Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Why Do I Write About Myself and Sex

I truly believe that we live in a sex negative world and this is a direct result of poor sex education by both parents and teachers of all sorts.  I look fondly back at the opportunities that I was afforded with my sex educational past.  I was lucky enough to have a sex positive mother, and only as an adult am I finding out that I have sex positive grandparents (which I am thankful for finding out as an adult and not a child).  And although I went through the Catholic education system, I always lucked out with incredibly open minded individuals who recognized the necessity to provide their students with honest and open dialogue about sex and contraceptives. 

So I recognize that many out there have not been quite so fortunate with opportunities to ask questions, and have enough educational opportunities where sex was not a big scary thing to be feared or hidden.  In recognizing these differences I realize how important it is for me to share my sexual and relationship journey publicly.  I feel that there are so many questions and issues that I run into on a daily basis, that I can only imagine what my brain would feel like having to suppress or feel guilt for even having those thoughts.

Knowing that a few of my facebook friends are squeamish in reading my posts and would prefer just not clicking and reading along is a choice that I absolutely respect.  But I also know that every so often I get that e-mail that brings me to tears in that I have made a connection with a perfect stranger because I am writing about a subject that they can connect with on some level.  I have been toying with the idea of perhaps changing the format of what I write about to be more generalized and perhaps even to use fictitious characters so that I may write about a few subjects that I do not feel comfortable publicizing.  I have written a few posts this week in this nature, and when I reflected on them I just did not feel that they did my blog any justice.  I write about myself because my honest nature allows me a opportunity to share things that I do not feel a lot of people feel comfortable sharing but have curiosity or questions about. 

This is my sexual and relationship journey and although it may squick a few of you out, I can do nothing but be sincere in my failures and triumphs when it comes to dealing with those around me.  And the biggest thing is that writing about sex is important.  It promotes sex positivism with increased education, increase communication and an added bonus of better sexual relationships and communication with our partners.  What it boils down to, upon reflection, I am proud of what I write and how I write it, and although I was tempted to reformat and increase readership that way, at the end of the day it means more to me to look back upon my writing with personal pride than just increasing traffic for the masses.

So happy holidays to all, and I will be back with more stories and tales for the new year.  

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Ladies Just STOP It!

 Why do woman think that our job in the bedroom is to please our men?  When did this happen, and why did this happen?  Is it because men are more vocal about their sexual needs and tell us this is the case?  Is it because woman display more insecurities for a longer period of time then men?  Is it perhaps that physiologically woman are more complex to get to orgasm then men?  Honestly, I do not care the answer to any of these questions, instead I just want woman to start vocalizing what they want and do not want when it comes to sex.

Our potential combination of three holes do not exist for the sole purpose of getting your man off.  Quite the opposite in fact, they are our holes and the pleasure we derive is for us.  I heard a lady yesterday talking about how long it took her to get her boyfriend to cum, and by the time he finished she realized that she did not cum once, but was happy that he was happy.  Blech!  That is not how this is supposed to work.  Woman should get their orgasms when they want their orgasms, and should not put the needs of their partner above their own.  We should not sacrifice our sexual pleasure just to please our male counterparts.  Of course some days I just do not feel like having an orgasm, (when I am getting a migraine it can trigger it to be much worse), but that is my choice and not my partners.  I would never put my pleasure on the back burner so my guy could get off.  Would a woman ever hear her guy say, “oh sweetheart, it’s not that important that I get off, let’s just put all our focus onto you tonight”.  Ok, to be fair I do know of a few men who say that regularly and you are gems!  Freaking amazing gems!

All too often I hear about woman faking orgasms, or not even being asked if they came or not by their partners.  It just should not be that way in my humble opinion.  Every person’s wants and needs should be on equal footing and the GGG of a relationship is dependent on this.  As an aside to this, ladies, it is ok to ask for something and then decide that you did not really enjoy it.  Our sexual wants and needs change, and so if we do not speak up there is a lot of added pressure to get it right when we do.  It is just not the case.  Sometimes fantasies are better in our imagination but not trying and asking?  That’s the real crime.  If you do not explore or expand your horizons there is a world of things you may miss out on.  And sometimes you find out that it is left for the pros.  But at least you have something you can laugh about with your partner.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Making an Honest Woman Out of Her

Every time I hear the phrase “You have to make an honest woman out of her” I cringe.  That lovely myth that a woman is not a whole person until she has been married just kills me a little inside.  And not necessarily for the obvious reasons, more for the feeling it ignites in me.  That painful, and horrible twinge that almost feels like it is true or could be true.

When D and I told his mother that we were moving in together after dating for 5 years, she reacted by saying that I was basically ruining myself.  She actually used the phrase, “there is no reason for him to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free”.  She was absolutely serious and would not lift a finger to help us pack and move.  I recall there even being a bit of a struggle getting her to come and see our place for the first time.  So the stigma of a female not saving herself for marriage is still one that even I have faced.  And although her comment did not sway my opinion that we move in together, it did bring to forefront what moving in together meant.  It turned the experience into a pathway towards marriage.  The co-habitation was not just because we were in love and we wanted to share our life, but rather it was a trial.  If we could live together then we could get married.  If we could raise a puppy together then we could have children.

This is a mentality I have tried very hard to shake.  At the end of the day there is little fulfillment for me in these little pre determined trials.  There is a lot more happiness in just enjoying the time together and doing things that feel good and are mutually agreed upon with no expectation.  To say, we are getting a puppy in order to trial run a kid, then the expectation on the puppy can sometimes take away from the actually experience and joy of having a puppy.  And what if you learn that your partner is poor at disciplining an adorable little monster, does that really mean that your lives together are a farce?  In the same way, there is a real societal pressure to get married so the woman has a real purpose in life.

And I truly from the bottom of my heart wish that this sentiment did not exist.  Putting aside any sexism from the statement, and just dealing with the basic facts involved.  If this statement was a point of fact, then because I am 29 and never been married I am a dishonest woman.  Because I have sex outside of marriage I have devalued my body and tarnished it, thereby ensuring I will not get married and thus will never be honest.  I hope I am not the only one out there who is appalled that such discriminatory parameters are still very prevalent in our society.  I do not need a ring to be honest, although that is not to say that I will never want one.  

Monday, 3 December 2012

Finding My Voice During Tricky Situations

One tactic that I have started to employ that I find aids me with dealing with the tough situations is to verbally tell myself that I have nothing to lose in stating my opinion and finding my voice.  When I find myself with my back against the wall, the reality is that I do not want to live that way.  So thusly saying the truth or just giving my opinion becomes a little easier.  I know that I may say something that my partner, friend, family member may not like, but if upon hearing it they choose to react negatively then that is on them.  I spent a long time being very proactive in presenting my view points in a way that will ruffle as few feathers as possible.  And the reality is, I find more and more I get mis-understood for being too soft or sensitive. 

The fact of the matter is, I pretend to be much more sensitive and understanding on the outside then I actually am.  It is of course a defense mechanism to prevent my family and friends from attempting to burden me with all the weight of their issues.  I spent many years being the shoulder to cry on for the people in my life.  It just really wears a person down at the end of the day.  I was getting to the point where if I needed a night out to vent about my frustrations or just dance my problems away, I would get two words in before I was listening to someone’s sob story.  I realized that I could not change those closest to me, so I did what I needed to, which was to change how I reacted and how I presented myself.

If someone is going to tell me their issues, then I make sure that the time spent on their issues are reciprocated.  Or else their issues are just not important enough for me to hear, or make suggestions about.  Because of these recently self taught skills, I am now on the level of learning to make my voice heard rather than just a constant passive listener.  I will give E, a lot of credit for telling me just how weak a story teller I can be in person.  For it is true, not having the early practice of talking to anyone about events in my life resulted in the first few times I did it a genuine lack of interest.  Which could have encouraged me to continue to be silent and only listen.  However with his patience and guidance I am getting a little bit more confident in telling stories and anecdotes to those around me.  To learning the social queues, and most importantly my first point in this blog, that if someone reacts negatively to my thoughts and feelings that it is on them.  My voice is legitimate, and my feelings and emotions although rare, are valid.  They are justifiable and I deserve to feel what I feel, and should not experience shame or insecurities when those around me pass judgement.  I do not judge them, and I am mature enough to demand the same.  

The risks are always worthwhile if you believe in yourself.  If you are true to yourself, then no matter who you lose along the way, you will always have your voice.  It may seem like you have everything to lose, but if you truly feel that way, then what you have may not be worth keeping if one opinion brings it all crashing down.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Ahhh Pickup Lines

When I was in junior high, one of the boys in the school said to me at a band concert, “why don’t you sit on my lap and see what pops up”.  I was mortified, but not because I had any clue what he meant by that statement, but rather the implication that it must be vulgar in some way.  My girlfriends and I never talked to each other in one line banter, so it was dismissed as disgusting and I proceeded to avoid this guy.  Which of course being in junior high my running away from him only made him chase me more, ah the clueless of youth.  Now to this day, I wish this clueless mentality had worn off, and yet men are still using pickup lines on me and I am still confused by them.

Last weekend, I had a guy approach me to ask where the washroom was, then proceed to try and chat me up in a number of different ways.  None of which worked including “you look like the type of girl who enjoys football” (no I was not wearing a jersey or anything of the sort).  Did I react with some witty banter, or tell him to get lost as years of “practice” should have taught me?  Oh no, I sat there just hoping the guy would get the hint with one word answers, and when that failed I pulled out my phone and completely ignored him until he went away.  I could not muster up the words to say flatly that I was not interested, or that he was creeping me out.  Oh no, I did the passive aggressive pretend he wasn’t there, my modern day version of just running away. 

Is this a direct result of woman being cultured to be far too polite for their own goods?  When I re-iterated this story to some male friends, they naturally asked why I did not just say screw off.  And of course that is what I should have done, but the guy was in no way rude or abrasive so I just could not bring myself to be outright rude to him.  But as with every pickup line, the guys have a motive behind them whether vulgar, or sweet.  They are opening you up to a conversation, and for some damn reason I still feel uncomfortable after all these years speaking my mind to a complete stranger who means absolutely nothing to me.

I guess my inability to react in a rational way to pickup lines is just one of the reasons that guys still try and use them.  And I am sorry to all my female friends out there, that I have done absolutely nothing to call out the douche, who uses them in a creepy way.  I will try in future if for nothing else than to prevent somebody else feeling that uncomfortable skin crawling feeling when some stranger uses an unwelcome one liner.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Fictitious Dating Profiles

A small inconsistency that I have encountered in the dating world is misrepresentation by men.  In that I mean, men using fake pictures and profiles to entice woman.  Now I am all for privacy, and keeping your personal life separate from your online life, but when it comes time to online dating the lines get blurry.  It feels downright dangerous meeting a guy who looks absolutely nothing like his picture, or is a good 5 inches shorter than on his profile.  These may seem like superficial things, but it begs the question, if they lied about something so blatantly obvious then what else are they lying about?  Do they actually have 5 kids under the age of 5, living off of welfare, and a dungeon type playroom that they want their new partner to just stumble upon?

It is all a matter of safety and personal preference, but it puzzles me in that men are very visual in their sexual needs.  So if they have a picture of them selves that represents a tall, 6 packed Greek god type persona, and in reality they are short, pudgy, and balding, it makes me wonder just how skewed their reality really is.  Yes we can all fantasize that we look a certain way, and perhaps this image is more of a goal than just craziness, but it is hard to give someone a second chance when they have such bold image misrepresentation. 

I read men complain all the time that woman never write them back.  I have read articles where men test the superficiality of woman by setting up multiple profiles with various paying careers listed and track the variances of responses.  Unsurprisingly the higher paying jobs the more interest, so yes woman seek financial security as a primary dating characteristic.  The lesson learned from this should not be that woman are superficial, and only go after the rich.  Rather that woman may find you less attractive if you are in your 40’s working minimum wage and hate your job.  No fake pictures and profiles are needed if you work a job for less money, but absolutely love what you do and your passion shines through.  Work life balance is taking on more importance than 6 figures.  And yes it is all about how you sell yourself, if anything under promise and over deliver as the other way around is creepy at best.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Effort is An Opportunity Area

It really seems like the vast amount of men feel like getting laid should be a privilege with minimal work and effort required.  I am not saying this to whine and complain, more to point out that there is a huge opportunity for men to rise to the top.  The men that stand out in my mind are the men who made an effort to try and get to know me, to remember things about me, and in action do what I like.  It seems like a pretty basic and simple concept, but it is astounding just how often this is forgotten.  I see so many woman do back flips to try and please their men.  To dress the way they like, cook their favorite foods, and to fulfill every fantasy they have.  All the while keeping silent in the fact that there is rarely reciprocation.  It is no wonder that we have such a broad gender gap with men expecting this type of treatment and woman not speaking up nearly enough to have their needs met.

This is a two way street, and I think a little more effort from the male side of things would go such a long way.  Men in general are selfish, and this is coming from an only child so I know my kind pretty accurately.  And selfishness can be a good thing, it means you know how to ask and ensure that you get what you want.  If those needs are not being met, you love yourself enough to change the situation.  Giving selflessly is not an option, there is acknowledgement that in giving you know you will get more in the long run.  But this is a point that I think needs more reminding.  There are times when givers receive much more, than the takers.  It’s a balance game, and it is remarkably simple if you look more long term and less immediate gains, such as just getting laid that one time. 

There is a very popular dating site that I frequent, and I would say that a good 70 percent of new male users have something negative in their profile.  Something along the lines of just checking this out, do not have much hope that I will find something meaningful, and the always depressing “ok, this is my last shot on here”.  What this message portrays is that you will put no effort into finding a girl, and furthermore you are questioning what type of woman would frequent this place.  Woman have long, thoughtful profiles, the effort put into theirs is much more noticeable.  Many even go so far overboard that they list activities that they know will appeal to men.  It is no secret that woman are a lot more fluid in their likes and dislikes, often times gaining so much from the push a man provides.  In my own case with skydiving, it is not a sport I would have ever given serious thought about, but here I am loving it taking every opportunity to get better at it.  But I needed that push, and woman play this game well.  Showing interest, trying new things and often liking them much more than they ever would have thought.  It just would be nice if men played back a little more often, but I suppose the men who do not already know that are not worth the pursuit or maybe just needed a little reminder.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Monogamy Seems Much Less Normal Now

I grew up in an environment where I was outside of the norm.  The majority of my friends lived with their mother and their father, where as I lived with my mother and my step dad.  The natural inquiry was always to ask where my real dad was.  And I would answer that I lived with my dad, and I did not know where my biological was.  It made a complex situation a little clearer, as the idea of having two male figures was not accepted by either my friends, and sometimes even my family. It was not until my grad banquet from high school that I even officially “came out” so to speak as to having two fathers.  And I did it in a symbolic way, by dancing with both of them together during the father daughter dance.  It was not the most co-ordinated dancing, more of a ring around the rosy time event, but it certainly made an impression on many of the catholic parents that were watching.

But in my mind, growing up, I always felt like an outsider.  That my family was just not like everybody else’s and that I needed to keep quiet about what my home life was really like.  As I do more and more research into different relationships types it is becoming clear that monogamy has a mystical quality to it.  Monogamy is more of an illusion rather than a natural norm.  It is a pedestal that humans really do not ever get to stand on and yet publicly most say that they do.  But what if more of us became brave and started questioning what monogamy has really done for us.  What real benefits does it provide?  Are you happier having to stifle and suppress your mutual lust for that person you see every year at that convention?  What is normal about containing feelings of happiness in order to fit into society and keep sex for only one person until the day you die?

I think there is a trick that we play on our minds to reward us when we stay away from temptation.  That conviction that we are better and stronger for avoiding that amazing piece of strange, and somehow overcome our baser instincts for even a moment.  I do not mean to imply that you should sleep with everything that gives you a second glance, but I am saying that the feelings of guilt that arise from temptations are just not healthy.  I was a victim of this mentality for a very long time, in fact I took monogamy so seriously that it would even play a role in my fantasy life.  If I was thinking about sleeping with someone other than my ex D, I would actually have to first create a premise whereby he died, or somehow gave me permission to fulfill my fantasy.  There were monogamous restrictions within my own mind, and daydream world.  How can that possibly be healthy?  Or the other extreme whereby you can think and do any number of sordid things in your imagination, so much so that you are not really present when having that vanilla sex that you deem acceptable to society.

I struggle to understand why our society tries to tell us that feelings that are good are bad, and feelings of suppression and submissiveness are good.  The idea that our base instincts are thing that need to be overcome, rather than enjoyed and explored.  Media is constantly persecuting celebrities and people in power for having affairs, and trysts outside of their marriages.  These people are publicly shamed for having consensual sex, and families are destroyed in the wake.  I have yet to see a wife stand up and say that they were in an open relationship and she has some strange on the side too.  When that day happens some real ground will be made.  And there will be a positive movement to breaking the restrictions and guilt that coincide with monogamy.  Monogamy is a freedom, and should be mutually decided by two people, and not the expectation. 

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Keep the Spontaneity

Ever find yourself trying far too hard to perfectly orchestrate the most intimate or exciting sexual tryst?  Well I have and it is exhausting and just never seems to go as planned.  The most exciting adventures have been those that have been a little more last minute, a little more spontaneous than planned.  I get wrapped up in the details and getting everything just right, and people just do not seem designed for that.  I find that the most excitement comes from taking a step back and letting a certain amount of pieces fall where they may.

A perfect example is sex in the great outdoors.  Quite frankly, living in Calgary, it is damn near impossible to plan ahead of time.  The perfect opportunities for the people very often clash with what the weather decides to do.  To this day, I have not once had an outdoor excursion go to plan if ever decided on more than an hour in advance… well except for that one time on the roof. 

Then there is event or birthday sex.  We all know the special events that come around every year, and I hazard a guess that very few of us can say that every year on our birthday the sex is more amazing then at any other time.  Why?   Because it is a planned event.  There is so much going on, such as a big meal, social obligations and time constraints that sex usually has to fit in around.  I have learned over the years to simply take sex as a highlight off the table, and to stop putting so much damn pressure on it.  If something is going to happen that is noteworthy, it works better for me a few days away from the birthday or other event.  It takes the pressure off and eases things.  There are of course exceptions to this rule, but for the most part the planning of something sexy and special on a day that already has so much going on, tends to fail.  

So try to keep it spontaneous, lower the expectations and planning.  Keep it spicy with surprises and unique ideas every so often.  And if things fall through, be sure to laugh about it and not hold a grudge.  Sex is silly, and fun, nothing to get too uptight or worked up about. 

Friday, 9 November 2012

My Irrational Fears of Sex Stores

When I was in my early 20’s the idea of even walking into a sex store terrified me.  My boyfriend at the time would have to go in alone and I would literally hide in the car so that no one could see me.  After a few visits I would ask him to go inside and tell me if there was anyone creepy before I would go inside. Then one magical day I mustered up the courage to go and look inside.  I touched NOTHING and barely even looked at anything.   I was twitchy and grouchy, begging to leave as soon as possible.  Completely insecure about what I was surrounded by and having no concept about the added pleasure that items in the sex store could provide.  I felt a real threat by inanimate objects, and I bet I am not the only one out there who has felt like this at one time or another.

What really helped me loosen up was of all things, going to a sex toy party with my mom.  I was squeamish and a little icked out.  But all in all, I was surrounded by woman who were laughing, drinking wine, and celebrating their sexuality.  We were all laughing at the ridiculous tingling creams, tasting the flavored lubes, and egging each other on to make purchases that would make our men swoon.  It was amazingly liberating.  Sex toys became fun, and were explained to me in a really fun and friendly environment.  The woman at the party varied in ages from early 20’s (myself) all the way up to mid 60’s.  And each and everyone there was having fun.  Even the most timid woman who was in her 40’s surprised us all by bravely sampling the newest jelly concoction to increase the fires below. 

After that point, my very irrational fears started to diminish.  The thing that was never explained to me was suddenly shown in a really sex positive format.  I wrongly had perceived sex toys as something used when things were not working, rather than aids to make things even better or just add some variety.  I went from hiding in the back of my car at sex stores, to the woman here, writing about my relationships and things that give me joy from a sexual perspective.  I have made quite the journey so far, and in my estimation it just keeps getting better and better the more open to new possibilities that I become.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

The Illusion of Stability

I can almost always see both sides to every discussion.  It is a quality that I really like about myself although it has come across as indecisive or look like I am irresolute in my convictions.  Recently I had that discussion about where are we going, and where are we at with E.  It is a conversation that I know men do not enjoy and yet it seems that women in general just cannot help but have from time to time.  I know I like the fantasy of stability, and security.  I would like to know that I have a partner who is with me and I can openly talk to and lean on in times of trouble as well as share my joys with.  I believe in working on a strong foundation in a relationship and that makes living an open lifestyle easier and more fulfilling.

My perspective however is not shared, and it is not the first time I have heard this.  The male mentality of things are going good why change things is often infuriating to hear.  I am a person who sets goals for the future, plans, and enjoys working on things and making relationships better.   Although I have done a tone of soul searching and found the benefits of living in the moment, inherently I like targets.  I do not like living in a linear feeling situation, I would much rather have little hills and valleys that make life interesting.  An ever changing vantage point versus just the status quo.  Every man that I have talked to about this though looks at me with that same look, the one that just does not comprehend how it can make any sense to change a good thing.

And I recognize when I see that incredulous look cross my partners face, that baffled look of shock implying that you cannot force or work on stability and security.  It just does not exist and is an illusion.  Aside from paperwork there is as much instability in marriage as there is in dating, these societal institutions do nothing to prevent one or both parties from changing their minds, or feelings.  And when put to me this way, I absolutely agree and I understand this rational and reasoning.  I understand the rolling of the eyes from my male counterparts, sighing that they are even have such an absurd conversation.  And yet, knowing all this and seeing both sides, I still bring it up.  I still long for the illusion of security and stability.  I still battle with myself and find temptation in wanting a norm.

I wrote this a few days ago, and now that I have had time to truly process both the conversation and this post I know deep down that stability and security is not a good place for me to be.  It promotes laziness, it creates a place where I stop trying to seduce, to have fun and to flirt.  It is a place I have been before, and that complacency is right where things end.  When partners become relaxed and far too at ease, partners stray and seek excitement elsewhere.  A gentle wake up call to myself that although I seek complacency from time to time, the reality is that that place is the most unstable of all.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Bullying is Obviously Bad, Not Knowing How to Deal With it May Be Worse

I read a blog on Halloween about a father who was no longer allowing his children to watch the Charlie Brown Halloween special because it focused on bullying.  Here is the link to his blog if you are curious.  My initial reaction after reading this blog was outrage that the parents would rather hide this TV show from their children rather than watching it as a family and having some open dialogue about the subject of bullying.  But then I began to think about this a little further, this is an excellent example about just how sheltered the next generation is becoming and how ill prepared they are going to be with dealing with many members of our society especially when it comes to dating. 

When I was younger I was bullied for being too skinny, I was bullied for just not fitting in and being too small in general.  It sucked and I remember for all of grade 8 and 9 wearing a big oversized navy blue hoodie to help me not stand out anymore.  I soon learned to ignore the whispers and to just deal with people on an individual basis only, I hated doing anything in a group where I would have to draw attention to myself to be heard.  As I grew into my body, I developed the skills to only stand out when I wanted to, the more common solution I found was to just blend in.  I watched people I knew get bullied for being too tall, for being too smart, or for being too fat.  At some point or another we were all targets for something.  I hated going through this, but I am so much stronger and more aware of situations now that I am an adult then I would have ever been had I been sheltered as a child.

I have dealt with bullying in the workplace a couple of different times with grown adults and it absolutely sucks to deal with.  But how in the world are the generation of protected youths going to possibly deal with my generation or the generation ahead of me when they start adult interactions with us.  There are skills that are critical and will be missed.  What is even more concerning to me is how will this effect relationships.  It seems to me that as a group of people develop a weakness, there is a group of people who with equal force develop a strength.  I have watched with great sadness loved ones not stand up for themselves while being bullied or abused in a relationship.  Our generation has empathy for these abused individuals and a desire to help them because we have the skills learned from our childhood bullies, but I do not think this upcoming  generation will be quite so lucky.

As a child I recall my mom telling me when I was being picked on, that the other child was probably picking on me for a reason that had nothing to do with me.  As I grew up I learned that this was almost always true.  If I deserved harassment for something I did, I knew it.  When I was picked on for unknown reasons then I knew something must be going for that child at home or somewhere else.  It did not make it alright, but it helped me deal with my own anger and emotions in a more positive way, and kept me from picking on someone who was smaller than me when I got the chance.  

I have used this to find my voice when guys try to pull something on me that I am not comfortable, or a woman for that matter.  I cannot be pressured or coerced to do anything that I do not want to do.  If I had not been bullied as a child I would not have that same skill set as an adult.  I would be so eager to please that I would likely act in a much more submissive way.  I would be ill equipped to say no.  I am not saying this to scare any would be parents.  I can absolutely empathize with the pain in watching your child get bullied, but with talking with the child, helping them through it, and teaching them empathy it goes a long way to building a whole individual capable of dealing with the good and bad out there.  Of course if there is every violence or threats that are of an adult nature the police need to be involved, but again conversation about adult behavior and child behavior is necessary every step of the way. 

It will be interesting to see what new relationships form for the next generation and what sort of issues that they will deal with.  I hope they will be more capable of dealing with abuse and bullying than it looks like now.  Bullying is a harsh reality of our society, and in a relationships where intimacy exists our younger generation needs to practice saying no and finding their voice.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


I have a favor to ask of all my amazing and educated readers, and that is to help me out with a little project I am starting on jealousy.  What I would like specifically are any personal stories where you overcame jealousy, or perhaps just felt it in a really strong way.  As well as any books or articles that you have come across that made an impact for you on the subject, or even a movie or TV show scene that left an imprint.

Please use the comment section or find me on Twitter @k_ghislaine.  I would love to hear from you.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Halloween Sluts Are Good… In Adult Form

Our society is repressed when it comes to sex, and because of that repression we become confused as to what is actually appropriate or not.  I fully endorse slutting it up for Halloween.  I think adults going out and playing, flirting and basically shedding inhibitions is important for a multitude of reasons including the very simple that it just feels great.  As I have written before, I am also fortunate to live in a city with a secondary event where sexual repression is shed and that is during our Calgary Stampede.   These are great events where the inner slut can come to play in a more public forum, shedding inhibitions with little to no judgement.  However, we have made a small mistake in our quest for fun, and that is in not keeping the sluttiness for adults alone.

Sex is for adults, sexual behavior is for adults, sluts are for adults.  Short skirts, knee high socks and mocked cleavage are not appropriate for our children.  I have heard a couple of times Dan Savage tearing strips out of parents who are trying to be GGG (good, giving and game) when it comes to raising children.  And guess what?  This is not appropriate behavior.  Dressing your children up to show excess skin, or to display sex appeal is not the way to show your sexual openness.  It is outright crazy.  Adult behavior and actions are for adults and not for our children.  I cannot see any well rounded parent handing their 8 year old a joint and saying here, just a taste.  And yet when I go to costume shops I see an endless array of slutty, tight fitting costumes for girls ages 8 and up.  The manufacturers produce these because there is a demand, and I am perplexed as to why there could possibly be any demand at all. 

I would love to blame the media for having sexy toys, and young teens wearing make up on TV, but let us be realistic, even though there may well be greater access to a sexualized market the young teenagers are not spending their own money in obtaining these items.  My mom paid for my costume and that meant that she had a say in what I dressed up as, and let me tell you, she was focused on me being warm and not on encouraging me to slut it up.  Parents need to stop being such pussies when it comes to their kids, to put their foot down and not allow their children to wear costumes that are intended for adults.  I recall being really impressed by costumes that were handmade, or looked unique.  I would never have been impressed if one of my friends was wearing high heels and a short skirt thereby slowing us down in the quest for candy.  Plus you are going door to door, the very first social networking game.  Just as you mentally remember the good and bad candy houses for next year, the candy givers also remember the costumes and creativity, those got the extra handful.  If your costume makes that person uncomfortable the amount of candy you are going to receive is decreased. 

Bottom line is that children do not need to dress slutty for Halloween.  Leave the sluts for adults, and allow the little trick or treaters to enjoy their childhoods free of the stresses that sex brings.  Although this has become an adult holiday for many of us, keep in mind that it is the season of candy for our next generation.  We need to respect that, and not encourage inappropriate lines to be crossed when it comes to their costumes.  

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

My Thoughts On Joining A Couple in an Open Relationship: Responding to An Anonymous Query

 Question from my post on getting back to my mission statement : Would be interested to know your feelings or experiences with joining a couple in an open relationship.

First and foremost, I have never knowingly joined a couple who were in an open relationship.  That being said I have a growing list of what not to do in these situations as I am starting to be asked both my opinions and participation with a growing frequency.  As Dan Savage would say, these are good problems to have, and I agree for the most part.  For my own personal tastes I think triads would be very challenging, so challenging in fact that I think the cons actually would outweigh the pros.  Short term, or a night of fun and spice here and there aside, I am making an assumption that my anonymous commenter was talking about a more long term situation.  That is not to say though that triads do not work, as there are many out there that work incredibly well with lots of communication and love.   My preference would be to have two couples, as I think the most could be gained for all partied involved and with even numbers I think there would be less competition and more compromise.

With that being said, there are a few things that I think are very important to do when inviting an additional party to join you in an open relationship.  Without a doubt communication with your partner every step of the way is critical.  The most important bond is the one with your primary partner and that needs love, reassurance and support for all the emotions that may appear.  Once that’s in place recognition that this new person is a complete human being is very important.  This person is going to have emotions as well, and should never feel like an outsider (one of the main reasons I would prefer a couple as I think this would lessen the burden of sole support).

Introductions I think are also critical.  I have been fortunate in the fact that when I have explored multiple individuals there has been a very solid foundation of trust, so introducing partners has gone incredibly smooth.  Recently, I was put in an uncomfortable situation where I was asked to introduce myself to a potential partner through deception.  This is not something that I am comfortable with.  There is no appeal to me in partners getting hurt, angry or uncomfortable.  As well I do not find anything enjoyable about being a third wheel or knowing that I have made someone else feel that way. 

The main thing in response to your query is to find an open relationship where the couple is well versed in treating the additional members with love and support.  As well to make sure that you are clear about what you want and need to get out of the arrangement.  If it is just a night once a month of fun and excitement be clear, and if you need more than that you cannot just assume that the other people will know that.  When things go wrong, which they will, learn how to laugh about it and not ignore the issues, healthy and clear communication is very important.  I think it can be a wonderful experience, to be the star in someone’s fantasy, but there are always emotions that come up that may surprise you.  You need to be in the correct head space, and emotionally stable enough to experience these things to the fullest.  One side note, is that if you are looking for someone to play out a very specific fantasy I would recommend getting an escort or someone that you pay for the specific service, rather than putting a random individual through that emotional rollercoaster and drama.  Fantasies are great, but you have to be realistic about what a stranger is willing or capable to do, and for their feelings when all is said and done.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Cheating Women, I Know You Can Hear Me

Dear cheating women of the world, you are giving us nice amazing women who are trying to having open relationships a really bad name.  Cheating is not the same things as being open, and it certainly is not something that you pull out at the last minute to save your lying little tushies.  If you are cheating on your partner because you are not happy, want a little adventure, or are just plain trying to see if something is better out there that is one thing.  It is your own choice, and you are beyond free to make it, and of course hurt both your partner and future partners in the process (yes everyone gets hurt).  What I have a major issue is with you turning around and saying that you were in an open relationship the whole time.  Open means being honest with your current partner and your flavors on the side.  This pre-emptively sets the stage for an open dialogue if feelings present themselves or if you decide to have the parties meet for some sexy fun time or whatever.  The point being is that every person you encounter is a person with thoughts, feelings and a right to choose how they want to be treated and get treated in return.  If they do not have full or at least reasonable disclosure they unknowingly are in a position to get hurt.

The older I get, the more men I run into with whom have broken hearts and are rougher around the edges for it.  I have a sneaking suspicion that many more woman cheat than would like to admit.  And let us face it, the female gender are largely conditioned in the art of deception, screened by the soothing sounds of seduction.  I will admit that in my experience me being brutally honest is refreshing and its own form of seduction, so by all means you are making me look better in the process.  But of course I do jest here a bit, in order to try and see a bit of humor, but I am angry at the broken hearts that are left in the wake of cheating. 

I believe in open relationships, but I do not use this as an excuse for one night stands.  And yes this absolutely limits my options at times for additional partners, but I believe in ethically dating.  If someone wants a monogamous relationship with kids, a white picket fence, and me to be a stay at home mom then better to know that right from the start than allow any sort of fantasy to progress.  That lifestyle will not make me happy long term.  I have known that about myself for years, and I started writing this blog to really help me come to terms and clarity about why that is.  So please do a little soul searching before you cheat.  It is ok to end things, go on a break, or to sit down and give your partner an opportunity to change his behaviour to make you happy, it is not ok to cheat.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Getting Back to My Mission Statement

I wrote a few rant posts in a row this month so I decided to take a week off of posting (but not writing) to try and get my head back into the game and focus more on my blogs mission statement.  It actually became so necessary for me to get back to my roots, in that I had to google my own blog to read exactly the title I gave it; Question Everything: Breaking Away From Relationship Norms.  And that at the end of the day this is precisely what I want and love to write about.  Every so often I may stray and write a bit of a political piece, for example a woman’s body in politics, or I may just feel compelled to write a letter to the Random Penis.  But for the most part I aim to deal with relationships and the differences that exist for myself and those around me. 

I am aware that my relationships are a tad outside of the box, and I think differences in viewpoints are worth exploring.  The things you can learn about your own likes, and dislikes through sharing in the adventures of somebody else are constantly eye opening and at times remarkable.  For example, when I tell potential men that I am in an open relationship the range of reactions is quite vast.  The most common mis-conception I get though is the one in which people assume that this is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle for dating but once you are serious then monogamy is the only way to go.  The notion that results is one of not being jealous until you love someone especially in the male to female dynamic.  On the surface this may seem charming and sweet, but underneath it screams of insecurity and possessiveness.  If you are alright with openness without feelings then quite honestly you are doing open wrong.

The people that you date have just as many rights and feelings as those you are in a long term commitment with.  And if you are not able to love more than one person at a time there is something hugely missing in your life.  Not just for people who date more than one person at a time, but also for those who believe and live the life of monogamy quite happily.  My closest girlfriends (who are all monogamous as far as I know) take the time to tell me they love me, and I feel the same.  This love takes nothing away from their committed partners, but rather adds to the richness of our lives in a completely platonic way.  Although at this point I am not interested or prepared to love more than one man at a time, I do believe that any man I see outside of my relationship deserves respect and honesty.  The stigma attached to open relationships and their failure rate is due in a large part to those people who say they are in an open relationship to merely save face or avoid being called a cheater.

But this will all be explored in much greater detail in my next post.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Dear Random Penis...

Ok mom, this is probably one of those blogs that you may not want to read.  This is a pre-warning that this one could get a little graphic at times and you may not want to continue but there is a point to be made and it is not intended to be randomly sexual.

I wrote about how I love boobs.  And I think it is fair to give my real love a little attention, I love me some dick.  I do, there I said it, I really adore a good man’s penis.  Unfortunately for me it seems that men may not quite understand why that is.  Yesterday, for the second time in very recent history, some strange man sent me a picture of his erect penis.  I thought the first time was an isolated incident but low and behold I received another one.  Now here is my issue with this, receiving a photo of some strange man’s penis, whom I have never met is going to do absolutely nothing for me.  In fact, it actually is about as enticing as sending me a picture of your armpit.  A dick is merely a dick, if it is an unknown dick.

Let me try to explain in as mild a manor as possibly can.  I, like most of my female gender am not overly visual.  I have a few cues here and there, but I am much more scent, fantasy, and memory oriented.  A cock is just a cock without something else to it, some action, some fantasy, and more to the point some memory.  When I receive pictures of men’s junk that I have had an intimate encounter with, it is an entirely different ball game.  I can relate that cock to a memory, to a sensation and most importantly an orgasm.  The penis is now transformed from a mere appendage to something much more substantial, it is transformed into something that can make me smile.  There is now a role or a part to play in my conscious mind and I can reach a lot of pleasure from that. 

Of all the ladies I have talked to, they all agree the idea of receiving a photo of some random guys genitals is borderline revolting.  And yes I get that, I love LOVE a great looking dick, if and only if that great looking dick has done more than just stood there alone.  I think that is part of the reason why I enjoy male on male porn so much.  These men are enjoying their cocks and it shows in their body language and their faces.  It much more sexually represents the sensations and feelings associated with that very vital instrument.  It is much easier to view and watch the pleasure and fantasy associated with that sort of sexual role.  There is a sensuality rather than just the tits and ass show.  

Every fantasy out there is individual and if you are one of those rare woman who enjoys receiving photos of some random penis then good on you.  I wish never to receive a picture of any man’s dick with whom I have absolutely no frame of reference and I say that with the utmost reverence for that amazing unit that has brought me so much pleasure over the years.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

There is NO Place for a Woman’s Body in Canadian Politics Either

My stance as I stated in a recent post in regards to dealing with female “issues” in politics is to simply stop debating about it.  If we stop talking about it, it will disappear from the table that it currently finds itself on.  I was at the time referencing the US as it seems that every time there is an election a females right to choose becomes a national debate topic.  A negatively polarizing topic that sparks controversy and debate from all sides, and yet at the end of the day abortion will still occur.  The only change that will result is whether or not the female will be able to do it safely, or illegally with an increased chance of her own death in the process.  Unfortunately the past week in my amazing home country  of Canada, the debate has been sparked regarding when life begins. 

I do not want to debate where individuals are represented on our vast spectrum of opinions, that truly makes this country an amazing place to live.  The tolerances gained and learned from living in a country that embraces individuality versus the system of a melting pot is a freedom I love very very much.  But sadly I find myself not even able to google the subject that is currently being discussed in the house of commons without being bombarded with each group simply shouting louder than the next.  Bottom line is that we each individually have our opinions on when life begins, but what is more important is that these opinions are protected, and not to nationally change our opinions.  How many debates in regards to a woman’s right to choose have you listened to, and actually changed your mind one way or the other?  It rarely happens, because these debates are not designed to educate or bring new information to the table, instead it is a bureaucratic shouting match.

I will share one story I read in university in regards to when life begins, merely to show that there are staunch differences in opinions that knowledge of does not necessarily influence our way of life, simply broadens empathy.  There are groups of Eskimos that practice our definition of infanticide (as the fetus is outside of the womb) but in their society it is a late stage abortion.  If when the infant is born there are not enough resources to continue life past infancy the choice is available for the parents to determine whether or not they will allow the baby to survive.  As they live in a very harsh environment and the infant will usually take the breast for up to 4 years, this can be too much of a burden to accept every life that is formed.  Whether or not you agree with their way of thinking is reasonable or are absolutely outraged that any parent would willingly choose to terminate a fetus or infants life is absolutely your choice to make.  But consider the realities if the Eskimos were forced by law to keep every one of their infants and put all of their limited resources into keeping them alive.  The potential to  strip the very limited resources from the strong and healthy, would have a negative effect on the family unit, and it is safe to assume this group of people would have a decreased capability for survival. 

Consider also that the Canadian statics recently released estimate that each child now costs approximately $300,000 to raise.  That is a staggering amount of money, and I do not think that it would do our society a great deal of service to force every fetus conceived the same rights and freedoms as a income generating member of our society.  Individual’s right to choose what is best for them given their current circumstances is an integral part of our society.  I am pained to know that there is even any debate being given to such a sensitive and personal subject.  This is not a matter for national debate, rather it is one for the individuals and our rights and freedoms should be protected not forced.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

It's My Party And I Will Cry If I Want To...

Every birthday I am reminded of the most important relationship that each of has, and that is the relationship with ourselves.  For almost longer than I care to admit I did not like myself.  Birthdays have always been that time of year where I could not seem to escape that realization, so I cried.  I have cried on my birthday every year of my life, well up until quite recently.  I remember my mom asking me year after year why I was crying and I always said that I did not know, to which she would just hug me and say that maybe I just needed a good cry and to join the party when I was ready.  When I first heard the song “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”, I was so excited to use that line with my mom on my next birthday.  And sure enough on my 9th birthday I exclaimed those very lyrics through tears.  I felt that it bothered my mom when I cried so I made great efforts to hide it.

I was very afraid of people wishing me happy birthday all throughout my childhood in fear that I would suddenly burst into tears.  Soon I began to plan all my parties on a day other than the 28th, and to any one significant in my life I would ask that we just stayed home on that day and have a nice home cooked meal or something very low key.  I know just writing this makes me sound a little crazy, I mean who in their right mind actually avoids people on their birthday because they are afraid of crying in public?  Well I sure did, and I had no clue that I was doing this up until the birthday that I did not shed a tear.  I remember waking up the day after in shock that I made it through that whole day without even a sniffle or painful eye burning sensation as the tears well up and you try not to blink a single one out.

It has only been a few years of tear free birthdays, but it is a real victory for me to be able to look back on the previous year and know that I am happy with myself, that I am happy with the decisions made in the previous year and that I can look in the mirror with a tear free smile.  I look forward to many more years of the same mentality and I wish the same to all my readers.  

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Reflection: My 20’s

This month I will turn 29, which will mark the last year of my 20’s.  It is really astounding to think about all that can happen in a decade and the growth and development that has occurred.  I entered into my 20’s with the mentality of a monogamist, hardened atheist, with absolutely no inclination to have children and with very few female close friends.  I worked retail, rented an apartment and lived paycheck to paycheck, eating almost nothing but cream of wheat cereal and mac and cheese.  I suppose it is a typical place that many of us have found ourselves in.  I was stubborn and asked for little help from family or friends, learning independence and survival skills.  I found I could live for days on soda crackers, and pop and if I desperately needed a night out, I quickly figured out how to ensure that strangers paid for my bar tab.  Somehow or another I always paid my rent, car insurance, every year I bought the X-mas and birthday presents for both mine and my boyfriend at the time’s family and bought food for my hamster Dorby.  I am almost chuckling right now at just how little I had and how unknowingly bleak life actually was.

But that is the rub I suppose, I just had no idea that things were as bad as they were.  I lived day to day and survived.  I went to work every day, and did all those little things that you need to do.  I found what I thought would be my lifelong partner quite young and although there was a lot of great times, I feel that I went through the motions.  I was not actually thinking about my wants or needs, I was instead so consumed by the idea that I needed to make this relationship work, I was stuck in survival mode.  Whatever the reasons behind this were, I still find it very special that I was with my first everything basically for such a long time.  To me it mattered that there was longevity in my first.  I did not ever ask my friends about their relationships or question what worked or what did not work.  Instead I was put in an unearned position of stability.  What I mean by that is friends would compare their relationships and staying power or lack thereof to what D and I had.  The only rational for doing this was that we had been together for such a long time it seemed that we must have been doing something right.

In actuality it was more dumb luck and timing that allowed us to stay together for so long and I do not mean that in a negative way.  I think our relationship really went through 3 or so major changes and periods of growth and change.  Instead of the two of us finding different people to explore our relationship wants and needs with, we ended up really growing together and apart side by side.  We experienced the very first puppy love together, followed by a fairly consistent party phase whereby I think we only went home each night with each other for fear of STD and STI’s, and of course the last phase we experienced which was playing house and pretending that we were all grown up. 

I have no regrets at all living this way or experiencing these phases of life with him, especially knowing that we were different people at each phase.  My 18 year old self and ideals would be unrecognizable to the 26 year old who ended things, and yet with each phase of growth, change and new experiences the personality differences seemed smoother and more incremental.  I am not sure I would have ever been comfortable opening that relationship with D up, as I put so much value on us being each other’s first and only’s for a large amount of time.  My focuses in my early 20’s were very pinpointed and direct, the little things mattered to me so much more than looking at the grand scheme of things.

When I reached my mid 20’s I really started to open up my mind to see the bigger picture.  I bought my first house and started taking larger risks for my life.  I decided that I really did want children in the future and made some decisions to help me get out of debt to allow that to be a real possibility.  I also really started changing my perspective on what made a good mate.  I found myself yearning for a more goal oriented individual who could make plans and stick with them.  As well I started seeking someone who knew who they were as a person.  Someone who was established in and of themselves, and did not need me to define them or to complete them. 

It suddenly occurred to me that I had a choice in who I wanted to be with, and that I did not need to work so hard to make things succeed.  I know for a fact that I would have been able to continue with D for the rest of my life if I wanted to.  We had both been through so many changes together that there is very little doubt we could have made it through more, but the bottom line was that I no longer wanted to work that hard at love.  I decided to be selfish and take a chance on finding something new out there.  I needed something fun and easy.  And I needed to explore those options prior to raising a family of my own.  And now here I am writing about the openness of relationships and questioning the norms that I spent the majority of my 20's clutching.  Hopefully on my last 10 year reflection I am a little more recognizable from start to finish.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

There is No Place For a Woman’s Body in Politics

I am reading a book right now on Warrior Queens in which the author celebrates the most powerful female warriors in our history who also were in positions of great power or royalty.  There is a point that keeps getting repeated throughout the book, and that is the dichotomy that each female warrior is playing with, specifically that of her sexuality.  On the one hand the majority of historians describe these woman with an insatiable sexual appetite, however, in order for them to maintain power which was commonly achieved through church connections the woman must have the virtue of chastity. To quote Andrew Lloyd Webbers’ Evita, “A fantasy of the bedroom and a saint” (a common quote for me I know). 

This duality of female sexuality has been written about in hundreds of books, and achieved by thousands of woman throughout our history.  The dynamics are constantly changing as the societies we are a part of constantly try and change the rules to suit their own means.  The sexuality of the female is a political bargaining chip.  Woman’s bodies become a player in a massive political game for control, which is obviously a big problem.  The issues of birth control and abortion are political platforms, whereas I am not aware of any platform that has been created around a vasectomy. 

I recently wrote a post called Something About  Ducks, where I shared my knowledge of how female ducks were able to evolve to prevent fertilization due to male duck rape.  Imagine my surprise to hear that in the US a politician named Akin actually believed that human females could not get pregnant if they were raped.  I can honestly say that up until a few years ago I knew very little about my body and the hormonal wonders it goes through each month.  I now use an ovulation calendar to really stay in tune with my ever changing hormones (of course a little skewed due to the pill).  I say this with humility, in that I barely know my body, how can politicians have any say in what we can or cannot do with something that they too obviously know so little about.  Why are woman allowing any sort of conversation or platform to be developed around our bodies?

I guess I bring this up, not necessarily to try and sway people’s opinions one way or the other regarding what should and should not be allowed when it comes to woman’s bodies.  But more so to question why woman have not united together to find a way to just end all discussion on the matter.  Vasectomies do not make the news, so why should birth control pills?  What is constantly fueling debates of this objectifying nature?  Ultimately individuals are going to find a way to do what they want or need to do, and woman need to stop rising to the challenge by not even discussing or debate these ‘issues’. 

We need to take a lesson from our history books, where there are many woman who had the skills to be damn near sexual deviants and still be virgins in the church’s eyes, and they never discussed a thing either way, rather they just lived.  Many have skillfully pulled off this dichotomy in the past, and it is time to look there for the education to overcome the obstacles we face now.  Instead of forcing our vaginas onto the faces of politics, I think we would be a lot better off by just shutting down any more nonsense about even debating this.  Life will find a way, and if we want to make a choice about whether or not to live our lives a certain way, no amount of government intervention is going to hold us down, at least not for any length of time.  By taking our bodies off the platform of discussion we will take control back of our bodies.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Illegitimate- An Outdated Term for Children

I am now officially in the demographic where over 33 percent of my friends on facebook are pregnant or already have children.  Not to out anyone in particular, but a significant number of those people discovered that they were pregnant prior to being married.  Many of these couples did subscribe to the necessity of a shotgun wedding.  My only conclusion for this is that underneath everything, it was to claim some sort of legitimacy for their child.  There are a few more liberal definitions of legitimate child floating around that include an amendment which states that if the marriage happens shortly after the birth they may still be considered within this term, but the legal definition is that the wedding must have occurred prior to the child's birth.

With divorce rates so high and couples choosing happiness over marriage and lasting commitments of unhappiness this term should naturally decline in use.  I was born in to a happily married young couple,  who divorced just shortly after I was 18 months old.  I was not technically born as a bastard, but my mother was for all intents and purposes a single mother until I turned 10 when she met my step dad.  The technicality of why I was a legitimate baby just does not make any sense to me.  The spark to this was the other day I was having a conversation whereby a few of us were guessing which sibling would produce the first grandchild.  Almost instantly the game was amended to include the parameter that the child had to be legitimate. 

Does this mean that the child born in wedlock would receive an increased amount of love and privilege?  Should this honestly affect the child’s status?  Did the level of love I received decrease because my mom was single when she raised me?  As well, what if a triad was raising a baby, or a poly family?  Are certain members granted more legitimacy than others if all parties are equal?  This is just a new set of challenges that our society needs to face head on and start thinking more clearly about the terms that we throw around.  I know exactly what it felt like when I was first called a bastard growing up, and I staunchly denied it on the basis that my parents were married when I was born.  Somehow as a young child I was raised to learn that that made all the difference in the world.  But there is no way anyone could tell me that I would be loved any less had my mom given birth to me out of wedlock.  And I felt no less love from my family and extended family being raised by just one parent. 

Illegitimate should be taken out of our legal vocabulary.  It is a definition with no gains to be made, and is outdated.  I should add though, that some of you may view this post as a hypocrisy on my part when it comes to marriage.  I have written that I would like my children to grow up in a household where everyone has the same last name, and that is most definitely a want on my part.  But whether that is a reality or not, there will be zero impact on the unconditional love that will be present and always surrounding that child.  I want a unity of last names and legally that can occur with or without wedlock.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Dating Is Different When You Are 20

I was talking to a girl in her young twenties a few weekends ago with whom I went camping with.  We were wistfully wishing for a shower and other fine luxuries that we were without during our three night stint in tent.  She mentioned how badly she wanted to wash her hair and I wished I could shave my legs.  She laughed at this and said that even with shaving as an option she rarely shaves her legs although her boyfriend wishes that she would more often.  My man hugged me and commented on how I am almost always silky smooth and said he realized hearing that just how grateful he is about that extra effort I go through.

Here is the thing about this, when I really reflected on the whole scenario I realized that I used to be this girl.  In my first long term relationship, that was in my early 20’s I did not get dressed up, did not shave regularly or paint my toe nails.  I had this, take me as I am kinda mentality, that evolved into, a love me even though I put absolutely no effort into my appearance take on things.  After having this conversation with this young woman it really made me realize that these are some of the trappings of youth and relationships.  I can clearly see now how some woman who marry young and perhaps even having their children young lose sight of all those little things.  Couples become complacent and too easily stop putting effort into their appearances.

She will figure out in time that rebelling against someone that you love makes things difficult.  If your partner asks you to shave your legs, you do it because you love them and it makes them happy.  But you always ask for something in return.  Never just give in and become that doormat who lives to please, but rather share your turn ons and turn offs with your partner.  It makes it so much easier to get along and communicate.  As well it can even be a mutual benefit as turning on your partner can make you turned on, starting a pleasure cycle. 

The things I now do for my partners that I was just plain lazy and stubborn about with my first love just really proves to me the juvenile nature of dating when we are younger.  These are lessons that should be learned, and I am very happy I grew out of this childish tendency.  And I would hazard a guess that my partners appreciate these little things two.