Sunday, 21 December 2014

The Couples Dating Pool

Quite often the best dating advice you can give to a person who is struggling to find that special someone is to go out and join a club/team/ or take a class where you can socialize in a non dating specific context.  This advice is sound as it increases social skills, and allows you to mingle with new people in a less pressure filled way.  Sharing like interests or trying something new is a great way to meet new people, and is often a more successful setting than simply online dating.  Basically find a way to just get out there and meet new people.  This is advice I give, have been given and will continue to give to all singles out there.  Now couples on the other hand, that is a whole different ball of wax.

I am not sure what the reaction would be if E and I got all dressed up, walked into a bar and started flirting with a sexy couple that we saw across the room.  It is possible it might end in flattery at best. Or to join a cooking class and start a playful flour fight with that dreamy couple sharing our island.  I mean in a perfect world we would all go home and play for hours simply because E and I think we are that amazing, so who wouldn't want to go home with us, right?

The reality is a little different.  When looking for something very specific, the pool that you are drawing from gets a little shallower.  So you roll with the punches, diversify your search, and put your two best people on the hunt.  You try online dating sites, some very detailed ads, both responding and creating your own, and you lower that bar you set just a little.  Opening yourself up to the possibility that there could be a few surprises in people that you never would have given a chance on your own.  There are now after all 4 opinions to take into consideration.

The diversity out there is quite remarkable.  All walks of life are looking for different relationships than those they were raised or socialize to seek out, not just the rebels or kinky souls.  Regular folks just looking to try new things, new people and make cool connections that they couldn't brag about on facebook.  As a team, as a couple, just like we are.  We have also encountered some who seek a one night party in a hot tub, while others want to journey alone to meet up with a couple to either challenge themselves to please two people or be pleased themselves.  Honestly, it is hard to fully describe this almost sub culture that we are diving into.  The diversity of messages is pretty astounding and I could give examples nearly all day.  It may be a smaller pool of people, but there are a lot of couples out there.

And in trying to find them we keep learning, growing, while keeping in mind that we will be making a few mistakes here and there, but doing it side by side.  It is exhilarating.  And it is nearly a full time job!  We are discovering some pretty rad people just hanging out in this amazing city of ours and hope to travel to discover a few too.  I am learning so much about different relationship styles that it is hard to get every one of them down on paper.  But I will keep trying to share with my readers all that I am discovering.  People constantly amaze me, and couples are twice the adventure...

Saturday, 6 December 2014

November Realization

I am so glad that November is over.  I tried to take on a bit too much and that all escalated to a grinding halt during our dear dark, and cold November.  Typically I balance my work, home, love life with a certain confidence that leaves me with a sense of pride when I look back on the day, and at all I have achieved.  This past month was a bit too much for me. It is rare for me to feel overwhelmed off and on for that long of a period of time.  So long in fact that I look back upon this blog and find it missing in any content for this bleak time span.

If you have been following me for any length of time, you will appreciate how writing centers me.  It grounds me in an almost trance like way, my own form of meditation.  And well, I was so out of sorts, I could not write.

An amazing realization happened out of those overwhelming feelings, that brought me to tears on more than one occasion.  That being the re affirmation that I am not alone.  I have the perfect fitting partner for who I am now, and for who I am striving to be in the future.  The is not something that I ever thought would happen.  I do not believe in "the one", however I do embrace the love of the right now and look fondly towards the future with a man who fits so perfectly it takes my breath away. After all the stressful and amazing situations the two of us have gone through together, we emulate the phrase stronger than ever.  

I call my partner and my being on the same page an amazing thing because there is always that nagging fear that when your partner sees you at your worst they are going to run away.  And it feels rational at the time.  You find yourself hating who you are, having troubles getting happy or just catching a breath.  Who in their right mind would want to stand by that, support and even find ways to cherish the moments when you are just needing a hug because you feel like you have nothing left in you.  This post would have been near impossible for me to admit to anyone anything more than a few years ago.  And to my character I just couldn't write this when I was actually feeling low and lost.  Now however, I feel refreshed and excited for how strong we are as partners.  I hope to share some adventures of the two of us dating shortly and bring a little fun to this blog.  

Friday, 17 October 2014

In My 30’s and Proud

I was talking to my best friend the other day about our birthdays, and welcomed her to the 30’s club.  And while doing so, she spoke about being very excited about joining the 3-0 club, saying how she felt sexier, and more confident now that she was taking care of her body than she did in her early 20’s.  And I wholeheartedly agree.  I was not scared of turning 31 myself, and this was the very reason.  In fact, I can hold my head up higher when I look in the mirror now.  I don’t feel like my body is just skinny and young, there is a shape that is firm and sexy.  When I look at my face, I don’t try and cover up the little laugh lines I notice around my eyes.  Instead I am excited that they are there, and signify the laughter and fantastic experiences that I have had, with extra thanks to my boyfriend.

I am physically and emotionally secure in who I am today.  And although I experience speed bumps from time to time, the big picture is that I love me.  This in turn has lead to me not wasting any time in the online dating community with people who do not feel the same way.  When I was showing E a few couples who had messaged me, I lamented on those with whom had great profiles but who did not have pictures to go with them.  To me, not having pictures, or having a body shot with your face blurred is cause for concern.  Either you are embarrassed of what you look like, or you are not taking the online game seriously.  Yes, I have heard the excuse multiple times that one needs to keep their picture private due to work, or affiliations.  And to that I say bollix.  There is no way to put yourself out there only part ways.  As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it would be outright dangerous and foolish to meet someone that you do not have a current picture of.  Not only that, I value my time and do not want to waste mine or another’s by making an emotional connection if there is nothing there physically.


Dating couples is hard.  You now have 4 people to consider instead of just two.  With that being said, I am in my 30’s with a fierce confidence and I would like to attract the same mindset.  That is important to me, and an element of my open relationships that took me the longest to get a grasp on.  I do not want to hold any one’s else’s hand in that regard.  I want fun and real connections that I can share and experience with the man I love.  I do not want to waste time with people who are too shy or have skeleton’s that they need to overcome before meeting us.  You have taken the time to create a profile.  Now take the next step and message if you are serious and ready to play what could very well be an amazing game.   Bring on an already incredible 31!

Monday, 29 September 2014

Dating Together, The Start of an Adventure

I have just reached and celebrated the ripe age of 31.  As many of you know, I get very reflecting during birthday season.  It is more important to me than new years, as I recognize it as my personal date of looking backwards and planning frontwards.  This year, I acted on a very important decision that I have made in years past.  And that is beginning the journey of looking for partners to join E and I.  It is one thing to talk about it, to plan for it, and get on the same page.  It is quite another to actually put yourself out there as dating and proud, together. 

E see's my nervousness for what it is, and that is truly remarkable.  I have the butterflies, and antsy feeling.  And what is super cool about that is, I can share every step with my partner.  It is not a fearful dating on your own, filled with apprehension knowing the letdowns that are not far off into the distance.  Instead it is replaced with excitement, challenges and true connections.  First and foremost with my partner, and then exploring what spice is out there.  Expanding our love beyond just our little family.

Now I know I am excited, nervous and a little scared about this new adventure so we decided to be transparent in our profiles to ensure that we can help each other find the best we can.  And of course, the first thing that I have learned in this online process is that many guys do not actually read profiles.  Here is a little sample of the kind of conversations that I have encountered.  This began after I asked if he had actually read my profile before messaging me, and he learnt that it was my boyfriend in my profile picture and we were looking to date someone or a couple together. 

Guy –“Ohhh. Nope, that's kinda gross. Good luck!”

Me –“I can see how you would think reading is gross as is evident by your ignorance and quick judgement.”

Guy –“No no. Reading is good. And i do know you're a good person due to the fact that we've spoken off and on for a couple years now and i'm a good judge of charactor. The gross part i'm referring to is when people have to go outside of a relationship to satisfy one or both partners physical needs. Just my opinion. Not being judgemental, but when i'm in a commited relationship, there's no need to have to share to satisfy any of 'those' needs”

Me –“You don't think saying "that's kinda gross" is being judgemental?

I am not looking for a FWB or anything along those lines. I am looking to expand my love in all forms with my partner. We are both physically satisfied. We also know that we both enjoy a little "spice" from time to time and that comes in the form of new people. We both agree that doing it together will be exciting and fun.

While I understand the notion that one man can completely satisfy one woman or any gender combinations there in, I would simply say that in a long term relationship, it doesn't feel right to me. I love flirting, variety, and being supported and fulfilled body and soul by my partner. I subscribe to the idea that I can have my cake and eat it too. “



Dealing with online trolls and people who just cannot be curious without being an ass is part of being in the online community.  As I have said before, I do often forget that.  I hope that over the next year and beyond there will be a few wonderful stories to share with you all.  A few funny moments, and some real sexy adventures.  In the meantime, let the online dating challenge begin.  

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Seeing a Gut Reaction

Sometimes I forget that the content I write about is not for everyone.  That the views I have, and how I live my life illicit reactions from people that are less than desirable.  Writing this blog is freedom of expression, but also allows me to build a protective bubble of tolerance.  What I mean by that, is I see my stats grow week by week, regular and new readers alike and it becomes easier to say that what I am doing is starting to become accepted.  That perhaps I am somehow making a difference or at the very least breaking down a few walls of the unknown.

And then I say something to a friend about being open, or make some reference to dating while being in a relationship and I am slapped in the face with reality.  I see the discomfort on the persons face who has known me for years.  I see the uncomfortable stirring in the seat.  And worse than that, I see a form of pain cross their eyes as they internalize what I have said, and they intuitively put themselves in my shoes and are scared.

I write this blog for me.  But there is a massive downside to it.  I do not ever get to see a persons reaction when they read a post I wrote for the first time.  I miss out on the initial gut impact that a few of my more poignant posts have given.  I watch page views rise quickly with my internal musings and slower with my more controversial subjects.  Yet over time, the controversial ones remain stronger and get more repeat views.  I honestly do not know why.

I remember as a young teenager playing the Penis Game.  The rules are, someone in a public place quietly says `penis`.  Then the person beside repeats the word, but a little louder.  This continues until you are basically screaming the word PENIS.  The game ends when you cannot stop laughing or you have been asked to shut up by the poor innocent passerby's.  I used to hate playing that game.  I would watch parents give dirty looks, professional`s glare with that hint of humiliation, and some senior just look onwards with a deep knowing almost reminiscent face.  It was the reactions that stuck with me.  That variance of emotions that at the time made me want to sink as low as possible and disappear.

I felt that talking with this friend about being in an open relationship.  We are so close, that she could not remove herself from the situation.  I saw firsthand a gut reaction.  I don`t think I would have been able to write for so long had there been a medium available that would have show the looks on peoples faces as they read each word I typed.  I am much happier in the world of tolerance I have created for myself within this blog.  I love the freedom and release I get each time I press publish. Not being able to see your faces allows me to keep this organic and about what I really think, and feel without censoring myself or curbing my views to appeal to masses.  It is a double edged sword I realize, but with great value in the long run for me.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Here and Now: Regret

The second post I ever wrote, and in fact the first post that I was brave enough to actually publish and e-mail out to a few friends and select family members was entitled Regret.  When I wrote this post E and I had broken up and I was reeling.  I was trying to decide if an open relationship was something new and exciting because of his introduction, or because it suited me.  And in all honesty it took me a few years to be able to start putting into actions what I felt was right for me in theory.  I never for a moment regretted my time with him, and I have not since then regretted how hard I have fallen for him in the past few years.  We are amazing partners.  And yet, I read that post of mine, and I felt a lump in my throat.  I tried so hard to edit it, to have it make a little more sense.  And yet, there was real and raw emotion to it when I wrote it.

I cannot help but delve a little deeper into why that is, or was.  I have heard from many of my friends and peers that my writing style has changed, that it has grown and matured.  I smile and say thank you, or that I know it has.  The truth is, it is not my writing that has changed, it is me.  My perspectives and my views.  I wrote Regret being fiercely proud of my actions up until that point.  Almost arrogantly self assured that every action I took, I stood behind.  That I could live with the ramifications and move forward with my life.  The crushing honesty was though, that I knew deep down, that not being with E was just wrong.  I regretted nothing, except the very essence of why I was writing, trying to make sense of me, relationships, and the like.  Doing all of this while balancing the pain and the knowledge that the biggest mistake of my life was being without him.

If at the time of writing that post I had acknowledged what I was really feeling and why, I may just have crumbled.  Heartbreak and loneliness is something I have a great deal of experience with, and again in that case, it was completely out of my control.  I had allowed something amazing to spiral downwards because I was in limbo between theory and actions.  I was caught up between falling in love, and having to share.  Between being an only child, selfish to the core and learning that I could love more than one.  I was a mess, an emotional, gut aching mess.  It took me years to re read that post.  I am amazed at how wonderful the here is, in relation to that moment where I felt crippling regret and fought everything in me to believe that everything happens for a reason.  That moment where annoying optimism collides head on with the unknown reality that something really wrong has just happened.  That first pang of real regret.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

Late Night Lament

You are lonely.  You desperately seek that someone to come home to every night.  You lay awake in your bed for two, for too many nights in a row, wondering what is wrong with you.  Why this solitude, when all you want is a lifelong companion.  That someone who gives you joy.  That someone to come home to each night, and share all your stories and dreams with.  That someone with whom you can finally be yourself with, who will cherish all the little quirks that you hide on a day to day basis with the mass of people who just would never understand.

Then it happens.  You finally click with someone.  You have reached that age where the two of you know with certainty that you match, and match well.  You rush to move in together.  You skip all of the courtship, the ups and downs, and move forward with lightning speed.  After all, you know what alone feels like, so this something new, this someone must be forever.  Of course it is more than a warm body you tell yourself, yes they have their faults, but you are now thinking long term not just an amazing lay.  This is someone who gets you.  Who laughs at your jokes and seems to understand your need to no longer go the journey on your own.  The compatibility takes a stronger role than the lust you felt as a teenager.  You finally found someone who will not hurt you.  Someone who is stable and secure.  You find someone that you can picture growing old with, and you feel comfortable in the knowledge that someday the friendship will mean more than the sex.  You push away the nagging thought that perhaps you are just settling, and there may be someone exciting around the corner.  This comfortable person is real, and your fantasy of lifelong adventure is not.

I have been there.  I have shared this longing, and I have felt that pain of loneliness.  Tempted by the first man who I could picture a future with.  Teased by the promise of not feeling the sting of solitude, and of not having to go through those ups and downs alone.  Haunted by the “what if” this is the best I can ever do feeling.  I cannot tell you are wrong for settling.  I won’t tell you that I disagree with your choice to take hold of the best chance at comfort you have felt in years.  And of course I will not judge you.   I can’t, as that would make me a hypocrite.  I too, tried to live that life.  I too, have felt that it is better to be with the not quite honeymoon forever phase, rather than being alone.  I have tried to create spark when there was none, and work my ass off to fix the mundane rather than be alone again.  I have tried to settle for the here and now without first coming to grips with what the here was all the time, myself.


My mother once told me that she found happiness when she stopped seeking men that challenged her.  That she finally just settled for someone who was simpler, and that gave her more peace.  I hated hearing that.  I was so enraged that a person could just stop living.  I promised myself that that path would never be for me.   I would never give up, and I would never just stop wanting to be challenged.  I find no solace in the knowledge that I might never get hurt again if I settle for the stable man next door so to speak.  Being hurt, and feeling true joy are major elements that made me who I am today.  I do not seek to be wounded, but I will not hide from the possibility.  This is my relationship mission statement.  This is one ingredient that makes what E and I have amazing.  And this is what makes being in an open relationship work for me.  I have complete autonomy over my own happiness, and can choose to challenge or be challenged by my partner and those around us.  I will not allow blasé feelings to ever override that roller coaster of emotions that I am capable of feeling.  This is making a conscious choice not to just settle, and spend my next 70 years in the vacuum of monogamy. 

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Stampede’s Over; I Can’t Wait to See What Sex Negativity the Media Has Planned for the Next Stampede

So, three years ago the media circus took a long hard look at how STI’s and STD’s rose dramatically during stampede week and cited numerous clinics and how overworked they became the week during and after Stampede.  And I understood the PSA they were performing.  Last year, the focus was shifted ever so slightly to the influx of cheating spouses during this 10 day event.  Including outing a few hotels in the downtown core, for providing locked boxes for guest to check in their wedding rings.  No explanation needed there, I hope.  Now this year, the headlines are focusing on the increasing Stampede divorce rate?  Come on…

I know the quest for the simplest and catchiest tagline is the only way to sell articles (See how I am fighting this by having the longest blog title to date?), but why all the sex negativity surrounding Stampede?  I mean this is no longer about helping the public.  This is a vigilant quest on the media’s part to ensure the public is aware that Stampede kills relationships and is bad for your sexual health.  Stampede encourages sexual infidelity and is a hazard to monogamy.  The million dollar rodeo that is put on every year in this great city of ours is secretly trying to time warp us back to the Colosseum of ancient Roman times, more specifically the party after the great fights.  We are soon going to have massive orgies in the street if we do not head their carefully targeted warnings.  Especially now that the city was kind enough to let us start drinking in bars at 7 am to better facilitate the liquid courage needed to get out there and screw around with every good looking cowboy and cowgirl.


Well, let me set the record straight here.  I have, had Stampede threesomes, done the walk of shame and flirted my little tushie off many a time.  I have also done all the above outside of Stampede.  The media chooses to focus on sex negativity each year because we make it an event.  We allow the media to sensationalize sex.  We allow the media to take the focus of off our rodeo and exhibition, and all the musical acts that join us from all over the world and shift to a tabloid sales pitch.  I should rephrase, we do not allow the
media, we encourage them.  We are becoming a society that lights up at a scintillating, or scandalous headline, and the Stampede has turned into a marketing ploy.  Whether the editors agree or disagree is beside the point, or even if they research and have factual information based on something more substantial than a survey of 10 random people, the result is the same, sex sells.  Stampede sex sells, and as I learned last week, Stampede sluts sell too!  So until next year Calgary, I know you will join me in welcoming the latest headline that appears with sex negativity in the forefront.  I am kind of hoping for some sort of spin on gay cowboys...or cowgirls.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Safe Sex, Before and After

Whenever you are sexually active there are risks, I go into a little more detail here.  One added element to being in an open relationship is that there are more parties involved when it comes to said risks which can be both a good thing and a bad thing.  A few months ago, E and I invited someone to share an evening with us.  The three of us had the safe sex talk, and all disclosed our STI and STD status’, along with the dates that we were last tested.  It is an easy talk to have, especially knowing that once the talk is over the fun can really begin.  Our evening ended up being quite an adventure, and we concluded the night on great terms.  The side lament to the night was that his partner was not ready herself to be involved in a more open lifestyle, but the door is always open to them.


Now fast forward to the new year and an email I received while out and about with E.  The gist of the email was that his wife was having some feminine issues, mixed with the help of the most trusted medical expert Google, could be connected to an STI.  My initial reaction was extreme annoyance that I was being asked if perhaps there was something that was not disclosed during our safe sex talk.  There are risks of course in being sexually active, and of course it is natural to assume that sometimes people lie.  And sometimes, people just flat out do not know that they have anything that could be shared between partners.  Again I was momentarily miffed. 

Once I talked the email over with E though, I came to realize that I was put off by his partner using the internet to self diagnose and not that he was confirming any changes to my sexual health.  In fact, I was reassured that we had met someone who was upfront and willing to ask the tough questions. He made the right call in emailing and I know that the email must have been incredibly difficult to write, especially with his partners health in question.  Safety in my books, should come before pleasure, and is incredibly difficult to rectify if it is only an after thought.  And as I found out, is a lot easier to deal with knowing that you did everything you could in the first place, conversation and prevention. 

I have learned a few surprising things during this experience, while also reinforcing what I already knew about E.  I am so grateful to have the partner that I do, one with whom I can openly discuss the tough stuff, and will remain objective even during the hard times.  And while E and I know we are both incredibly selfish and cautious with our bodies, a stranger does not.  Even with safe sex awareness and prevention there are always risks.  There is no such thing as 100 percent safe sex, and we are prepared to have the conversations when the need arises.  With that being said, the minor risks or occasional uncomfortable email would not ever be a reason to avoid a healthy sexual appetite.  

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Adding and Expanding Questioning Everything

When I started blogging, I did so for the sole reason of exploring open relationships, in particular my own.  I did not anticipate that I would ever grow such an amazing following or that people would be interested in what I had to say and I have grown to talk about many variations of relationships.  With that being said, I really want to go back and take a closer look at a few posts I have made in the past, to clarify, expand and also to add images wherever I feel is appropriate.  I want to ensure that the day I decide to stop blogging, I have a complete record of where I am, and how I view the world at this time in my life. 


So what will this mean to my dear readers?  I will of course post new content, but also, I will from time to time examine past posts and add some content.  If you so desire, please click on the link within my current post to go back and see what I am referencing or the additions I have made (visual only in most cases).  If you are an aspiring photographer, or just enjoy the hobby, please feel free to contact me as I would love to get some new ideas for pictures.  And for those individuals who mentioned that my blog has been a little too pg rated, I hope you enjoy the additions I will be making.

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Inspiration

I found inspiration in the most likely place, the biography of Jim Henson.  I have been a Muppet fan for most of my life, from the Muppet Show, to Fraggle Rock, and of course my favorite movie being Labyrinth.  I love that feeling of sheer joy every time I see a Muppet character on screen, and more than that, I love how I can re-watch a movie years later and find some new little detail or innovation.  I love that sense of childhood wonder, with an adult understanding of all the hard work and boundary pushing that went into each and every piece of work that Jim Henson created.  Now why would I decide to write about my love for Muppets on my relationship blog other than because it makes me happy?  Quite simply, I was inspired by how he viewed life and all the human beings around him.

I could spend post after post, complaining about how we no longer connect with our fellow man.  That as we become more globally connected we become more individually isolated.  It is a phenomenon that has been predicted in countless books, and philosophised by numerous people over the past decade and I for one see so many daily indications of it that it is hard to ignore.  And just when I was becoming a little jaded and irritated about the whole scene, I began reading this amazing book (thanks of course to E!).  I began reading the story of man who lived his entire life without ever losing his sense of wonder.  Who never stopped challenging himself and his team to push the boundaries of technology, and was a creative genius to the end.  All with the one simple idea that we must love each other and be good to our fellow man.  Not preachy, just hopeful.  The type of man who was quiet, yet self assured and when he walked into a room everyone wanted to be noticed by him. 


I was rejuvenated after reading about his life and all of the amazing things he accomplished for purely unselfish reasons.  He challenged himself because he loved to explore and expand his chosen field.  He wanted to try to push his medium because he believed in himself completely.  And isn’t that precisely what we should all be striving for?  In our work, in our alone time, and of course in the relationships that we have with those around us?  By believing in ourselves first and foremost, and pushing ourselves to accomplish what we believe in.   

I sit here writing, surrounded by a group of people physically pushing themselves to the extremes of human sport.  They were students, and now adventures, trying to find new ways to fly.  While I push myself to document every aspect that I can.  Learning the very difficult art of action filming to capture all their hard work and determination.  That leap from passive viewer, to active participant in a community that I didn’t  even know existed 5 years ago.  Passion for life, passion to be the best you can, to keep learning and never stop innovating and thinking.  Thank you Jim Henson, for living the best way you knew how.  I have cherished your creations, with wide eyed wonder, and fascination, and now by having a better understanding of your life, I am even more inspired to continue my path.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Life is About Choices

I have the choice on a weekly basis to post a little bit about myself or make a statement on how I view a situation that I have experienced.  Just as I have a choice, you too have a choice to read or comment on that.  Sometimes it hurts to know that the people who should be in your corner for better or for worse just do not have the capacity to do so.  If members of my family and friends are not comfortable with reading my blog I am absolutely OK with that.  I know there are things that I write with which a parent or long time friend just does not want to know about.  Again that is perfectly fine, what I have a problem with is the people who have decided to treat me different as a result.  It is one thing to have different views and opinions, it is quite another to allow those views sour a relationship.  If you do not have the strength to say that you do not like something about me and would rather let it fester until the relationship dissolves itself then that is all on you.  Also to try and attack me through my comments section of this blog adds very little to the conversation. 
 
I write to help myself and keep my thoughts and feelings clear.  I write in a blog because I am certain that there are people out there with whom share similar thoughts or feelings, or just have a morbid curiosity for the lifestyle that I am in.  And a few very gracious people have even remarked that they just read because they like how I write, which always makes me blush.  But honestly, to harbor feelings of anger, or angst towards me because of how I choose to live my life makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.   I do not force my sometimes graphic content down anyone’s throat, again I write for myself primarily. 

I wake up almost every morning thankful for the happiness that I have found and the meaningful relationships that I have developed.  But these relationships do take at least two people and if there are things about me that you do not like, decide if you can overlook, or let it go.   I have been closing the door to people who just do not make sense to keep in my life, and although it is a tough choice to make, I know that sometimes it is the only true way to obtain real happiness.  I live for myself, and not for the comfort of those around me.


I challenge myself on a daily basis to be fair, kind, and a better communicator, striving to be more clear and concise.  I set these challenges because I want the most out of life and the choices I make are my own.  I am so impressed and amazed with the people who constructively challenge my ideas, and share personal stories to show me a different side of things.  I write about subject matter that I have thought critically about and my hope is that it does the same for a few of you too.  Don’t allow my lifestyle to affect you in a negative way.  I am not a “crazy bitch”, rather I live honestly and seek to express myself and my sexuality in a positive way, with both words and pictures and damnit that is my choice!

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Update... At Long Last

I have been going through the motions these past through months of being overwhelmed to the point of tears, followed by this strange sense of satisfaction at just how lucky I am to have everything that I do in my life.  I began a new career earlier this year and the transition has definitely taken its toll on my emotional, and physical self.

I allowed myself 3 months to get saturated in the role that could very well dictate how I earn a living for the rest of my life, and well, writing this blog had to take a back seat for a little while.  In saying that, I could not have timed things better, and by that I mean, letting go of an emotional burden that had been with me for years.  Honestly, not having the burden of trying to please unappeasable parents was the saving grace that allowed me to focus on my wants and needs over this new year.  And to ensure that I was making a choice for my future, with my well being as my sole consideration. 

I have some pretty big goals for the future, and it seems that I always made choices around family. This time, I made a decision for me, that would make my future bright, which would result in better things for me and my partner down the road, rather than making the choice for him and I in the present that would make us more comfortable now.  I know that may not sound clear, because there are a lot of complicated emotions tied up in that one little statement.  I have always tried to make room for my family in my life choices, which has caused me to make shorter term choices with lots of flexibility so I could be there for those in my life that I love, whenever they needed me.  This was a tough decision, because I am now locked in.   I gave up any and all flexibility and now have a strong path, that I cannot turn away from or just give up if my partner gets an opportunity elsewhere.  It was the right move, plain and simple.  Just not one, that I would have had the confidence to have made 5 years ago.


So in summary, my three months of sink or swim at work are over, (I think I just may be a swimmer) and I will get back to posting regularly.  Thanks to all of you who checked in on me during the lull.  And thanks truly to all those who continued to look through some older posts even though there was no new content for a while.  I am back, energized, and have some great material in the works.  Oh, and in case any of you were wondering, I am now a machinist and run a few wire EDM  machines.  I get to actually write a program, imput it into a machine and physically create something when I am done!  It is tough work, but so far incredibly rewarding.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Ignoring the Girl in a Relationship

I have always been confused by the men who refuse to hang out with me or want to wait to get to know me until I am single.  I have difficulty comprehending the logic behind a man ignoring me while I am in a relationship and then pouncing when I am single.  What message are you portraying?  That a woman is only worth your time if she is single?  Are you surrounded by only friends of the same gender?  That sounds so boring, and offers you a very one sided perspective on the world.  Perhaps you have been friend zoned once or twice and believe the myth that you can never leave the friend zone once you enter.  The hint in that last sentence was the word myth…but I will save that for a different post.

If the message you would like me to extract from this type of behaviour, is that I am only fuckable, well then I am flattered.  And you will never get in my pants.  Being in an open relationship, you would deduce that this would be the perfect opportunity to try an only screw me, and yet dear guy, that is also not the case adding to my puzzlement.  This sort of mindset could be part of a bigger problem,and that I predict relates directly to a lower than average success rate in you getting laid in general.  It turns out that if a woman is seeking more than just a one time fling, sex is much more satisfying mentally and physically if there is a bit of history created.  We like to know a bit about the guy that is going to try and stick something in us.  Call us crazy if you will.  If you would like a stat to give you a better frame of reference, there are a bunch of guys whose sole goal in life was getting laid, and they said the magic number was 7.  Yes, 7 hours of time spent with a woman would result in giving a guy the best shot at getting in her pants.  Whether you agree with this or not, the point is, it takes more than a few exchanged pleasantries to establish yourself enough to become intimate.


And my final speculation on the matter, is that you are just plain insecure.  Whether the insecurities lead you to be jealous, depressed, self conscious or a whole heap of other emotional ailments, please keep your distance.  I do not accept that sort of drama in myself, so clearly, I would not entertain that from a partner. I work hard to self reflect on the cause and effect of every negative emotion I have, especially when it affects those around me, and I can only imagine a world where everyone did the same.  I am not your personal therapist, or self esteem coach.  Men often remark on how important self confidence is in a woman, so it should be no wonder that woman would feel that trait is important in her mate too.  I am not asking you to pretend to be interested in me, quite the contrary.  Figure out why a person is only worth getting to know if they are single, what in your mind changes about that person.  If they are not worth your time while they are partnered up, then I have troubles understanding why that changes when they are free.  Thoughts and perspectives are always appreciated.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Dating Profiles and My 200th Post

In a previous post I mentioned some things to avoid when it comes to online dating.  Now I want to share some useful information I have discovered when it comes to just getting started, and putting up your profile or preparing yourself to go out there and meet people.  The very important task of how do you sell yourself is something that successful people put thought into prior to dating.  It is important to ask how do you see yourself, what image are you portraying to those people around you, and the toughest one, do these two images actually represent who you want to be.

First impressions are important.  Yes, you can overcome a bad first impression, however it is easier to just put a great foot forward on the first try.  Who wants an even bigger challenge, when you can get it right the first time?  One of the first things I notice online, is if a guy or gal has negativity in their profile.  How fantastic is it when you meet someone for the first time and within seconds you get a sob story?  This person will become an object to avoid, for fear of being sucked down into that void of bleakness.  The same logic should apply when setting up your profile.  Do not have a list of things that you hate, and pet peeves, especially within the first few lines.  If you can take the time to spell out what you do not like, try putting the same effort into what you do like, or perhaps even love?
Also try to avoid statements that could spark a negative emotion.  For example saying that you hate online dating, could make the reader feel guilt for being online themselves looking for love.  Or by saying  this is the last time you are trying this because women/men are crazy.  Come on, this just leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth.  What are you going to talk about on your first date?  All the horror stories from online dating, finding out all the red flags of a person, only to realize that you found out nothing about a person’s passions, goals or aspirations in life.  You need to ignite a positive vibe, come up with something that an onlooker wants to find out more about.


These are not complex ideas, and yet more than half of the profiles I read if they get past the “will fill out later” have something bad to say in them.  And once you start getting a few people interested in you that you do not feel the same about, it is easy to start putting up walls to protect yourself.  I found my biggest surprise in E when I was online dating.  There are great and amazing people on there, you just have to ensure that you are one of them first and foremost.  

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Broken, But More than a Mere Statistic

One of the only topics that I have tiptoed around since this blogs conception are those of my family roots.  I have hinted, and written specific points but then tried to then add a layer of anonymity.  I have vented, and at other times just written plain statements of fact in such a boring and mundane way as to ensure no emotion could be misinterpreted.  I have been doing this for two main reasons; the first being, I did not want to hurt my family and then have to deal with the backlash of drama that would ensue.  And the second reason which I am battling with is that I did not want to come out and say I was from a broken home thereby re-enforcing any stereotypes that might exist for those of us in open relationships.  I have been up and down on this topic for quite some time, and it is part of the reason I have been unable to post with any regularity this year.  I almost had a mental block, as far as not being able to post the interesting topics I have cached away, and then it struck me that I actually had to deal with something that I feel is incredibly important to the conversation, no matter the consequences or conclusions that may be reached.  It is just never easy to admit that the people who are supposed to be your first real connections and set the relationship bar, were really quite poor at it.

I have been questioning relationship norms, for nearly 3 years and now that I have analyzed where I really came from, I can share.  It is not fair to pretend that my past does not affect my present, and will not affect my future.  I have dealt with some stressful times, and it has left a mark on me.  Although I have chosen not to allow my past to prevent me from achieving an amazing present and in turn a positive future, I needed to accept a few things that I was oblivious to.  A perfect example of this can be found here.

My biological parents divorced when I was around a year old.  I did not ever have regular visitation with my biological father.  Instead, I experienced an on and off again relationship with him that lasted until I was 22.  When we were together, the end result was emotional manipulation, and it always seemed that the attacks were aimed at my mom, using the only go between he had, and that was me.  Since my early 20’s I have had next to zero contact with him other than an e-mail every year or so at random times. 

His philosophy as I was growing up, was that he was in the way, and should go and follow his own dreams instead of being a dad to me.  This is the reality of his view point, and obviously took me years to accept.  His rejection of his fatherly obligation, is an action that played vicious mind games with me at various stages of my emotional development and self esteem.  The comfort of unconditional love from him is that I yearned for, for countless years.  Now I accept who he his, and have made peace that we will never have that relationship that I spent years wishing for.  My one comfort was that he never took the time to get to know me, so his rejection of me was based on an image and not who I am.  Perhaps that is sour grapes, or rationalization on my part, but it is what it is. 

My mom had me too young.  I write that still trying to soften the harshness of what I feel for a woman who must have tried her best.  I cannot seem to help trying to ease the hard dose of reality no matter how objective I try to be.  My childhood with her as a single mom, left a lot to be desired.  And it was a desire that wasn’t fully realized until I reached adulthood and my resentment for all that happened in the past snowballed.  I was on my own from the time I could stay safe without supervision.   I fended for myself when it came to homework, feeding myself breakfast and lunch, and keeping myself entertained.  I remember having to set my own alarm and make breakfast as early as 8, I had to fit in letting the dog out, figuring out if I had enough allowance for lunch and ensuring I could walk to school in time.  I left the house before my mom every morning, and was by myself after school until around 6:30 every night.  To say it was lonely would be an understatement.  A few nights a week we would have family game night, and that was where I built any and all relationships with my mom and whoever was in her life at the time.  On these nights I would pretend I had no homework so that I could hang out with my mom for a few extra minutes.  Some kids pretend they have no homework because they just do not want to do it, I meanwhile was desperate for attention from a woman I barely got to see. 

As I child I saw more fights, than I ever saw tenderness.  Not only between her and myself, but I watched the same with the men she dated, and with her friends and family.  People came in and out of our lives with so much regularity that I learnt not to ask about someone that I had not seen in a while.  When I got older and started to ask again about long lost people from my childhood, I was always rewarded with a story about how that person wronged my mom and thus she was in the right for cutting them out.   As I grew older, I opened my eyes to the reality of our life, and the issues between her and I got bad.  She was a single mom, who would boast that it was just her and me, and yet it felt as if I was raising myself, and had no parents to guide me.  We would fight and scream, she would kick and slap, and I would slam the door and vow that this would be the last time I would forgive her for her temper and immaturity.  Writing this, I am still irritated at how much guilt I have felt for thinking I had a bad childhood, when she has tried to tell me time and time again that I was just too sensitive and I should count myself lucky.  Honestly, if it were not for video games, I might well have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of imagination land that I may well have lost my grip on reality forever, and that is a tangent I will leave alone for now. 

My childhood was not healthy.  My primary relationship role models were non existent, and growing up as an only child without long term relationship norms, it is no wonder that I clung onto my first adult relationship for over 8 years.  There was zero stability in my early childhood.  Only one healthy relationship comes to mind in my extended family and that perfect image was shattered as soon as I was old enough to learn about the skeletons in their closet (in the interest of always being brutally honest even when not appropriate, of course). There was no stable father figure for me until I was 10, and even then, it took a long time for my step dad to become the incredible influence that he remains today. Having an open relationship without a stable image of one growing up, makes me wonder how in the world I could have initially thought this would be easy.  Instead I have had to learn the hard way, how to actually love, build stable healthy relationships with friends first, partner second and all the spice afterwards.  Without a model, this was a challenge. 

So maybe what I should be taking away from all this is that sometimes, things need to break before you try to fix them.  And then if you cannot fix them, as our astoundingly high divorce rate indicates, perhaps it is time to look to a new model.  A new way of looking at relationships in the long term, a way that allows us to no longer fight our instincts.  A relationship standard or outline, in which the male desire to be with multiple woman is accepted, and even embraced.  Where woman`s competitive desire to seek out the best possible mate after being allowed to choose without taboo and social stigma attached becomes the norm.  Men and woman are give up a lot to be monogamous.  The relationship norms I grew up with, were constantly being broken and re tried in the same manor expecting a different outcome.  It never came, and resulted in the relationship between parents and offspring being irreparably damaged.  Relationships should add to your life, not make is so difficult that you cannot properly take care of the needs of you family.


Coming from a broken home, in retrospect puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to having open relationships.  With no solid foundation to look towards as a model for how to treat a person in a long term, loving environment, it is easier to do things poorly.  My learning curve is drastically changed and I started this blog to really work towards finding the best possible way to explore my happiness.  With that being said, in terms of monogamy, if it isn’t broken why fix it?  To me the system appears broken, either as a result of my roots, or by all the staggering numbers of broken homes and divorces out there.  I share my story, because I accept where I came from.  I don’t want to be a broken home statistic, but if that’s what it boils down to, so be it.  I hope over the years, I have shared the human side of my relationships and the happiness I feel being open.  May that be worth more, may all the soul searching and introspective be more valuable than just being a child of divorce questioning relationship norms because I am angry at how I was raised.  I am not angry.  I cannot change the past, only the now.  

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Online Dating Catch Phrases

In online dating, there seem to be a few catch phrases that are going around on peoples profiles.  More and more I am seeing two specifically; down to earth, and drama free.  Now I know the good intent with which these requirements are put online, or at least I understood when I first started to see them around.  Now though, I am confident that all meaning behind them has become lost, or muddled which is the way popularized words and phrases go in the English language.  So let me sum up my experience with these terms in hope that by working together we can find more clarity in what we want.

Down to earth, I have seen this on both male and female profiles.  My original thought whenever I see this one, is lament, as I am a skydiver so I spend a good deal of time getting farther and farther away from the earth.  Yes, it is a silly response, but so is this ever popularized phrase.  Are you really meaning that you do not want to date an airhead?  If so, say you are attracted by intelligence, a level of education, or more specifically a discipline of study.  Do you really want someone with solid roots?  Then specify that you want someone who owns their own home, has a solid foundation or close knit family, perhaps even that they are active in the community.  Maybe you do not want to date a dreamer or someone whose head is too far in outer space.  Again, there is probably a clearer way of stating this. Try and state your actual turn ons, those aspects about a person that would help you click, and escalate attraction.  Or maybe you just want to stop dating pilots and flight attendants, and if that is the case, I am pretty sure you can figure out how to be more direct in stating that all on your own.

Next up, is the drama free.  I am at the point now where I cringe upon reading this one.  Who knowingly seeks drama and stress in their lives?  Do you really mean that you seek a person free of any and all commitments?  Children, school, being a caregiver, are a few examples of committed persons, and each is very easy to spell out with real clarity.  Or perhaps you want someone who doesn't have any baggage, i.e. a violent ex, or an impending prison sentence.  Sure, this seems pretty reasonable, however, the term drama free is just too all encompassing.  It is a scapegoat that allows you to back out of any situation that you don’t like. “ Oh, you had a boyfriend in the past who you have joint custody of a pet with?  Well, that is just too much drama, and I like to live my life stress free.  Nothing to stand in the way of my happiness or impede me from doing what I want, when I want.”  This drama free thing always screams to me that the person had a really bad experience with crazy, and is now gun shy.  If you are that afraid of drama, you are going to have a real tough time building a real relationship, because shit happens to the best of us.

In all seriousness though, when I ask a person straight up to clarify what they mean by these two phrases, the answers are always different.  And that is the problem, there is too much vagueness.  Either the person writing is not clear on what they want, or the person reading is unaware of what traits might set the person off running.  So if you are seriously trying to make a connection, or spark interest with a stranger, please try and be clear with what you want.  And know what you don’t want.  Try and take the guess work out of that initial introduction.  It will save a lot of time and wasted effort by both parties.  The goal should be to stand out, seem confident by knowing who you are and what you want.  Avoiding catch phrases altogether may give you an advantage.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Badge of Honor and Cone of Shame

Some learned behavioural traits you wear like a badge of honor, or in other words you carry daily and have a real sense of pride.  And at other times you feel you have been forced into wearing nothing but a cone of shame, those loathsome traits that are the Hyde to your Jekyll.  I’m discussing those traits and emotions that I was raised with and carried into adulthood.  It seems that in most situations science states that environment plays a larger role in how we develop and grow emotionally than just genetics alone.  Environment presets the filters that allow us to see the world and interact with it.  And these presets come from friends, the education system and of course family. 

I like to think in a perfect world, your family is responsible for encouraging you to show off the best traits you have.  By shaping you, with healthy and high reaching goals, in preparedness for venturing into the big world as a contributing member of society.  In my family, this was not quite the case.  In fact, looking back, stubbornness, and childish behaviour were encouraged.  It was the ironic badge of honor, that thing that confirmed we were from the same blood line.  These childish and immature emotions, passed on from one generation to the next were what bonded us together as one family unit and thus encouraged.  My parents mirrored that of their parents, and of course I am writing this because I see it in myself at times of emotional stress, or have had it pointed out to me in frustration.  I see in myself the ability to lose control of my emotions, to act out in a childish manor when I don’t get my way, or worse just being plain stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.  As I said, growing up, I had two generations who would see these traits in me, and smile, knowing that this was the way our family was.  Never putting their foot down and then tell me that this behaviour was wrong, and highly unproductive.

I commend my grandparents for figuring out later in life that this behaviour needed to stop, and to make effort to end this negative cycle. With that said it may very well be too late for their children to ever understand the affects of the negative emotions that they encouraged in their offspring.  And now here, entering my 30’s I am just starting to understand and ensure that this emotional devolution is stopped before a new generation begins.  I envision a time where children are praised and supported for being happy, inquisitive and explorative.  Rather than showering us with encouragement when we show signs of being stubborn, single minded and emotionally volatile. 


I am breaking the chain of silence and acknowledging that I know where I want to repair the damage, and continue building a better and more emotionally stable me.  I wrote this post without blame, as I am responsible for the emotions that I posses.  However knowing where they come from assists me in ensuring that negative feedback loop is not replicated.  Change and growth only occur when a person recognizes a problem and makes a conscious effort to stop the behaviour, and once stopped, learns to build new habits.  Followed then by the task of replacing the changed behaviour with new and positive emotions.  I have outgrown my cone of shame, and am replacing that with my head held up high, in full control of my emotions whether I was raised that way or not.  Let the amazing relationships build up from here.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Relationship and Self Help Books

Save your relationships with these easy steps, divorce with dignity, should you stay or should you go, these are a few of the more common book themes aimed at assisting with relationships and sex problems facing our society today.  Make no mistake, it is a million dollar industry, and one that each and every one of us have subscribed to at some point in our dating life.  At what point though, do we stop and think about what we are subscribing to?  That perhaps there is a bigger issue at hand, one that a relationship rescue mission will not be able to save.  Why are we working against our human nature by looking for these quick fixes, and these bandaid type solutions?  Are any of us actually seeking the reason for our relationship issues?

In the same breath, why are we losing the ability to communicate with our fellow man at such an alarming rate?  Why have we become such pussies, afraid to say what we mean, and mean what we say.  Sarcasm is often an excuse to soften a real opinion.  Or the worse scenario, where we don't talk and instead just ignore a person completely to avoid any unwanted conflict.  A friend of mine has just gone through a situation whereby the guy stopped talking to her out of the blue.  There was no breakup text, no phone call, no email, just one day radio silence.  We both figured this was an isolated incident and chalked it up to the guy just being emotionally immature.  That was until it happened again with a new guy a few months later, things going great and then just like that, nothing.  And I have heard complaints of the same variety from guys in regards to women they are pursuing.  The lady seems happy, then just one day, stops returning texts or phone calls.  A very clear pattern is starting to form.  A pattern of emotionally fearful humans. 

Maybe it is because the current generation has never been on the receiving end of a slammed phone.  Has never experienced that shock at holding a dead phone in your hand, after that unmistakable angry click.  This new generation has never felt that sinking feeling in your tummy, then learned how to react without vengeance, followed by the realization that your world did not just end.  Or that sensation of having a door slammed in your face when you were a jerk to someone else, a well deserved punishment, we are too afraid to do to another human, lest they get offended.  We have lost that ability to interact face to face.  Instead we opt to text the person our feelings, even in the same room to lessen the emotional burden.  To ease embarrassment, and try and take the squeamish feeling away.  It is a scary thought, the notion that we are afraid of our own emotions and terrified of reactions from those around us.  We misinterpret emotions in text messages a hundred times a day.  Then we follow this up with a failure to respond ever again, no closure, just taking the easy way out. We end the artificial texting relationship without so much as a frowny face. 


So keep buying those relationship self help books.  They are written for a very good reason, we as a society need assistance in dealing with the world around us.  But please first, put down the phone, stop typing that well thought out e-mail, and stop tweeting that so and so is the biggest douche on the planet.  Have some real face time, learn again to read body language, watch facial cues, or maybe just hug it out.  Once you have mastered this basic element of human interaction, you might be better equipped to move on to a relationship with more that one human being at a time... just maybe.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

My 2013 Review

Some very important changes have come about in the 2013 year. In my personal life, with my blog, and some extra curricular too.  Resolutions are hard to keep going for an entire 365 with the same gumption that began them on January first, and in my case the reason is that I tend to forget I even made them in the first place.  Hence why I would much rather take a critical look at the past year then try to put the same drive into the upcoming year, and in a few areas, quite a bit more.  

If you have been a reader for more than a few months, you will have noticed the addition of photo’s onto my blog.  This was one of the more challenging decisions that I made in 2013.  Coming to terms with my openness not just by writing, but with action as well, and now the added visual aspect took a little while to wrap my head around.  It was a change that I was toying with for over a year, and finally brave enough to press the add picture button towards later part of the year.  I look forward to seeing where my photographers want to take the pictures as it is a whole new place of artistic expression which I feel adds depth to my work, and seems to have added a few readers as well.  On a side note, if you enjoy photography, have any new ideas, perhaps just a brand new camera to break in, and would like to contribute in that end I would love to hear from you.

The coolest challenge that I worked on was in regards to my non writing hobbies, which mainly includes skydiving.  On thanksgiving I achieved my AFF in Canada, and obtained the same status in the US a few months later.  Being able to solo jump is one of the more challenging tasks I have undertaken.  It is physically exhausting at times, weather frustrating and of course expensive.  With that said, I have always loved plane rides combined with the feeling of leaving a plane for those few seconds of freefall is an experience that I will not even attempt to describe, simply it is amazing.  Sweat, a little blood and many tears have gone into this sport thus far, and I look forward to enjoying the laughter and thrills for years to come now that I have overcome the pass or fail stage. 

Now for the personal side of things, which I know is why you all keep coming back.  Moving in with E was a roller coaster of emotions.  From long distance, to full time, to long distance and back again, we went from intermediate communicators to near experts.  The foundation that we built over the past few years was critical in helping us survive the challenges that our relationship has faced over the last 6 months especially.  Learning to let go of that fear of rejection and just love with my whole heart is my most treasured accomplishments thus far.  I could never have achieved this without a partner who allows me to fail, and supports me when I pick myself back up.  I am so grateful for the partner I have found, through the ups and downs.  er
  

And finally, a complete understanding of the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’, in that, the original quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.  I have been working towards building strong relationships with the friends around me, and letting go of all the commitments I felt obligated towards ie blood family members who do not show respect for me or my loved ones.  I redefined the meaning of the word family, found real peace of mind letting go of some blood ties that I allowed for far too long to affect me.  Blood kinship in my opinion should never be an obligation, it should be a privilege, or at the very least a mutually beneficial relationship.  There are still a few places I may trip up, but for the most part, I have let go of the emotional burden a few select members of my family have placed on my life.  

2013 was filled with soul searching, finding a real sense of peace, and accepting who I am.  Finding my own confidence to take risks and not rely on the superficial or superimposed bonds that I had for so long, and that weighed a little too heavily in on my mind.  2014 will result in some fairly large goals being achieved if I am able to keep the same momentum, and  that will result in a very natural and pleasant progression from 2013.  I am energized and excited to share my continued journey with you all.