Follow by Email

Monday, 12 March 2012

Transitioning – Ending a Relationship

I titled this as a relationship blog, and now that I find myself single I wondered if perhaps this should be renamed or changed in some way to reflect my current status.  A thought though struck me; part of a relationship is knowing when, and how to end one that isn’t working.  A second part is in the exploration and finding of that new one.  These are key factors in ensuring that happiness is met at all times.  Not just in lamenting and waiting for the next chapter, but living the current one that you find yourself in,http://k-ghislaine.blogspot.com/2011/08/my-experience-in-monogamy.html. 

So let me start here with what I have learned from years of breaking up stories, both with my involvement and as an outsider.  If the relationship is over, even by just one party, then it is in fact over.  There are no magic words that can be said to re kindle that bond.  Yes, there are temporary fixes and those may be wonderful, but know that there is a time limit to them.  Something is wrong in the relationship, and if it was fixable, it would have been.  The last step a person takes it to actually end things, as it is painful for everyone, and we protect ourselves from pain.  That is one of those uncontrollables, but you can control how you react to this news.

I am heartbroken every time I hear that the man or the woman is getting spiteful, greedy or mean in the face of a divorce or a severing of a long term investment.  I honestly can tell you it is NEVER worth it.  The emotional rollercoaster is hard enough, but when you have two people who are going through different stages at different times it is a recipe for disaster.  One of the hardest things that I have found is not having my emotional partner there to help deal with things.  That is a very vacant feeling, when you are crying and your shoulder is gone.  For me I dealt with it by getting angry, and judging the ex for putting me in this position.  I say this with as much kindness as possible, the worst thing you can do though is to vent or share this with your ex.  Because you are both at different stages it is bound to lead to disaster and regret.    The sooner you can find a support system outside of the ended relationship the better.

I personally have tried family, friends, and when things got uncontrollable I sought out professional helps.  Do whatever you need to, but keep that door closed with the ex.  It’s a pain that just isn’t worth it at the end of the day.  Keep in mind too, that if you are one of those couples who are meant to get back together in the end, showing off this ugly side will never help.  One more word of caution when embarking on this ending, know that money is not a replacement for emotion.  And emotion has nothing to do with money, they are separate issues and if you cannot keep them separate, and then don’t deal with anything for a while.  Walk away; put everything on hold until your brain can process the money with some semblance of rational thought.  Ugliness comes out in full stride whenever these two overlap.

I speak from personal experience being the child caught in the crossfire of numerous divorces with my parents.  Also I learned and have had incredibly smooth breakups in my past.  Rough and rocky at times, but thankfully the scars were emotional only, never property or money.  There is no resentment, just a closed door.  An ended chapter, as long as you learn from it is OK.  One trick I have learned is to write a conclusion for the ended relationship.  I personally write an obituary for the relationship, and I write one for the person.  I am conscious of the words and language that I use, and ensure that whatever I write has no malice or ill intent.  Just rational, and loving remembrance of the time shared and what made me fall in love with the person.  It gives me a sense of closure, and I would recommend this to any person out there struggling.  It’s painful, but without closure we are but after all going through the motions and missing out on new opportunities.

No comments:

Post a Comment