Thursday, 31 May 2012

It is a Man’s World, But a Woman’s Playground

Recently a news article came out stating that Calgary had more young working men in Canada, with Edmonton a close second (Globe and Mail).  What fantastic and amazing news for my fellow female Albertans.  We are living in the prime market for female choice.  In saying this though, how many of you fine ladies have ever felt like you are settling?  Or what’s even worse is when you do not realize that you were settling until the relationship was over.  Hindsight and all can be a real kick in the pants.  But there is hope, and that is in taking the relationship to that amazing place where by the female is in control of her own happiness (Men this is actually good news for you in the long run). 

But wait a minute, what if it makes me happy to see my partner happy?  Welcome to my relationship pattern that I am working my little tushie to break.  I know I have an ability to make people happy, and the rub of this is that it in turn makes me happy.  I get a short sense of pride from knowing that I have been the cause and effect of that big grin on my friends face.  But it is always a short burst of adrenaline that actually results, which has addicting properties, so you seek out the next hit and so on and so forth.  Soon you realize that you are drained of all energy and have done nothing to actually make yourself happy in the first and foremost.  So what if you were a brave soul and did something for yourself, even selfishly?  Would your man want to be a part of that?  If not would he want to listen to the stories that you would tell afterwards with you glowing with self discovered pride?  The answers are very telling as to where you may actually be in a relationship.

This is something I have pieced together in my own life, I am pro at living for myself when I am just dating someone.  In a long term relationship though I get into my head that things need to be bigger, and more important, living day to day just can’t possibly be enough.  How silly does that actually sound?  In a relationship my happiness becomes the secondary objective because of fear that my partner will not respect or love me for being an individual?  I know I have said very similar things of this nature over and over, but each time I dig a little deeper into the realization of just how skewed life in a relationship has been for me in the past.  There are things that I have experienced in the past few weeks that I will demand in my future relationships.  I will demand them not in the bitchy or nagging way, but more I will demand them of myself and for myself.  I want to have my playground in my life, and yes I want the old school playgrounds that have the super dangerous wooden swings and the metal merri-go-rounds that you can hang off and play superman. 

I experienced monogamy and long term relationships during my college years.  In my mid twenties I am exploring my sexuality, and learning about what really makes me tick.  My wants versus needs are constantly being challenged and although emotionally it can be a bit difficult, the payoff knowing that I am fully satisfied in life is priceless.  I have lived blindly in a man’s world for years.  I have played the role of the stable, rational, and predictable female who on the outside looks to fit in perfectly.  Day by day though, I chip through this fa├žade a little more, and am creating my reality, my playground.   A year and a half ago I was asked about my ultimate sexual fantasy.  Last weekend I was finally brave enough to bring this dream to fruition.  I literally wore the biggest grin on my face for days afterwards, and that euphoric feeling was so amazing that I wish upon everyone who reads my blog to take the time to fantasize.  Even if you never see the dream through, at least you have taken the time to dream up your playground and see the view from inside.  Who knows, you might be willing to start building it.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Relationships Take Work

Relationships take work, but perhaps not for the reasons that we have been taught or been lead to believe because of our peers.  I am currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov, and I am amazed by how my brain starts turning when I read it.  It is straight forward, simple, humorous and often satirically sad.  The steps are perfect for meeting a guy, and yes I checked off so many things that I naturally have done in the past and present.  But the rub of it all is that when it comes to a relationship the work that needs to be put in is not the fabled how to communicate and learn to work through problems.  Although I feel this is important, it is what the woman wants and needs.  In actuality, it seems that I have often forgotten how to keep the guy hooked for long periods of time.

Here is where I am coming from.  Often I feel like a break is the most important thing in maintaining longevity in my past relationships.  But I am not quite sure that I honed in on why.  With my Ex D, the truth of the matter is that throughout the 8 ish years we broke up a total of 4 times.  After each breakup we re-grouped, sorted through our issues and became even stronger for it.  But there was something that I personally was doing without even realizing.  I was re-seducing him, making him crazy for me all over again and re-igniting that fire.  But we had to break up for me to put the effort into making this happen again.  Once he was reinvested in making me happy the relationship took very little work and communication was natural and easy. 

I applaud this book for actually spelling out the missing link here.  I have read enough books on seduction to know that I have a natural ability in my own way for hooking a male.  This was in part a natural gift, mixed with how I was raised, then added with some literature that gave me a whole new insight into the why’s and on whom my tactics work best.  I wrote about Staying Seductive, and the books that lead me to this have been invaluable and are listed there.  But there is a stress and an almost inherent need to seduce like you have never seduced before when everything is on the line in the wake of a breakup.

I had a girlfriend who told me that her couples therapist advised that every true couple needs to breakup at least once to really feel that sense of loss and bring them to that level to really work on the things that need to be worked on.  This seemed like sound logic to me, but I wonder if there is a way to naturally ensure this happens without breaking up?  I for one am terrible at recognizing when I should be rekindling things and re creating that spark.  For me it takes breaking up to recognize it.  I fully admit that this has cost me a great love, and lover.  I suppose like anything it takes practice, so I hope by writing this down and really recognizing what needs to be done in the future will help me think clearer in my future relationships.  I do not fondly like admitting when I fall short of the mark, but if it helps any of you dear readers then I have not done so without just cause.  So bottom line, work at the relationship, but also work on keep that spark and re-seducing from time to time.  The males will always work harder and make things easier for the girl that they are just crazy about.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Sex in the Media and Government

The other day I was in a Chapters and I was looking for my next book to read for both research for my writing as well as something enjoyable, love what you do right?  The subject matter that my blog focuses on is actually split up into 3 main sections in the bookstore; relationships, culture, self help (I cannot remember the sub-type after that) and sometimes woman studies or philosophy.  There is a section specifically for gay studies, for anime, the list goes on, but there is not a well focused section for sex and relationships.  I am not saying this is a problem; rather I am just pointing out that our focus as a whole is not about improving sexual wellness and relationships.  It is not about pushing the boundaries with regards to finding inner happiness and ultimate fulfillment.

Historically our developing societies had no qualms regarding sex, there were documented festivals where group sex was encouraged.  Our current market based society seems to place a higher value on the collective relationships with money than those of our sexual needs.  Social programs are being cut in an alarming rate in the states to prevent safe and responsible sexual health and activity by threatening to ban the pill.  I am just having a hell of a time wrapping my mind around all the fear that is instilled in us and putting up walls to prevent sexual awareness.  Admittedly the hippie movement was not the way to move forward in sexual awareness and I am in no way abdicating that sort of collective activity.  I think individuals are far more ingenious as individuals rather than stoned masses.  But honestly I see so many ill informed teenagers asking almost ridiculous questions about sex that I am fearful for what lays around the corner for us.  And where are the young to turn if the government will not allow access to birth control or contraception? 

Here is an urban legend article, Snopes regarding a couple who didn’t know that lack of sex was the determining factor for not getting pregnant.  Admittedly I have seen this article pop up a couple times in the last 10 years, but my reaction to the most recent one written really got my attention.  I can’t find the source right now, but it elaborated that the couple were both Asian engineers and had never been taught that sex lead to babies.  Instead they were quoted as saying they both were so focused on their education and careers that they took the literal meaning of sleeping in bed together to be the cause and effect that would lead to conception.  Some of you are probably laughing at the absurdity of that.  My rational sensibilities tell me that there is no way that society or government would ever let their control over sex get to that point.  No government would ever allow the Demolition Man fantasy of virtual intercourse to become the norm.  However why they are making any steps towards that direction at all makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. 

Teenagers should not fear sex.  They should be well educated, and provided the necessary tools to experiment safely.  Government should not interfere with this, rather education should be the responsibility of the family unit, as well as the schools (peer discussion regarding sex is crucial).  I do not necessarily think that there should be an increase in sexual discussion in the media, but there most definitely needs to be a movement from the government, especially in the USA to butt out.  In Canada we are even feeling the trickle down effects when an article came out recently that there was a bill to revisit the abortion issue.  Stephen Harper did squash this re-opening of the debate, however I think the damage was done for many of us.  Do we now have a real fear that Canadians could soon be facing the same tough debates that the states are?  No thank you.  The nullifying of Same Sex marriages was a political disaster and hopefully a strong lesson that our sexual and relationship rights should be left to individuals to make.    

Book stores do not need to have a section specifically for sexual health and well being, unless of course the governments try and step in and add a level of control or increased taboo towards it.  I wouldn’t complain of course if they did, but all in good time.  

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Sex for Thought

My previous blog certainly got some blood boiling, and perhaps it was mostly mine.  I had to bite hard not to insight an unnecessary debate and try to remain calm and open to criticism from a person whose opinions definitely differed from mine.  I try to write with an outlook of hope, in that woman should be as free sexually as men seem to be.  Or perhaps I am admittedly far too absorbed in the land of Mad Men.  Growing up I was often told that I was born in the wrong era.  Family and friends would tell me that I would have been perfectly suited towards life in the 40’s and 50’s, often because of the language I use and how I carry myself.  When I visualize myself in that time period it is often in a mixed role of Peggy Olsen and Joan Harris (Mad Men).  A blend of corporate rule breaking, and sexual fireball, making a name for myself in a man’s world.  The appeal of being a siren of character and worth has certainly fuelled many nights in my imagination.  Perhaps this statement explains a lot about my personality and character.

A few years ago my mom and I went to the ruins of Pompeii, and the tour guide showed us the whore house.  There are she’wolves painted on the walls and legend states that the women of the night would howl like wolves to attract male customers.  Does this story get anyone else’s blood going like it got mine?  Howling into the night to attract your next sexual conquest.  When I closed my eyes in that building I could almost hear the echo’s of this song from centuries ago and it was an intoxicating thought.  I am sure everyone in that building was lost in their own fantasy of the moment, and I have to hand it to my mom for being the only one brave enough to say something out loud.  She proudly stated to me that she would have been the Madame of a place like that.  For what it’s worth, if our society was not so fearful of sex I guarantee that I would be inheriting one of the most successful brothels in the world. 

I cannot be the only one who when watching all the Romanesque TV series that have been so popular these past few years, feel a strange longing for sexual freedom the likes of what was documented from our past.  I recall a scene from Spartacus Blood and Sand, where Batiatus is having a conversation with his wife while he is screwing one of his slave girls.  I found this behaviour to be hot for a variety of reasons which I will not get into here.  But more than that I would not judge anyone who found it equally disturbing.  It was a scene that elicits a gut response geared towards shock value and it shocked me through and through mainly in that I was so captivated by this scene.  

Sex in the media has shown the womanizing male, Blog, a lot as of late.  Is it some subliminal way of desensitizing woman towards a man`s supposed natural nature and tendency?  We are constantly shown images of sexually charged and in control woman, and of men who have mountains of sex for pleasure disregarding any committed females in their path.  Life seemed simpler in a time where woman could howl at the moon, or a man could have sex in front of his wife as simply as having a meal.  But truly who really wants simple anyways, it would probably be boring in the long run right?

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Sex Positive Me – Slut Shaming

In my previous post I used the term Slut Shaming, and I would like to give this concept a little more light.  Here is the link as per Urban Dictionary Definition, basically summed up as putting women down for being sexually active.  I have written about my tale of being slut shamed in University for kissing guys and the negative impact that had on me.  I basically went into my shell and decided to prove all these guys wrong and became completely monogamous.  It is a very effective tool for men to use in order to get woman to settle down and leave the dating pool, especially in my case.  After writing my last post I received this comment, “you’re right about the stigma about enjoying sex, you don't hear anyone criticize other physical activities like sports do you? Lol”.  And it is very true, at least it is now.  40 years ago, if a female really enjoyed a sport, let’s say hockey, then she must be a lesbian.  Woman breaking gender roles always seems to cause a negative reaction from men on a societal level. 

Woman fought to get a vote, followed by fighting to break free of the home and earn equal wages.  Now the battle is to have sexual expression and freedom without stigma?  I have fallen hard and fast into this very trap.  In my open relationship I once asked E if him sleeping around would have a negative effect on me from his friends point of view.  Would his friends judge me for putting up with his behaviour I wondered and would my value therefore decrease with his peers?  These are the flip sides of slut shaming that one in a sheltered and monogamous world does not have to think about.  If he was sexing it up, would it then get mentioned that I was sexing it up too?  And if that was true then of course I am a slut and he is just being a man.

But as my friend aptly implied above, the next generation may very well forget out current struggles to have sexual equality and perhaps this will cease to be an issue if we are open an honest about the sexuality of woman.  When articles are written about sexuality from 2001 pretty much onwards there seems to be a common disclaimer made, which states that studying female sexuality is a recent occurrence and that there is no previous data with which to make conclusions.  Men’s sexuality on the other hand has been explored for decades, for a multitude of reasons very few of which include increasing a females sexual pleasure (sorry of for the low blow, and yes Viagra I would argue is more for the male in many circumstances).  Woman dismissively in the sexual realm are looked upon as too complex to really study with any depth.  And thus we are left with the old adage of we always fear what we don’t understand, and with fear comes the inevitable shame.

The same can be held true for bi-sexuality for another example of fearing what has been unexplored and what we don’t always understand.  Society has long implied that you are straight or gay, middle ground is often ignored.  In 2011 a study came out that finally confirmed that bisexuality is real sexual category, Article.  How baffling though that this study only came out less than a year ago. Why did it take this long to prove something that feels so basic and simplistic?  Because admittedly when I was in Junior High I know that I thought you could only be gay or straight, and I know the words, “if he says he bi he is just being selfish by not picking a team”.  Yes I will ashamedly admit I have said that in my early teenage years.  But my knowledge and awareness of sexuality about all things was skewed as a teenager.  We believed that sharks could sense menstrual blood and that blue balls were some mythical and horrible disease that we should never ask questions about.  But as Dan Savage points out, bi-sexuality has been around for centuries and it may lie to the bisexual themselves to start being more open about it.  Pride parades threw in the straight people’s face that they were here and queer and to get used to it.  Bisexuality is no different, and similarly women need to start standing up for their sexual rights as well.

I love sex, and I love a little variety from time to time.  There shouldn’t be shame in saying that and honestly the more I write about this topic the easier it gets to write it without nerves or re-editing.  It is a step in the direction of ending slut shaming.  A step in bringing more focus towards healthy sexual expression for all genders bringing about healthier relationships for all of us.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Sex Positive Me – The Struggles

My last blog touched upon how fortunate I felt growing up in an environment where sex and sexuality was not a taboo.  Questions could always be asked and more importantly were answered in a concise and direct manor.  Sex was not a word that was feared, and I knew when I was ready to become sexually active that I would be safe and responsible in whatever I decided to partake in.  But then something happened.  Something I cannot quite explain or outline where it came from other than fear of being too sexually open if that makes any sense. 

I  also wrote about my sexuality during those confusing teenage years, Teenage Sexuality, but I think there may be more to it.  I was honestly afraid of the stigma of being a slut.  So terrified in fact that I did the only I could think of when my hormones started running amuck in my life, I created something to be fearful of.  I tricked my brain into being so incredibly terrified of germs and STI’s that it would be impossible for me to slut it up so to speak.  I forced myself to be choosy, and I was so successful in that endeavor that in losing my virginity I stayed with the same man for over 8 years.  I know this may sound repetitive to my regular readers but there is an element that I am working to realize now.  The fact is, I am no longer fearful of my sexuality or of enjoying sex.  I am not fearful of living my life in such a manner that my main goal is to avoid being known as a slut. 

I think this fear of being slutty in nature also played a large role in how I viewed relationships too.  I am sure many of you have heard something similar to the statement  that a girl being a fun party girl cannot be the same girl that a man takes home to meet his mother.  I continuously fall into this painful trap that society has created.  I am fun and outgoing, but then something clicks and I think that this part needs to turn off so that I can be the girl that can be taken to meet the family.  I have taken for granted that my playful dating nature will be enough of a memory  to sustain itself in a long term dating scenario.  I honestly will say that although I have not had a relationship yet where the sex life went away or even diminished, I can see why some may.  How can a man think of having a family and children with a woman who has just given him a blow job, and then proceeds to help his mother with dinner?  There is something almost impermissible on the grand scale of things from this behaviour.  Or is that exactly the type of woman who a man wants long term.  A female to keep him guessing and be sex positive, children or not?  Has the stigma of a good man not being able to marry a sexually compatible and adventurous female a myth created by society to keep woman in line?  Is this stigma part of the reason why thousands upon thousands of men and women alike end up cheating on their partners?

It is a tough pill to swallow, being that woman must play an almost goddess type role.  That fantasy of the bedroom and the saint outside of it can be a lot of pressure.  When you mix in that fearful slut shaming that goes on and prevents everyday woman from sharing their stories of sexual triumph and conquest, well, it’s just one cycle that I am breaking for myself one day at a time.  I most likely will not share my sexual adventures in any great detail.  But I will share how being more sexually free and positive will hypothetically improve my relationships with those around me.  Maybe society is right and I will end up alone or that Blanche Dubois character who is always on the prowl and never settles down, but I rather doubt it.  I will settle down in my own little way, seeking adventure whenever I want it.  I have felt incredibly alive and happy these past few months, there is a formula in this that I am slowly discovering for myself and I think sexual freedom has a pretty significant role in all of this.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Sex Positive Me – The Beginning

“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me.  Let’s talk about all the good times and the bad times that may be” (Salt n Pepa).  What better way to start off this subject than with a rather embarrassing story about myself.  When I was in grade 5, my next door neighbour and her best friend, who were in grade 6 invited me to participate in an air bands song for school.  The song they picked was “Let’s talk about sex”, please keep in mind we all attended a catholic elementary school.  So here the three of us were in the audition room dressed in spandex shorts, white tee shirts, and all of our hair was done up in the 90’s waterfall ponytails so we could do the spin around our heads move.  The three of us got up, lip synched, and danced the whole song from start to finish in front of a row of teachers.  None of us had a real clue about what the words meant, or about the racy dance moves that we were making.  We were 10 and 11 year old girls just performing a popular song.  Needless to say we didn’t get a callback to perform in front of the school.  I almost wish that one of us could recall the look on our teacher’s faces, but like I said, not one of us had any clue that the subject matter and dress was in the least bit inappropriate.  I did get to perform the next year though when tackling Phantom of the Opera, and I think my partner and I even got second or third place so clearly I wasn’t deterred from the previous year’s setback.

My mom taught me about the birds and the bees at 7.   There was nothing particularly scaring about the event, just a normal healthy conversation that left me without any fears of this big scary new concept.  I can barely even remember what was said, and thus I think she did a fantastic job regarding the sex and providing a safe place that I could ask questions with just minor embarrassment.  To me sex was just an activity for adults, which was where babies came from somehow or other.  Hence why attempting to perform the above song for my elementary school peers just seemed like a real non issue.  There was no taboo, or so I thought at the time.  The only time I think I was ever a little perplexed about the idea of sex was when I saw stains on my parent’s sheets.  I asked if my mom spilled something in bed, and she just factually told me it was semen and I didn’t pursue that line of questioning.  My 7 years old brain just couldn’t comprehend that concept, not in a harmful way or anything, but having little frame of reference I just left it alone and went on with my childhood.

I hope that I can provide a similar childhood when it comes to sex education for my children.  My mom may have been terrified to talk to me about it, but truly she never showed it.  She was factual and answered my questions simply and without any unnecessary explanation.  Just the base facts many of which I wouldn’t understand until my teenage years. 

I have been lead to believe by many of my peers that I started exploring my body at a much younger age than they did.  I cannot recall the first time I discovered what happened when I put a vibrating toy up against my private parts, but I recall that I was in junior high and that it was before I started menstruating (late bloomer and all).  This was a fun way for me to pass the time and it felt really great I am not too shy to admit.  I can only speak for myself, but I do think that because I masturbated and it felt really great I had no eagerness with which to experiment with sex.  I was taught that sex was for adults, that there was risk of STD’s (now more regularly termed STI’s) and I was perfectly satisfied all by my lonesome.  I read a diary entry of mine recently in which I recounted that I figured sex was a gateway to just wanting more of it and I wasn’t ready to go there yet.  I went on to say that there were far too many risks involved, and besides there was no one in my life that I was even slightly attracted too.  I must have thought I was so mature writing that. 

My last blog was really focused around being sex positive and where that possibly could have gone astray evolutionary speaking Roots Blog.  I was raised in a sex positive or at the very least neutral environment.  I was not raised with any Catholic guilt that made masturbation a sin or any of those things that many of peers experienced.  My frame of reference for this key component was a very solid one.  Understanding the roots of anything is key for exploring what is around the corner, and sex for me is no exception especially as I place it very highly in my relationship wants and must haves.  So of course I have to ask, how did your sexual education impact your views on the subject growing up and how you approached your body and perception of sex?

Monday, 7 May 2012

Prehistoric Relationship Roots – One Hypothesis

I recently finished reading the “Land of the Painted Caves” by Jean M. Auel.  It is the final book in the Earth Children’s Series which I have been reading since I was a young teenager, so one of my few exceptions in which I will foray into the land of fiction novels.  The series depicts the life of a young woman named Ayla, set in prehistoric times at the split of the Neanderthal and Homo sapiens line.  The book was set during early hunter gathering society and although sadly it did not live up to the standards of the previous books, it did touch upon an incredibly interesting topic which falls hand in hand with my constant relationship questioning.  The research is overwhelming in supporting the fact that if early humans were monogamous then we would not have survived.  Survival was hard and to this day there are still strong risks and a high mortality in trying to procreate our species.  Any of my regular readers know about my fondness for “Sex at Dawn” in exploring some of the myths around males baser instincts. 

I have written about how there is strong evidence that a males desire is in procreation and spreading his seed, whereas a females desires lie in finding the highest quality food sources to sustain life, Reproductive Goals Blog.  But where do we separate that line from where we evolved to where we are at now, that place of struggle between our base instincts and our societal norms.  In the aforementioned novel, Jean M. Auel takes the readers to the point in history where the change begins to take place between the poly lifestyle and leads into a more monogamous way of thinking.  The male flatheads (Neanderthals) openly had sex with any females who were around in an instinctual needs only basis.  The Zelandonii (Homo sapiens) believe that babies are created by the mixing of spirits and thus sex is their gift of pleasure given from the Mother for all to enjoy. 

She depicts a land where there are Mother Festivals in which any person may mate with another so long as both consent.  Sex was about sharing pleasures and not about procreation in the eyes of the first Homo sapiens.  The author proceeds to challenge the first peoples way of thinking about sex by introducing a vision to Ayla that a baby is created by more than spirits but by the actual physical act of sex.  This introduces the most feared and tabooed feelings of jealousy.  With jealousy there can be little cooperation which was an intrinsic part in ensuring that our species survived.  This book is of course fiction; however it presents a plausible scenario in which humans created monogamous bonds as an evolutionary tool to ensure that jealousy was eradicated or at the very least minimized.  When the complexities of life were introduced to a species that were just focusing on survival, we did what we had to do, we adapted.  The creation of social norms to ensure that that deadliest sin, based around jealousy was once again made taboo was a response to learning more about ourselves in our increase cognitive thoughts. 

As our brains grew bigger, so did the need for social constraints to ensure co-operation and thus ultimate survival.  I don`t know about you, but sometimes knowing a plausible cause and effect of new knowledge really makes me want to battle harder against it.  I think it is natural to grow up and move forward, thus when a society grows out of a constraint created to by us, it almost feels empowering to try and rise above such things.  Breaking free from our prehistorically created social norms, towards something a lot more fulfilling and naturally simple seems like an obvious choice.  Sex is about fun and pleasure.  We have so many tools at our disposal to prevent pregnancies prior to a solid foundation and family being built to raise children, in my opinion, properly where children can always come first.  So now that we have the technology for safe, and lower risk sex, should we not be properly enjoying that aspect of life?  Can we as a society break free of the taboo’s and shame towards having sex with multiple partners and just enjoy ourselves?  Breaking free of our prehistoric roots, in search of more pleasure and happiness in hopes that we can learn to evolve beyond the challenge of jealousy.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Shark Week

Perhaps this is one of those unwritten rules that we as women know about but don’t talk about.  Or perhaps it is something that we pretend doesn’t impact how we deal with our day to day life, or maybe there are more of you like me who just honestly didn’t recognize just how much shark week or even the few days prior to really affect how you interact with your partners.  Of course I very often share far too much, especially if I am in person and have a glass of wine or two, but let me go down this road anyways.  I have figured out a pattern that it took me to be single to really hone in on.  That pattern is this; I am confident, self assured, and feeling sexy for approximately 3 weeks out of the month.  Then BAM!  4 -5 days prior to my period I get feelings of insecurity, I tear up more easily and I have zero interest in meeting new people.  I have to force myself to be a social butterfly, and I tend to reminisce on past people in my life.  I fantasize more about men I already know and put ourselves into situations (in my mind only) where things would work out in a more long term future base.  Then I get my period and 2 or 3 days later I am back to my confident and happy self.

I have read a few books as of late; specifically Sex at Dawn, and A Billion Wicked Thoughts, that from a male’s perspective touch a bit on how intrinsically a female is more selective in her mates when she is ovulating.  That I woman will actually increase sperm competition as well, at an almost sub conscious during this time in her cycle and will be more apt to cheat or seek a mate that has physical traits that she wants versus the nurturing gene of her current partner.  This I have read, and I recognize it, but always from a male perspective.  And the truth is, although I see the signs, I guess I just never put much thought into any other part of a females cycle.  That is until the stability of having a partner was gone and I was left alone with my thoughts, and for what it is worth, my body.

I, for some reason or another like to think of myself as logical and independent.  I often kid myself that I am above crying or having a hormonal response to situations in my life.  There are current studies that are being done to test that some women actually have an elevated testosterone level that increases their drive towards competition and thus they are better designed for the business world.  I naturally have assumed for years that I am just one of these women.  That I do not have these so called uncontrollable feelings, and I have put a lot on the back burner as a result.  I am very sad to admit that I may have a few days each month where my logical side goes out the window.

I have a tendency to be more clingy, to be less confident, and less willing to stand on my own two feet for about 5 to 6 days every month.  Looking back it makes the most perfect sense in terms of avoiding risks especially.  If I had been more aware of these issues  (I use the word issue incredibly loosely), I think I would have been better able to predict arguments or times in a relationship that I would be less equipped to handle new or unknown situations.  However, being that I am stubborn and fought my own hormones I had absolutely no idea.  Funny the things that you learn about yourself when you are alone.  Based on this new knowledge though, I have a bit more sympathy for men who are trying to date women.  In general do woman really know this about themselves?  Are most of us ladies able to predict or to anticipate these hormonal changes prior to and surrounding our shark week?  I used to have a co-worker who would track on a calendar whenever his mostly female workplace were menstruating, I will admit that I think that was one very wise man.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Relationship with Parents: Follow Up

Last Wednesday I posted a blog about Relationships with Parentsand I decided I would write about the key components in more depth.  A heartfelt thank you to my dear friend who requested that I write it, and challenged me just enough that I was able to press publish.  I write to bring about clarity in my crazy world and count myself very lucky that there are individuals who appreciate the sharing.  I wrote about having two parents and the relationships that form as result, but I need to go further with that statement.  I have 4 keys players in my life who have made the most impact on who I am today as a person.  I have my mom, my biological dad, my grandparents (who for simplicity will be just one entity as far as impact goes), and I have my stepdad. 

These four players taught me everything I knew up until I became an adult, both directly and indirectly in regards to relationships.  I mentioned before that my grandparents took on the role of unconditional love.  There, so far to date, has been only one aspect of my life that I have not asked them for advice on, and that has been this blog.  Other than that, they have absolutely been a source of wisdom and support during all the major events in my life.  Next we have my stepdad, whom the two leading men in my life have both remarked made me who I am today.  With his sharp wit, and no nonsense sensibilities in approaching this world I was given a real gift in balance.  I can honestly say, that one of the things I am most proud of is in being able to choose him as a parent from the age of 10, onwards.  We stuck by each other even after my mom and he divorced and although we do not have a blood tie, I am as much his daughter as he is my father. 

Now we have my biological dad, with whom I have had the biggest rollercoaster of a relationship with especially during my early childhood.  One of the reasons that I decided to write this follow up was to share with you something that he shared with me upon reading it.  Although I am paraphrasing a bit here, he remarked at how I am able to turn hardships into a positive.  The ironic thing about him writing that to me is that the only person I really could have learned that from is him.  In watching him do that for himself when he hit rock bottom was a real eye opener that yes indeed, we can do anything that we put our minds to.  When I say that my step dad gave me balance, it was in direct result of what I had learned from my biological.  His free spirit was something that for a long time I thought as a negative, and learning from a grounded individual from 10 onwards was integral in my character developing.  Now as an adult I have learned to take both aspects of that and balance them into my character.  It took my two fathers to really teach me that lesson and I am so appreciative of them both.

And finally we have my mom.  I have thanked her in previous blogs for raising me as well as she possibly could.  I knew that I would cause her pain when I wrote previously about the relationships that first develop who we become as adults.  And she was the main reason that I resisted writing about it for so long.  I will not write publicly about many aspects of her and I, but I recognize that there is still so much work that the two of us need to do in order to strengthen our relationship. The relationship that each of us has with our mothers is incredibly critical in who we become.  And even more importantly, in how we would like to be parents ourselves.  The reality is that relationships are constantly fluid and can change from one day to the next, but the foundation and how we react to situations is learnt from a very early age.  We are a direct result of those integral people that we can recognize to have made us who we are.  It can be painful, but to take the good with the bad, and recognizing all the various components is critical to both our generation and the next.  It took 4 critical people to make me who I am today, perhaps for some with siblings or mentors you can trace back to the roots that gave you your first impressions on how to form relationships and bonds with the people in your life.