Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Why Do I Write About Myself and Sex

I truly believe that we live in a sex negative world and this is a direct result of poor sex education by both parents and teachers of all sorts.  I look fondly back at the opportunities that I was afforded with my sex educational past.  I was lucky enough to have a sex positive mother, and only as an adult am I finding out that I have sex positive grandparents (which I am thankful for finding out as an adult and not a child).  And although I went through the Catholic education system, I always lucked out with incredibly open minded individuals who recognized the necessity to provide their students with honest and open dialogue about sex and contraceptives. 

So I recognize that many out there have not been quite so fortunate with opportunities to ask questions, and have enough educational opportunities where sex was not a big scary thing to be feared or hidden.  In recognizing these differences I realize how important it is for me to share my sexual and relationship journey publicly.  I feel that there are so many questions and issues that I run into on a daily basis, that I can only imagine what my brain would feel like having to suppress or feel guilt for even having those thoughts.

Knowing that a few of my facebook friends are squeamish in reading my posts and would prefer just not clicking and reading along is a choice that I absolutely respect.  But I also know that every so often I get that e-mail that brings me to tears in that I have made a connection with a perfect stranger because I am writing about a subject that they can connect with on some level.  I have been toying with the idea of perhaps changing the format of what I write about to be more generalized and perhaps even to use fictitious characters so that I may write about a few subjects that I do not feel comfortable publicizing.  I have written a few posts this week in this nature, and when I reflected on them I just did not feel that they did my blog any justice.  I write about myself because my honest nature allows me a opportunity to share things that I do not feel a lot of people feel comfortable sharing but have curiosity or questions about. 

This is my sexual and relationship journey and although it may squick a few of you out, I can do nothing but be sincere in my failures and triumphs when it comes to dealing with those around me.  And the biggest thing is that writing about sex is important.  It promotes sex positivism with increased education, increase communication and an added bonus of better sexual relationships and communication with our partners.  What it boils down to, upon reflection, I am proud of what I write and how I write it, and although I was tempted to reformat and increase readership that way, at the end of the day it means more to me to look back upon my writing with personal pride than just increasing traffic for the masses.

So happy holidays to all, and I will be back with more stories and tales for the new year.  

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Ladies Just STOP It!

 Why do woman think that our job in the bedroom is to please our men?  When did this happen, and why did this happen?  Is it because men are more vocal about their sexual needs and tell us this is the case?  Is it because woman display more insecurities for a longer period of time then men?  Is it perhaps that physiologically woman are more complex to get to orgasm then men?  Honestly, I do not care the answer to any of these questions, instead I just want woman to start vocalizing what they want and do not want when it comes to sex.

Our potential combination of three holes do not exist for the sole purpose of getting your man off.  Quite the opposite in fact, they are our holes and the pleasure we derive is for us.  I heard a lady yesterday talking about how long it took her to get her boyfriend to cum, and by the time he finished she realized that she did not cum once, but was happy that he was happy.  Blech!  That is not how this is supposed to work.  Woman should get their orgasms when they want their orgasms, and should not put the needs of their partner above their own.  We should not sacrifice our sexual pleasure just to please our male counterparts.  Of course some days I just do not feel like having an orgasm, (when I am getting a migraine it can trigger it to be much worse), but that is my choice and not my partners.  I would never put my pleasure on the back burner so my guy could get off.  Would a woman ever hear her guy say, “oh sweetheart, it’s not that important that I get off, let’s just put all our focus onto you tonight”.  Ok, to be fair I do know of a few men who say that regularly and you are gems!  Freaking amazing gems!

All too often I hear about woman faking orgasms, or not even being asked if they came or not by their partners.  It just should not be that way in my humble opinion.  Every person’s wants and needs should be on equal footing and the GGG of a relationship is dependent on this.  As an aside to this, ladies, it is ok to ask for something and then decide that you did not really enjoy it.  Our sexual wants and needs change, and so if we do not speak up there is a lot of added pressure to get it right when we do.  It is just not the case.  Sometimes fantasies are better in our imagination but not trying and asking?  That’s the real crime.  If you do not explore or expand your horizons there is a world of things you may miss out on.  And sometimes you find out that it is left for the pros.  But at least you have something you can laugh about with your partner.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Making an Honest Woman Out of Her

Every time I hear the phrase “You have to make an honest woman out of her” I cringe.  That lovely myth that a woman is not a whole person until she has been married just kills me a little inside.  And not necessarily for the obvious reasons, more for the feeling it ignites in me.  That painful, and horrible twinge that almost feels like it is true or could be true.

When D and I told his mother that we were moving in together after dating for 5 years, she reacted by saying that I was basically ruining myself.  She actually used the phrase, “there is no reason for him to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free”.  She was absolutely serious and would not lift a finger to help us pack and move.  I recall there even being a bit of a struggle getting her to come and see our place for the first time.  So the stigma of a female not saving herself for marriage is still one that even I have faced.  And although her comment did not sway my opinion that we move in together, it did bring to forefront what moving in together meant.  It turned the experience into a pathway towards marriage.  The co-habitation was not just because we were in love and we wanted to share our life, but rather it was a trial.  If we could live together then we could get married.  If we could raise a puppy together then we could have children.

This is a mentality I have tried very hard to shake.  At the end of the day there is little fulfillment for me in these little pre determined trials.  There is a lot more happiness in just enjoying the time together and doing things that feel good and are mutually agreed upon with no expectation.  To say, we are getting a puppy in order to trial run a kid, then the expectation on the puppy can sometimes take away from the actually experience and joy of having a puppy.  And what if you learn that your partner is poor at disciplining an adorable little monster, does that really mean that your lives together are a farce?  In the same way, there is a real societal pressure to get married so the woman has a real purpose in life.

And I truly from the bottom of my heart wish that this sentiment did not exist.  Putting aside any sexism from the statement, and just dealing with the basic facts involved.  If this statement was a point of fact, then because I am 29 and never been married I am a dishonest woman.  Because I have sex outside of marriage I have devalued my body and tarnished it, thereby ensuring I will not get married and thus will never be honest.  I hope I am not the only one out there who is appalled that such discriminatory parameters are still very prevalent in our society.  I do not need a ring to be honest, although that is not to say that I will never want one.  

Monday, 3 December 2012

Finding My Voice During Tricky Situations

One tactic that I have started to employ that I find aids me with dealing with the tough situations is to verbally tell myself that I have nothing to lose in stating my opinion and finding my voice.  When I find myself with my back against the wall, the reality is that I do not want to live that way.  So thusly saying the truth or just giving my opinion becomes a little easier.  I know that I may say something that my partner, friend, family member may not like, but if upon hearing it they choose to react negatively then that is on them.  I spent a long time being very proactive in presenting my view points in a way that will ruffle as few feathers as possible.  And the reality is, I find more and more I get mis-understood for being too soft or sensitive. 

The fact of the matter is, I pretend to be much more sensitive and understanding on the outside then I actually am.  It is of course a defense mechanism to prevent my family and friends from attempting to burden me with all the weight of their issues.  I spent many years being the shoulder to cry on for the people in my life.  It just really wears a person down at the end of the day.  I was getting to the point where if I needed a night out to vent about my frustrations or just dance my problems away, I would get two words in before I was listening to someone’s sob story.  I realized that I could not change those closest to me, so I did what I needed to, which was to change how I reacted and how I presented myself.

If someone is going to tell me their issues, then I make sure that the time spent on their issues are reciprocated.  Or else their issues are just not important enough for me to hear, or make suggestions about.  Because of these recently self taught skills, I am now on the level of learning to make my voice heard rather than just a constant passive listener.  I will give E, a lot of credit for telling me just how weak a story teller I can be in person.  For it is true, not having the early practice of talking to anyone about events in my life resulted in the first few times I did it a genuine lack of interest.  Which could have encouraged me to continue to be silent and only listen.  However with his patience and guidance I am getting a little bit more confident in telling stories and anecdotes to those around me.  To learning the social queues, and most importantly my first point in this blog, that if someone reacts negatively to my thoughts and feelings that it is on them.  My voice is legitimate, and my feelings and emotions although rare, are valid.  They are justifiable and I deserve to feel what I feel, and should not experience shame or insecurities when those around me pass judgement.  I do not judge them, and I am mature enough to demand the same.  

The risks are always worthwhile if you believe in yourself.  If you are true to yourself, then no matter who you lose along the way, you will always have your voice.  It may seem like you have everything to lose, but if you truly feel that way, then what you have may not be worth keeping if one opinion brings it all crashing down.