Follow by Email

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Saying No Can Be Difficult as a Woman


Woman are socialized to be the nice ones, the ever pleasing, never confrontational, rude or overly aggressive.  There are hundreds of cases where woman are brave enough to break that mould, I however am still stumbling and struggling with this one.  I feel guilty when I put a male in his place, and it goes even deeper than that.  Often it does not even occur to me as an option.  Where does this conditioned behaviour come from?  Why are woman not mentally trained as our male counterparts to voice our opinions and stand up for what we want or don’t want?

Here is the most recent story I have regarding this very thing.  I have been chatting to this one guy off and on for about a month from a dating site.  Finally we agreed to meet and because of that I gave him my number to make it a little easier to get together and work out very busy schedules.  So the texts started off pleasantly enough with the usual how was your day sort of thing.  Then suddenly out of nowhere he asks how my sex life was these days.  Here is the part where it did not even occur to me to slam this conversation right down and say that I do not discuss sex with someone I have not even met.  No, instead I played coy and subtly tried to change the subject.  When that did not work, I jokingly said that he sure talks about sex a lot.  He apologized for this, and I could slap my head, but I laughed and said at least he is honest.  The very next thing he wrote to me was this “I have a sexy girl who wants to do a threesome with me and another girl but need a third if you’re interested”.  Seriously yes this happened.  But the point of all this is how I answered.  I replied with “bold for not even meeting me”. 

This was a real problematic response for so many ways, I then had some annoying conversations to deal with and some fancy talking to end these texts.  When I told this story to E, he said the simplest text I could have sent to put him in his place.  I could have just said “boy I really enjoy threesomes but you have pushed things too far too fast and just screwed yourself out of a good thing”.  Something along this line would have absolutely crushed the guy who had just been so rude presuming that I would just agree to a sexy time without meeting anyone involved.  But again, it did not even occur to me to be rude right back to the guy who had crossed such a thick line with me. 


Sometimes it is easier not to put up a fight and continue the path of least resistance rather than standing up for what you believe in or more so what you deserve.  Culturally men have the ideas and opinions whereas women are the heart and peacemakers of relationships.  Prior to a relationship though I need practice in standing up for myself.  If I cannot find a way to put a person I do not even know in his place, how am I to have a voice in a relationship?  I posted about not being a doormat, and yes I will work on that, but I also need to trust that I can say what I mean and mean what I say.  No is perfectly permissible, and if a guy does not accept that then he is not the guy for me. 

2 comments:

  1. So when a person is open and honest about his sexual desires you choose not to respond with the same honesty ("Sorry, chemistry is important enough for me that I will not talk about anything sexual until we have met in person") but instead you try change the subject and hope he changes his mind about the whole direct honesty thing.
    When he has a real proposal for you, the lack of honesty becomes worse and instead of a simple "No, not interested" you go and tell him he's bold for trying – something that could via texts easily be interpreted as flirty encouragement.

    I'm sorry – blunt honesty is not being rude. In fact, quite a lot of people appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree that blunt honesty is not being rude. Hence why I wrote this post, to illustrate a mis-communication on both the part of the textee and the texter. I did mention how I needed practice in standing up for what I want and being more clear about where the lines and boundaries are rather than making assumptions that he was being too bold. I hope that clears up the point I was trying to make.

      Delete