Thursday, 29 March 2012

A Females Desires

I recently read A billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas & Sai Gaddam, and I would recommend it as a must read for anyone wanting to learn more about their sexual desires and those of their partners.  In my mind this is a smooth follow up book to Sex at Dawn, which I have previously recommended.  The hard wired sexual taste cues of men versus women who are much more fluid and almost have a subconscious physical and emotional connection to sexual desires.  I wrote about a man’s nature and this book goes one step further by actually proving what men and women really want in sex based on extensive internet research.  It is can be difficult for men and women to tell the truth completely, as often we don’t truly know what turns us on.  The anonymity of queuing our porn searches validated their statements and groundbreaking truth regarding what visual and emotional cues really do it, so to speak, for us. 

One of the later chapters in the book deals with women and why they seem to love and yearn for Vampires or as they call the erotical illusions.   And the reason I bring this up is that I personally shy away from erotic literature, although this seems to be the number one erotic cue in woman.  I read many romance novels as a teenager, but honestly I felt that once I experienced the real physical act of sex, that I no longer needed or desired reading about it.  But I can understand how the literature can deepen the desires and fantasies for a women.  Men are programmed at an early age as to what fuels them sexually.  The fluidity of women on the other hand knows no bounds.  This is evolutionary speaking how we co-exist so well.  But a problem can arise and this I know first hand, the desire to please our men to keep them.  There is a fine line between being fluid and in pleasing your man for your man’s sake and not your own.

Female turn-on’s range from simple missionary to BDSM and everything in between, around, and up and down.  Our bodies and our desires can be limitless.  The studies historically said that women reach their sexual peaks at 40.  Truly I believe that women reach their sexual peaks as soon as they open up and accept all they are capable of what they desire for themselves.  I know that many men find it hard to please a woman, and I will ask them if their women know how to please themselves?  It is necessary to walk the risky line of pleasing your man, and pleasing yourself.  I have stumbled and landed on the wrong side of this line numerous times and will probably stumble a few more times.  I do know for certain though that awareness about what is going on around me and for me is the first step to understanding and enlightenment.  

Monday, 26 March 2012

My Realization About Ladies Night

I am and have always been a bit of a late bloomer.  It can take me longer than most to accept new and different ideas, or at least there is a part of me that perceives it this way.  I was the last of all my friends to enter puberty, one the last ones to lose my virginity, and I have just discovered that I am one of the last to truly understand and appreciate my female friends, aka girls nights.  This seems so odd to even admit or to write about, especially as I posted in November about my amazing girls night.  But a poignant realization has brought me to a whole new understanding about the company of my females. 

I have always had my little circle of ladies in my life.  I have my cousin, who is my nearest and dearest, childhood friends, the ladies I refer to as my wives, and recently a group of amazing and strong ladies who are happy to share bottle after bottle of red wine and laugh until our cheeks hurt.  But I must admit the problem that I only just discovered, for me having women was wonderful and I enjoy their company, but I was always missing my man or the man of the hour.  If I went out dancing with just the girls, I would make sure that I was dropped off or picked up by boyfriend.  When I would go out for drinks and appetizers with my female friends my phone would always be visible and you can bet that I was flirting with someone on the other end via text, e-mail or various other forms of technology.  I always thought it was wonderful that I had these ladies to talk to, but a part of me was just longing for the sex that awaited me when I got home.

And to be honest with myself, I only just admitted this to myself this weekend.  I would have a few hours where I would forget about boys and talk about life and other various things, but some guy would always creep into my consciousness.  Of course the exception to this is and always has been if any of my friends male or female needed my help.   In this case, my full attention was and is always there.  I love the people in my life and I enjoy being a source of comfort or just being that ear to listen.  I am not completely selfish, just in the light of ladies night.  I am 28 years old, and this past weekend I just had the most fulfilling ladies night that I have ever had.  We laughed, drank, talked about boys, life, and sex.  But the difference was that I was completely absorbed in the conversation and was not wanting it to end.  There is something to be said I think for living life to the fullest.  I have acknowledged that I eagerly want to attain this in my relationships.  But the most amazing side result was that this is trickling into even my female relationships. 

I don`t think I was ever a girly girly for lack of a better term.  I have though put up a wall between myself and the ladies in my life.  For so long I have not shared anything but funny stories and the current points of my life.  To open up and share fantasy, and reality with these women and hear about their lives, wants and desires, what else can I say other than I was missing a really amazing gift.  Life does not have to be plodded on alone, instead you can share and learn with each other the failings and shortcomings.  Even more amazing though, is to have woman who applaud and share the joy and accomplishments with.  Women are not the enemy and competition that I think so many of us have come to believe throughout our lives.  Thus I think it deserves mentioning that the relationships we forge with the people of the same sex can be just as important as how we relate and react to the opposite ones.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Deserving VS Getting

Sometimes hearing that one deserve the best in life is that most painful thing in the world.  If in fact it is true that one deserves the best, then wouldn’t it stand to reason that a person should have already achieved the best or be working to maintain the best.  Further, on what grounds do people actually make this claim, is it in lamenting that things were different and that sole could provide this “best” so to speak.  

 Or is it more that this, perhaps an intrinsic knowledge of a persons own character that they could never have been that complete and whole human being that would in turn complete you?  I am not talking here about ex lovers or boyfriends.  Rather though about people that as life continues, have become so near and dear to my actual soul that the words almost cripple me emotionally.  Someone who has seen a glimpse into my soul, how then can they actually utter these words?  Truly I write this with a large lump in my throat, being that I have no idea how to react or respond after hearing that.  Does one hold out for the perfect soul mate that apparently one is told they deserve or do they lower their standards and keep the door open to all new possibilities and experiences.  If that is the case, will this person who has seen into your soul then judge you for not holding out for sheer perfection? 

I know this is ranting and I apologize profusely for this, but I just wonder to the people who have uttered these words, knowingly with the best intentions what exactly did you expect as an outcome?  Or were these words uttered simply and purely from the heart and with love?  My cynicism has a very strange way of creeping up on me.  I am having an internal battle regarding what lies for me in the future.  As always though I am open to possibilities, new experiences, and perhaps ready to admit to myself that I actually deserve something previously unacknowledged.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Transitioning – Maintaining Your Resolve

A few people in my life are working through breakups, divorces and the various likes of not being in a committed relationship.  So the opportunity for relationship material is almost endless,.  Sadly thae temptation to break down lurks around every corner of the newly single life and I would like to share a few of them here.  There is just a step first that needs to be made, and that is deciding what course of action is best suited for your particular situation and sticking with it.

The very first time I was dumped I was devastated and heartbroken.  I had only ever been with one man and that was him.  It was clear to me at the time that the only way to survive the breakup, was to continue to see each other on a friends with benefits situation.  The goal was that this was to be temporary, until we were both strong enough to start seeing other people.  But we recognized that we both had physical needs, and we knew we were safe choices to continue a physical relationship.  The thing was though we were young and had no idea how to actually see other people, and one thing led to another and bang we were eventually engaged years later.  I am not saying this is a bad resolve, and may work very well for some couples, but for me, it was a fail.

Thus I have come to the conclusion that for myself, personally, the last two major breakups I have had my goal is complete ending of communication.  It is a very hard resolve to keep, however I know myself.  I also know how badly I want to fix problems and make things work out.  To keep temptation at bay, I have no choice but to keep my distance.  In conversation today, I started to tear up at the prospect of getting back together with my ex, or seeing him on a date with another woman.  There clearly exists that emotional tie to him, and further to that end a physical one.  I am not ashamed to admit that if I saw him, I would have an enormously difficult time keeping my hands off of him.  There is an intense physical lust that is almost intensifying as time goes by without him in my life.  But again, in past experience, friends with benefits does not mesh with me and exes.  On a side note, I have had quite a bit of fun turning friends into Friends with Benefits, but that is a story for another time and place.

The other thing I would like to express is my concern when it comes to communicating with an ex or a soon to be ex.  Sometimes it is just not possible to make the other person hear what you have to say.  If communication was amazing between the two of you, chances are you would not be breaking up.  Thus accept the fact that fighting is just not worth it.  How incredible the feeling would be, to say that thing that you have been trying for years to say and finally have them hear and understand you.  But that is the crux, it just won’t happen.  Stay firm, keep the peace whenever possible, and just hold to your guns that it is over.  I say this knowing that I did not want things to end this last go around, but I am mature enough to understand that changing a person or their opinions is futile  All I can do, is keep the door closed, until I can maintain my composure (both sexually and verbally) the next chance meeting.

There are rules and guidelines to making a relationship work, but there are also rules that apply to breaking up with dignity and grace, even if you have to fake it.  Set a goal, and try to achieve it, just as with anything in life.  Something as simple as one hour without tears, gradually increase that to a whole day without tears.  Do whatever it takes, but keep fighting out of it.  If your voice is ever going to be heard, it will not be through an emotional episode or outburst.  Let what is, be what it is.  I think it is important to repeat, that breaking up is a real sign of strength.  Choosing the resolve and path to achieve this should aid you in this.  Be in as much control of the emotional roller coaster as you can.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Transitioning: Moving on

This will be my second in what I am calling my transitioning section of my blog.  I briefly spoke about how I write out an obituary for both my relationship and my ex partner.  This allows me to properly put closure upon the relationship, but I think I have to further explain at what point I complete this.  With my ex of 8 and a half years it actually took me over a year and a half to be able to write a concise and more importantly genuine one about him.  Whereas, it only took me a year to be able to write one for the relationship.  For myself, I had to be honest about where the heart break had actually taken me.  Further to this, what I had actually learned both good and bad about myself with him, and without him.

There is no use trying to force a conclusion on something if there are unresolved emotions to go through.  And I think one of the hardest parts for me, as I have alluded to before, is that finding of a new way to deal with your emotions.  Your emotional crutch for lack of a better word is not longer in your life, and thus you are dealing with a loss of both that person and the relationship.  And although I had cried out numerous times, just let this pain be over, it took much longer that I wanted to be able to find peace in the past.  It is surprising the range of emotions that sneak up on you when you are able to visual a conclusion prior to being ready emotionally.  But this pointed out to me, the very issues that were unresolved, and painted a clear picture of what adjustments needed to be made in my life.  Not to forget and forgive, but to ensure that I learned what I needed and could apply it to future interactions. 

I cannot stress enough just how important this is to me.  I have written about living a life free of regret, and having such a balanced and rational view of the world allows me to accomplish this to the fullest.  If I don’t make peace with my past actions and behaviors, then I cannot move forward.  I’m not sure if this is too morbid of a way to bring closure to a relationship, or rather to share with my readers.  But I am honest in my methodology to help me with the grieving process.  Time is an important factor and there is nothing I can say or do to take away the pain that is felt during a breakup.  Just that when it is over, you do need to find a way that works to move on.  Gauge reasonable to yourself, but seek out those in your life to give you re-assurance as to time spent mourning.  If your best friend says it’s time to get out of the house and move on, chances are your best friend is right.  Too many times I have seen women and men, 20 years after a painful divorce still bear the burden of loss.   They will still react uncontrollably with emotion, or pain, and life is too short to hold onto the past so fiercely. 

So learn how to move on, in whatever reasonable amount of time it takes you.  I know that it will be a while before I can lay to rest the relationship that I just came out of.  I still experience a range of emotion, but I am working to deal, learn and grow so that my next opportunity at love is even better than this one was.  Moving on isn’t simple, in fact I would say it is the most challenging part of the ending of things.  Breaking up is pain, moving on is strength.  

Monday, 12 March 2012

Transitioning – Ending a Relationship

I titled this as a relationship blog, and now that I find myself single I wondered if perhaps this should be renamed or changed in some way to reflect my current status.  A thought though struck me; part of a relationship is knowing when, and how to end one that isn’t working.  A second part is in the exploration and finding of that new one.  These are key factors in ensuring that happiness is met at all times.  Not just in lamenting and waiting for the next chapter, but living the current one that you find yourself in. 

So let me start here with what I have learned from years of breaking up stories, both with my involvement and as an outsider.  If the relationship is over, even by just one party, then it is in fact over.  There are no magic words that can be said to re kindle that bond.  Yes, there are temporary fixes and those may be wonderful, but know that there is a time limit to them.  Something is wrong in the relationship, and if it was fixable, it would have been.  The last step a person takes it to actually end things, as it is painful for everyone, and we protect ourselves from pain.  That is one of those uncontrollable s, but you can control how you react to this news.

I am heartbroken every time I hear that the man or the woman is getting spiteful, greedy or mean in the face of a divorce or a severing of a long term investment.  I honestly can tell you it is NEVER worth it.  The emotional roller coaster is hard enough, but when you have two people who are going through different stages at different times it is a recipe for disaster.  One of the hardest things that I have found is not having my emotional partner there to help deal with things.  That is a very vacant feeling, when you are crying and your shoulder is gone.  For me I dealt with it by getting angry, and judging the ex for putting me in this position.  I say this with as much kindness as possible, the worst thing you can do though is to vent or share this with your ex.  Because you are both at different stages it is bound to lead to disaster and regret.    The sooner you can find a support system outside of the ended relationship the better.

I personally have tried family, friends, and when things got uncontrollable I sought out professional helps.  Do whatever you need to, but keep that door closed with the ex.  It’s a pain that just isn’t worth it at the end of the day.  Keep in mind too, that if you are one of those couples who are meant to get back together in the end, showing off this ugly side will never help.  One more word of caution when embarking on this ending, know that money is not a replacement for emotion.  And emotion has nothing to do with money, they are separate issues and if you cannot keep them separate, and then don’t deal with anything for a while.  Walk away; put everything on hold until your brain can process the money with some semblance of rational thought.  Ugliness comes out in full stride whenever these two overlap.

I speak from personal experience being the child caught in the crossfire of numerous divorces with my parents.  Also I learned and have had incredibly smooth breakups in my past.  Rough and rocky at times, but thankfully the scars were emotional only, never property or money.  There is no resentment, just a closed door.  An ended chapter, as long as you learn from it is OK.  One trick I have learned is to write a conclusion for the ended relationship.  I personally write an obituary for the relationship, and I write one for the person.  I am conscious of the words and language that I use, and ensure that whatever I write has no malice or ill intent.  Just rational, and loving remembrance of the time shared and what made me fall in love with the person.  It gives me a sense of closure, and I would recommend this to any person out there struggling.  It’s painful, but without closure we are but after all going through the motions and missing out on new opportunities.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Double Standard

I have spent a long time perceiving the world as individuals moving to and fro, while turning a blind eye to race, colour and gender.  This is how I was raised and taught throughout my life that people are people and have the same rights as everybody else.  In university I took a course on Sex and Gender, and I was constantly confronted with the idea that women are absently represented in much of history as a direct result of these biases.  I will try to explain this a little clearer.  As a result of thinking all people are people, many Anthropologists have missed documenting important factors as to why specific genders took on specific roles.  Or more to the point, only looking at one side of the equation, and sourcing why it is beneficial for men to be polyamorous, or monogamous, and leaving out the benefits for women in this same situation.  The lack of looking at the big picture and all sides evenly has been going on for hundreds of years, and I am encountering to this day.

I am at a bit of a loss here for how to keep the anonymity of the main person discussed here so I apologize that I have to call this person my roommate for the sake of cohesion in the story.  At any rate, a few people have asked how I am doing as of late.  So I tell them how wonderful it is being back in school and how helpful it is to have a roommate to take a bit of the bills burden.  Finding out if he is male, the question is, does he have a girlfriend.  To which I jokingly respond, I think he may have a couple actually.  And every single person replies with laughter followed by “good for him”. 

Now why is it ok to date multiple people however when you are in a committed relationship it is frowned upon?  To have more than one sexual partner in the course of being with your significant other?  Did you think I was going to play the gender card and whine about how men can date multiple but women cannot?  Well I think that is a valid question too, and is a factor however I am more concerned about the ramifications of why things change when a person is just dating and playing the field into a relationship.  I often comment on the excitement of meeting new people, and feeling that amazing newness chemistry.  I believe that it increases the drive that you have for your partner, especially when it is only done occasionally.  As an infrequent spark, it has the potential to fuel a relationship into a long standing and strong one.  A relationship that really can stand the test of time, and anything that can be thrown at it.  Now this is only about my dream relationship specifically, and I think it bears repeating that I respect the monogamous, and the poly people out there. 

My goal towards this post is to raise awareness towards how you have reacted in the past towards any double standards in your life.  If it is true for you that the dating field should be about dating a multitude of people and varieties, how then can you cut that out completely and turn a relationship into a monogamously committed relationship?  It seems like there is something missing, some step or element that makes it true and rational.  For me, variety is really the spice that makes life worthwhile and really fun.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Intuition and My Notes to Me

So this morning I was going back through my pages upon pages of random thoughts that I have taken note of for my blog.  I was not feeling really motivated to write and was trying to drum up a few ideas to run with.  And guess what I found?  Little notes and quotes here and there, that for some strange reason chronologically depicted and foretold of my breakup.  Of course I don’t conclude that I knew it was going to happen, or that the signs were there.  But it is interesting how I jotted down little fragments of the best and the worst and the summation is all there for my reflection. 

One of my favorite things he said to me, was that he was looking for someone who can get anything and chooses to stay with him, just as he knew he could get anyone and chose to stay with that person.  I am paraphrasing of course but truly this was such an empowering statement for me.  I felt like a million bucks to hear it, but I am not sure it was ever quite meant for me.  But it was a nice reminder to see the note I left for myself regarding it.  I think it may be a mantra that I adopt for life.  There is true honesty to not settling and being with someone without any obligation, just love.

I also wrote a little note about a girl that he texted that I just never quite trusted.  And it turns out that the lack of trust created a vicious cycle that ended up in me getting cheated on for the first time in my life.  I know I have been asked how in an open relationship cheating is possible, and well let me just say it most definitely is.  You see, part of my standard is honesty.  And key to this is the openness of telling the other partner after you have slept with someone.  So if you tell your partner 6 months after the fact once you are already breaking up, the result is cheating in my mind.  That is a severed trust, that I am not sure can be rebuilt over night.  However I will say, that I did take partial blame for that one which sounds strange.  I take responsibility for pre judging this woman, and not ensuring that there was a safe and loving place with which I could openly receive the news about this sexual encounter.  But it was a self fulling prophecy in that I didn’t trust her, and thus it lead to me losing trust in my man, which lost trust in the relationship.

I wrote some little notes about tricks to staying sexy and confident during times of challenges and struggles which I hope will progress into a well received story.  But for right now, it put a great smile on my face.  And I am looking forward to putting the advice I gave to myself into practice in the dating world.  The next chapter in my life is upon me.  My intuition is usually very accurate, however I don’t think I would have changed a thing.  These lessons learned are more valuable to me than losing a few tears for their cause.  I know that I turned a blind eye to many a questionable action, but I promised myself I would experience giving myself to love.  And I did, and I loved it.  

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter

There are two types of people in this world, the ones who believe in the power of a healthy and happy sex life to be a strong indicator towards a healthy relationship, and, the people who believe a healthy and loving relationship can exist in the absence of sex.  Up until a few years ago, I had only had exposure to the first type of people on an intimate basis.  So let me tell you a story of a good friend.

He found a girl, and the girl was amazing.  They planned trips over seas and finally decided to start a new life together in a new city.  Lots of love and laughter was shared and he confided in me that he was really really happy, however there was just one thing.  He told me that he had not had sex in more than three months because he had given up on initiating it.  And he was puzzled because she didn’t seem to mind.  I told him that he had already given up, and this girl was not the girl of his dreams as she didn’t want to share this most intimate of passions.  I didn’t tell him anything that he didn’t already know or feel, just held up the mirror to the actions he was already taking in response to her sexually.  It had nothing to do with her, and her emotional baggage, and lets face it we all have it in spades.  But the thing is you can’t change a person. And most important, is that you cannot change yourself. 

The passion is either there or it is not.  If you are questioning your sexual compatibility then it is a long road ahead for the relationship.  Even questioning it will have brought to light for you just how important this sex drive and compatibility are for you.  Be careful hoping she/he will change, because in my experience sex is a very strong indicator of overall happiness and suitability I acknowledge that you can have love without sex, but the reality is I don’t feel this should be forced up on us because of a persons past or history.   It is one thing to be understanding about past events, but not knowing for yourself your wants and needs you may live with a twinge of regret.