Tuesday, 29 October 2013

The Halloween Siren

I love dressing up!  I also love meeting new people and socializing.  Halloween house parties are the perfect place to do this, and I am lucky to say for the past two years I have gone to the same house party in which I only know the people I arrive with.  This may be intimidating to some, however for me it has become quite exciting and interesting.  I show up, with bare ass (part of my costume of course!) to dance, drink, and mingle with a group of people I have no clue what they look like without makeup.  This year, there was an added element in that E was not able to attend due to work.  So, here I am, a completely unknown lady in a devil suit with an open butt flap, partying with strangers. 

5 years ago, had I been in the situation I would not have left the wall.  I would have held my drink firmly in my hand, waiting for people to approach me, well, until the level of booze rid me of my inhibitions.  I would have been nervous and intimidated that all these people knew each other around me, and were judging this person who showed up to invade their little clique.  And please do not get me wrong, I do know that these people do still exist, in fact I had one lady at the party imply just that to me.  And the thing is, it really did not matter to me.  I was not crushed, or insecure when I was told that me showing up alone with a bare ass two years in a row may be a sign that I have some sort of psychological issue that needs to be resolved or at least dealt with.  It actually barely phased me, aside from me having a good laugh and continuing to have a fantastic time at the party.  The thing I feared so much for so long, was really no big deal when it finally happened.

I should clarify that I was never the wallflower for long.  Once I got my stride or booze, was comfortable in my surroundings then I was ready to socialize.  And this party was no different.  It takes a moment or two to acquaint yourself with a new place, get a vibe and figure out what part of the room to begin with.  Also to make the big decision of whether undoing the buttons on your buttflap is actually party appropriate and if in the end it really matters.  Obviously the buttons were undone right after I poured my first drink.  And I must say, although I truly missed having E at the party along side me, I was perfectly comfortable and confident to walk around complete strangers, making conversation and dancing with my butt hanging out.  Hmm, maybe I am really focused on my tushie and should look into the reason why?  I jest of course.

What I found surprising was that I, being the stranger, had confidence, whereas this group of people who presumably knew each other, displayed moments of insecurity and outright jealousy over a few of my actions or just my presence there.  Last year with E by my side, I was slapped on the ass, congratulated for showing it off, and told if you’ve got it flaunt it.  All by confident and happy women. 

This year, there was a bit of that, however it was over shadowed by distrust obviously fuelled by me being alone.  I counted 6 separate times that people came up to me, to ensure that I knew and was not embarrassed that my ass was hanging out.  Various reactions occurred when I replied that of course I knew and that was what a butt flap was for.  I even went so far as to tell one lady that I was taking pictures for my boyfriend, yeah it did nothing to improve her mood.  Most surprising though, was the women who interrupted when I was talking to their significant others and then would take them away.  I felt like the siren at the party.  Being typecast as that chick every woman must keep their eye on and protect their men because of my devilish ways.  Honestly, I have not felt that feeling in such a long time, I had forgotten the steps I usually try and take to prevent any distrust and put people at ease.  Which oddly turned out to be a good thing.  It is not my job to protect the feelings of every person in the room.  And that it is ok to polarize people at a party by being myself.  I have grown from the desire to win over a room, to just being myself, even if I was being a little bit of a siren, or just being a devil.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Comfortable Naked

When I was a toddler, my mom took me to do a photo shoot.  The photographer asked what my favorite thing to do was and my mom told him it was to undress.  To this day my mom has the framed progression of me taking off my dress, stripping into my slip, and then posing with a mirror in my socks and underwear.  This framed artwork was never hidden, and I am sure nearly every friend I invited over to my place has heard me tell the same story.  My very first photo shoot was of me stripping, so it should come as no surprise that every photo shoot I have done since is of the more risqué nature.  Taking off my clothes in front of a camera is a natural thing to do.  There is no shame, even though I will often tell people it is for artistic purposes only, or to look back upon when I am 80.  Maintaining a comfort with being naked has not always been easy though.

I was a late bloomer, flat, thin, and nothing special until I turned 17.  By special, I mean almost boyish, with no curves to speak of.  And yet, I was OK with my body being plain.  I did not know any different, and I was never shy in a bathing suit.  I preferred not getting naked in change rooms as I was often grossed out by the more European variety of woman that flaunted what they should not have been flaunting.  I practiced modesty where ever possible.  Not for my own body, more to ensure no one else was uncomfortable.  A strange mentality I know, but if you are a regular reader you should not be shocked.

As an adult I have heard my fair share of crazy attitudes when it comes to me being naked.  For example, I had an ex tell me that he did not want me to walk around the house naked as he feared nudity would be commonplace and he would no longer be turned on when I took off my clothes.  Sanctifying nudity for sex only?  Well, what can I say, he is an ex for many reasons.  Another more recent one, is that my ass has more corners than curves.  Apparently my butt is quite muscular and firm, and has a difficult time forming into a round or circular booty.  I have even been told to eat more so I would grow more curves in the hip and thigh area, and therefore have a hot booty that would jiggle more.  

From all this, I understand my body is not perfect.  My body is not the ideal image that will turn on every man or woman for that matter.  With that said, I like being naked, and I am comfortable in my own skin.  I think becoming comfortable with nudity, in both sexual and non sexual mediums is important.  Historically there has been so much focus on criminalizing the naked form, and making it taboo.  Moving forward, this blog will be doing its part to try and stand against this.  If you are a photographer and feel your work can contribute to sex positivity and this blog, I would love to hear from you.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Thankful for Friends Who Have Become My Family

The song “When a Man Loves a Woman” is one I am sure most of you out there have heard. There is line that goes, he would “Turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down.”  This line is very powerful in its implications, to love someone so much that you would lose your best friend if they said an unkind word about him/her.  As a child, I wanted to love someone that badly.  I wanted to feel that burning power of love, that passion for one person whom I would give up all my friends for if they were too blind to see the amazing thing we had.  Is this not what love is?  Something you would risk everything for?  Everything except your family that is.

Yes, sadly there is a but in this sentiment.  You can give up friendship for a love, but you are not allowed to give up your family.  Your family can make you choose, say the most unkind things imaginable, rationalized because they know what is best for you.  They love you unconditionally, so you must put up with all their crap and never waiver.  Your love can move any mountain, unless your family does not agree with your choice.  Because we all know love is a choice, and we choose to fall in love with the knight in shining armor, or the sleeping beauty high atop the highest tower. 

I grew up in an environment where your family judging you was acceptable because they loved you.  They wanted you to achieve great and wonderful things in life, love and everything in between.  The stakes are high, and the person that makes you happy is not the same as the person who will be loved by your extended family.  Perhaps every family is like that, where there is constant criticism disguised as “what’s best for you” and “just looking out for your best interests”.  That inability to just be happy for a family member, because that individual is truly happy is something often forgotten in my family.  Following your heart is the most wonderful feeling in the world, unless of course your family disapproves. 

I watch, mystified, and shocked that significant others in my life, and those of my family are told they have to prove themselves to have a seat at the dinner table.  To be welcomed inside the homes of those I grew up with these people that bring joy to our lives are given hurdles that they must jump.  No mistakes are allowed, the courtship must be flawless, date, love, never get angry and then get married.  And of course start popping out babies, for that is the true testament in my clan.  Babies born inside of wedlock can erase every single sin that you have ever committed.  All is forgiven, but not always forgotten.

I write this post because love is not always easy.  I write it because I see pain around me, in the harsh and hypocritical judgements.  Those who should read this and open their eyes never will.  I have made peace with that, and yet I still write it with that infallible hope that I cling to.  Love conquers all, or at least it should.  I lament the pain that I watched this thanksgiving, and I am shocked by the numbness I felt in the continued exclusion I have come to accept.  When love doesn’t conquer the cruel judgemental nature of your own family, I turn to my friends who are more family then I ever could have dreamed, and of course wine.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Being in a Good Place to Date is Easy in Comparison…

To Being in a Good Place While in a Relationship.  It seems that everyone is looking for dating advice these days.  How do you talk to a person you are interested in?  Where do you go and meet new people?  How do you flirt? How do you get someone you like to like you back?  I have given flirting advice, and dating advice off and on in my blog career, A Good Dating State of Mind , Don’t Forget to Have Fun , and Flirting.  The main thing I want to focus on for this post is the basics, loving yourself first.

In order to be a in a relationship, you absolutely need to be in a good place yourself.  I give this advice in person and online, however I am not sure that it really sinks in.  So I will use myself as an example.  I am currently not in a great emotional state.  I am not feeling confident, or self sufficient right now as I am at a crossroads with where I am in my life and what direction I want my career to take me.  In a perfect world, I would love my writing to become fruitful, as we can conclude it has not happened yet.  So, my point with this, I am not a very great girlfriend right now.  I am having troubles keeping my focus on what needs to be accomplished in my life and not get swept up in all the daunting things around me that I cannot possibly do well if not given 100 %.  I have allowed myself to become a little introverted and insecure about my future.  The result is, I am not being a very loving and giving partner, so my dating life is struggling. To put another way, I am just not loving myself right now.

This is the same thing that marriages go through, committed monogamous relationships, and non monogamous situations.  If one partner is not happy, the other feels the stress and strain.  I am one stubborn girl, or as my mother calls me, fiercely independent.  The down side is when things are not going to plan I slowly slip away from any drive, and motivation.  I can see the strain this causes all around me, with my friendships, relationships, and with me feeling any inclination to affiliate with new people.  I am absolutely not in a position to date right now.  But what is a girl to do?  Take a break from all relationships, regain control of myself and then start again?  That would certainly be the easier road.  So obviously I am not going to try that.  Instead, I am going to try the very difficult path of finding my drive, while continuing to love and be loved.  To try and share when I feel hopeless and lost with my partner, and ask for the support I need.  Honestly just writing this has taken so much out of me.  I am not nearly as optimistic as I would like.  I feel uncertain, and burdened by all the hurdles I see around me.  Having an amazing and loving person in my life helps but I feel a guilt having him share the down times as I am not certain how long they will last.

So in my humble opinion, you have to be in a good frame of mind to date.  When you are in a relationship, it is a real commitment to find the time to help yourself, while at the same time loving someone else.  Finding yourself, defining your goals, and setting focused tasks is not easy when in a relationship, at least it is not for me.  If I was single, my advice would be to take a step back, focus on myself and let any relationship come to me when I was more open.  It feels strange to take the same approach when involved with someone, almost too selfish if that makes any sense.  And yet, not doing this, not finding my drive would surely sour a strong and loving commitment.  I love someone amazing, and I will be damned if he does not get to love someone amazing back for my own accomplishments, even if this means showing him I feel a little lost right now.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Birthday Fantasies Stopped in the Making

With my 30th birthday being an inevitable reality, I have been looking into a little spice shall we say.  Just putting out some sexy feelers and perhaps starting my 30’s with a very fun night or two.  So far it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped, and with that said, I am running into some surprising roadblocks.  As I wrote in my last piece, I am always surprised that people encourage others to sleep with strangers.  I may be a little old fashioned in my thinking, but I prefer to get down and dirty with people I actually know, so there is accountability for safety, and feelings should they arise.  Now I am not saying that I sleep with all or even any of my friends, but a little conversation prior to is a must for me. 

Now here is the situation that had me almost rolling my eyes.  A guy that I have chit chatted with for a couple of months has a fantasy.  A fantasy very similar to the one linked here.  Now this is something that although I find pretty hot under the correct circumstances is not exactly what I had in mind for my 30th.  So I put out the feelers to see if the chick he is seeing would be interested in a foursome.  The reply was that he liked her, and that he would not be willing to share someone he liked, and if I wanted he could try and find someone else.  I have heard similar things said many times on the great big interweb, but never once have I actually encountered this in real life.  I suppose that I convinced myself that there is no sex negativity in the people I choose to associate with.  Or maybe that they would not be silly enough to admit these thoughts to me, knowing full well that I write this stuff down and share it!

The bottom line for me is that people who sleep together are not objects devoid of thoughts and feelings.  To exclude a person because you care about them just fundamentally seems wrong to me.  That is the very person that you should talk to about fantasies, about doing fun things together.  If they are not into it, that is perfectly fine, but they should not be excluded.  Does it not make more sense that your sex life be as exciting as possible with those you love and care about rather than reserved for strangers?  Why should we give up certain fun times just to be in a committed relationship?  I would much rather strive to have all good things, and not compromise, or allow myself to be compromised.