Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Bad Book! Bad!

I have recently and very begrudgingly finished “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” for a variety of reasons, but the main one is mere curiosity.  This is a book that basically changed how my mom’s generation speaks about men and women in relationships.  Whether they hated or loved the book, growing up I heard reference to men and women being from different planets often enough to finally want to read the book for myself.  I will not pretend that I enjoyed the book, suffice to say that there is so much convulsion of ideas that no matter what your viewpoint on a subject the circular speech finds an eerie way of relating to every single person and situation imaginable.  And when it does not, well “either ignore it (moving onto something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself” (John Gray’s words and not mine). 

Thankfully I am finished as I said and I would like to summarize why I feel the book gained so much popularity.  Quite simply, displacement (thanks Addams Family for always making me say that word with an accent).  The entire premise of the book is based on the idea of blame, or shifting your perceptions.  Rather than getting to know the opposite sex, or learning to love them for who they are, the book teaches you that they are who they are because of their alien heritage.  If you are having a fight, it is because you speak a different language, and thus it is necessary to accept the differences and learn how to manipulate the situation to your favor.  There is also a little gem in there that 10 percent of a fight is based on the present, and 90 percent of any fight is due to your parents or something dark in your past.  We don’t fight because we are actually annoyed, we fight because of past events and once we look past or write a loving letter then everything will be roses.

But here’s the thing, love or hate the book, as much as I do, there are points of real interest.  For example, the idea that once you can learn to accept that you partner needs his/her alone time, you can stop taking it as a personal slight or lack of love.  Also that by learning to communicate with direct language versus trying to sugar coat our feelings, pretending to be happy or not bothered we can build stronger bonds.  These are fundamental keys to living with a partner, communicating effectively and growing as a couple regardless of sex.  Shame it two nearly half the book to make clear those two thoughts, but it was really easy read so the pain did not last long.  I am curious though, if anyone has read it, and found it to be helpful in their lives.  I truly want to hear from you!  This book after all changed a generation, and perhaps it was the building block that allows my generation to further explore our relationships… maybe.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Another Year of Blogging in the Books

My blog began over 2 years ago with My Blogging Reason, and thankfully readership is constantly increasing a I share my quest in Questioning Everything.  Relationships fascinate me, and as I watch human interaction shift from face to face, into the world of technology via text, social media, and the constant need to globalize communication, I am motivated to continue writing.  I live an open lifestyle, and my blog takes you along on my journey of human interaction, books, and social media.  I often look to history, archaeological and anthropological records to question why we are evolving away from human to human contact and what that may mean in the future.  I dichotomize that with my personal goal of meeting more people, loving more and bringing positivity wherever possible.

I understand and appreciate that many out there do not agree with my personal life choice.  Atheist, libertarian, non-monogamist, and general outside of the box thinker, I recognize there is a lot to disagree with.  I am open to criticism, challenging of ideas and of course just general discussions and variations to my opinions and viewpoints. In saying this, I am always amazed to hear that people who absolutely disagree with my beliefs continue to read and support me, and I thank and love you all for continuing to read and share my journey.

I do not know what year three will bring, or what new information I will dig up and discover about myself and the world around me.  I do know I would not be able to write without the constant support and feedback that I get, or the random words of encouragement to continue finding myself, and exploring relationship norms.  Life moves pretty quickly, so much so, I am nearly a month late in acknowledging my own 2 year blog-a-versary!

Thank you all for sticking with me this far!


Monday, 12 August 2013

Oversimplification the Norm? Relationships are Not Black or White

I have pondering how best to make my views clear about how dating and relationships are changing in our society.  Although I have not come to any solid conclusion as to whether this is going to ultimately be a positive or a negative there are a few aspects that are definitely making me wonder just how out of touch we are with our fellow man.  I have long since known about such groups that glorify pick up artists or vilify depending on what side of the coin you are on.  I have some opinions that are based on personal experiences, and they have expanded my viewpoints from my previous stance that all PUA are slimy and could never get in my pants.  I constantly am evolving my views based on new information and education, but I fear I may be in the minority.  Specifically I fear that groups the utilize seduction are becoming dangerously polarized and are missing the point of why these techniques work and more importantly overlook the centuries of research and hard work.

Yesterday I read about a society called the red pill.  I do not want to over simplify them as that would result in contributing to more polarized views and that is not my intent.  However for purposes of this blog and sharing new information about relationships I will do a quick summary.  The Red Pill ‘society’ has evolved as men’s rebuttal to feminism.  As women are becoming accepted as equal, having more places in society where their voices can be heard, there exists a group of men who fear that they are losing some ground.  They are trying to use the art of seduction, the game, and pick up techniques to bring about a new and defined purpose for themselves.  Unfortunately the majority of criticism stems from how woman are viewed in this new level of consciousness.  If men are fighting feminism, then woman stand to be objectified, and purposed for sex and reproduction alone.  I should mention that inherent in the red pill is the dichotomy of the blue pill group which arguably have features and the mentality opposite to the red ‘pillars’. 

Why does it constantly seem that society is so hell bent on putting our world and relationships into categories.  You are a feminist or a red pill follower.  This branched into you think like a red pill or a blue pill person.  Little boxes, and categories that do nothing to bring us closer together.  The aim seems to be separation, dichotomies, and a place where you belong.  With all our education, viewpoints and surplus of ideas available should we not be fighting these norms?  Should we not be attempting to expand and utilize all the materials we have available and think in more 3 dimensional states rather than this mere 2D? 

I have read quite a few books on seduction, sex, relationships, and self help books.  I do this with intention of bettering myself, and strengthening the relationships I have with those around me.  I forget sometimes that these resources can be used to control, or to create unnecessary competition between our peers.  Alpha beta battles among men, feminism or red pill between the sexes, all frame works created within the last few decades polarizing how we treat each other.  Should we not be able to see beyond the black and white?  To exist in a world of colour, where by we cease oversimplifying everything we see.  Where we accept that there can be multiple opinions and states of being that expand our horizons and challenge us to be individuals?  Whole humans, not categorized, not dichotomized, not put into labels and dismissed?  

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Blissful Oblivion and Being Myself

In my previous post I touched on the idea of not acting a different way depending on your relationship status, and instead to try altering the focus to being true to yourself, and going one step further, to be true to yourself in every situation.  This is not always easy, or even possible, as I have often found in the workplace especially.   My language and interests, including my blog and book research are not workplace appropriate conversations.  For the most part though I am focussing on developing myself as a whole person who can look back and feel that no compromises need to be made, no matter the role I need to play. 

I had an interesting discussion to this end with my partner.  Often I have found myself watching everything that goes on around me.  I miss very little as far as body language and social interaction goes.  This is a skill I have refined and tweaked over the years to be as precise and accurate as the situation calls for.  I had completely missed out on the art of being oblivious.  I thought this concept was odd at first hearing as well.  The art of being oblivious or purposefully ignoring things that just may not matter seemed bizarre.  What could possibly be gained from having a white noise filter when at a social event?  Just thinking of all the conversations and interactions that could be missed gives me a little social anxiety.  But is there a peaceful centre to be gained from this? 

Let us say that you have a friend who always says the wrong thing, is socially awkward or is just perpetually nervous giving the vibe of a social nincompoop.  Do you A) follow them around nervous and on edge preparing for damage control.  B) Stop hanging out with them because the stress it puts on you could potentially ruin your time as well.  Or C) just put a filter on in your mind and become oblivious to all the things that do not affect you.  I without thinking have always picked A, but what if the best answer was C?  In the quest to find ways to increase my personal happiness, one of the components is to not allow other people to add stress in my life.  Learning to live for myself and be responsible for my own thoughts and feelings is so important.  And looking at the little multiple choice questionnaire, it is obvious that the first two answers involve giving my emotions over to someone else.  I have been putting myself in position geared to react, versus having the control over my own autonomy.

Now although the example here is to do with friendship, I can apply this to so many facets of my relationships.  Having dated someone in my past who loved to get drunk, I rarely took control of my own emotions.  I allowed myself to follow the rollercoaster of his drunken adventures, which would often result in negative feelings at the end of the night or the next morning.  It was incredibly stressful.  By opening myself up to his destructive behaviour, I saw his actions as a reflection of myself.  I felt we were a team and his actions reflected poorly, especially when he drank, on me.  I shifted the power, so to speak on him, instead of understanding that I could only be responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and actions.  Had I known about having an oblivious feature, living life for me alone, I believe two things would have happened although I am not confident on in what order.  I would have been a lot happier, as my stress would have significantly decreased.  I would not have felt this intrinsic bond which resulted in negative thoughts every time he would go out drinking, preparing myself for the worst.  Also, having separation between his actions and my feelings would have potentially allowed me to see a little clearer into what I really wanted in a partner.  I would have allowed myself to view my thoughts and feelings on my own merit, rather than an extension of his.  I may have made adjustments sooner in our relationship and who knows what that result would have been. 

I have sought out real and true connections in earnest, with the ultimate goal being joined at the hip with someone else.  With the new thought that I can turn blinders on when interacting with certain people or situations, I potentially could allow myself more self control, and ultimately be solely responsible for my own actions instead of reacting to the actions of those I love.  Happiness can truly be in my hands with a little blissful oblivion.