Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Fantasies and Long Distance

Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship.   I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post.  But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well.  The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations.  And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do.  I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on.  Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy. 

Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on.  I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfillment with only a visual and the written word.  I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature.  I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory.  To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses.  But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work.  Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.

In a way I was right.  I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm.  It was very challenging at first.  And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before.  And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored.  I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before.  But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not.  They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex.  When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.

Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift.  One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring.  I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.  

Thursday, 13 June 2013

We Cannot Go Back

I have been in situations recently both orchestrated and unintentional that have resulted in the reuniting of exes.  My group of family friends seems littered with exes and new ones sadly seem to appear too frequently.  I like to imagine that with all my knowledge of divorce and breakups, that I can go from group to group seamlessly, or at the very least positive and emotion free.  This is one of those circumstances that I force in myself in hopes that one day it will be true.  The truth is, I sometimes wish people could go back in time, find that moment of pure happiness and just start over with each other.  It is a fantasy wish that I think any child of divorce understands on some, and unfortunately intangible level.

As an outsider to many relationships, I have been witness to that image of perfection or better yet, real happiness.  I can nostalgically look back upon the good times and with fond memories in mind wish to go back.  I rationally know that breakups are for a reason, but until this week, I am not sure that I truly understood.  I thought I had made peace with my mom and step dad divorcing, but until I saw them in the same room together, I personally did not have closure.  I had that nostalgic memory of better times, and that innocent hope that time permitting wounds would heal and things could move forward.  Not necessarily in a way that would have the two of them back together, more in a way that they could attend social functions together comfortably.  Although this is not for me to decide, I saw something in the two of them that was just peaceful.  Knowledge that the other person was well, was in fact enough, and that things are as they should be.  And more importantly, having them in the same room together is just not something that should occur with any regular frequency.  They are not friends, they simply have memories together, that are personal.

And as for my own experience that allowed me to fully appreciate the same, I have my ex to thank.  I had that fearful adrenaline induced nervousness of running into him at a bar a while ago.  Once that band aid was ripped off in a booze filled setting, I was curious about what would happen if we were sober in the same room.  I often have heard of exes being friends in the future.  I cannot say for certain what I thought would happen over a very casual coffee setting, with some specific questions for a book I am writing.  But I did not anticipate the entire absence of emotion, neither positive nor negative.  We are simply two people that shared memories, and were each other’s first love.  Simple, not poetic, just reality.

I also learned that we are in fact exes for very precise and specific reasons.  And those reason are mine.  I made a choice to live my life with happiness, adventure, and with confidence in all my actions, clearly I do not like my judgement being questioned at every turn.  I could never do that with him in my life.  Our ultimate core values and how we view the world are just different.  And what’s more, that is absolutely ok.  I often imagined that we could be friends in the future, and laugh about our time together with fondness.  I can now fully appreciate that is just not the case.  It was full closure, just as it was for me seeing my parents hug each other, with kindness and respect for the memories.  But with knowledge that they were memories, and would remain that way, we just cannot ever go back.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Misconceptions About Long Distance

My standard advice to friends of mine who have to make the decision to embark on a long distance relationship is not to, whenever possible.  I cynically have never really believed that they could work.  Up until fairly recently that is. I am a big fan of the quote “my opinions change with new information” and in this case it is true.   I feared the lonely, and unhappy feeling of being away from my partner for such a long time, that I failed to consider any wonderful things that could result.  I was focused on the physical aspect, the loss of intimacy, and the lack of a real connection with my partner.  I had anxiety the weeks leading up to his departure, and I cried, a lot, at the mere mention of him leaving.  I convinced myself that missing him would be one of the worst feelings, and that it would be likened to having a mini breakup. 

I am so happy that the reality is far from that expectation.  I was surprised to discover, that when you are apart from your lover, as soon as you get the chance to talk it is anything but superficial.  There is sincere effort made to truly communicate, to share your day, and to listen to the others words.  The communication goes from passive to active.  Because of the lack of physical contact, there is real effort in explanation and discussion as to what is going on in the others life.  If let’s say for example I am having a bad day, he cannot just hug me and hold me.  Instead he has to be a much more active player in helping me work through it.  On the other hand, if he has achieved a goal of his, I cannot just take him out for celebratory beers.  Instead I have to really think, and come up with creative ways to celebrate, for example, taking sexy pictures.

I had anxiety about feeling separation, and when I got my first message that his plane had landed those feelings just melted away.  I mentioned that I felt lazy in monogamy in a previous post, and that I have really worked on becoming more assertive and direct in what I want and need.  There is nothing like being in different countries to really put that work to the test.  It is amazing to discover that all the hard work, and the foundation building really was worthwhile.  That in fact we have a solid foundation and are able to help each other through loss, injury and more importantly celebrate each others accomplishments in a way that is meaningful to both of us.

I feared long distances separating us, and I feared that because I did not understand.  I did not appreciate that there is value in being apart, that you learn to crave the other person.  That you rekindle the desire and the void gets filled with this intense excitement for when you get to see each other again.  I fully understand now “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.  It is simple, in hindsight of course, that you can easily take advantage of something that is always there.  That stable force that is unchanging and constantly available loses its challenge, and appeal after time.  I guess the next step is to find an artificial way to achieve this feeling without having to be separated by a border for an extended period of time.  And I think I know just how to do it…

Monday, 3 June 2013

Why Do Men Cheat? Our Evolution Ignored

The media and our social networking sites do a fantastic and thorough job of demonizing men.  Daily there are sites aimed at finding out if your man cheated, and 7 signs that he is going to cheat and other such fear driven articles.  What you do not find is the sites geared at women cheating or for that matter, just a partner.  We are presented a polarizing view from our society geared towards our most intimate relationships.  I have been told that I write in a normative voice, whereby I present my thoughts from a female to male dynamic.  And although I appreciate why that seems to be the case, it is only because I present my thoughts from my own experiences, those of a heterosexual nature.  But my attempt is rarely to generalize based on gender, instead, my goal has been to present a few ideas and question or challenge them.  And here I find myself surrounded by media that states, men cheat, and women should fear this happening.

This seems ludicrous to me.  Are men only out there fornicating with other men when they leave their marital bliss for some strange on the side?  I mean in a few of my fantasies that is certainly what I am hoping for.  But truthfully, it is people who are out there cheating with each other, and not just men.  This is something inherent in our very human survival, the desire to procreate, to continue life sometimes by any means necessary.  This issue is, we like to think of ourselves so far removed from our baser instincts.  It seems harsh to make a statement that woman are generally more obese than men because a females survival instinct is to eat as many calories as possible to sustain a new life.  Just as no one likes to read about men just spreading their seed as far as possible, due to the same base instinct.  We like to imagine we are so far above these primary goals that have made our survival possible.

Forgetting how we came into being, to thriving, to surviving and regenerating at previously unimaginable rates is unsexy.  So to control this, we polarize.  We demonize men, forgetting where we came from, and why that drive to procreate is there.  Throughout history, large voluptuous woman were the ideal.  Strong virile men likewise were demanded, sought out, and glorified.  It is funny how we forget that, and decide to pick and choose what portions of history we want to learn from.  People were designed to have sex and to eat.  Religion, worked its thorough and well documented “magic” in assisting humanity in forgetting who and what we really are.  A species that should be proud we evolved and have accomplished so much, and stop living in fear of why we have come so far.  Instead, begin to understand, and appreciate the rational.  It is only with understanding and education that we can stop hating what we fear.