves couple in the club, who feel that they are too good for anyone else and just want to fuck in public and have everyone ogle them.  More specifically they are the dream LA couple depicted with the big fake boobs, tanned body and a hint of arrogance.  E and I smiled upon learning this, we had found a name for the role we take in our first swinging adventure.  We would be the pseudo “no touchies” that night, well without the fake boobs or arrogance… our adventure was now really about to begin.  We had found our niche for the night, within our level of comfort and headed back towards the play rooms.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Lowering Standards: A Clarification

I want to elaborate on a comment I made in my last post, whereby I said that I lowered my standards when looking for couples.  While I standby my statement, I do feel that it needs a little more elaboration, especially if any couples that we date should happen to stumble upon my little blog.  As I said, I stand by that statement and the reason for that is this, when dating as a couple, you need to take your partners wants and needs into consideration and not just your own.  For example, I love tall men, and I will outright dismiss any male who is shorter than me or of equal height.  That is my solo dating standard and is non negotiable, as a couple though, I am much more open.

 As a couple dating, those “non negotiable” becomes less important.  I am not looking for that male who looks amazing standing beside me, will someday father my children, and other necessary genetic traits for my long term happiness.  Instead, it becomes more of a “we” thing.  And together we are looking for awesome personality, fun and full of adventurous or engaging stories.  We can broaden our horizons and turn a blind eye to certain main partner prerequisites because these individuals and couples are more accurately bonuses in our lives.

Does that sound strange?  Perhaps, but honestly, that’s how it feels.  These individuals are spice, and fun, and extra amazing additions to our lives.  They do not have to encompass every single preferred trait, rather they are the people we get to explore and broaden our horizons with.  So the statement that I have lowered my standards may have come across as harsh, but it remains true.  My standards for dating as a couple are much more relaxed and after much conversation with my partner I am becoming ok with admitting that. 

The harsh part of the statement that may have been inferred on first reading, is that it is hard for me to relax my stringent criteria for what I find attractive.  So I have been trying to take a deep breath and take in the whole person rather than jumping to my immediate nopes.  And what makes that process more rewarding is that look in my partners eyes when he finds something or someone besides me sexy.  He gets this twinkle of excitement, and it almost always comes back full circle for me.  A little spice on the side results in me getting nearly twice as much affection shortly after.  It is an intensity that is very difficult to describe if you have not experienced it for yourself.  When there is no guilt associated with getting spice, flirting and finding new people, your expression of passion for your main partner nearly explodes.  It is a sensation that throws you in a moment that you almost never want to end.  That place where you appreciate who you are with for that second, moment and life in a deep and powerful way. 

I wrote early on in my blog about chasing butterflies.  And that’s the rub, you just cannot get that butterfly feeling with someone that you know so completely.  What you can get though, is butterflies with someone new, and then full complete passion and love with that person you will spend the rest of your life with.  No terrible crash after the butterflies, no apprehension or nervousness, or insecure feelings.  The beautiful tummy flip of adrenaline, followed by the fullness of love and complete satisfaction by someone who knows every nook and cranny of your body and soul.   It is so difficult to paint properly the picture of emotions that make my life complete when I am able to share all these experiences with my partner.  I know I am not doing it near enough justice, so all I can do is close my eyes, and try to write out the near perfect feeling of being able to have my cake and eat it too.  To have found a relationship norm that includes butterflies, and deep, stable passion all in one day with nothing artificial.  That deep yearning to be loved for everything you are, with a delightful mix, of getting to meet someone new, and the tease of new adventures.  And to do all of this in the open, with love and support.  This is why I blog, this is the purpose of sharing with all my dear readers.  I cannot keep to myself this most perfect relationship standard that enhance my life so perfectly.  I am truly blessed and complete in my emotional needs and wants.  This is my true love.