Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Quantity vs Quality: The Orgasm

No clever introductions on this post, I am just going to jump right into the topic at hand, which is quantity versus quality of an orgasm.  In the past, I was with a partner for a long period of time and sex was not amazing.  It was good, yet there was something off about it, and I felt awkward even mentioning what that was to my close friends.  Years later, I can finally admit the problem, and that was the simple fact that quantity took more importance over quality.  How can one possibly be taken seriously when their main complaint of their sex life is that they are having too many orgasms?  From experience, you can’t.  Nothing about that statement allows for a conversation, an explanation or even a tiny little morsel of sympathy.  In fact, you get glares, and then the one ups begin.  “You think that’s a problem, try not getting laid at all”, or “what I would kill to just get one, so don’t complain about too many to me”. 

In fairness, I was most likely not explaining clearly what the issue with this really was.  Partially because no one stuck around long enough for me to verbally work out the rationale behind the complaint.  I tried to start with, “what I wouldn't give for a quickie” or variations of the same thinking process.  Though this would not have solved the problem, as orgasms were simply a means to an end, and I will now admit, it was a competition.  The two of us, would try to find ways for me to reach the O into the high 20’s.  The goal for me, to one day pass out, not be able to walk, and that sort of thing.  Sex was in fact a game.  And the sad reality, is that people get bored of games.  It is one thing to entertain into a friendly competition from time to time, but we are talking years of this.  Year with no inventiveness, no attention to detail, and absolutely no variety.  It was the tried and true method, then keep that going for as long as possible, as the high score wins.

Of course there is a biological basis for this phenomenon.  Men are hardwired to want sex in higher quantities to increase their rate of reproductive chances and therefore the survival of their very genes.  Woman on the other hand are hardwired to be choosy, as the cost of reproduction is much higher.  For example the energy it takes for a man to reproduce is very small, a one time shot.  Whereas, for a woman to reproduce, she must be able to carry the fetus for 9 months, sharing her resources, and continue to do so beyond that, into the infancy stage.   By sheer numbers alone, a man can have thousands of children, and the max number a female has ever reproduced was 69.  Men choose quantity, and woman choose quality.  And unfortunately the studies to show why men orgasm once, versus woman having the potential for multiple O’s are not conclusive by any measure, although I think the parallels between burden of procreation versus pleasure paint their own picture.

From this, I have deduced that quality overtakes quantity any day.  Perhaps it was my young age that thought having tonnes of orgasms was more important, and more impressive than just having amazing sex.  Perhaps having an affinity for numbers, being able to quantify was easier than saying I needed something different, that more meaningful feeling.  To be able to cum without aiming for a record, and instead having them with more intensity, variety, and passion seems quite satisfying.  As I get older, passion is a word that I can connect with more and more.  It is the ultimate level of satisfaction, that place where nothing gets in the way for a few moments.  Raw, emotional, and memory making tied up in a pretty little bow.  The quest for quality and passion, never to allow numbers to get in the way again is my own, and it was a strange realization to have so many years after the fact.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Dating by Avoiding Human Interaction

I read quite a few dating coaches via twitter, through various blogs or online advice columns and I find myself going through a strange cycle of love and hate.  They have a few really interesting points and concepts, and then they write some cliché that nearly loses me.  For example, don’t call before 3 days.  Or if the guy you are seeing only texts you, you must sit down and tell him that behaviour is not acceptable, and prohibits intimacy. A man who is in love will not so much as think of looking at another woman, he will only have eyes for you.  Or, a real man will tell you he loves you every day, and a real woman will show it.  Cute, simple and sweet little tidbits of information that have a funny way of making you feel horrible if you don’t follow through with what these experts say the ground rules are.  If I sleep with a man on the first date, I have now given him the wrong impression and he will never call me again.  He got what these dating experts say he wanted and now he’s done.  Does advice like that really seem fair to either party?  All it does is plant horrible seeds, and false expectations in each person’s mind.  And it takes away our freedom to make connections, or allow us to enjoy where an individual experience leads us.

Obviously, I do not agree with a lot of advice columns out there, Dan Savage being one of the big exceptions.  And my disagreement leads me to ponder the bigger questions.  Why are we so keen to find quick, formulaic, and often arbitrary advice to interact with someone we are interested in?  Why do we feel we need an experts advice to form a bond, make a connection and even just have an introduction with our fellow man?  Why this desire for the middle man?  Even in the work environment, if you are having troubles finding a job, the advice is to go to a head hunter, a hired professional who will be able to sell your skills to the appropriate employer.  Why is our resume and cover letter no longer enough?  Instead we need to be verified and backed up by someone else.  We seek advice and validation, rather than risk falling on our faces, or making any mistakes in approach.  And of course online dating has become a very effective middle man.  A way to peruse hundreds of pictures and profiles in order to find out some tidbit of information that catches your eye. 

When I was in my early 20’s I would go to the bars to meet new people.  People were there to interact, make new friends, have one night stands, and just find that one person who was missing in their lives for the moment or perhaps forever.  You were allowed to walk up to a good looking stranger, offer to buy them a drink for the chance to get to know them better.  This is now very seldom the case.  Bars are filled with tables and chairs, you go in big groups and you do not approach the lady standing next to you at the bar. I have had so many people as of late share this same experience or lack there of.  Going out is no longer to meet new people, it is to socialize with those you already know.  Why have we become so fearful to interact with our fellow man and potentially make new connections?  It seems that no one wants to be single, and yet are missing all the opportunities to go out and do something about it.  As a culture we are trained to be fearful of mistakes, falling on our faces or having an embarrassing encounter.

My advice is to stay in your shells, and whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with that pretty thing walking down the street.  Do not offer to buy a guy a coffee, or ask someone in the checkout line if they want to go for a drink.  Do not try and make connections with a stranger, or take a chance going out on a date with someone completely outside of your normal attraction.  Do not join a sports team full of people you have never met and then go for a beer with them after the game.   Why?  Because it will allow me to stand out.  It will keep my game sharp, and make it so much easier for me to have all the fun I want.  It will continue to give me the upper hand, and make my confidence level stand out and give me the advantage.  So thank you for not taking the time to make a new friend, I am out here making new connections every day, and I love it!  

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Judge Not, Open Relationships

Today, I had a guy online tell me that being in an open relationship just means that he doesn’t want me (referring to my boyfriend of course).  It is not the first time I have heard that, nor will it be the last.  I have written a piece wondering why people hate an open relationship.  Now though, I would like to share a few things that I have run into after becoming public with being open.  The comment above arose after I attempted to tell a guy that he was not my type, which prompted his ego to flare up.  He called me a few names, one of them being stuck up, and thinking I was too good for a man, which is why I was single.  Once I shared with him, that I was in an open relationship, very happy, and in a position to look for something quite specific, hence why I tried letting him down nicely, he pulled out the gem I opened with.

I know that each and every relationship will have their own unique challenges.  For example, I read a story today where a catholic woman is being hounded by family and friends for only having one child after being married for a number of years.  The faith she is a part of places a strong value on procreation, and unfortunately for her she has had a number of miscarriages and may only be able to have the one child.  That is a tough relationship for her to choose to be in, both with her family, and with her God.  She chose this path, and it is not always easy, but I am sure she feels it is right for her.  Anytime you do not follow the norm, whether by choice or by situation, there will be criticisms.  Change frightens a lot of people, non conformity is an outlier, something to be questioned and usually with judgement first.

I have been asked a few times what is in open relationships for me.  Many people can see the benefit for my male partner, yet seem to think I would not also enjoy choice, variety, and threesomes. Also I have been told that when I have kids I will no longer want to live this lifestyle.  That my priorities will shift away from my happiness towards selfless love of my offspring.  I can tell you from experience, that if you are not raised by happy parents, there is no chance of happy children.  And of course, the most common comment I get is, that people just do not understand the appeal in general of having a long term relationship that is not monogamous.  Why even bother having a partner, if you are just going to go out and screw around.  That it is just not real love, and is not an adult relationship. 

Through out my years of blogging, I have touched on all these questions and critiques.  I always try to explain with love, and clear language free of too much emotion my line of thinking.  I want to err on the side of rational, versus just a dear diary experience.  I do not think monogamy is better or worse, simply that for me, an open relationship makes sense.   How difficult is it in monogamy to live up to being the ideal standard of your partner.  To be someone’s everything?  Honestly, how difficult is this relationship norm?  It is a lifestyle I lived for well over 8 years.  I came out of it exhausted, but also never questioned it for a second.  It is easy to attack and judge someone, and it is much more challenging to open a dialogue, especially when it challenges your ideas or core values.  So don’t be that guy who tells you that the relationship that makes you happy is clearly wrong, and that you are unloved. 

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

The Key to Sex, Dating, and Relationships

With more and more frequency, I have been asked for dating advice.  I love giving dating, relationship and sex advice.  It is a passion I have had for years, and writing this blog allows me the freedom to say what I feel needs to be said and explore many conflicts I have found in the societies we live in.  There is a commonality to all advice that I give.  If you are not happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with someone else.   It is so basic and simple in concept, and yet really difficult to get through to many people.  The standard, you need to be in a good place to date seems to fall on deaf ears, or perhaps is too much of a challenge for many out there, I know I have struggled with a bit in recent months.

I am going to share with you a few items that I hope will help you as much as they have helped me.  The first thing is to write down all the things you like about yourself, followed by all the things you love about yourself.  Take 15 minutes and fill a page with every positive you know to be true, or even things that you are so proud you have improved about yourself.  After you have done this, take a highlighter and place emphasis on every item on that list that makes you unique, and stand out.  Take a few minutes to really acknowledge that you have strengths and feel some pride when doing this.  These highlighted items are things you should be sharing with those around you.  These are the stories you should be telling, and the passions you should be chasing.  These things that make you an individual, and what’s more are what make you interesting, which goes hand in hand with confidence.  The resulting list will be the fundamentals that allow you to exist with yourself.  And the only way to live with anyone else, is to first live with yourself.  To love yourself, and take pride in the things that set you apart.

I have a reading list on this blog, that I update regularly.  It is a compilation of the material that has added something important to how I view the world around me, specifically in how people interact with each other.  Reading and writing are my way of constantly improving myself, and playing to my strengths.  It is my uniqueness, passion and what fuels me day in and day out.  I found myself through my writing.  For some it is sports, others arts, design, music, public speaking, teaching, animals, comedy, and the list could go on for eternity.  I love helping through the mysteries of the dating world, relationships and even sex, and of course I love exploring all these things for myself.  But I had to find out what made me the best I am for myself.  No person could tell me, or teach me what really keeps me up at night.  Once you find yourself, everything else can truly follow.  There is no way around it.  No shortcuts and no exceptions.  You must love yourself, before anything can follow.  Once accomplished, feel free to write to me with any and all questions as I love hearing from you.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Confidence in Imperfection

In a recent post, I wrote one of my more vulnerable pieces, which led me to read a book called “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty”, by Mark Manson.  As an unforeseen coincidence when reading this book, I burst into tears while reading about confidence.  This book was recommended to me with the intention that it would help my blog, and the subtle hint was that it may help me as well.  A passage in it hit home, and hit really hard, whereby a couple is trying a quick fix to save their relationship with a romantic vacation.  This was a failure and they broke up when they returned home because the problem was not romance, it was that one of the partners was without confidence.  I can honestly say, I have never just started sobbing like this when reading a non –fiction book before.  I was linked to this couple instantly, and I am sure many of my readers can relate as well.  You know something is missing, and desperately want to find that quick fix, that romantic glue to make everything go back to the way it was in the honeymoon phase.  And yet, what had changed was the confidence level of one of the people in the relationship.  The relationship was not the thing that needed fixing, it was much more personal, and much harder to see at first glance.

It was absolutely liberating for me to start posting my blog with pictures.  I feel amazing and proud for doing so.  I am trying really hard to not think about the wasted time that has been spent lost in what can only be a spiral of identity loss.  The thing I need to focus on, is not that I have never had confidence.  More that when I have it, I feel amazing, strong and proud as I do in the pictures I am starting to share.

Today though was a reminder that self confidence must come from within and must be real, not faked. I was reminded of this after an uncomfortable conversation with a family member.  I will not go into any detail, other than to say I was hung up on for the simple reason that I am perceived to be who I was, and not who I am striving to be.  I find it baffling that certain members of my family would prefer that I wallow in self pity.  That I should be terrified and insecure about things not yet falling into place and be scared of uncertainty.  Yet every book I read, and every conversation I have with confident amazing people tells me otherwise.  I will not dwell on what is missing from the equation.  Rather I am focusing on bettering myself, making the most of where I am at right now and will not spend a moment entertaining those who want to hear a sob story.

I cried when I read how devastating losing ones confidence can be to a relationship and more to ones self identity.  Those tears lasted mere moments, and I dragged my ass out of bed and did something productive.  I have no time to self pity.  My actions must speak louder than any words, or posts that I write.  Confidence is not fleeting, it is identity and the thing that draws people to you.  That power that attracts, and allows things to move forward with success, despite all hiccups or imperfections.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

The Halloween Siren

I love dressing up!  I also love meeting new people and socializing.  Halloween house parties are the perfect place to do this, and I am lucky to say for the past two years I have gone to the same house party in which I only know the people I arrive with.  This may be intimidating to some, however for me it has become quite exciting and interesting.  I show up, with bare ass (part of my costume of course!) to dance, drink, and mingle with a group of people I have no clue what they look like without makeup.  This year, there was an added element in that E was not able to attend due to work.  So, here I am, a completely unknown lady in a devil suit with an open butt flap, partying with strangers. 

5 years ago, had I been in the situation I would not have left the wall.  I would have held my drink firmly in my hand, waiting for people to approach me, well, until the level of booze rid me of my inhibitions.  I would have been nervous and intimidated that all these people knew each other around me, and were judging this person who showed up to invade their little clique.  And please do not get me wrong, I do know that these people do still exist, in fact I had one lady at the party imply just that to me.  And the thing is, it really did not matter to me.  I was not crushed, or insecure when I was told that me showing up alone with a bare ass two years in a row may be a sign that I have some sort of psychological issue that needs to be resolved or at least dealt with.  It actually barely phased me, aside from me having a good laugh and continuing to have a fantastic time at the party.  The thing I feared so much for so long, was really no big deal when it finally happened.

I should clarify that I was never the wallflower for long.  Once I got my stride or booze, was comfortable in my surroundings then I was ready to socialize.  And this party was no different.  It takes a moment or two to acquaint yourself with a new place, get a vibe and figure out what part of the room to begin with.  Also to make the big decision of whether undoing the buttons on your buttflap is actually party appropriate and if in the end it really matters.  Obviously the buttons were undone right after I poured my first drink.  And I must say, although I truly missed having E at the party along side me, I was perfectly comfortable and confident to walk around complete strangers, making conversation and dancing with my butt hanging out.  Hmm, maybe I am really focused on my tushie and should look into the reason why?  I jest of course.

What I found surprising was that I, being the stranger, had confidence, whereas this group of people who presumably knew each other, displayed moments of insecurity and outright jealousy over a few of my actions or just my presence there.  Last year with E by my side, I was slapped on the ass, congratulated for showing it off, and told if you’ve got it flaunt it.  All by confident and happy women. 

This year, there was a bit of that, however it was over shadowed by distrust obviously fuelled by me being alone.  I counted 6 separate times that people came up to me, to ensure that I knew and was not embarrassed that my ass was hanging out.  Various reactions occurred when I replied that of course I knew and that was what a butt flap was for.  I even went so far as to tell one lady that I was taking pictures for my boyfriend, yeah it did nothing to improve her mood.  Most surprising though, was the women who interrupted when I was talking to their significant others and then would take them away.  I felt like the siren at the party.  Being typecast as that chick every woman must keep their eye on and protect their men because of my devilish ways.  Honestly, I have not felt that feeling in such a long time, I had forgotten the steps I usually try and take to prevent any distrust and put people at ease.  Which oddly turned out to be a good thing.  It is not my job to protect the feelings of every person in the room.  And that it is ok to polarize people at a party by being myself.  I have grown from the desire to win over a room, to just being myself, even if I was being a little bit of a siren, or just being a devil.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Comfortable Naked

When I was a toddler, my mom took me to do a photo shoot.  The photographer asked what my favorite thing to do was and my mom told him it was to undress.  To this day my mom has the framed progression of me taking off my dress, stripping into my slip, and then posing with a mirror in my socks and underwear.  This framed artwork was never hidden, and I am sure nearly every friend I invited over to my place has heard me tell the same story.  My very first photo shoot was of me stripping, so it should come as no surprise that every photo shoot I have done since is of the more risqué nature.  Taking off my clothes in front of a camera is a natural thing to do.  There is no shame, even though I will often tell people it is for artistic purposes only, or to look back upon when I am 80.  Maintaining a comfort with being naked has not always been easy though.

I was a late bloomer, flat, thin, and nothing special until I turned 17.  By special, I mean almost boyish, with no curves to speak of.  And yet, I was OK with my body being plain.  I did not know any different, and I was never shy in a bathing suit.  I preferred not getting naked in change rooms as I was often grossed out by the more European variety of woman that flaunted what they should not have been flaunting.  I practiced modesty where ever possible.  Not for my own body, more to ensure no one else was uncomfortable.  A strange mentality I know, but if you are a regular reader you should not be shocked.

As an adult I have heard my fair share of crazy attitudes when it comes to me being naked.  For example, I had an ex tell me that he did not want me to walk around the house naked as he feared nudity would be commonplace and he would no longer be turned on when I took off my clothes.  Sanctifying nudity for sex only?  Well, what can I say, he is an ex for many reasons.  Another more recent one, is that my ass has more corners than curves.  Apparently my butt is quite muscular and firm, and has a difficult time forming into a round or circular booty.  I have even been told to eat more so I would grow more curves in the hip and thigh area, and therefore have a hot booty that would jiggle more.  

From all this, I understand my body is not perfect.  My body is not the ideal image that will turn on every man or woman for that matter.  With that said, I like being naked, and I am comfortable in my own skin.  I think becoming comfortable with nudity, in both sexual and non sexual mediums is important.  Historically there has been so much focus on criminalizing the naked form, and making it taboo.  Moving forward, this blog will be doing its part to try and stand against this.  If you are a photographer and feel your work can contribute to sex positivity and this blog, I would love to hear from you.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Thankful for Friends Who Have Become My Family

The song “When a Man Loves a Woman” is one I am sure most of you out there have heard. There is line that goes, he would “Turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down.”  This line is very powerful in its implications, to love someone so much that you would lose your best friend if they said an unkind word about him/her.  As a child, I wanted to love someone that badly.  I wanted to feel that burning power of love, that passion for one person whom I would give up all my friends for if they were too blind to see the amazing thing we had.  Is this not what love is?  Something you would risk everything for?  Everything except your family that is.

Yes, sadly there is a but in this sentiment.  You can give up friendship for a love, but you are not allowed to give up your family.  Your family can make you choose, say the most unkind things imaginable, rationalized because they know what is best for you.  They love you unconditionally, so you must put up with all their crap and never waiver.  Your love can move any mountain, unless your family does not agree with your choice.  Because we all know love is a choice, and we choose to fall in love with the knight in shining armor, or the sleeping beauty high atop the highest tower. 

I grew up in an environment where your family judging you was acceptable because they loved you.  They wanted you to achieve great and wonderful things in life, love and everything in between.  The stakes are high, and the person that makes you happy is not the same as the person who will be loved by your extended family.  Perhaps every family is like that, where there is constant criticism disguised as “what’s best for you” and “just looking out for your best interests”.  That inability to just be happy for a family member, because that individual is truly happy is something often forgotten in my family.  Following your heart is the most wonderful feeling in the world, unless of course your family disapproves. 

I watch, mystified, and shocked that significant others in my life, and those of my family are told they have to prove themselves to have a seat at the dinner table.  To be welcomed inside the homes of those I grew up with these people that bring joy to our lives are given hurdles that they must jump.  No mistakes are allowed, the courtship must be flawless, date, love, never get angry and then get married.  And of course start popping out babies, for that is the true testament in my clan.  Babies born inside of wedlock can erase every single sin that you have ever committed.  All is forgiven, but not always forgotten.

I write this post because love is not always easy.  I write it because I see pain around me, in the harsh and hypocritical judgements.  Those who should read this and open their eyes never will.  I have made peace with that, and yet I still write it with that infallible hope that I cling to.  Love conquers all, or at least it should.  I lament the pain that I watched this thanksgiving, and I am shocked by the numbness I felt in the continued exclusion I have come to accept.  When love doesn’t conquer the cruel judgemental nature of your own family, I turn to my friends who are more family then I ever could have dreamed, and of course wine.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Being in a Good Place to Date is Easy in Comparison…

To Being in a Good Place While in a Relationship.  It seems that everyone is looking for dating advice these days.  How do you talk to a person you are interested in?  Where do you go and meet new people?  How do you flirt? How do you get someone you like to like you back?  I have given flirting advice, and dating advice off and on in my blog career, A Good Dating State of Mind , Don’t Forget to Have Fun , and Flirting.  The main thing I want to focus on for this post is the basics, loving yourself first.

In order to be a in a relationship, you absolutely need to be in a good place yourself.  I give this advice in person and online, however I am not sure that it really sinks in.  So I will use myself as an example.  I am currently not in a great emotional state.  I am not feeling confident, or self sufficient right now as I am at a crossroads with where I am in my life and what direction I want my career to take me.  In a perfect world, I would love my writing to become fruitful, as we can conclude it has not happened yet.  So, my point with this, I am not a very great girlfriend right now.  I am having troubles keeping my focus on what needs to be accomplished in my life and not get swept up in all the daunting things around me that I cannot possibly do well if not given 100 %.  I have allowed myself to become a little introverted and insecure about my future.  The result is, I am not being a very loving and giving partner, so my dating life is struggling. To put another way, I am just not loving myself right now.

This is the same thing that marriages go through, committed monogamous relationships, and non monogamous situations.  If one partner is not happy, the other feels the stress and strain.  I am one stubborn girl, or as my mother calls me, fiercely independent.  The down side is when things are not going to plan I slowly slip away from any drive, and motivation.  I can see the strain this causes all around me, with my friendships, relationships, and with me feeling any inclination to affiliate with new people.  I am absolutely not in a position to date right now.  But what is a girl to do?  Take a break from all relationships, regain control of myself and then start again?  That would certainly be the easier road.  So obviously I am not going to try that.  Instead, I am going to try the very difficult path of finding my drive, while continuing to love and be loved.  To try and share when I feel hopeless and lost with my partner, and ask for the support I need.  Honestly just writing this has taken so much out of me.  I am not nearly as optimistic as I would like.  I feel uncertain, and burdened by all the hurdles I see around me.  Having an amazing and loving person in my life helps but I feel a guilt having him share the down times as I am not certain how long they will last.

So in my humble opinion, you have to be in a good frame of mind to date.  When you are in a relationship, it is a real commitment to find the time to help yourself, while at the same time loving someone else.  Finding yourself, defining your goals, and setting focused tasks is not easy when in a relationship, at least it is not for me.  If I was single, my advice would be to take a step back, focus on myself and let any relationship come to me when I was more open.  It feels strange to take the same approach when involved with someone, almost too selfish if that makes any sense.  And yet, not doing this, not finding my drive would surely sour a strong and loving commitment.  I love someone amazing, and I will be damned if he does not get to love someone amazing back for my own accomplishments, even if this means showing him I feel a little lost right now.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Birthday Fantasies Stopped in the Making

With my 30th birthday being an inevitable reality, I have been looking into a little spice shall we say.  Just putting out some sexy feelers and perhaps starting my 30’s with a very fun night or two.  So far it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped, and with that said, I am running into some surprising roadblocks.  As I wrote in my last piece, I am always surprised that people encourage others to sleep with strangers.  I may be a little old fashioned in my thinking, but I prefer to get down and dirty with people I actually know, so there is accountability for safety, and feelings should they arise.  Now I am not saying that I sleep with all or even any of my friends, but a little conversation prior to is a must for me. 

Now here is the situation that had me almost rolling my eyes.  A guy that I have chit chatted with for a couple of months has a fantasy.  A fantasy very similar to the one linked here.  Now this is something that although I find pretty hot under the correct circumstances is not exactly what I had in mind for my 30th.  So I put out the feelers to see if the chick he is seeing would be interested in a foursome.  The reply was that he liked her, and that he would not be willing to share someone he liked, and if I wanted he could try and find someone else.  I have heard similar things said many times on the great big interweb, but never once have I actually encountered this in real life.  I suppose that I convinced myself that there is no sex negativity in the people I choose to associate with.  Or maybe that they would not be silly enough to admit these thoughts to me, knowing full well that I write this stuff down and share it!

The bottom line for me is that people who sleep together are not objects devoid of thoughts and feelings.  To exclude a person because you care about them just fundamentally seems wrong to me.  That is the very person that you should talk to about fantasies, about doing fun things together.  If they are not into it, that is perfectly fine, but they should not be excluded.  Does it not make more sense that your sex life be as exciting as possible with those you love and care about rather than reserved for strangers?  Why should we give up certain fun times just to be in a committed relationship?  I would much rather strive to have all good things, and not compromise, or allow myself to be compromised.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

The Taboo of Sleeping with an Exes Friend

Why is it so taboo to sleep with an exes friend after a breakup and yet encouraged to sleep with a random stranger to get over someone?  Bro’s before hoes and other such phrases come to mind.  I have touched on this before, so forgive me if I repeat a few thoughts here.  This is an important concept to question and give some serious consideration to.  We put so much emphasis on the thoughts and feelings of the injured party in a breakup and silly little rules, that I think we forget a few more human details in the process.

When you are newly single, often times, getting over that sexual hump is important.  Sex releases endorphin's and gets your body moving, so it is natural to seek this out when you are emotionally fragile.  Exercise and new experiences, or really anything positive is a good thing.  So why then do we put possible harmful limitations on ourselves when in this potentially fragile frame of mind?  We are not allowed to seek out human comfort from people that we know.  People who are safer, kinder, and we have relationships with?  Why are we not allowed to go seek a one nighter or a few weeks of fun from someone who is friends with the ex?  Society deems this action as taboo, as a social no no, that with which is frowned upon and just plain shunned from any party who knows about it. 

Now I ask you, why is it ok, and encouraged to go out to the bar and get some strange instead, from well, a stranger?  These people are high fived afterwards, congratulated for getting their ex out of their system and they can proudly brag about just using a person to get over someone else.  How is this healthy?  How is this acceptable?  Why is this sort of behavior encouraged?  All this goes hand in hand with just how sex negative our society can be.

Now let us not forget, that it stings to know that your friend and ex have slept together.  It is not a fun feeling, and it can ruin a friendship if you let it.  I have employed the notion of laughing at an ex and a friend sleeping together, laughing that he is now her problem, or sometimes cruelly thinking about some facet of our old sex lives that I no longer have to deal with.  The visual of two people I know being intimate sucks.  But if you really loved someone, the idea of them sleeping with anyone sucks.  Perhaps it is my enduring empathy that I have for people, even exes, that I would not wish them harm.  I would feel a strange and terrible sadness if they went out to the bar, had a one night stand and were physically harmed or emotional abused in some way.  That is much less likely to occur if they slept with someone they knew, not impossible of course, but there is a smaller chance. 

The long and the short of it is, when you are hurting, opening up to a stranger is tough.  Seeking solace in a friend is what they are there for.  If this leads to sexy times, then it does.  I have used complete discretion when I have slept with exes friends.  It is not rubbed in anyone's face, and what is more, we are all adults and can and should choose who we sleep with.  Just something to think about the next time you chastise a friend for sleeping with an ex.  In my opinion it should be more socially acceptable than the praise of sleeping with a stranger.  And the one final thought on the subject, when two people sleep together it almost never has to do with the exes.  It has to do with those two people, the moment, the lust, the whatever, and no one else.  Sleeping with someone else, and while having an ex on the brain is a whole other ball of wax ie revenge sex, or evening the scores (it happens of course, however it would take an entire piece to deal with the emotional goings on of a tryst like that).

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Finding Balance in Communicating the Highs and Lows

Being open can be a balance game of sorts.  My best experiences are always when I am in a good place emotionally and physically.  I suppose that should be true of any relationship you are in, however when you are dealing with more than one person, the range of emotions is wider.  I am learning to center myself and refocus on things that make me happy whenever I feel that the emotions are getting the best of me. 

My early adult years involved a lot of roles where I played therapist to my friends.  It slowly evolved into me becoming a punching bag to many of those near me.  I found myself alone, exhausted, and drained as a result.  Although I did it to myself, there are days when I find myself lamenting having to close the door to so many people who just could not understand that my sole role in their lives was not to listen to the negativity and drama that they had created.  These of course were lessons that I needed to learn.  Finding the strength to kindly, but firmly decline listening to the problems of my friends was not easy, and challenges me at times today, especially with family. 

I find that I am often guilty of trying to predict the feelings or emotional responses that the people in my life may have, and then adjust my behaviour accordingly.  It is a habit I am trying hard to break.  Often I have to verbally tell myself to take a step back and remember that my feelings matter just as much as everyone else’s.  It is an interesting conundrum to be in.  I am nearly 30 and I still have troubles validating my own feelings.  Finding the strength to say that I am having a bad moment, and then to explain that it will pass challenges the pillar of strength I attempt to embody.

I wonder if people in monogamous relationships take as much time to soul search and really discover who they are and how best to communicate.  It was something I took for granted in monogamy as I have said many times.  As I just assumed, I was a good communicator because I did the opposite of how I was raised (as most children do), and then found myself horribly unhappy and isolated.  Now that I face myself, and a variety of people on an ongoing basis there is not opportunity to become stagnant.  I constantly am being challenged and offered so many chances to really communicate with those around me.  Freedom of expression is a real gift, and having a strong emotional IQ, is the only way openness could be successful.

 As I said, it can be a tricky balance game.  By allowing yourself to feel emotions, and react with acceptance, love and support, while at the same time acknowledging that not all feelings are OK.  That your partner is not a punching bag for your emotional negativity, and finding that point where you share more positives and joys than you do the bad.  And with multiple partners this is a critical point.  None of your partners, or friends for that matter should be the bearer of all your emotional upsets, each one needs to experience good times, in order to give a shit long enough to stick around for the bad.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Just Porn, and My Own Acceptance of Sexuality

I have a very popular post on this blog entitled Porn, JustPorn.  I reluctantly admit, that when people Google this subject they are not necessarily looking for some light reading, however the stats are what they are and I will take them.  My last post had to do with me finally being able to express what is really in it for me when it come to having an open relationship.  I would like to now bring these two trains of thought together, and perhaps make some sort of a point.

I know a lot of people out there are uncomfortable with the porn habits of their partner.  I have heard time and time again that porn should not be necessary when you are in a committed partnership.  Or that a sign of too much porn indulgence is a warning about something or other in your relationship.  I have heard it, seen it, and I have even felt this very thing.  What I fail to comprehend in all of this, is any sort of logic, it seems to be an emotional response that we accept rather than understanding it.  When I think of being in a happy and committed relationship, for better or worse, till death do us part, I have never once thought that my partner is now mine to control.  More to the point, I do not think that I have control over his mind, body or soul.  It is a partnership because I love and accept him, for him.

Sex is a natural part of being human.  I do not see the rationale behind telling someone whom I love, respect and judge to be a whole and unique individual that I now get a say in how they find pleasure.  Nor do I take kindly to the notion that my partner may have a say in when I can, or cannot have sex, alone or otherwise.  Or in what order I may choose to get off, for example do I try to have sex with him, prior to me getting myself off?  Does that seem reasonable?  And yet, too often, I hear the sad story of someone getting jealous because they caught their partner watching porn and did not even get a consult to see if maybe they wanted to have sex first.   Sometimes it can be really hot to be caught getting myself off, where as others, I close the door and have some private time for myself.  And I do not think that having a partner should change our individuality. 

As many people out there are choosing the lifestyle of monogamy, yes I believe it is a choice, at the very least I hope that you recognize you do not have control over your partners sexual desires.  I once read an article, where a woman was sitting on the washing machine and it vibrated in just the right way.  After she had some surprise fun, she wondered if she needed to tell her husband what had happened, and I kid you not, if he would be upset that she got off without him.  This is one of those laugh or cry moments for me.  I would never be in a relationship if that meant I had to give up who I was.  To relinquish control over my sexuality? To be told that I could or could not watch porn, and touch myself if I chose to.  I find it hard some days to admit that I am proud of my partners sexuality, and his desires for other woman.  The first step is admitting your own desires, and watching his excitement at my happiness brings me one step further to accepting all that he is, porn habits and all!  So in the end perhaps less of a point was made, and more of a rant.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

What I Love About Being Open

“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough” Albert Einstein.  I read this quote a few weeks ago and it finally has come true for me.  I was able to conversationally explain my open relationship to a friend, with simplicity and contentment.  I know this may not seem like such a big deal, but for me, writing is my preferred method of communication.  And for a while now, I have been able to clearly define what my partner gets out of being open, but have lacked the ability to fully commit to what I love about being open.  I enjoy many facets, and have for quite some time, but now to be able to reach the level where I can express it with words in an enthusiastic way, was quite liberating.

To be a male in an open relationship seems quite logical to many people whether it is a lifestyle of your choosing or not.  It is easy to describe to someone else the desire for a man to hunt, to seek out new challenges and to love variety.  There is a certain logic to this, and let us be honest, both men and woman alike have experienced this when dating.  Whether this was a positive or negative place in your life of course is open for some debate.  If we keep in mind that we are not monogamous daters we can see how men may feel that they give up more when they enter into a committed monogamous relationship.  And like I mentioned, this in the past has been easy for me to explain to people.  What has been a little trickier is when the question of “what’s in it for you?” creeps up.

I love that I do not have to hide my sexuality.  Or to cage my natural urges whenever something new catches my eye.  I am free to flirt, to tease, and to say no whenever I choose to.  I am proud to be a sexual being, and I will never be the property or sole possession of one man.  I have complete freedom of my sexuality, and expression in whatever form I choose for that to take.  I can confidently meet new people without restrictions for how the friendship or relationship may evolve.  I make choices safely, and consciously for me and my body and will get to do so for the rest of my life. 

Of course, I do all of this with respect and compassion for my partner.  I would not put him in a position that he was uncomfortable or insecure.  And if I ever feel insecure, or uncomfortable I can discuss and talk to him about my thoughts and feelings.  It is open because we have communication, trust and self awareness for what we both want.  I cannot kid myself into believing that I always like his choices, nor can I pretend that who I spend time with is always the best choice.  There will be mistakes, hurt feelings from time to time, and the occasional heartache as people come in and out of our lives. 

I am in a relationship that allows me the identity that I thrive on.  I am in a relationship filled with love and compassion, joy and laughter.  Whatever the future may hold, I am happy in the here and now, without any regrets.  I am proud of my choices.  And so happy that I can now express myself fully and completely.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Bad Book! Bad!

I have recently and very begrudgingly finished “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” for a variety of reasons, but the main one is mere curiosity.  This is a book that basically changed how my mom’s generation speaks about men and women in relationships.  Whether they hated or loved the book, growing up I heard reference to men and women being from different planets often enough to finally want to read the book for myself.  I will not pretend that I enjoyed the book, suffice to say that there is so much convulsion of ideas that no matter what your viewpoint on a subject the circular speech finds an eerie way of relating to every single person and situation imaginable.  And when it does not, well “either ignore it (moving onto something you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself” (John Gray’s words and not mine). 

Thankfully I am finished as I said and I would like to summarize why I feel the book gained so much popularity.  Quite simply, displacement (thanks Addams Family for always making me say that word with an accent).  The entire premise of the book is based on the idea of blame, or shifting your perceptions.  Rather than getting to know the opposite sex, or learning to love them for who they are, the book teaches you that they are who they are because of their alien heritage.  If you are having a fight, it is because you speak a different language, and thus it is necessary to accept the differences and learn how to manipulate the situation to your favor.  There is also a little gem in there that 10 percent of a fight is based on the present, and 90 percent of any fight is due to your parents or something dark in your past.  We don’t fight because we are actually annoyed, we fight because of past events and once we look past or write a loving letter then everything will be roses.

But here’s the thing, love or hate the book, as much as I do, there are points of real interest.  For example, the idea that once you can learn to accept that you partner needs his/her alone time, you can stop taking it as a personal slight or lack of love.  Also that by learning to communicate with direct language versus trying to sugar coat our feelings, pretending to be happy or not bothered we can build stronger bonds.  These are fundamental keys to living with a partner, communicating effectively and growing as a couple regardless of sex.  Shame it two nearly half the book to make clear those two thoughts, but it was really easy read so the pain did not last long.  I am curious though, if anyone has read it, and found it to be helpful in their lives.  I truly want to hear from you!  This book after all changed a generation, and perhaps it was the building block that allows my generation to further explore our relationships… maybe.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Another Year of Blogging in the Books

My blog began over 2 years ago with My Blogging Reason, and thankfully readership is constantly increasing a I share my quest in Questioning Everything.  Relationships fascinate me, and as I watch human interaction shift from face to face, into the world of technology via text, social media, and the constant need to globalize communication, I am motivated to continue writing.  I live an open lifestyle, and my blog takes you along on my journey of human interaction, books, and social media.  I often look to history, archaeological and anthropological records to question why we are evolving away from human to human contact and what that may mean in the future.  I dichotomize that with my personal goal of meeting more people, loving more and bringing positivity wherever possible.

I understand and appreciate that many out there do not agree with my personal life choice.  Atheist, libertarian, non-monogamist, and general outside of the box thinker, I recognize there is a lot to disagree with.  I am open to criticism, challenging of ideas and of course just general discussions and variations to my opinions and viewpoints. In saying this, I am always amazed to hear that people who absolutely disagree with my beliefs continue to read and support me, and I thank and love you all for continuing to read and share my journey.

I do not know what year three will bring, or what new information I will dig up and discover about myself and the world around me.  I do know I would not be able to write without the constant support and feedback that I get, or the random words of encouragement to continue finding myself, and exploring relationship norms.  Life moves pretty quickly, so much so, I am nearly a month late in acknowledging my own 2 year blog-a-versary!

Thank you all for sticking with me this far!


Monday, 12 August 2013

Oversimplification the Norm? Relationships are Not Black or White

I have pondering how best to make my views clear about how dating and relationships are changing in our society.  Although I have not come to any solid conclusion as to whether this is going to ultimately be a positive or a negative there are a few aspects that are definitely making me wonder just how out of touch we are with our fellow man.  I have long since known about such groups that glorify pick up artists or vilify depending on what side of the coin you are on.  I have some opinions that are based on personal experiences, and they have expanded my viewpoints from my previous stance that all PUA are slimy and could never get in my pants.  I constantly am evolving my views based on new information and education, but I fear I may be in the minority.  Specifically I fear that groups the utilize seduction are becoming dangerously polarized and are missing the point of why these techniques work and more importantly overlook the centuries of research and hard work.

Yesterday I read about a society called the red pill.  I do not want to over simplify them as that would result in contributing to more polarized views and that is not my intent.  However for purposes of this blog and sharing new information about relationships I will do a quick summary.  The Red Pill ‘society’ has evolved as men’s rebuttal to feminism.  As women are becoming accepted as equal, having more places in society where their voices can be heard, there exists a group of men who fear that they are losing some ground.  They are trying to use the art of seduction, the game, and pick up techniques to bring about a new and defined purpose for themselves.  Unfortunately the majority of criticism stems from how woman are viewed in this new level of consciousness.  If men are fighting feminism, then woman stand to be objectified, and purposed for sex and reproduction alone.  I should mention that inherent in the red pill is the dichotomy of the blue pill group which arguably have features and the mentality opposite to the red ‘pillars’. 

Why does it constantly seem that society is so hell bent on putting our world and relationships into categories.  You are a feminist or a red pill follower.  This branched into you think like a red pill or a blue pill person.  Little boxes, and categories that do nothing to bring us closer together.  The aim seems to be separation, dichotomies, and a place where you belong.  With all our education, viewpoints and surplus of ideas available should we not be fighting these norms?  Should we not be attempting to expand and utilize all the materials we have available and think in more 3 dimensional states rather than this mere 2D? 

I have read quite a few books on seduction, sex, relationships, and self help books.  I do this with intention of bettering myself, and strengthening the relationships I have with those around me.  I forget sometimes that these resources can be used to control, or to create unnecessary competition between our peers.  Alpha beta battles among men, feminism or red pill between the sexes, all frame works created within the last few decades polarizing how we treat each other.  Should we not be able to see beyond the black and white?  To exist in a world of colour, where by we cease oversimplifying everything we see.  Where we accept that there can be multiple opinions and states of being that expand our horizons and challenge us to be individuals?  Whole humans, not categorized, not dichotomized, not put into labels and dismissed?  

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Blissful Oblivion and Being Myself

In my previous post I touched on the idea of not acting a different way depending on your relationship status, and instead to try altering the focus to being true to yourself, and going one step further, to be true to yourself in every situation.  This is not always easy, or even possible, as I have often found in the workplace especially.   My language and interests, including my blog and book research are not workplace appropriate conversations.  For the most part though I am focussing on developing myself as a whole person who can look back and feel that no compromises need to be made, no matter the role I need to play. 

I had an interesting discussion to this end with my partner.  Often I have found myself watching everything that goes on around me.  I miss very little as far as body language and social interaction goes.  This is a skill I have refined and tweaked over the years to be as precise and accurate as the situation calls for.  I had completely missed out on the art of being oblivious.  I thought this concept was odd at first hearing as well.  The art of being oblivious or purposefully ignoring things that just may not matter seemed bizarre.  What could possibly be gained from having a white noise filter when at a social event?  Just thinking of all the conversations and interactions that could be missed gives me a little social anxiety.  But is there a peaceful centre to be gained from this? 

Let us say that you have a friend who always says the wrong thing, is socially awkward or is just perpetually nervous giving the vibe of a social nincompoop.  Do you A) follow them around nervous and on edge preparing for damage control.  B) Stop hanging out with them because the stress it puts on you could potentially ruin your time as well.  Or C) just put a filter on in your mind and become oblivious to all the things that do not affect you.  I without thinking have always picked A, but what if the best answer was C?  In the quest to find ways to increase my personal happiness, one of the components is to not allow other people to add stress in my life.  Learning to live for myself and be responsible for my own thoughts and feelings is so important.  And looking at the little multiple choice questionnaire, it is obvious that the first two answers involve giving my emotions over to someone else.  I have been putting myself in position geared to react, versus having the control over my own autonomy.

Now although the example here is to do with friendship, I can apply this to so many facets of my relationships.  Having dated someone in my past who loved to get drunk, I rarely took control of my own emotions.  I allowed myself to follow the rollercoaster of his drunken adventures, which would often result in negative feelings at the end of the night or the next morning.  It was incredibly stressful.  By opening myself up to his destructive behaviour, I saw his actions as a reflection of myself.  I felt we were a team and his actions reflected poorly, especially when he drank, on me.  I shifted the power, so to speak on him, instead of understanding that I could only be responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and actions.  Had I known about having an oblivious feature, living life for me alone, I believe two things would have happened although I am not confident on in what order.  I would have been a lot happier, as my stress would have significantly decreased.  I would not have felt this intrinsic bond which resulted in negative thoughts every time he would go out drinking, preparing myself for the worst.  Also, having separation between his actions and my feelings would have potentially allowed me to see a little clearer into what I really wanted in a partner.  I would have allowed myself to view my thoughts and feelings on my own merit, rather than an extension of his.  I may have made adjustments sooner in our relationship and who knows what that result would have been. 

I have sought out real and true connections in earnest, with the ultimate goal being joined at the hip with someone else.  With the new thought that I can turn blinders on when interacting with certain people or situations, I potentially could allow myself more self control, and ultimately be solely responsible for my own actions instead of reacting to the actions of those I love.  Happiness can truly be in my hands with a little blissful oblivion.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Acting Single, or Not

An aspect of my life that I have altered in the past few years is how I interact with people when I first meet them, and admittedly this is still a work in progress.  I used to come off as cold when I first met someone.  This was followed up very quickly with some story about my boyfriend to ensure either male or females alike were aware I was not single.  For males, in my mind it told them that I was not looking to hook up, which of course solidified the coldness vibe.  And for females, this told them that I was happy, which turned out to just be cold again, and a little bit of a bitchy brag.  Yes, I was that girl and naturally it stemmed from insecurities.  I had no ability to handle myself as a single girl out on the town so I shut down every new possibility to meet anyone new, friendship or otherwise. 

Here is a funny/strange story which very eloquently shows just how cold I was to new people, and missed out on an actual opportunity.  It was Halloween of 2003 or 2004 ish, and I was out at the bar with a bunch of friends and a few girls that I did not know that well.  Ariel (redhead I did not know, aptly named for her Halloween costume) came up to me and tried to chat.  I pulled my whole insecure vibe, said I was not single, pointed to my boyfriend and just shut the girl right down.  I was cold, and in retrospect pretty mean considering that she did not know many people there, however despite that I showed my true insecure colours.  Here’s where it gets interesting.  One of my dear girlfriends was there and treated Ariel a lot kinder than I.  The two had a few drinks together, danced a bit, and then bam!  Ariel pulled my girlfriend up in front of me, started grinding her, and then kissed her.  Right in front of me, as a sort of rub in my nose just how much of a loser/bitch I had been to her.  And I received that message loud and clear, and have not forgotten it to this day.  On a side note, she would work very hard to hit on my boyfriend over the next few meetings, but she always did it right in front of me.  I provided the perfect challenge, and opportunity for her.  I tip my hat to her, as honestly it was one moment in my life I truly regret.  That drunken kiss at a bar, with a hot chick, just to say I did. 

I do not like living my life knowing that there are missed opportunities like that.  Also, and much less selfishly, treating people coldly when I first meet them is completely unnecessary.  With insecurities consciously addressed, I find when I meet people now I rarely use the juvenile methods of my past.  I do not bring up my relationship status right away.  Instead I try and get to know each individual as a person, have a few laughs, and let them get to know me.  Approaching new people as individuals is a skill set that I utilize in interviews, meeting peoples families for the first time and all the awkward firsts that have arisen.  I no longer use the crutch of acting single or committed.  I just act as myself and meet people on a real basis.  And of course the unmentionable is, that if I do find myself single in the future, I will not go through the whole “how do I act single again” quandary.  I will act now, as I do then, proud, confident and with the intention of always getting to know new and interesting people for who they are, and not based on their partner or relationship status.  

Monday, 22 July 2013

Jealousy as an Adolescent: Quest for Compersion

In my previous post, I discussed the first time I was given the notion of what jealousy was.  I was given this term to aid me in dealing with some mean children on the playground.  It fit very simply into the required scenario, thus no further thought was given to it at the time.  Upon further internal debate, I find myself asking, when should jealousy no longer be a controlling emotion in our lives?  Most children learn to share from an early age, with arguably, the exception of the only child and the eldest, as we find tricky work arounds.  We are scolded if we do not share, and yet it seems, praised for cherishing that one particular item.  My childhood doll, named Suzy Baby, was able to come with me anywhere I wanted.  I was allowed to say that no one could touch her, and be as possessive and controlling as I felt appropriate towards her.  She was completely my doll, and at nearly 30 I still have her.  

When I was a teenager, it seemed that possessive female friendship based jealousy was the norm and even encouraged.  It was re-iterated to me time and time again that woman could not have a triad based friendship with women, or even a group of females who were all close, you could only have one best friend.  Whenever I tried and there was a fight, I would be told, that women are too jealous of each other to stay friends in an odd number.  Also, I was never given any tips or encouragement on how to properly develop a real and true female bond, especially in the multiples.  You could have that one special person that you could tell everything to, however there was a catch to that, they had to tell you everything too so that it was fair.  And if any new female came into the picture you were to develop feelings of distrust and suspicion that this new person whom may or may not learn your deep dark secrets.  Fighting therefore begins to feel natural, and to distrust other woman encouraged from a very early age. 

I know there are a lot of people out there who believe the jealousy is a good thing.  That in small doses it can strengthen a relationship, make a person feel loved, admired and even safe.  I think this argument would hold more weight if jealousy was a positive emotion.  But in fact it is negative, and it sucks energy from any relationship.  If you react afterwards in a positive way, see the glass half full after this raw emotion has been displayed, that is amazing.  However I would argue that to have an emotion that strips you of happiness, even in the moment, does not seem worthwhile.  I can put a positive spin on almost any situation, but once I find the root cause, I would prefer to just eliminate sensations that do no yield a positive result.  I want to grow and move past, rather than remain stunted or in a place where I have to rely on fighting reactionary emotions and putting positive spin on situations.

As I write this I am nostalgically looking off into space, and it feels as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have not actually felt that jealous and possessive feeling towards either my male or female friends in a long time.  It is taking me a lot longer when it comes to sexual relationships but the foundation is being laid.  And writing the paragraph above I can really see where the origins came from and why.  For me, discovering where things come from enables me to better overcome them, also to decide which feelings should be kept, and which should be thrown away.  I cannot say this enough times throughout my soul searching and writing, the statement that is, jealousy has never once given me a positive sensation or added any joy to my life.  It is an emotion that is encouraged and taught as a child, and although I know where it comes from and why, my quest to rid myself of that and perhaps even turn it into compersion is truly coming true.  I am finding new ways to feel pride in other people’s joyful relationships.  And the ironic thing is, it makes my relationships with these people so much more fulfilling.  Our discussions are not based solely on the negative thoughts and feelings of others friends and partners.  Instead we can truly discuss real emotions, friendships and experiences outside of our own with joy and laughter. 

I am open to any stories or anecdotes that any of you may have as to jealousy being a positive influence in your life, to it bringing you joy.  Or even if it has ever had a sex positive outcome.  I would love to see the full picture, to understand if maybe as a jealous person, I was just doing it wrong.  Working towards an outlook with compersion is something I am setting my sights on.  I doubt it will be easy, but I remind myself of the payoff that will be the result.  Happiness and peacefulness with anger, distrust, envy or jealousy, and those are goals I am proud to have.

Monday, 15 July 2013

Jealousy from an Early Age

The other day I was out with a few friends, mostly made up of couples.  One of the ladies that I have known for a while was acting incredibly distant with me.  I would not say we have ever been close, however we do get along fairly well and can make each other laugh.  After a few hours I reached the conclusion without even knowing why, that she must be jealous of me for some reason.  I share this with as much humility as I can muster.  A female I have known for a few years was acting differently around me so I naturally surmised that the only possible explanation for this one time change in behaviour was her jealousy of me.

When I woke up the next morning and screwed my little head on properly, my mind started wandering.  Why did I reach that particular conclusion, why did I not just ask her what was wrong, or even more importantly, if she was ok?  Putting aside my only child tendency to be overly selfish I recalled the first time I was told about jealousy.  I like many young children was having a difficult time with finding my place on the playground.  I was being picked on by boys and girls alike, struggling to find my niche in a new school.  When I came home one day in tears, my mother sat me down and told me that I was being picked on because other children were jealous of me.  I did not ask her why they would be jealous, or even what that word meant.  Instead I accepted it as fact, as all young children do at that age and held my head up just a little higher the next day.  I learned compassion from that chat with my mother, and almost always tried to put myself in another’s shoes when they teased me, and tried to remember that if they took the time to tease me, they must have a reason either jealousy or some other purpose.  It helped a great deal at the time, although now, I am left wondering if jealousy is perhaps something we should be growing out of as we get older.

Is it really OK as an adult to believe that negative behaviour is an extension of a person’s jealousy or lust for something you have or are?  Is believing that sentiment, something that makes us more compassionate humans, or is this emotion one that stunts our emotional development and maturity?  Is this green lust merely a scapegoat emotion, that we teach our children to soften the blow of not being liked?  As adults we are supposed to have education, knowledge, and social skills to interact with our fellow man.  We have the complexity to understand that no one is perfect, and there is little to be gained from secretly desiring something from our fellow man.  If I see someone in what looks like a perfect marriage, does it do me any good to hate the person, or lust after what they have?  Rationally we know it does not, and we have all seen people consumed by jealousy.  We pity these people, and strive to overcome this feeling in our lives.  And yet, jealousy is not habitually left behind in adolescence.  Instead, many of us bring it forward into our deepest relationships.  This negative feeling, learned in childhood which offers very little benefit long term. 

I challenge my readers to share a situation where jealousy in their lives has lead to a positive.  Also to think critically if jealousy, is even an adult emotion and why you think it is or is not, which you can share with me here.  The girl the other night was experiencing something complex that chances are had nothing to do with me.  I gave it a name, a childhood emotion so I could dismiss it, sweet, simple and selfish.

Monday, 8 July 2013

An Argument for Monogamies Fabrication

For any women out there who believe the monogamy is the gold standard of living and the ultimate goal to reach in any relationship, you may want to consider some of its documented history.  During the 1830’s, in France, any woman who was found to have engaged in a sexual relationship with more than one man was considered a prostitute and could be imprisoned.  Any woman who dated more than one man at once, was not yet married or even seen on the streets with a group of woman could be arrested for prostitution.  Monogamy was the resulting ideal standard as the only way a woman could be ‘safe’ from the stigma of being a whore. 

Now think of the real implications of that fun fact.  If you truly believe that monogamy is the societal norm, and more to the point, the only way to live a moral lifestyle, know that it can be argued to have originated from religion and authoritarian males fear of woman.  Further that it is an imposed norm that has been practiced for less than 200 years (France Specifically).  Also, that the template of monogamy is for one gender and one gender only, females.  Men have never faced the same legal ramifications for sleeping with more than one woman at a time.  In fact, prior to the 1950’s it was acceptable for a man to have his wife at home, and a mistress or two on the side, while socially engaging in the company of prostitutes.  Ironically prior to the 1800’s, woman in power were documented to enjoy the same luxuries, having a husband, and then a few male consorts on the side. It is always amazing what a difference a mere 200 years can bring to our views and acceptable norms of behaviour.

Monogamy is relatively new in our historical evolution, and based on the current figures, 70 percent of men admit to cheating, and an equally surprising 60 percent of women admit the same.  I do not agree cheating is ever the answer, but if monogamy is natural for woman why are both sexes breaking their commitments in such high numbers?  Monogamy was created as a way for men to control women, it was not a natural concept researched to be better for child rearing and happier lives as we have been lead to believe.  Can you imagine living in a time where having sex with more than one man ran the risk of being imprisoned and labelled a whore?  Oh wait, this still happens.  And the most astounding point of all of this, is that this myth of monogamy being the gold standard worked so well, that woman are today’s main proponents of it.  Woman, are the ones who seek monogamy, who cling to the idea of till death do you part, and one man for every woman.  We have been falling for this notion, hook line and sinker for more than 200 years.  We are stigmatized by the fear of living life as a slut, and what’s more, for some strange reason very few of us recognize that there is an actual fight to be had.

I doubt that this post is going to sway anyone from believing in monogamy.  Instead, just know it historically has been used as a very real means of keeping woman in the control of men.  That it is a relationship norm that is still in infancy, and right now there is no evidence that it works, or is better suited to raise a family or live out a healthy lifestyle.  Rather we have centuries of evidence to the contrary, real documented proof that this is not the lifestyle that allowed humanity to strive, flourish and at the base level even survive.  Monogamy has changed how woman today view relationships, whereas men have forgotten why they put this structure in place just a few decades ago as it worked so well.  Women were forced into monogamy, but now it appears we force it on men, and it does not seem to actually make anyone happy.  Maybe I am just being cynical, but I rely on evidence and science whenever possible, faith in this social norm seems misguided and the evidence points to it being against our natural tendencies.  Is it monogamy that actually makes men and women happy?  Perhaps it is time to stop forcing this requirement on our partners for whatever reason we deem fit, and focus on more important things, like real and true happiness.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Fantasies and Long Distance

Having to experience a long distance situation with my partner has brought to light a few important aspects of our relationship.   I mentioned a few of the wonderful things that have come out of it, including how strong our ability to communicate and support each other has been in a recent post.  But there is the sexual side of things which plays quite a strong role as well.  The importance of really communicating our wants and desires while being apart took precedence in many of our conversations.  And that is no easy task for me, as I prefer to not talk and just do.  I can express myself very well in person sexually, but I have never tried to do so in an online setting. Also I may or may not have a tendency to over explain myself which I have been told makes things too fluffy to be a turn on.  Hence I mentioned I was nervous about being apart and finding a way to maintain intimacy. 

Sexual expression has had to be conveyed in the absence of body language, with the lack of physical touch, scent, sound, and the list goes on.  I was not sure I could successfully accomplish my own fulfillment with only a visual and the written word.  I am one of those women who does not like erotic literature.  I blogged about that previously where I went into a bit more detail, but in summary, I tend to focus more on all the senses at once with a mixture of memory.  To explain the memory a little further, if something in a previous encounter really turns me on, then re-finding myself in a similar situation builds up anticipation and that in itself can produce an almost anticipation orgasm, merely remembering a circumstance can overwhelm my senses.  But I have to find myself in a similar situation or close to conditions, and there has to be a trigger in order for that arousal pattern to work.  Knowing this about myself, I was incredibly leery that I would be able to achieve a similar level of satisfaction through online communication.

In a way I was right.  I had to really challenge myself to find new ways to reach a similar state of being, flat out, to orgasm.  It was very challenging at first.  And having challenges when it comes to this sort of situation is not anything I have experienced before.  And thus fantasy writing and sharing was discovered and explored.  I cannot pretend I am any good at it, having a really small frame of reference, and having never expressed myself that way before.  But there is something hot and sexy about sharing a fantasy to a partner that you trust and love, whether it is a magnificent work of art or not.  They say that having confidence and enjoying yourself are the two number one turn ons when it comes to having sex.  When it comes to writing out a fantasy, I would say trust, and clear thoughts are the main keys, which obviously have direct correlations with the traits aforementioned in sex.

Again I was really nervous about having a long distance relationship for any given amount of time, but it turns out, that learning new skills, new ways to actually turn each other on, is a real and true gift.  One I am very grateful for, and appreciate learning and exploring.  I cannot wait to see what we are able to explore once we are back in the same city.