Tuesday, 28 May 2013

When Fantasies Go Wrong

Good communication is key in dealing with fantasies and those fantasies that have gone wrong.  As I mentioned in my last post, I just do not think being lazy is an option when you are in a successful open relationship.  And by that I mean, it takes constant communicating and checking in to ensure that every one is on the same page and as happy as they can be.  Open relationships have a certain complexity, in that there is more than just one other person’s feelings and emotions to consider.  And more often than not the potential for error is stronger. Effectively communicating your fantasies and working together to create them is a wonderful thing.  To achieve this you need to be able to talk and really listen, but communicating for that target result is the real key.

The part that makes openness wonderful is the extra spice.  When a person seeks out that spice in whatever form, guess what, burning is possible (cheesy I know!).  Let me share a hypothetical here in order to better illustrate what I mean.  Let us imagine that one person in the relationship has a fantasy to see the other in a sexy and compromising position with some one outside of the relationship.  A few terms and conditions are discussed and then the dear sweet person races out to fulfill the fantasy.  When the partners reconnect after the little tryst and share the experience it comes to light that an aspect was missed.  The potential for a super sexy recounting of the previous evenings adventures just does not have the desired result.  In short the fantasy has actually failed and now the strength of the couples ability to communicate effectively reaches paramount importance.

The initial desire or gut reaction if you will, is to become emotional, jealous even.  Open or not, I think we can all agree our partners have once or twice push our bounds and made us uncomfortable.  When I was monogamous, the threat was for the other to sleep on the proverbial  couch.  There was the silent treatment, anger, yelling, a wave of horrible emotions that are almost uncontrollable.  As I said before, I was lazy in monogamy.  I did not practice how to fight or disagree, and more importantly, I did not practice resolutions.  Why?  Quite simply the stakes are different.  If someone screws up in monogamy it is more black and white, there are two sides to every argument.  In an open relationship there is a whole rainbow of possibilities.

If the goal is to find spice, to add more excitement and possibly more people, then the conversation loses its two sided nature.  It evolves into a discussion, and it is a discussion that the two main partners may come back to many times over.  Emotions therefor get discussed in a calm and rational manor, and in turn must get heard by the other and understood on a level so much deeper than just the normal reactionary desire to find a peaceful solution.  When you bring fantasies to light, you become vulnerable to a host of both positive and potentially negative situations.  I always hope for the best possible outcome, but I do take the time to mentally prepare myself in case something should go wrong.  I also have learned to trust my instincts, and when I feel a little overwhelmed I will speak up.  I will ask to slow down, take baby steps, and rebuild up my confidence.  If your communication with your partner is not at that level where you can discuss problems and issues with love, and trust in a resolution being met, then the risks involved in following through with a fantasy may be too high.   And that would really be a shame.

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Monogamous Fantasies Versus Those in an Open Relationship

When my ex and I were together we had discussed the fantasy of another woman to play with.  I do not enjoy woman per se, but the fantasy involved more of a two people having sex scenario while one watches.  Not just a threesome where we all play together.  But I never felt that we would survive a relationship strain like that.   We both were comfortable or at the very least accepted the fantasy nature of the proposal and I do not think either of us ever made an active move to make it a reality. Besides as I mentioned before, I could barely walk into a sex store,  let alone try and approach another woman to watch him have sex with.  Now being open, there is a whole new set of issues where at times I feel unsure of how to talk about my fantasies because there are so many more opportunities to make them reality.  And some things are just hotter in my mind and I would never actually want to see them played out.  Talking about sex so freely is still new to me.  And often I stumble or at least feel like I stumble or that I am likely to say something inappropriate in the heat of the moment. 

I just do not recall having those issue when I was monogamous.  I could say the dirtiest things I could think of and it was all play and pretend.  I know I feel like I hold back a lot more these days, which is ironic because I do so much more.  I really think things through before I open my mouth.  I feel like if I state something I want to do, then I am bound by it.  And if it doesn’t come to fruition, it is a promise that I failed to deliver rather than just a sexy fantasy left on the table.  Open to possibilities, but not looking to currently pursue.  It is a much more suitable lifestyle for my wants and needs, but there are still landmines to navigate through. 

For my own peace of mind, I recognize that I am walking uncharted territory.  I have to be certain that my verbiage is clear and concise to ensure that when I discuss a sexy dream or a hot video I watched that my motivation are truthful.  As such I want to be very clear and direct in my next statement, and that is, I personally, was lazy in monogamy.  I was so convinced that the possibility of cheating, or towing the line was so far from my reality that my communication became poor, this is not imply that cheating is always a result of laziness in a relationship.  But I lost all reason to try and keep the spice up.  I was not clear when I discussed fantasies, my likes or dislikes in the bedroom and even when discussing the bigger issues in the aforementioned relationship I felt like I was walking on eggshells.  That if I was direct and clear I would upset this whole delicate balancing act that had become my life.  I know that I was part of D and I breaking up.  During our breakup, I was clear, direct and all the skills that I rarely used when we were together came together.  I felt a surreal closeness to him, in that he finally understood me and where I was coming from.  The whole too little too late concept. 

Being in an open relationship, communication is something that has to be constantly worked on.  I may have reservations discussing my fantasies at times, and the big reason behind that is I feel like such a beginner in my direct tone of phrase.  I feel like my brain is using muscles that were reserved for work alone, not my personal life.  And even then, rarely used.  I convinced myself early on that if I was too forward I would receive a negative reaction, thus the little device known as sugar coating came into my life.  And quite simply, when discussing a fantasy, sugar coating just will not do.  It is as much a turn off for my partner, as it is for me to use it.  I like a challenge, and I love working my brain as much as other areas, so I wouldn’t have it any other way when I look at the big picture.  I disliked myself for being lazy in monogamy, I just do not think that is even an option when you are successfully open. 

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

The Old House and Long Lost Days Continued

The house of those years mentioned in my previous blog, of course was about a lot more than sex, flirting and relationships.  The chaos that results from a bunch of guys forming bonds that are to last a lifetime certainly leads to a number of stories, and I was just a lone girl thrown into the mix.  Two showers clogged after a night of mud wrestling.  Blue stains all over the floor after Jell-o wrestling.   Discovering some amazing artistic talents painted on the walls, and the opposite written in chalk in the downstairs urinal.  And the stories go on and on, but this is after all a relationship blog, so these stories will just have to wait for another time and place. 

Liquid courage allows you to act on the impulses that you many keep hidden.  This was a house that actually had a liquor storage room and a beer machine.  Plus a whole bunch of bedrooms and couches.  It was a recipe for exploration and experimentation.  Hours were spent watching the “free” porn that suddenly appeared on the downstairs TV.  Nothing is quite like sitting in a basement drinking beer surrounded by a bunch of guys watching 70’s bush on roller skates.  It really taught me to be less afraid of nudity and porn.  Here were a bunch of guys watching it, laughing, hanging out and there was no stress.  It was not cheating, or idealizing woman, it was sex on TV, period.  It was actually on 24 hours a day for so long, you almost forgot it was even there.  It became a natural staple of the house, and the boys were pretty upset when one day it just went away.  So the house provided a very good thing, and that was to teach me porn was not evil.  But there were down sides to being surrounded by all these guys too.

I always knew that I wanted outside attention, but the stigma that I would be called a cheating slut, or a tease kept me in line.  But it did not make me happy.  The Bro code was a major factor in keeping those closest to me from making a move.  And when you are young and trying to accept how you look it was a challenge.  I had always heard that girls were objectified, and sexualized, but that just was never the case for me.  It puzzled me that in the eyes of the guys who knew me best I was not somebody they wanted to sleep with.  Instead I played a role where I could speak my mind, have opinions and challenge the best of them, but never be a sexual person.  I felt on some level that once guys got to know me, they would no longer want to sleep with me.  That I was more of a guys guy versus an attractive female.  When I went out into the real world, not surrounded by these men who regarded me as something other than I was, I felt confused.  It was a shock to my system each and every time a guy would hold my glance.  Or stare at me as a walked away, woman too for that matter. 

I often wonder, if I was freer to flirt, or if the guys around me could have flirted with me, how things would have turned out.  Clearly much differently, and I probably would not have such amazing friends from that time in my life.  That house has held many secrets, and very few of them are mine. The amount of Eskimo brothers (another League Reference) that have resulted from those days is quite impressive, and I wonder if the guys even know who they all are.   I watched this all go down around me, and perhaps I thought that I was above it all or not worthy of that kind of attention.  That I would never make those mistakes, and that living vicariously through my peers was enough.  But it turns out, I was naive.  I played the good girl, the innocent one, the spectator who watched almost everything.  And yet here I am realizing that it was all an act, and I could have had so much more fun than I did.  I do not say that with regret, more the knowledge that perhaps I needed the stability of monogamy to help me get through all the challenges and hurdles that life was throwing at me in those days.

I feel a little alone at times without the safety of that house, and I miss all that happened there, the good and the bad.  That group of guys that I saw on an almost daily basis and now I run into by chance alone.  The lessons learned both in the house and when I joined the real world.  I feel like I lost a little of who I was when that house closed it doors.  Now all I can do is look back on lessons learned, but face the future with the knowledge of the past while running towards my new adventures.