Friday, 28 October 2011

Dating: The How To... Online

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog.  I really love feedback and your comments.  It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite?  So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time.  I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating.  I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly.  For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax.  I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world.  I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile.  I'm not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself.  I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos.  Within a week I deleted the profile!  The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn't who I really was.  Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be.  And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn't be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things.  I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me.  Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot.  When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront.  I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible.  But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself.  No use lying as it's a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun.  Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here's the reality, you will not and I quote here, "hit a home run the first time you get out there".  Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice.  If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online.  It's fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don't kid yourself.  It's a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out.  Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on.  These questions are things that you don't get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people.  There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I'm going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too.  I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat.  That being said it's remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word.  One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person.  It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net.  The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn't in a first time meeting.  It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh!  There is just nothing there.  And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my "expert" mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people.  Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool.  As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out.  I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship.  If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people.  Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly.  And guess what?  There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances. 

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety.  I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting.  I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up.  This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out.  Of course public places are a must.  This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger.  Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance.  Who knows what else they could be lying about.  This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media.  Learn from past mistakes and don't give out your facebook information.  This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family.  You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way.  A few examples of why I don't encourage this sharing of information are as follows.  You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point.  Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do.  This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting.  Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories.  Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends. 

On that note, have fun firstly.  Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people.  Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends.  Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Dating: The How To.... If She/He Has Children?

I have reached a point in my life when I now have a few very close single friends who have children, and most recently found out that a friend is dating a man with a child.  Aside from that being a really scary reality check, I know that there are many questions out there about this topic.  So I thought I would share a bit about my knowledge on this subject.  Please be pre-warned that I am very passionate about a few points I will bring up and I will do my best not to point fingers in the process.

I was raised by a single mother for over half of my childhood.  Although things weren't perfect one thing looking back that she did incredibly well was to ensure that any dating she did, didn't involve me.  She is still a very attractive woman, who has told me a bit here and there about her dating life now that I am an adult.  As a child though I was kept in the dark.  She always put me first and foremost, very similar to the powerful women in my life who are raising children of their own.  With this being said, there is one incident that I hope will raise a bit of a warning, and I write it again trying not to point fingers.

My mom and dad divorced when I was less than two years old.  I lived with my mom full time and saw my dad without any real consistency.  My mom explained that she couldn't be with my dad, and in my eyes that meant that every time he came around it was for me and me alone.  Being an only child this meant that my mom lived only for me, and my dad lived only for me when he was around.  When I was eight (or thereabouts) that spell was broken.  I walked upstairs to kiss my mom before school and found her and my dad asleep in bed together.  I vividly remember the shock and wave of emotions that overtook me.  I went to school and I think I even got in a bit of a fight but its a little hazy.  That moment when I realized that I now had to share my parents, and that they could have a relationship that wasn't all about me sent me into shock.

Here's the thing though, both my parents really thought that this was a great thing for the family.  My mom who had protected me all those years didn't have a clue how much this upset the precious balance of our divorced family.  And I had no idea what these feelings meant at the time, or why I had them.  I do know very shortly after I received my first puppy, I wonder if this was related in any way?  At any rate this traumatic event set into motion my extreme empathy for all children who have divorced parents, and really gives me a passion for the subject. 

When I was recently told by a friend that her new boyfriend had a young child I very quickly gave her some words of advice.  I asked her, "please don't rush to meet the kid, as it complicates things".  In a new relationship its all about getting to know the new and potential partner.  Statistically the relationship will not last more than a few days or weeks.  It takes a lot of time and a bit of luck to really find someone who is a potential for a more long term commitment.  But when you rush to meet the child too soon that can really skew the natural process.  In most cases the kids are really cute, and amazing.  The innocence is intoxicating and you see the other person in a whole new light.  A person living for their child, a very tender and incredible sight.

I personally would have a hell of a time walking away from that, or not letting this invade my thought process for a long term commitment.  Introduction of children into a new and budding relationship is just not fair.  The feelings now go beyond anything superficial and become about family.  You have been given a pass to overlook certain characteristics of this potential suitor because you now see them in this most amazing environment.   Our instincts to toss out, and be a picky as we can become less than accurate.  This doesn't even take into consideration if the child is older and sees you as this new and exciting person.  Adults must remain adults in this situation, as the child lives free hearted or vicariously through a new and unique situation. 

As for dating when you have a child, being that I don't have any of my own, all I can say, is that it is your responsibility to protect your children from an adult environment.  Date, get laid, have fun and live your life, but keep your child first and foremost. Sheltered from the dating life that is no place for a young child.  Place boundaries on adult time and the undivided attention that you give them when you are home.  Try and be a real person to them, this will help so much when they are teenagers.  Again, my mom did an amazing job with this and I love her so much for being a real friend and mother when I needed her.  And sometimes when I didn't think I did.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Just Get Laid!

This post is a bit of a follow up to my previous post.  I want to elaborate a bit about the meaning here. This previous post was really to illustrate how sex outside a relationship is mainly just sex.  That it can be just a physical attraction and nothing more if all parties are on the same page.  This time I want to get into a few more of the reasons why I feel sex really makes this world a better place.

Have you ever had boss who was just a total bag and thought, "they just need to get laid"?  Well consider the linked article here, which has now moved so suffice to say it is a standard 1 through 10 list that has been rehashed hundreds of times in different ways.  Points 1-9 are well documented throughout the medical world.  Endorphin's are released during sex and strenuous physical activity which is a benefit to health and happiness.  Our spidey senses tingle when that person is in a crowded room, who needs that pick me up.  So we know what the lack of sex looks like, and the common consensus is that once that person gets laid that look of overworked, general bitchiness will dissipate.  So case one for sex being a good thing.

On a quick side note, please let me stress that point 10, has in no way shape or form been documented in an unbiased medical study.  I have searched and searched and there is absolutely no evidence for this claim (which I will await a reply with their citations and update with the reply).  What I have found is this article.  As well I have written before please read, "Sex at Dawn". So lets get back to the point of this blog.

Have you ever heard this comment? "We only had sex 6 times in the last year", or "We only have sex on special occasions".  This sends shivers up my spine and not in a good or kinky way.  There is an almost dead look in the eyes of the speaker of these statements.  Upon hearing this the first time, I being in a monogamous relationship at the time and a bit of a prude, declared that yes indeed this is a legitimate reason to cheat.  There were a few shocked looks that I was endorsing cheating, but seriously I couldn't comprehend going that long without sex.  Denying your partner sex is a major detriment to having a healthy relationship.  Please note that I recognize health factors that are beyond a persons control as the exception to this rule and I state this fact based on healthy, sexually able individuals only.  A friend put it very eloquently to me the other day, "its not that I can't live with out it or anything like that but to me its the true moment it creates".  Here here!

And finally the last point I would like to make on the subject of just get laid is the challenge.  This one hits home for me and I have to be a little careful of where this one takes me.  I am competitive, and being in an open relationship it allows for getting laid becoming a bit of a sport.  I have the comfort of knowing I have a loving bed to come home to, but this creates a bit a dichotomy in me.  I can now push myself to seduce people either out of my league or in a position that is appealing for a reason other than a partner.  The aspect of getting laid for more of a challenge is quite exhilarating being that I can really take my time and seduce.  And to be clear it is rare that the seduction does lead to full out sex, normally the challenge is enough for me.  As well with this I have a long list of rules that I will not break to ensure everyone's safety, anonymity and emotional damage.  This can put the fun in sex for me and give a playful variety.

So the moral?  Just get laid, it makes me happy and I am sure I am not the only one :)

Friday, 14 October 2011

Dating... The How To?

So I was listening to a Dan Savage podcast this morning, whereby the caller said that he had forgotten how to date.  This is a very common statement that I have heard time and time again and if I have used the same line in the past, let me apologize right here and now.  I am very sorry for ever saying that I have forgotten how to date.  Let me tell you why.

Last night I was having a conversation with a dear friend and we were discussing past relationships.  Dating of course came up and I mentioned that I really didn't start dating until university.  On a side note, my parents both asked me if I was a lesbian all throughout junior high and high school because I never brought guys home or dated, thanks mom and dad!  I had one major relationship that ran its course through many dating scenarios (which I will save for a later date) over an 8 year period.  But that really I was not super informed when it came to dating and made many many mistakes along the way.  The guy I was talking to looked shocked and asked such a simple question, which to paraphrase was, "well how can you be blamed, did anyone ever teach you how to date or be in a relationship?"  Crap!  I know for a fact that was never sat down by my parents and told how they dated, what worked or didn't work.  I of course had the birds and the bees talk when I was 6 or 7 and that was a very funny story in itself.  I recall the horrible time my mom first asked me if I was sexually active, also a hilarious story that I can just finally laugh about now.  But nothing on dating.  

How can we possibly be successful in finding a mate if we are never taught how to date?  Doesn't it seem strange that the only tried and true method is trial and error?  I am positive that within my family alone there so much wisdom and knowledge about how to date.  But the only stories I grew up hearing were about how the current spouse was met.  And this is why I must apologize for not knowing how to date.  I was not taught, it was through trial and error that I found any male in my life.  Realizing this, its almost laughable that we are able to find anyone compatible on any level.  Thank goodness for the aid of dating websites.  At least those sites allow you to ask and answer question about the people out there, but when it comes to meeting them, sink or swim!

The typical relationship out there is a failing vessel.  Not only do many relationships fight true happiness (whatever that may be for each individual), but we do not have the tools to meet the best possible mate in the shortest amount of time.  There is so much knowledge that our parents learned, or even our grandparents that just seems to be a taboo topic.  Or maybe its just a detail they would rather leave out.  The perpetual cycle that they weren't very adept at it, so they were great full to leave the dating scene as soon as possible.  A very common sentiment, that rush to leave the dating scene as it is too big and scary.  The safety of a relationship, which I might mention was not on my how to list either.  

So please, if you have a family, try and break this cycle.  Teach your children that dating isn't so scary, it can be a lot of fun and an amazing way to truly learn who you are before you say your I do's.  Keep the next generation as informed as we can so we pass on knowledge and not just our baggage, even if it is embarrassing.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Flirting: My First Topic Request

So as the title states I am very excited to have had my first topic request the other day.  Here are my thoughts on flirting.
First things first, be prepared to fail.  Rejection can be really hard to take especially for a person newly out of a relationship, or even just lonely.  For me, I had liquid courage the first time I went out to flirt and I failed miserably (the story will be coming up shortly).  I had to learn two lessons very quickly: First, that the worst thing that can happen when you pick a target is the guy (or girl) is going to say is no, or fuck off.  Really, that's easy to get over and once you hear it a couple of times your skin thickens and you move right on.  I would recommend if you are rusty, go up to a guy really out of your league.  Seriously it's one of those no harm no foul moments where if you luck out, fantastic.  If you don't, well no loss you got the first and hardest no out of the way.

The second thing, and this is really crucial, is to determine your end game.  I know that can sound a little silly but there is an excellent reason.  I personally cannot stand women who are teases.  They monopolize a guy's attention for the night, then giggle, and go home alone or to their boyfriends/husbands getting what they need only.  I have been the shoulder for many a guy wondering what the hell just happened and how much they now hate women.  And with great reason, there is just no place for a tease and I will not support that. If your end game is simply attention, then please please, get a little attention and then move on.  The guy has needs too, and if you knowingly take up all his attention and plan on going home alone, that can crush a guys esteem and is really selfish on your part.  Sorry about the vent, moving on.

Once you choose if the night is for a little pick me up, or to get a little action, it helps to know your target, and that I would recommend reading Robert Greene's, The Art of Seduction. The book does a really great job of defining the different seducers and also explains what your own type is.  If you have any other suggestions for me I would love to hear about them.  Once you have a firm grasp of what your strengths and weakness' are, flirting can be so exciting and there are so many boundaries to push through.  As the book mentions, you can apply seduction to all aspects of your life, including the business world.  However this is not always easy the first time.

When I first went out to flirt it was to build up my confidence.  To give me a feeling of sex appeal and a little re-assurance that I could potentially find someone else and would not end up alone.  I went to the bar very desperate for attention and it showed.  I was insecure and waiting for anyone to make eye contact while I very ungracefully chugged a few too many cocktails.  I should mention that I also was on a pub a crawl, clearly I had no idea what I was doing.  I can laugh now at the whole scene but here I was drunk, going from bar to bar, and getting sloppy.  I have no idea how it happened, but I ended up being that girl that I have felt sorry for so many times.  By leaving the bar with some random guy, and in the morning doing the walk of shame.  Not the highlight of my flirting career let me tell you.

Now for some things that actually work.  Sex appeal has a lot to do with confidence.  I asked a guy once why he slept with a girl, that let's say didn't share his same fitness beliefs.  His reply was quite simply she made the first move and was very confident.  I was in awe, and did not fully realize just the impact that this has.  I personally had been after this guy for a while, and to find out that the pining over him was incredibly un-attractive really hit home.  There are quite a few other tricks that I have learned, and I will try and share them all in the upcoming blogs.  But if you walk in with confidence, know what you are after, and are able to push away the fear of rejection (without booze) you have already won the initial battle. 

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

The First Touch

Do you remember that first time that your partner touched you? Even that first tingling from a brush on the arm, that craving and anticipation for more?  The butterflies after you went home from your first hug or kiss?  That adrenaline rush that seemed to last for hours?  Take yourself back to that amazing time, that personal high that had you grinning for hours.  That is the first touch.  When you touch your partner do you still feel that?  Very doubtful.  There may be slight rushes here and there, but they are nothing compared to those first few times. If you are like me in any way shape or form there can be an almost addicting quality to finding this sensation.

Yes your partner is amazing and a great friend but where is that rush of excitement?  For most people that I have spoken to, it seems like they are convincing themselves that they are content in the great depth of the emotional bond that now connects them with their partner.  This emotional and almost addictive first contact "void" has been replaced by memories, time spent and the promise of future stability.  Maybe I have a hint of cynicism when I ask them, but I look at the big picture and where they are at in their lives.  I try and be as objective as possible when discussing but I typically don't buy in those couples being truly fulfilled in their lives.  I understand how tempting happily ever after is, I even gave it a full blog .  But that is where it ends, at temptation.

Why, when our society is advancing so far in the technological realm can we not also wish for the moon when it comes to our lives?  Can we get to a point where we can actually have everything and not just fill voids with conciliatory prizes?  There are a few studies out there about adults and seniors going back to school. That their health and visual appearances can improve dramatically.  As well the constant education promotes us to keep challenging our ideas and views  As we age the complexity and level of understanding increases.  This being said, do any of you know a couple that has gone through a life changing crisis, or midlife crisis, and come back together to be a stronger and healthier couple?  I am lucky to know a few.  Even if there were indiscretions, which is usually the case, two adults can come together and see the big picture.  

So here is the point of my tangent, what if we could have a relationship with a loving supportive partner, still have the much needed joy of that first touch on the side, and avoid the possible divorce or midlife crisis in the middle?  Why go through all the pain and torment when it is so much more pleasurable to live trying to attain every aspect that makes us happy?  

Coming back to reality, I do get upset from time to time when I think of my partner investing time in someone else.  It's not the mentality I was raised with and this new way of thinking does have it's ups and downs.  But when I am able to see the really big picture, I know what many of my family friends have gone through in there 40's and 50's with this very basic human desire for the new touch.  The couples that have made it through that rough patch on the surface seem stronger for all the years of pain they went through and maybe they really are.  Personally I don't want the years of pain, I want to live life to the fullest now.  I want the most of my relationship in a lasting way, not in a settled way.  And I am a woman who loves that new touch from time to time.  I am proud that I am aware of this fact and that I can build a relationship on trust and love at the same time.