Thursday, 29 September 2011

The Anti - Seductive Power of Touch

"I can't believe that no one has ever scrubbed your back in the shower before" Yes this is a real quote that was said to none other than yours truly.  I was 26 at the time and really didn't think much about it.  Now though this thought really is helping me understand just how far I have come over the past little while.  Touch and physical contact is so important in development and building relationships from infancy to growing into mature adults.  I have attached a really interesting article about touch in infant development.

As the article states at the end, "those who have had little physical contact over the years might become hypersensitive to such touch, so that they found it physically uncomfortable".  What a depressing thought! However speaking from personal experience I can relate very directly with this.  Please do not read my personal experience with any sort of judgment or pity.  I am simply relating the experience that I had as it is a first hand account and the effect that it had on me from there on. 

In what I call my previous life with my ex, I was not shown any sort of physical contact, especially in the beginning.  There was touching during sex and well, that was it.  No hand holding, hugging, kissing or anything outside of the bedroom.  Now that is not to say that I wasn't constantly trying to seek some sort of touch, but every time I did I was pushed away.  This built into our relationship a very sick sort of result, in which the only thing I knew was that when I went in for a hug I was rewarded with a shove and thus I shoved back.  Let me tell you that this developed into us having shoving or hitting matches in public.  And there was laughter of all things... and bruises. Many of my readers have actually witnessed this first hand, this strange behavior.

Once we moved in together I tried to demand things change and every time there was violence that we switched it to kissing or cuddling, but that is a very slow process when there are years of this negative re-enforcement to contact.  We tried therapy for a number of issues, and I will admit that many were mine, but overall the foundation was of teenagers and not compatible adults.  This is incredibly hard to write, but the last straw for me was when I tried to kiss his tummy and I was thrown off the bed.  I landed so hard that I was winded and had a massive bump on my head from it hitting the dresser on the way to the ground.  I never slept with him again and he move out a few weeks later.  

So in summation I learned first hand the anti-seduction of touch.  Breaking down that wall and hugging my friends and having physical contact was actually a stretch for me for many years.  My emotions were closed right off and it wasn't until recently that I even put two and two together.  But I have learned the hard way just how important human contact is.  The euphoric effect of skin to skin contact, and the amazing results this can have on your health and happiness.   When I started writing this blog earlier this week I had no idea the journey it would take me on, but as in this case sometimes you have to go to a darker place to find the real joys in new discoveries.  I will be writing part II shortly which will not be as dark and soul searching, thanks for reading.

Monday, 26 September 2011

My Nature...

I find it quite hard to write about personal things, but I am going to try something different, as it is birthday season in my family and turning new leaves and what not, so here goes.  Rather than a rebuttal about a woman's nature to my previous post, I am instead going to write my personal opinion of my sex and relationship nature seeing as my readers are mostly female it will be easier than generalizing.

It took me quite a few years to realize that my ability to change my mind and views about relationships and sex was not necessarily a bad thing.  I always thought that changing my mind made me appear wishy washy, and under confident.  This came out in both long term and short term interactions with men.  However, after open minded reading of sex at dawn I finally came to an understanding and appreciation of how this can be turned into a real gift.  Woman really do have a sexual power over men.  We have multiple orgasms, and more importantly the ability to be turned on by a vast array of variety.  This is a concept that took me a long time to figure out that the power inside does not make me "slutty".  Instead makes me a healthy and well rounded individual. 

It is not easy to stand up as a woman and proudly say that "I love sex" and that I do not necessarily want to end up sleeping with the exact same man day in and day out for the rest of my life.  This became especially clear to me when it dawned on me just how depressing the lives are of the middle aged married couple.  The kids move out and boom, rather than doing something to solve or spice up the marriage, the only option is divorce.  Boredom leads to idle hands and over active imaginations.  

To be clear, I am not in any way promiscuous, not that that should add or subtract any weight from the point I want to get across.  But I am aware of that strong sexual urge that sometimes exists for someone outside of your partner.  And how dare society say that's a bad thing. If safety comes first and you are honest with your partner this is only an urge and should not mean that there is any less stability or security when you get home.  The idea that religion has placed on so many people that sex leads to marriage or vice versa is B.S.  The number of unhappy couples out there because of religion, and/or society forcing them to stay together is enough that I have brought it up numerous times in previous blogs.

I love getting dressed up and feeling sexy for both my man, as well as other men.  Turning heads of other men and sometimes women, is a great feeling.  Yet I recently read a Dear Ann letter written by a reader  that was so unhappy that her husband was even looking at other woman that she was ready to threaten divorce.  What made this story so notable to me, is that the respondent actually sided with the woman and told her that she was right to think that mere looks were cheating and she should tell her husband that if he doesn't stop she would leave him.  Yes putting boundaries is very important in a relationship, but who wants to live in a society that is going backwards in time?  If a man cannot even look at other woman isn't that a parallel to the corsets, or ankle and wrist covered clothing woman needed to wear not even less than 150 year ago?

In getting back to writing about me, I look all the time.  I am very aware of my surroundings and I enjoy flirting thoroughly.  I also take a lot of pride when my man gets flirted with, that he is desirable to other woman.  And I am completely OK with this and it can actually be a turn-on.  I am learning to use my ever changing sexual turn ons as a positive addition to my personality rather than a negative.  This hasn't always been easy, and I stumble every now and then, but overall the experiences both good and not so good make up who I am.  Sex is fantastic and confidence makes it even better.

Friday, 16 September 2011

A Man's Nature

Please ladies don't try and change your man.  I say this because it is an effort in futility.  I have hinted previously at this statement in earlier blogs but now I am going to come right out with it.  A man's sexual preference is there for life, what gets him off at an early age becomes the blue print for the remainder of his life.  I heard an argument on "The Show" which is a Calgary radio station which put this so concisely. 

"Why are we hellbent on making the mistake of thinking these people can be rehabilitated? Wanamaker won’t change. He’ll continue to offend. Don’t ever let him out of jail. He has a sexual predilection for kids. Just like I have a predilection towards ladies and their lady parts.
Picture a world where heterosexuality is outlawed and I go to jail for the crime of being straight. After a ten year sentence and various rehabilitation programs I face the parole board of particularly fashionable gentlemen and athletic women and swear to them that I’m no threat at all to the vagine of the world. They let me go…
Guess what I’m gonna do first… get hip deep in trouble.
Because sex is sex and we all want it in one form or another. Wanamaker just happens to want it with little kids. Curing that is impossible."

So if it is in a man's nature then why do so many women waste their time and effort trying to change a man.  We need to find a livable way to accept their makeup and urges.  But more than that, we need to open up communication to discuss the sometimes hurt and pain that this causes a relationship.  I am very accepting of most things but at times there is pain or emotions and the isolation in accepting the man for being a man can be overwhelming.  

There was a quote on Weeds, that basically said, "It's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that men love variety".  But that doesn't always make it easy or OK.  What it does mean though is that if you try and change that out of a man you are weakening him and taking the masculinity out of him.  Men like what they like, and that's all there is to it.  

We are so lucky, as women, that we can change and adapt to our sexual desires and we change our perception and wants with age and societal influences.  Men do not have this luxury, they are what they are.  So as hard as it can be not pressure them to fit into the cookie cutter mold of what your mother expects lets be brave and let them be.  Maybe we will be happier in long run.  Get through the pain and heartache together but be stronger for the amazing men in our lives. 

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Feedback :)

Thanks so much for all the kind words and support about my blog.  So far I have been writing about what interests me and the messages about relationships that I feel have not been given nearly enough voice, especially from a female perspective.

I am asking now for some help.  Please if you have criticism or questions, or even a point you would like me to elaborate on, please email or put in the comments section. You can even steer me in a direction of interest.  If not I will continue to write about topics of my choosing and keep going in the direction I have been.

Again thanks so much for reading. This has been such a great experience for me.  I look forward to any and all feedback :)


Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Sex is Just Sex?

Sex is a subject that bears with it great emotion.  I know that statement goes without saying but I thought it was worth stating.  I have a lot of emotion attached with sex and have often found that the height of my need to say loving words is during this intimate event.  Afterwards though I have an odd relief that I kept my mouth shut and that realization that the physical is just physical overrides.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  Passion overtakes the rational at moments of weakness and sex certainly is one of those moments.  So where does that leave us? In the end sex can be physical, emotional, or at times both.  Where do we draw that line?

As a relationship progresses the desire for the emotions I find becomes stronger outside the physical act and to me that is where love really begins.  Love is growth, a bond and understanding of people with the desire to support each others goals.  Or to quote the dictionary:


 [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.

But wait, how exactly does point three come into play?  Isn't that the definition for sex and not love?  If even the dictionary cannot keep these terms and definitions clear for the English speakers than how exactly are we to keep these things clear and level headed? To me there is a great difference between sex and love.

I know a couple who are very career oriented people and are living abroad.  They have been together for quite a long time, and being career oriented there was some long distance elements to their relationship.  When one or the other would have to come home to Canada to visit family or take additional courses the understanding was always that yes they would have physical needs apart.  And that was absolutely OK with both parties.  To go out and have a casual night here or there was almost encouraged as both parties were doing the same.  This couple has been together for many years and have just welcomed their first child.  This child is being born to two very successful parents in the most loving and forward thinking environment that I have seen.

Now I will admit that when I first was told of the understanding this couple had I was very judgmental about the whole arrangement. I kept my mouth shut and supported my friends but I often wish I would have asked more questions from the couple.  It didn't seem like being open or discussing was even a possibility.  It was their life and they could live it how they chose as long as I didn't have to ever lie about what I knew.  This vow let me sleep at night, but something just didn't seem right.  The most odd thing is that I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until a few days ago.  I have been writing this blog for over a month looking for real life scenarios and one was right under my nose the whole time.

This gives me a lot of hope.  That I could forget that this was even a point of some discomfort for me.  That my opinionated little self could look past their actions and support their new family with open arms.  This blog could one day be the norm and not need to be discussed and brought to the surface of our awareness.  That sex can be sex and that a relationship can be so much more than that.