Monday, 30 January 2012

The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Approach

I am at a personal crossroads here, to add to the complication there is another person and his views involved.  So my solution must be met by some sort of compromise as of course two of us are involved.  I do not enjoy secrets, and I know I have written about this elsewhere’s in greater detail.   Mixed with that this is my first long term open relationship and there are so many hurdles and experiences that will be waiting just around the corner.  Here is a bit of background on the situation which I hope will aid me in formulating and structuring the real issues here.  The boyfriend actively uses dating websites, which being in a open relationship makes perfect sense on the surface.  He loves the chase, the newness, and playing the game which is possible only with someone new.

I understand his desires, wants and needs thoroughly, and I want him to be happy.  My point of contention is in the execution in using the dating site.  On the one hand, I don’t want him to feel like he is sneaking around and talking to other women.  On the other hand, sometimes it is very hard not to react the way I feel programmed to react to what could be termed cheating in my past life.  I have a gut reaction and thus he interprets the gut reaction as I am not ready or able to view what he’s doing on the computer.  I read about so many open couples who go home and share with their primary partner their sexual experiences with the dates they go on.  They are open and supportive and for many even turned on by these exploits.  It intensifies the sex and strengthens the most important and meaningful primary relationship in their lives.  I know when I reach that point I will look back on this post and laugh at my impatience which has lead me to make impulsive decisions time and time again.

I liken it to meeting a guy and getting married within the first 3 months of meeting.  One just cannot have everything at once, and relationships are a gradual progression of the minds, bodies and souls.  That being said, currently I am in a don’t ask don’t tell situation where I am told if he sleeps with anyone else.  As well when it comes to the don’t ask don’t tell, I ask all the time.  I am intrinsically intrigued and curious about what he’s doing.  I want to be a part of that aspect of his life.  I know that I do not want him to only be able to share something that makes him so happy with his friends only and not with me.  But on the other hand, am I actually ready to hear about other women, keep my gut reactions at bay, and be the supportive open and loving woman that I strive to be? 

We have talked about this point, and I understand the evolution of relationships.  However I keep repeating in my head and out loud, that I want everything that I can have right now.  I want all the riches and satisfactions of where I am and where I want to be to be at my fingertips.  I rationally know that there is work involved, and emotional trials and errors.  Sadly my impulsive side may just have to be put aside as I work one day at a time striving to be the best person that I can. 

Friday, 27 January 2012

Breasts – Non- Monogamous Origins Hypothesis

Breasts are defined as secondary sex characteristics, so then why did breasts evolve?  Two main hypothesis’s exist in the anthropologists mind. The first is that men just favour women with larger breasts so that is who they mated with which lead to an increased breast size in our gene pool.  The second is that it was an evolutionary trait to attract men paralleled to the peacock and his eyelets on his feathers.  In peacocks studies have been done to show that the eyelets, both colour and quantity is a sign of the best possible mate to the Peahens.  These secondary sex characteristics have thus evolved into beautiful and ornate things of beauty.  So with this in mind it will be curious to see how “life finds a way” with all the plastic surgery and breast enhancements out there that actually skew reality.

Let’s say that men just really love women with large breasts and select those women to have sex with.  Well great, everyone loves boobs, and that would explain why breasts are getting larger, even unnaturally large in some instances.  Of course we have to balance in the additional hormone levels in our food, and our easy access to higher quality and more plentiful resources.  But what if it is the latter?

If women’s breast size was an adaptive advantage to securing a mate or even just getting his attention, it is possible that historically we were not all a monogamous society.  If women had to compete then there would have to be an evolutionary reason, and that reason just hypothetically would be that there was direct competition between the sexes.  Women had to display these secondary sex characteristics in the faces of men in order to be selected as a mate.  Thus there may have been a time when women had to compete for male attention in an evolutionary sense.  Likely to have evolved in multi female – one male societies as depicted in the animal kingdom where women needed to develop secondary characteristics.  We see examples in the animal kingdom where polygynous (one male, multi female)birds will develop very strong secondary sex characteristics to attract the males.  If interested this is a great article that explains further.  Although there is risk to utilizing animal behaviour to determine right and wrong human behaviours, it can be used and a great resource to exemplify the relationship variants. 

Personally I am far too competitive a soul to contemplate engaging in a plural relationship where I shared by mate full time with another female.  But that is entirely my viewpoint and I acknowledge that it may make some couples incredibly happy.   To me the fascination is in exploring all the different viewpoints and why as a society we favour one circumstance over another.  It’s exciting to think that we have evolutionary clues as to what and how our past ancestors lived, and under what social constructs.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Deadliest Relationship Sin

What is the one thing that your significant other would do that would instantly end the relationship? What is the unforgivable sin that would actually negate all the time and effort spent loving that person?  There are many actions that are prohibited by law that might make that list, murder, rape, or maybe cooking meth in your kitchen.  But I would argue that the first thing you thought when you read this question in regards to a relationship was the poisonous snake, aka cheating.

If this is the case for you or your significant other I ask a very specific follow up question.  Have you and your partner sat down and defined what cheating actually entails?  In my first relationship cheating was anything physical, for example kissing, of a sexual nature with another female.  In my current relationship cheating is him sleeping with someone else and not telling me in a reasonable timeframe.  I am very specific that this is our agreed definition in relationship to me, whereas I always tell him but am not required to.  So in my little world I have lived a variety of definitions on what cheating actually is.

I bring up this point, as I have read a few headlines as of late stating, “help, my girlfriend/boyfriend cheated and I don’t know what to do”.  When I read further often the cheating is the girl sending a flirty text to a stranger, or the boy getting a lap dance or even entering a strip club.  While I am not placing judgement if these standards of behaviour have been discussed as inappropriate, ultimately though I have encountered a great degree of variation on cheating.  I discussed in an earlier blog about the pain associated with cheating .  I am not trying to downplay any intentional or accidental moments of indiscretion within a given parameter.  Rather asking if there has been an agreed upon term for a violation that would certainly end the status quo. 

If my theory is correct, that cheating plays such a major role in couples ending things, then perhaps it is time to go home and have a clear discussion on where both parties stand.  If you are capable of throwing it all away then you need to establish the crimes that would result in that punishment.  And who knows what surprises you may have in store when you discuss this?  You may no longer have to lie about your porn collection or going to the strip club with the guys, or maybe you will determine that leaving well enough alone is the best way to continue loving your partner.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Friday, 20 January 2012

Sexual Compatibility

What does your sex life really mean to you and your relationship?  There are a few schools of thought out there that state sexual compatibility is the ultimate test of a good and long lasting relationship.  Without a healthy sex life, you will be missing out on some of the greatest things a relationship has to offer.  Is it as I have written before just sex? Or as a few people have said as you get older, sex will fizzle out and what really counts is what you have left when the sex is gone.  Sex is gone? Or Limited?  Oh please oh please no!

When I was in my first serious long term relationship, my mother asked me, are we compatible in bed and does he get me off.  I may be paraphrasing her exact vocabulary, but the bottom line is that I was raised to believe that sex was important.  And I, to this day completely agree with this wisdom.  Too often when I am in a sour mood, the endorphins that I receive from sex will flip my frown upside down.  Sexuality is a driving force in my emotional serenity, both writing about it, and in experiencing it.  There is freedom, and happiness in embracing my sexual drive.

So often I see and hear men and women complain about lack of sex, or the desire for it to just be over.  Ever hear, “he just won’t cum fast enough”, or “he cum’s sooner than I can get off”, or “I just don’t think she enjoys sex”.  Pure heartbreak on this end whenever I hear these words spoken.   In my experience, incompatibility in the sack will result in incompatibility in the relationship.  Why?  Quite simply, sex is my stress relief, my self esteem boost, and overall I just enjoy sharing that intimacy with my partner.  The afterwards glow, and the sexed up hair is a nice bonus too.

I do think there are many circumstances that do need to be discussed to ensure that both partners are fulfilled in the bedroom.  Without communication everything is doomed for failure.  Don’t be ashamed if two people just don’t quite mesh after the communication is over, it’s natural, and there are so many people and fetishes, and variety that yes, someone will fit you.  More than fit you, someone will expand your horizons and feel comfortable to try new experiences with you too. 

Bottom line is that sexual chemistry is very important to me.  And I would wish sexual success on all those that read my blog and want to or do achieve this on a regular basis.  Whatever you decide when it comes to monogamy, Open, Poly or any multitude of relationship types out there that you and your partner(s) are fulfilled. 

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Porn, Just Porn

Ahh, good ole porn.  I have asked myself once, twice, maybe a thousand times why does he need to watch porn when I am right here in the flesh.  Honestly what woman has not?  If women watched as much porn as men, would men start to develop a complex too?  Recently a website on finding his porn, went up. (I am not linking directly to the site as I do not want to promote it in any way).  Why all the hate towards porn?  Why did I recently have a fight with my man regarding porn?  I like to think I am fairly open minded but it still gets to me from time to time. 

So what does porn really represent to a guy and is the viewing of pornography an actual threat to a healthy sexual relationship?  So I went to an expert and a doctor for a pretty sound list. What I really liked about this list is that almost everything on the list has been explained to me in some form or another from the men I have been with.  The most common reason is that men are visual and how can any additional stimulation be a bad thing? Oddly I have found that very rarely are these people in porn incredibly good looking.  Finding distrust in a genre where people really are just enjoying the physical and are no better looking than Joe Blow is sort of strange.  Of course most have attributes that we are envious of, the biggest penis, perfect tits, amazing ass, but normally it is only one of these features.  The faces are nothing special and really nothing to get all up in arms about.  They are just enjoying on screen a very natural act, sometimes in very unnatural ways, but still, it is hard to get to critical when it really just boils down to these very specific traits that these people posses.  And porn does not usually or ever come with a dating profile; it is simply a visual fantasy.

As for is porn a relationship threat?  I think unfortunately the answer is personal to each situation.  In normal circumstances porn is just part of what makes a guy happy.  They are either open or they hide the fact that they watch porn, but bottom line they are watching porn.  And I must admit that I watch porn from time to time as well so first hand I appreciate its fantasy benefits first hand and without criticism.  I am a little overwhelmed sometimes by the sheer volume of naked women getting pounded on the screen for the viewing pleasure of my boyfriend at times.  And sometimes I am just plain old upset and emotional over it.  But rationally and calmly there isn’t anything I can do or say to change it, so might as well make peace and try to find some way to make it enjoyable for me too.  For example I manned up after an hour of silence and told my partner that the porn he was watching did nothing for me, and he suggested I pick the video.  It was a whole new world, even though I did a terrible job finding porn the first time for us it can only get better from here.

But let us be perfectly honest, if your man or woman is finding comfort in porn over the comfort of your human flesh then perhaps it is time for an open conversation about where things are in your relationship.  But please don’t install this crazy spy software if you are unsure where you stand in your mans porn collection.  Be frank and honest, and share your feelings, it’s amazing what can result and where it can take you in the long run.  After all it’s only naked people on screen doing something that we love to do and getting paid for it!  Celebrate what it can offer to the bedroom and try not to get emotional at what it sometimes feels it represents.  Porn is just porn.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

It's The Little Things

Ever just wake up feeling blissfully happy?  It's a great feeling when you just know that your path is going in the right direction.  Things line up in an almost weird sort of way.  The best part is looking over at your partner and saying how happy you are and having him agree.  Not because the two of you are reliant on each other for happiness but simply because both parties are living life the way we want to.  And it works for the immediate right now.

Having the clarity to recognize the moments of bliss and remember them through the trials and struggles really is key to being sound and whole.  The more moments that you can create each day will result in good things.  Actually great things.  I remember as a teenager my mom buying me "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff".  I read it and each day I would try out that chapter in my life.  Maybe I am alone here, but the messages just never seemed to stick.  They were never permanent and I for the longest time could not recognize why this was.  They seemed more about tiny solutions that were not broad enough to give long term solutions.

For me fixing the small puzzles in my life really keeps me motivated.  I like the small daily accomplishments, playing little mind games with myself. Things like the positive and negative comments that I wrote about recently.  Or something like smiling at the most unlikely people on the street and watching their reactions.  This book really focused on not taking seriously the little trials and tribulations of daily life, and to focus on the bigger picture.  But I am not wired that way, the bigger picture is far too cumbersome and can irritate me as I thrive little victories.  A huge war takes a lot energy and while there is a time and place, I am loving taking things a little slower these days.

So here is my question for you, what is your favourite thing about your current or most recent relationship?  What is that thing that had you waking up happy in the mornings or that feeling you have right before you go to bed that makes it worth staying, or that you miss most?

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Dating: Our Worst Fears?

I have posted a couple of times on here some dating advice, and some rules I found helpful in dealing with some specific challenges.  And yes I completely agree that dating can be a big and scary place.  This seemingly endless abyss, where by humans feel like they are in constant limbo looking to escape and find a soul mate.  Just knowing you are in limbo sucks, thus it is not a far stretch in understanding why so many of us complain about dating.  The idea of dating has a negative connotation in our society.  Rarely do we brag about dating an endless line of dead end people.  We are joyful when we say we met someone amazing.  So it is quite draining and emotionally difficult riding that up and down wave of initial butterflies followed by rejection and rock bottom.  We rush to delete that single status and jump directly in relationships because dating is hard.  But it may not have to be.

There are so many sayings that I could use right now such as, good things come to those who wait, or the best things happen when you are not looking for them.  And yes I do think that these ring true, but what are we doing in the meantime?  Sitting alone playing video games, or dressing up and walking around the mall hoping for serendipity to occur?  Maybe for a short time, but a better use of our time is to start dating.  This world of dating is so much more than just meeting your “one true love”; it's about honing up on our social skills, small talk interactions, and working on our people filters.  These skills are so much more valuable than just picking up; you can meet some amazing people.  As well your interactions at the workplace and networking skills will improve as a result. 

Look at the big picture when it comes to dating, as it is not just about voiding the loneliness.  But rather about the skills that you will pick up so much quicker and are able to apply to various aspects of your life.  It is more than just learning positive social skills, it is also about learning how to deal and react with negative ones.  If a person is rude and condescending, use the advantage of this being a perfect stranger to watch how you react and then deal with them.  This will directly transfer into the workplace if you ever have a boss that treats you with little or no respect.  Or how about a person who is an emotional train-wreck?  Figure out how best you handle dealing with them, work on not playing into their games which will help immensely if you have a family member who suffers from poor me syndrome.  It sounds cynical, but use the situation that you find yourself in to the positive.  Benefit from all these strangers surrounding you and work on your BS filter or any other skill that you know you lack.  Dating then evolves from this terrifying world with only one true purpose into making you a more stable individual who can adapt and work effectively in a variety of situations.

So my dear friends who have found themselves single for the New Year, I hope I have offered some encouragement to dating.  And may this New Year find you the happiest and most fulfilled even during times of stress and adversity.  Life after all keeps moving forward and rolling and adapting is what we humans are best at.  And of course if you really want to take dating to the next level, I would recommend searching some dating expert books.  I am happy to e-mail you a few of my favorites if you are curious J

Monday, 9 January 2012

Q.E. - Nature and Nurture

When I was in grade school I remember learning about the debate surrounding nature versus nurture and how the scientific community was working on research with twins to prove if genetics stand alone in a persons predisposition.  Imagine my surprise to learn in a university course that this debate is no longer an issue.  In fact scientists have determined that the code is genetic, environmental and developmental and not just any sole area, working together to form our genetic disposition.  Aside from feeling a little old at having lived through a theory and an actual solution in my lifetime it also gives me amazing hope at finding the answers in my own life.

Let me share with you the question that I have been thinking about this last year, thus making an impact on my belief system.  How much time do you currently exert on your partners happiness.  Or to put another way, how much time do you invest in measuring your own happiness based on your partners emotional level.  I spent the last two days in personal reflection mode, whereby I kept track on day one of all of my negative comments.  On day two I kept track of all the positive comments that I made (which was even more interesting as I was moderately hungover).  When I took a long hard look at my results it was very eye opening as to whom my negative and or positive comments were geared and directed.  So then where do I take this information in relation to my blog?  Why of course in the direction of what my relationship status is compared to my previous long term one. 

I have written on my happiness.  And I work daily to ensure that I am responsible for my own happiness, and games like this really eye open for me my strengths and weakness’.  I happily report that shifting the focus onto positive comments about myself and those around has improved my personal relationships without even trying.  Confident and sexy me, is the only focus I need to have as the rest is a very happy result.  I took a risk and shifted my train of thought onto doing things that I enjoy and enhancing to my life.  I no longer sit watching my partner, wondering if he’s happy.  Wondering if he is faithful, or willing to stay with me long term, and a million other things that have gone through my head.  I wasted years of energy on this battle and let me assure you I found no winners, or even answers, just more painful questions. 

We are a result of our genes, our environment, and our development, and I cannot stress just how amazingly important this is.  I am not plagued by the same plagues of my family.  I am an individual result of everything that surrounds me and has the capacity to influence me.  I gained to much in changing a focus that was instilled since I was a little girl, “how to please your man”.  For my this was my biggest downfall, as I was not pleasing myself first.  When I was in a funk I relied on someone else to get me out of it, rather than knowing myself through and through.  How much benefit would there be to you to not worry or stress about someone that you will never be able to control?  For me the answer is priceless.  At the end of the day, there is me and only me.  I nurture my own destiny as an adult, and of course questioning everything around me.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

A New Year and New Challenges

I wrote a blog in anger, and as a result I will not link to although it did receive more comments than any other I have written.  Thus I have not been able to write for the past few days.  However in working through how I was going to resolve or let go of an issue that has burdened me for years I started working towards a revelation of such.  I had no idea how much my view point changed when it came to open relationships and how it actually has altered the way I deal with my family.  I remember receiving harsh criticism for not having my biological dad in my life as an active member and how hard it was for many in my life to accept.  However this was a choice that was made out of years of issues and pain.  I broke the mould in my household by taking a stance and choosing what was right for me at the time and not the expectation.

I have been raised to believe through and through that you must accept your family for what they are.  To take in stride their faults and strengths which I have gone into great detail previously here However why does this have to be the case.  If someone whom you share blood with treats you poorly and causes you undue stress and pain, why is the expectation to constantly forgive and forget?  If it was a chosen relationship the advice that you would receive would be to cut that person out of your life, but when it comes to family we are given different advice.  So does that then mean that family has free reign to treat it’s members in any fashion that they see fit?   How can that possibly be fair, or healthy for that matter?  I have spent the past week trying to analyze the bigger picture surrounding challenging societal norms and living to find my own happiness.  Unfortunately there is a price to pay for such things. And I publicly announce that I am finished fighting for what I deserve when it comes to my family.  After 28 years it turns out that I will be treated the same no matter what choices or responses I try to cleverly come up with.  I need to start focusing on the bigger picture and see how this affects my personal life and happiness and make choices towards that and not my own ego or sense of purpose.

How we relate to our family plays a critical role in how we behave and relate in our chosen relationships.  I know I have said time and time again that I will do things this way or that way when I have kids.  And I don`t know anyone out there who has not said similar things as we constantly evolve and change our ideas.  Knowledge is fluid and with that we are able to adapt to our surroundings in such an amazing way.  The ability to learn and grow, while questioning all that surrounds up are words I repeat again and again.  But there is an added point to that, it`s wonderful to grow and learn, but you also have to admit when you are wrong.  It takes a very confident and strong person to admit when they are wrong and put their stubbornness aside for the bigger picture.  So here I start the new year wondering if this will be a year filled with support or continued resistance to me voicing my opinions?