Friday, 30 December 2011

A New Year

The New Year is almost upon us and as we have culturally been raised the New Year brings with it the opportunity to make resolutions.  So we all take a moment and pick a big or small challenge for the year to come.  For the past few years I have come up with a quick little goal in December.  I start it right away and either accomplish it by the end of January or I forget what it was until the next year.  I get discouraged when I don’t successfully reach my goals and thus I sort of safety net myself by my simple resolutions.  This year however I am going to set a more solid goal and my hope is it will just keep building year after year.  And that is being more open and forthcoming with my ideas and my views, to not be afraid of outside judgement.

I know it may come as a surprise especially to those who have got to know me through my blog over the past few months, but I am a very closed and protective person.  Or I was for a very long time and made a big change last year in challenging myself first with my friends and then starting this blog.  I struggle daily with being able to tell an interesting story, but for some reason when I write my mind gets very clear and ideas become cohesive and interesting.  Looking back I had no idea just what an impact this change would have on my life, and my lifestyle.  I have written before that I had a very large stick up my ass for much of my life.  And damn it if I haven’t  realized that life is too short to strive for anything short of happiness.

I was watching episode 18 season 6 of House the other night in which the main premise was open relationships.  To sum up there was a married couple who opened up their relationship and the team of doctors tried every which way to analyze the relationship rather than the patient.  One of the doctors asked the wife about her lifestyle and the wife responded with, “ the hardest thing is that people are more interested in my outside affairs than my 7 year happy marriage”.  This struck a major chord with me.  A few nights ago I met a guy for the first time, who is dating a girl in an open relationship.  It blew my mind that I was actually able to have a rational, non sexual discussion with a person face to face about how my life and his life are working better for us because of this lifestyle.  It was so exciting to then share some books that have helped us both challenge our past ways of thinking.

And that is my resolution, to continue my journey of being more forthcoming and honest with myself and to those around me.  I have made some very substantial leaps in both my personal relationships and my sexual ones.  Life is moving forward at an amazing pace and I cannot wait to see the surprises in store for 2012.  I cannot thank each and everyone of you enough for your reading and support throughout this past year and I wish you all luck and happiness in your New Year resolutions.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Out But in But Out…

Also titled: How women test the waters and have a back up plan prior to asking for what they want or ending a relationship.  I have written about my insecurities with my relationships and yes of course there will be a lot more where that came from.  I am swimming in uncharted territory right now and as exciting as it is there are trials and tribulations which can be unique to my situation, and there are the same shit different pile examples as well.   So here is one that has recently been brought up.  Men see things a lot more black and white than women do.  I was asked a very simple question by my boyfriend which was, is your friend single?  Unto which I replied in the most convoluted way, well yes but no, well sort of, I’m not sure.  Seriously, I put so many extra variables into this very simple and obvious answer that I was even more confused by the end of my analysis.  And thus I was inspired to find out why I was unable to answer, and the conclusion was incredibly simple, she has used an ancient seduction and survival technique to confuse all those around her.

I will do my best to explain this using myself as an example to protect the anonymity of my friend.  When I was reconsidering staying with my ex I employed a little “test the water trick” that may sound pretty twisted and cruel in certain lights but here goes.  I was feeling really insecure and I was not confident that I could handle the pain of my impending breakup alone.  I knew that I could no longer be with this man,(, however I rationalized that I could only handle feeling one emotion at a time or I would have a complete and utter break down.  So to protect myself I found a rebound guy, but here’s the rub of it.  The re-bound guy was actually a major player in this prior to me ending the relationship.  I assure you that there was no physical cheating of any kind, but I will admit there were emotional indiscretions.  I found a guy who was physically interested in me, would be a shoulder for me to cry on and a great person to just shoot the shit with when I was lonely.  I created a scapegoat in order to fully execute my breakup and ease the emotional burden I was about to face.

As I was soon to find out, I was not the only one to do this.  And it’s scary to think that this can almost be called a default plan of attack.  Looking back, whenever I have decided to bring up big and scary issues I have purposefully reconnected with someone who will have my back and my needs met just in case.  This is relationship survival at its very core.  And the best part is?  It is done all on the sly so that your nearest and dearest are completely in the dark to your real motives.  There is a great shroud of mystery in your actions.  Whatever the fallout is, you can blame the right time right place, emotional instability, or just plain you couldn’t lie about your feelings for your scapegoat anymore and thus had to do the responsible thing and end thing with your significant other.  On the one hand I am pretty impressed at the skill level that women are able to accomplish the basic protect thyself mantra.  Of course on the other hand, I am a little nervous if I will still try this in the future or if I will come up with something even more devious.

So the bottom line here?  Woman are magical creatures who will do what it takes to stay happy, even if that means doing something completely underhanded and cruel even to a right place wrong time guy who gets caught in the crossfire of an ending relationship.  And the motives of the woman are so well protected that it is hard to convincingly state where they are at with their significant other.   This is a strategy of timing and a woman being able to walk away with her head held high to the outside world.  Is she In or is she Out?

Thursday, 15 December 2011

The 18 Year Old

I have never dated an 18 year old, or anyone younger for that matter.  Even when I was a teenager myself dating was just not something that I had any interest in.  The guys my age were confusing and even when I entered university at 17 (three weeks before turning 18) the guys had little to offer me.  I went on a date here and there but nothing ever went beyond that first date or that horrible awkward first kiss goodnight.  I cannot say for sure if it was low self esteem or just that I had so many other things going on and the juvenile nature of the boys surrounding me just left me with the feeling of disinterest.  So why bring this up?

Last night I went out to a pub with about 15 guys between the ages of 18 and 23.  I have surrounded myself with people who are older than me pretty much my entire life.  Even when I was a small child I preferred hanging around the adults rather than playing with the kids my own age.  Thus I was a little out of my comfort zone.  As well it was the first time that many of these guys have met me so it was a double edged sword.  So I did what I usually do in new situations, I just sat back and watched all the dynamics around me.  And of course I made some mental notes so I could share what I learned.

The first thing is the handshakes.  There were the handshakes from the guys who knew I was in a relationship and gave me a firm handshake like meeting any new buddy would.  These were from guys who have enough going in there favour and just are out to have fun.  Then came the shy barely would touch my hand – shake.  Now this is where I really got interested.  The guy in particular who gave me this sort of handshake, I instantly misjudged.  And yes I would have misjudged him sorely as a teenage too.  My first reaction was that this guy was completely dismissing me and wouldn’t even give me the time of day for a proper handshake.  On closer analysis though, it turns out that he was the most eager to meet women and gladly wanted my bf and my help in this regard.  This 18 year old just has no game whatsoever. 

I have not spent much time around guys without the slightest clue in regards to women in quite a few years.  And this really got me thinking about something I wrote about previously  We are not taught to date, just that we should.  I guess if I had dated as a teenage I may have gone through the growing pains at the same time as the guys around me, fumbling through what my peers said versus what I thought I knew.  Stumbling awkwardly through the maze of hormones and dealing with opposite sex symbols and signs.  So I am thusly lost when it comes to these young ones, and that is not say I’m old but rather that I missed an integral learning point in my dating career.  So how now do I help guide these young guys and give them advice that is appropriate for the sexual attention they desire?  I have no idea, but hopefully I will figure something out by the time I go out with them again and the pressure is on.  So stayed tuned for my next installment of what I have learned from the 18 year olds.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

I Come By Openness Honestly... Thank You!

Earlier this week my writing got a little derailed.  I am constantly writing my ideas down and have a list of ideas that I would like to expand on but not this week.  My last blog I wrote about some subject matter that was on the preconceived notion that my mom did not read my blogs.  I can't honestly tell you why I didn't think she read anymore, other than perhaps I hadn't had any recently uncomfortable conversations with her about them.  But low and behold there I go writing something incredibly personal, bearing my soul and desires, to find out that yes indeed she is an active reader.

Naturally I have had a little bit of writers block as a result of having her as an audience.  So here I am trying to look at this logically and deal with it head on so I can move past this.  Overall I am incredibly proud of my writing, and I enjoy that I write about subject matter that really fuels me.  And up until that last post I had no discomfort at all with my parental units having a little peak into my soul and how I think and process information as an adult.  Thus I have reached a conclusion about this whole thing.  I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to have the support that I do from my immediate family.  They may not support the actual words that are written, but they still read, and they try to find a common ground or a base acceptance of what I am trying to accomplish here.

Let me share a few polite ways that they have come up with to show their support with difficult subject matter.  The first is "[I am] trying to make sense out of what is happening in [My] life... [I] want to understand... i love that!".  Your "writing is helping me to understand myself more and opening the door for me in the healing process".  And of course my absolute favourite, "when I read some of these blogs all I can think is Goddamn it, that child of mine!"  Mega points if you can guess who said that last one.  But reading these comments from those that I share a bloodline with, really gets me thinking about just how incredibly lucky I am.

Imagine my fortune in being able to share my thoughts in a public forum and not be reprimanded or shunned.  If it was not for how I was raised I don't think I could have been nearly as honest in portraying this personal aspect of my life.  I should let you know as well that each of my family members has bridged their own battles in openness and honesty.  Their bravery in their own lives has given me the courage to push my envelope just a little further without the fear of rejection.  I used to curse in my head just how much sharing was done in my family, that very few subjects were taboo and I learned a lot about life at a very young age.  I did not understand just how valuable this viewpoint would be in my development.  I learned very early on that my friends were not raised in quite the same way.  There was an open door at my house for almost any conversation, void of judgement for the most part anyway.  

So here is my humblest thank you for all my family and giving me support even when it is really difficult.  I am able to continue writing in large part to all the little things that you have done and said over my lifetime.  I began by writing this blog for selfish reasons, (ridding my writers block) and ended up with more joy and positivity as a result.  So thank you to my family for being who you are with all your faults and strengths as I press forward with my own discovery.  Asking as many questions as I can and finding answers in my own way.  Question Everything.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

But How Can You Know What You Want...?

"But how can you know what you want, till you get what you want, and you see if you like it?" (Into the Woods the musical).  This quote pretty much sums up where I am at right now.  Some new questions and very few answers have sprung up on me and I am trying to determine the yays or nays to the scenarios.  My biggest critics are those close to me.  My best friend used to ask me once a week "so are you monogamous yet?".  My answers were always the same but I found myself answering with a range of different emotions ranging from calm laughter, to annoyance, to an almost childlike defiance, to an acceptance that people just may not understand.

One thing I have learned on my journey is what I do not like.  I do not like being told what to do or how to do it.  I have always been someone who needs to try out different paths on my own and experience things for myself.  If nothing else I come out with a greater understanding of where others come from.  So what question is really plaguing me right now?  The idea of where to take my relationship from here.  What are the next levels that I want to take it too.  I was recently talking to a gentlemen who was a swinger.  I was being my usual inquisitive self, and one thing that struck me about his lifestyle was how he was able to befriend the women that he and his wife brought back into the bedroom.  I was absolutely intrigued by this level of respect that he had for the other women.

Could I ever find a way to love or even have a friendship after intimacy with someone other than my lover?  This has been a stickling factor for me.  Being raised with the notion of one lover and one relationship at a time fear and panic has scared me out of any opening up of things as a couple.  I know this is too much information for any of my readers who actually know me and I am really sorry that you have to make eye contact with me in the future after reading this.  This is a legitimate fear though.  I am not married, I do not have implicit security in my relationship so I realize I need to artificially create that aura.  Once I create that sense of independence and confidence within myself I think things will get easier.

And yes the hard cold reality is that I may not like it, and I may for a short while dislike myself, but what if I don't?  Are the risks involved really worth not taking a chance and experiencing what thousands of people have experienced for hundreds of years?  And here is one key difference between myself  and out there, I want to share where I am at.  I do not want to be secretive in my desires and chances that I am taking.  The gentleman I was discussing this with holds his anonymity first and foremost.  He said he is most grateful for never meeting anyone in public that he has played with.  His life is on his terms and in a secret box.  Therefor there is limited access to acceptance by society.  There are stories out there of all of these open relationships gone wrong.  And that is how our society demands it.  Politicians ruining their marriages or political careers because of infidelity, and the like.  But where are all the success stories?  Where partners are striving and being better lovers and parents because all their needs are being met?

All I ask is put your judgment on the shelf and consider the possibility that I am not the only one out there who fantasizes about more in my relationship.  I have questions and few answers, but I am taking a leap and making sure that I get to taste all that I can in my short time on this planet.  Perhaps some of you will live vicariously through me, or perhaps I will lose many readers.  Either way I can only be who I am.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Trials and Lots of Errors

When I first met my boyfriend he told me that he wanted two girlfriends, that he had had three at one time in the past and that he didn't want monogamy.  My first reaction was great, I don't want anything serious either.  I was also incredibly pleased that this guy knew what he wanted, and wasn't afraid to put it right out there.  He said I could be on board or get out now, entirely my choice.  I wondered how this man who eventually wanted children thought this was going to work, but of course it was very early on.  My own experience as I have written before was monogamy as the only key to ultimate happiness.  My impulse was life is short, lets see where this takes me, and I can always get out at any time if I'm not happy or comfortable.

We have been together for well over a year now, and looking back upon everything that I have encountered over this time its astounding.  There are situations that I have been in where in a monogamous relationship would have been the end of everything.  But here in this new relationship world I have tried to understand, talk and work through these challenges within my nature.  Which leads me directly into an even bigger question of whether or not this is my nature or if society tells me its my nature.  I am constantly questioning how far and hard I can push myself while still having a smile on face.

There are two phases that I have gone through so far with my partner.  The open relationship prior to being in love and the relationship after that point.  When you are with a person who is just amazingly fun to be around, charming, and a great person the reactions are on a spontaneous level.  Each event plays through just like little sketches where you are not quite sure what the end result will be.  There is excitement in determining if this will ever make a movie or just remain little short stories.  Plus you have the added benefit and possibly detriment of not having the full story, so you're not ever sure what the end game could possibly be.  There is an err of mystery surrounding each new experience and for me I was able to just react and know I could get out at any time.

One challenge I deal with is that I generally do not react positively to new situations.  I have a major wall up that goes back to my childhood and the challenges that I faced there.  Newness can be bad and scary, that wall goes up and boom things can spiral quickly downwards.  And thus I have reacted to new people with many negative outcomes.  As well I create rules and guidelines out of fear of my negative reactions which ease me into new circumstances.  This is frustrating to men, and I recognize that.

Generally men perceive a reaction women give and store that in their memory vault, if the reaction is good sometimes this is overlooked, but if the reaction was negative they find a way to not repeat that scenario.  Which is a tactic I wish more women had (I do not), the ability to not repeat the same mistake twice.  Rarely do you see an intelligent male repeat something more than once in the exact same way that yields any sort of negativity.  Yes they can overlook positive feedback easily, but not the negative.  It is stored somewhere in male land and I guarantee that if you asked your partner he would have a few things that he won't ever do again with you.

But I digress.  I am complicated in that I need to experience things more than once, and sometimes two or three times before I decide if I like it.  I am too quick to judge on the side of no, and so I need a bit of time to be swayed or shown the ups of yes.  I feel bad for the men I am with too sometimes, I am complicated and frustrating.  I make baby steps everyday in trying to conquer my battle with my impulsive no, however there is a deep rooted fear that things will go to far and I won't say no when I would be appropriate.  This leads to the open relationship in phase two, where there is now love and a commitment.  As well a much clearer understanding of the bigger picture.

"With great power there must also come great responsibility" (Stan Lee).  I know for a fact that I have a real opportunity to obtain everything in life that I want.  I have the choices and the knowledge in place that I will achieve my goals and live an incredibly fruitful life.  There are fears that I have regarding the unknown and life right now is a bit unstable while working towards my current dream.  But I will get there, and I will get there my way.  Enter in my boyfriend who also knows exactly what he wants in life, and is working towards his own goals, and experiencing his own frustrations within that.  Ultimately though driving himself towards a life that will make him fruitful and happy in his own right.  I see the potential of a great power couple here, driven and independent, with an understanding and working knowledge to be able to support each other during times of challenges.  And with a guarantee of a lot of fun and new circumstances to experience.

There are many trials, and I will make many errors along my journey.  I do not have a crystal ball so I cannot know if we will be each others partners in the long run, but I will not let a little fear keep me from experiencing the benefits and trials within the relationship that I have chosen.  I have jumped out of a plane, meeting new people and having my boyfriend meet new people is a cake walk in comparison.

Monday, 5 December 2011

Questioning Everything, And Finding a New Relationship Equation

I have written a few blogs lately, that give a personal insight into who I am, and perhaps a bit of why I am living the lifestyle that I do.  I have also written a few blogs on my past relationships and lessons learned also giving rise to where I am in my life.  If you are still reading up until this point and I haven't scared you away, then it's time to start writing about some of the struggles and positives in my current relationship.  My rule has always been never ever bitch about your boyfriend to your friends or family.  I have said a few negative comments here and there, but when things were going anywhere but south, then my conversations were geared in the positive.  Or I just didn't discuss anything at all.  Living by the mantra, "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all".  And I hope this still holds true today.  If things aren't overall making me happy I discuss them with my boyfriend first, try to come to a resolution or a halfway point and move on-wards and upwards.

I am not going to use this forum to discuss any material not discussed with the parties involved first. I might come to different conclusions or change my mind, but overall this is a place to share my experiences and perhaps help someone out there.  This is not a place I want to use to vent my frustrations as a diary, but rather an honest look into my relationship in hopes of opening communications to other couples or single people who are introspectively looking into what they need to be happy.  For me being honest is easy if I am asked a specific question, and day by day it gets easier to look inside and answer the why I am who I am.  Like I wrote about in my previous blog, my happiness increases as I am able to look at the flaws that hold me back and work towards improving myself. Of course with the understanding that I am improving myself for me and not for anyone else.

In my previous relationship I was completely monogamous.  If I was told that I was being cheated on that would have been the end of everything.  I had only known monogamy as a working rule of a partnership and that was the expectation.  Humans are astounding in their abilities to adapt to situations, and I am no exception to this rule.  So although the cut and dry monogamy was in place from start to finish, there was a lot of sway on what the definition of cheating was.  First there were no strippers, and any porn had to be viewed behind closed doors.  I was jealous and extremely insecure.  I had landed a man but really I had no idea how, why, or if I could ever do it again.  Then I found out that friends of ours broke up over a lap dance, and I thought that was borderline insanity.  So my hard and fast rule evolved to men need to do what they need to do as long as there is no touching.  I then had a friend tell me that her boyfriend never watched porn at her request.  Which I promptly replied must be a lie as all men watch porn.  But as I said that I realized I had no idea what type of porn my man watched, or even his own frequency.

Thus I went home and started asking some tough for me questions.  And again the evolution of our relationship grew to include a more open perception of porn. And with each of these little steps my insecurities actually lessened.  Which honestly surprised me very much.  I dearly value my ability to asses all sides of an argument and come to a fair concise conclusion.  Give me facts and I will generate and solution that is fair and equitable for as many parties as possible.  What I lacked in my previous relationship was the knowledge that I have now.  Like I wrote about before, those childhood games that we play that teach us how to read people I soaked up like a sponge.  My happiness is in part due to being a social creature and getting along with very different walks of life and finding ways to accept them for who they are.  Of course now with better parameters in place to ensure that I am not taken advantage of or treated poorly for my acceptance which leads me to where I am at now.

I don't feel as though I was ever given the information to properly make a decision about my sexuality.  There is only one man for every one woman, there is only monogamy as the key to your happiness.  Your job is to search and search until you find that one perfect match, and it is socially acceptable to admit you found the wrong spouse, divorce and go out there and try again.  This equation for happiness has never worked out for me because I have never believed in love at first sight, or that one true love.  To add to confusion I also don't agree with divorce.  Its a baffelling conundrum that I live with each day.  The only way to make a relationship reach an equilibrium without having that basis for a one true love is to adapt, mold and bend your viewpoints to better align with the mate you are with.  Make the best out of what you have because it will be the same shit different pile anywhere you go.  And if you make the decision to have a family you are in it for the long haul and you need to make it work.  However this is the model that I want to live by and my beliefs for me alone.  I do not judge anyone who lives by different beliefs, we are all individuals and that makes humans an incredible species.  Honesty is the key to a relationship and when that is broken then all the rules are broken.  As I stated before, in my previous relationship inside monogamy, cheating was a boundary, the agreed upon terminable offence.  Any agreed upon term must be respected, and adhered to in a loving and healthy relationship

I have gone out and questioned relationships, why they did or didn't work. I have been told that I seek tough men, and a hard lifestyle,  and to consider that my life could be much more pleasant with just a simple loving man at my side.  I have been told to not seek challenge in my relationships but to just seek a partner.  I came to the conclusion that if those were my two options for men types in this world then I was really in a terrible position.  I have thus taken my happiness into my own hands, and not left it up to my partner.  I now seek what make me happy on a day to day.  I am constantly asking the question why does or doesn't it work for myself and others.  By doing this I am creating my own relationship equation that will afford me the happiness that I desire.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

An Introspective: My Own Happiness

I have a flaw, well I have many flaws but one of my largest hindrances in my relationships is effective communication when something is bothering me.  As I completed the writing of my previous blog,  I realized that I really am so much happier.  So I asked myself why I am happy right now, and the answer is nothing is eating away at me.  I just do not have any waiting for a fight or issues in my emotional "outbox".  The majority of my time on this planet historically had been spent trying to resolve family issues or learn how to accept people for who they are.  To move a step forward to find the goodness and love them, even when they repeatedly would hurt me.  I would therefore keep my mouth shut about any issues that would arise and I would look past, grin and bare it.  This was how I learned to forge relationships with my family, which lead to friendships, which lead to sexual relationships.  Be who I am, but allow the person to be who they were and be the bigger person even if they said something to offend or hurt me, after all it is who they are.  I am overgeneralising a bit here, especially when it comes to acquaintances.  My foot has gone in my mouth many a time with people who have irritated me in passing by or early on in our friendship.  But when it came to love of friends and family, then this holds eerily true for almost everyone.

There is an incredibly obvious downfall to this approach, things get too big to handle.  Not dealing with issues when they were small, allowed them to grow into monstrous thorns in my future interactions.  Resulting in one of two things; there would be an emotional eruption by yours truly or else just a complete cut off from the person as I could no longer accept them.  I am fairly easy going, especially now as I get older, so has taken me a long time to really see the pattern here in my relationships.  But I finally have a little clarity, and what's more I have support in changing this terrible flaw.  As I am writing this with the hindsight is 20/20 approach I have a flood of examples to choose from in illustrating this flaw of mine.  It's almost scary how many I have to choose from.  I'm 90% sure that if you know me in person, you will probably know of an example yourself and that is really humbling.  If you don't have an example, perhaps you are one of the lucky ones who I have never ever fought with, or even had a disagreement with.  This may not always be a good sign, or I am just that awesome to be around???  Nope, I most likely have just been passive and overly accepting of you being who you are and finding an inscrutable way to see you for your positives.

I have a family member who every few years or so manages to gossip and put herself into a position of wedging a rift between my best friend and I.  This has been going on every 3 years or so since I was about 9.  The same pattern always occurs, this person builds up confidences in all the family and really good strong bonds and relationships.  Then there is a disagreement between 2 people that does not concern her, however she has these confidences and decides that it is her duty to try and fix or solve the problems.  I am either one of the two people involved in the issue or more often I am asked my opinion or knowledge about the issue.  As I have mentioned before I am a straight shooter whenever I am asked a direct question and we have a fairly small family.  The result of my honesty is each and every time she tries to bate my best friend and I against each other.  Wham bam there is family drama that I get to make apologies and make atonement's for.  I`m sorry that I cannot give specific examples and this sounds concluded, but I am trying my best to protect the identities of any of my family members who may read this.  The lesson that I learned was to keep my mouth shut whenever there are issues.  I didn`t ever want to fight or be put in a position where I could be swayed to give an opinion.  And I learned this lesson so well that it branched into all my adult relationships.

Which is a great example of why I so desperately try not point out any even seemingly little things.  I too quickly have seen how even a tiny or innocent comment has evolved into a large family battle.  These battles suck, no one wins, and everyone involved gets hurt.  So I have spent years avoiding conflict of any kind, as a direct result.  Like I mentioned there have been many many instances along the same lines of the example written above.  So what has changed and what has allowed me to try and work past this flaw making more real relationships that now have the potential for growth?  

For one, the realisation that if there is a person, even family who constantly makes me feel bad about myself or sabotages my relationships, then I can not interact with them without first letting them know.  This is such a taboo in my family, and I know there will be some major flack for it, as I have been raised that family is first.  When the most recent occurrence of the example about happened last year, I wrote a very passionate email to the person.  I tried to brainstorm out a few ways that I felt we could stop discussing any other member of the family behind there backs, thus breaking the potential for something to be said out of context.  I also requested that she give me feedback for things she would like me to try and change so we can slowly rebuild a healthy relationship free of this very painful pattern that has been developed.  I did not receive a reply.  I parted ways in the most mature way I could, where the door is open if she would like to discuss having a healthy relationship in the future, but with a clear indication that I would no longer keep things inside until they reached a fever pitch, or were drawn out of me in her manipulative tactic (whether for good intent or not).  

The next thing which I am taking in very baby steps and uses a lot of bravery on my part, is to only take a couple of minutes to decide if I need to bring something up that's bugging me.  I historically would take hours or even days coming up with a well rounded argument weighing all the pros and cons, and in my head formulating my plan to discuss in great detail.  I was very afraid of saying something in the heat of the moment, or misspeaking, so afraid that I would ensure emotions were completely out of all dealings with issues I had.  Now I take 5 minutes or less to decide what the issue is, and trust that if it took me a whole 5 minutes to decide that when I speak about it my intelligence will kick in enough to articulate my thoughts.  Even if emotion sneaks into it, it is better it out there quicker and allow both partners the same time to discuss or think about the issue if need be.  

With these two little changes in place my happiness level has gone up exponentially.  I don't have the lingering feeling that there is a major issue I need to give thought to.  I have the ability to send an email or try and bring up an issue in a timely manor.  If the issue can't get resolved then it is not the end of the world for the person not to be a part of my life, family or not.  Its a sobering thought to realise how your family interacts with you plays a role in your adult relationships.  Spend some time thinking about how you bring up disagreements or issues with your partner.  Try and take it a step farther and think about how you learned to fight with your siblings or parents and what was necessary for resolutions.  I would love to hear your stories, so please add your comments or find me on twitter @k_ghislaine.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Just live… Quest for Happiness

I am currently reading an interesting book which poses a debate between Freud, and CS Lewis about various subjects stemming from their opposing views on theology, called “The Question of God: C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud Debate God, Love, Sex and the Meaning of Life” by Armand M. Nicholi.  It’s interesting to read on how our views on religion seem to affect how we view happiness as well.  As I wrote about in my previous post, Just Live, the idea of living for yourself and being the beacon of your own happiness is instrumental.  It was really interesting to read about two intelligent individuals in our recent history having this posed debate.  I know that I will look back on my lifetime, especially in the last few years and be proud of the actions I took which resulted in attaining my current happiness level.  I will not have to include anyone else in attribute of that achievement.  This is what drives me to get up every morning, responsibility and complete control of my own self fulfillment. 

Of course we are all individuals and what works for me will not necessarily work for the next man down or even what worked for me in the past.  I have mentioned my previous believe in God and I will admit that I did find a comfort in achieving a lifestyle for him.  I worked diligently to try and follow the teachings of the bible and put my trust in a higher and seemingly more educated power.  The entity that knew inherently what was right and wrong.  In my early teenage years this was a guiding light in a very chaotic time for me.  Slowly though I discovered something about myself, and that was I felt the same sense of well being when I began to internalize my prayers.  When I started putting faith in myself and what I could and couldn’t accomplish I felt a real wholeness, and a more complete me. 

I very slowly recognized that I was blaming God for my shortcomings and praising myself for my achievements.  When this became apparent I realized that it had to be all or nothing, rationally I needed to accept God in my corner for good and bad as a Christian.  And selfishly I realized that I couldn’t do this.  I was the one living, and making choices, so I needed to accept the good and bad in me.  I could not use an alternate force in times of trouble.  I realized that, I was a strong individual and could attain peace and comfort in my own actions.  I didn’t need the navigational principles of religious teachings to be a good and sound human, it was inside me.  And further I grew to believe that our human race would not have evolved to where it is today if this basic and fundamental rational human being did not exist in almost all of us.  Of course there are always exceptions and variations which allow for cruelty and disgusting examples of humans and their behaviour, as evidenced by many of the genocides and corruption in our world.  This is an evolutionary variant and I do not attribute to any faith or lack of faith meme.

This is my journey of my self-discovery, and why I confidently say that I am the source of my own happiness.  When life is stressful or I am in the pitfall of an emotional roller coaster, it is up to me to attain happiness.  It is my choice to stay in a level of poor me, or to find a way to get out of it.  I have chosen to seek professional help when I was not able to get out of a depressed state on my own.  So I will always recognize that there are situations that we are not always able to find solutions to ourselves.  Be it a simple girls night for emotional team building, or therapy and possibly anti-depressants or mood stabilizers with a doctors strict care.

I have a very brave friend who recently posted on facebook a status regarding making mental health as open as physical health.  I couldn’t agree more, as it is with acknowledgement and openness that we are able to fix the symptoms and provide treatment versus putting our health and welfare into invisible beings and faith only. Happiness is attainable, and more than that, it should not be an end goal or a prize for life’s hard work and achievements.  Happiness should be a daily and even hourly reflection of all that we do in life.  A smile every day is the simplest thing we can do.  It’s your life, so live the best way you can, find the happiness inside and out.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Male and Female Reproductive Goals AKA Their Boxes

In primates, survival of the species depends on the female having access to food and the males having access to females. In other words, a male chasing tail is the only way to ensure that he will be able to procreate. Whereas the females chase nutrition in order to not only to survive but to give nutrients to their offspring as the “tail” comes right to them. Now enter humans with our cognitive ability, those pesky emotions, complex thought processes and interpretive skills. The natural order of things in Canada and the USA has females making up 51% of the population, giving the males plenty to choose from.

Let us consider the mountain gorillas for a moment as a case study in regards to their mating effectiveness. The males have an opportunity of creating 0 – 35 offspring in their lifespan, whereas females have the potential of a 5-8 offspring range. Males can mate and walk away, but for females, reproducing takes a huge toll on the body and energy levels. So the goal of the male universally is to mate as often as possible and for females it’s more or less quality over quantity to ensure overall survival. It’s interesting to note here too that the females are the concerned one when it comes to incestual mating and of little or no concern to the male. Food for thought! Thus our society evolved and developed social norms and constraints to aid in the evolutionary balance. Thereby trying to prevent men from running amuck, also giving females support financially and socially. 

There is a really interesting society that I am linking here, where it seems the development was geared more towards a natural evolution versus an intellectual evolution. And by that I mean the females have support of family to raise their children, thus they evolved with a lot more parallels to primate social and mating systems than typical other societies found around the world, article here. It is an incredible read and challenges the brain to imagine a completely out of the box way of looking at our system for rearing children. And that is really what it is all about isn’t it? Trying to look outside the box of social systems that many of us don’t even feel like we are in? Well until that box gets wet and we need to find a way to dry it or move. Charming little visual eh? So do you want to stay in your box or explore the possibilities of different shapes, and sizes? Perhaps even create a box all of your own?

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Shhh... It's a secret! My X-Mas Gift Advice

X-mas is right around the corner, and thus may I present a little relationship blog on gift giving.  I was trying hard not to listen to the ladies seated in front of me on a recent flight, but of course my curiosity got the best of me when their volume rose.  The two ladies were in their late 30's and both wore very nice looking wedding bands.  So clearly they must have a few relationship tips if they are already married right?  Well sadly they were not bragging about how amazing their sex life was or anything remotely positive in the marriage world.  Instead they were bitching about the recent gifts their husbands had purchased.

Here's my little recap.  Blond lady received a lavish necklace, but is too embarrassed to wear it.  It's much to ornate and doesn't go with her day to day image.  Brunette lady recently received a bath spa kit she swears she saw at Costco.  Therefor Brunettes husband bought her a last minute gift and Blond's husband doesn't really know her tastes after all these years.  Then the usual "there, there, it's the thought that counts".  And the sobbing, "but why does he think I'm so superficial that the cost would be more than the thought?".  Did I mention I was on my way to Vegas and was listening to a lady cry about a gorgeous necklace?

I cannot possibly say that I am above this conversation and that I have not had it in my early dating years.  I am sure that I did, but I spent a lot of effort ensuring that once I was made aware this behavior ended.  And I will tell you why. There are many ways to look at a relationship.  I try to be as realistic and level headed as I can be.  This is how I look at the gift giving side to my relationships, you must make a choice based on your own values.

If being surprised is the most important thing to you on X-mas morning then you get to deal with the reality that the opening and anticipation is you favorite part of the gift.  And when you open the package you may or may not get a bonus.  If on the other hand you really value the gift inside, then please for the love of all my sanity just tell the person what you want!  Give them a list to pick from or tell them in an active conversation what you would like this year as a present.  He is not a mind reader and no he has not been listening for the last 6 months for the little hints like you have.  Woman pay attention to a different sort of detail than men do, and this gives us many advantages I think in a long term relationship.  This is a strength of woman, and less so of the average male.

To segway into one of my favorite topics, which of course is sex, there are many parallels with this advice.  If you love surprises and want the ball in his court, then lie back and enjoy him taking control.  But if on the other hand there is something that you want to try, or more of, then he needs to be told.  The man is not going to listen carefully for the changes in your moaning to determine what move he makes next.  Have the conversation and take charge of your happiness and improving your own life.  Do not put it in your partners hands and then bitch to your friends that there is something missing.

What says more about your relationship?  That you can communicate and add to each others happiness or the lamenting that he is not the mind reader you want him to be?  And if you are one of the women all about the thrill of surprise, please brag about the surprise itself.  As we all know sometimes whats inside isn't what we expected, so realize this and remember what's really important to you.  You can enjoy the surprise or the gift inside.  Either way put yourself in a position to find your happiness either way.  Life's short, so enjoy.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Ladies Night

I'm going to keep this post nice and short.  I hope I am not the only one who has had a conversation with her boyfriend that just bores him to tears?  Well I have, and what's more I have a boyfriend who will call me out on it.  Which is for the most part a good thing.  If I hear this more than once or twice in a few week span, then I know it is time for a girls night out.  It seems really simple, but for some reason this took me a long time to really figure out.

I was taught that the man in your life is your best friend and you should be able to share anything and everything with.  This is how I have historically approached every relationship.  With this notion that whatever is going on in my little coconut then my partner wants to hear.  Reality check!  He doesn't.  Low and behold there was a solution and that solution is a girls night out.  There is something so amazingly stabilizing about having an evening out with the ladies.  Having the opportunity to chat in chick speak and get some emotions off your chest.  And the same holds true for the opposite sex.  Having a guys night, drinking beers, shooting the shit, it's cathartic and feels oh so great.

So as I pack to go to Las Vegas for a few days, I leave you with this.  If you see the eyes rolling in your partner after you have prattled on for a few minutes, recognize what this means.  Call up the ladies, get dressed up and go for a evening out.  Oh and tell your man exactly what you're up to.  Let him know that it's not his job to hear the latest gossip or about your woman problems.  But rather that you will come home with some fabulous stories about how you were told he was the luckiest man on earth to have such an amazing woman.  Quality time with your man beats quantity any day.


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Childhood Games Defining Our Current Relationship Filter

The dynamic between each couple is unique.  One partner may be dominant for a percentage of the time and the other the remaining.  We all know that couple where the woman wears the pants and has the guy by the short and curlys.  Or the abusive relationship, where the woman is uncomfortably submissive.  It’s a pleasure each day to be able to observe the differences and similarities in the interactions of people.  Online can be a skewed window, whereas watching in person people interact there are so many lessons to be learned.  I have often found myself stating that I never want to be that woman, or I would never treat my man like that especially in public.  There is a skillset that is learned from early on for interacting with people, and choosing who we have relationships with.  We have learned the ability to quickly filter and sort through millions of people in our lifetime and arguably keep about 150 on a more than just an acquaintance level.

To learn the basics we as children are socialized with other children.  So much of preschool and kindergarten is guided sharing, and playing nice, societal moulding.  As we progress to recess the boundaries get pushed further to higher energy games of tag, and red rover.  I recently had a conversation about the pros and cons of banning the aforementioned games in the school yard.  We both remember the how dangerous the games could be, but ultimately felt that these social connections learned from these simple games far outweighed the consequences.  For example, take Red Rover, you have two rows of people facing each other with hands held.  If the kid from team A runs and breaks through the arms of two kids on team B they get to take a player back to their team A.  If they don’t break through then they become part of team B.  In a very short amount of time the team has to reach a consensus and strategize the person they would like to run towards them into their arms.  There are many variations, do you want the really weak kid who won’t break through but is then a weak link on your team or do you risk the strongest player on their team not being able to break through and thereby strengthening your own team.  The other team has a choice too, they can decide which pair of people to try and run through there by trying to secure their own stronghold in dominance. 

This is a very simplified explanation, but a few really interesting things to consider.  The speed with which kids are able to make these decisions is amazing.  Kids are able to make judgements in a very short amount of time and work together as a team for a common goal.  Not only are these very snap decisions, but looking back I very rarely remember a time where one team absolutely dominated the other team consistently.  The original teams are picked with two captains who alternate their picks in a very democratic process.  Almost always the teams started fair and ended with a similar outcome.  Now imagine not having the opportunity to learn these skills at such a young age.  Imagine walking into a room without these basics and trying to pick out the person of most value to network with.  This is the new reality we are walking into, where kids are no longer allowed to play these very important socialization games on the playground, and thus when they grow up these skills will take much longer to learn. 

I am very curious to watch the power struggles of this next generation and to see where our society will take us by opting for the safety of our children over making them sound and whole human beings.  There is a price to pay for every decision, but I wonder what this will be on making those connections with a possible spouse.  Just a little blog hopefully to get you thinking about what has defined the social skills you have today and how you may have learned to filter those around you in such a necessary way.

Friday, 4 November 2011

How To Stay Seductive in the Long Term

I blogged a wee bit about flirting for the newly out of a relationship, here.  For a relationship to have happiness in the long term things are a little different.  One aspect that I constantly see left behind is the seduction. Seduction is not just for landing yourself a mate. Seduction can be the glue that keeps your relationship exciting for the long haul. If the basics for the relationship are there, then putting in the effort to keep things exciting should be an exciting venture. 

It’s a myth that seduction always has to be about lighting candles, chocolate and sex. Actually in my experience the instability of a few lows mixed in with the highs works extremely well. There are times that the emotional bonds forged, when tears are shed really goes so much deeper than just constantly being sexy. Humans have a wide range of emotions, so with a bit of skill you can take your partner on an emotional roller coaster. There is a part of me that hesitates to write that last statement so I will do a little clarification. I am writing this blog on the basis that you have a firm foundation and have been together for quite a while. In the first 6 months or so, using any of these techniques may allow for the crazy or unstable persona, and these things can occur quite naturally. 

You know your partner, and you have built up the trust enough to know how far you may push him/her. So now is time for the fun part of being in a long term relationship. Here are a few not so secrets that have worked in my relationships. And hopefully you recognize that subconsciously you have been doing this all along, but now you can bring it to a conscious level with a bit more control and technique.

Firstly it’s really important that you break up your routines every once and a while. Nothing spells stagnant or unsexy like the same old thing night after night, even if you both really enjoy routine. If you have schedules that you must keep week in and out, find time to break the pattern every so often. If you both love movie night, switch it up by getting dressed up and seeing a live play or performance or any variance on the day in day out. Have your coffee in bed rather than at the kitchen table, just be creative.  This occurred naturally when you first met and had to mesh each others schedules and fit time for the other.  So re-enact that from time to time.

The next thing is to have a dynamic relationship. Being happy and having fun day in and day out can get boring. A little drama can go a long way, and make up sex is beyond exciting. Have you ever tried stirring the pot just a little bit, but for a positive result? Something really simple to get you started, have a little water fight, or tickle each other. There is no malice intent, just creating a dynamic playing field where you are able to cycle through a range of emotions together. Just writing this I am able to clearly see all these events that naturally took place in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationships. And it takes skill and knowledge to re create these events for the future and keep that new love feeling going strong.  How funny that these things don’t seem like you are seducing at all hence why seduction is so much more than physical.

Be thoughtful and spontaneous. Leave a note on his pillow, or when you grocery shop pick up their favourite treat. Just anything little that elicits an unconscious smile. Don’t forget body contact. Think back on the days when you first met and couldn’t keep your hands off of each other. Give a scalp massage while watching your favourite show, or a quick spank when cooking dinner. All these things you have done in the past, but with life moving forward so quickly these actions become rare. 

Put some thought into your favourite memories of the time spent together in the first few weeks, and draw from those experiences your inspiration for a conscious seduction. Its amazing how intuitive these actions can be when the hormones are flowing and there is the element of new. For a long term success you will be able to keep things on this dynamic plane and keep the new alive.  These are just a few of the techniques that have worked for me.  Try a few, and please feel free as always to offer some suggestions :)

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Pro.... Choice?

I had started working on a blog today which was happy and a totally different direction from my every week writing, then a walked through a Pro Life display and I changed my mind.  I frequently discuss how my writing is not meant to influence anyone's choices.  I selfishly hope that at least one blog rings true for one person, and that I am not necessarily alone in my views.  But here I sit knowing that I cannot stay mute on this topic that has me now so emotionally charged.

When I was in grade 7 at a catholic junior high, one of my teachers was discussing viewpoints in our health class.  He told us a story about his wife and her best friend.  The two women were incredibly close, but had learned over the years that they had morally different viewpoints regarding pro life and pro choice.  They were on such opposite sides of the fence that neither woman could ever bring this subject up or the friendship of many years would be over.  Looking back at that story I am number one, amazed that our catholic teacher didn't get in trouble for telling it.  And number two, shocked by what an impact this subject has on people, myself included.

As far as I can tell there seems to be 4 viewpoints out there in regards to a woman finding out she is pregnant.
1)Keep it
2)Give it up for adoption
3)Terminate the pregnancy
4)Leave the decision in "God's" hands (yes I can hear the moral outcry for this one)

I am calling a spade a spade here and I am not pulling any punches.  I am outraged by any community/group and or organization feeling that they have any right to sway a woman's decision.  What's worse is to make a woman feel any shame or guilt about such a personal subject.  Too many doctors have been harassed and even murdered by these people that I am sickened to the core.  I know that I may be losing a whole bunch of readers by posting this blog, as I am already losing a few people on facebook for my comments.

Here's the way I see it.  The decisions when you are surprised by a pregnancy are hard.  It is an emotional roller coaster and something that you live with for the rest of your life.  Plus you have all these hormones to deal with too.  I believe that every woman should be given a list of her 3 options, no number 4 is not valid, it is just a great way to pass the buck!  When presented with these 3 options, she should be given contact information to research or talk to a representative for all three choices.  Give her a few days to decide and weigh out her own personal lifestyle and make a decision that she is the most OK with.  Individuals will make the correct decision for their own person if provided with facts and opportunity to do any additional research and ask as many questions as they need to. 

I am pro choice because they provide these options.  If family doctors throughout the country were responsible enough to provide this clear information to all of their patients in an unbiased way, well the world would have a little less judgement in it.  I am still in shock about how emotionally charged up I felt walking through those displays.  They are put up to initiate a response, and open the door to spew their viewpoints into willing and unwilling passersby.  I feel that this is not a responsible method for distributing their views.  Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment below as I know that communication and education is key in dealing with these situations.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

How Can I Say I’m in Love?

I was presented with a bit of a challenge while I was discussing my blog with a friend recently.  He asked me if I was in love, and I said yes.  He gave me a really skeptical look at my response and said that if I was in love then my partner would be the only man I would want and vice versa.  Further he went on to say that we live in a society in which we pay taxes and follow the natural order.  There are rules and guidelines that we must abide by in order to live in this society.  I am paraphrasing a bit here as there was a large quantity of booze during this interlude.  Suffice to say though; I completely understand where he is coming from.  I have family who have stated quite clearly that I must be missing out by choosing a man who doesn’t put me on a pedal stool.  That I am somehow settling by being with someone who may stray from time to time.
This is a very hard viewpoint to argue against, so I will only make a few little points or examples that are not to be taken as persuasive.  But more or less illustrate that I am living my life with eyes wide open and there are many benefits to my level of thinking.  I have previously provided the dictionary definition of love, but for kicks here is the urban dictionary definition.  Which of course the first one make me giggle.  I read through about 5, and the answers submitted are so varied it can really makes me wonder why that is.  As a society we cannot cohesively agree on what love is.  Yet we can very quickly judge someone else and tell them that they are not in fact in a loving relationship because they are missing x,y, and/or z.  This sort of hypocrisy is fully accepted in our society, as a judgmental being that has the rights to tell us who and how to love.
That being said, I still talk about myself being in love.  My point of reference for this is that I am truly happy and generally in a great mood and my life is moving in a positive way.  Also when I say I love you to my partner it feels great and hearing it does the same, very simple and honest.  I try very hard to take preconceived notions out of my life and that includes others definitions of love.  I live to make myself happy and when someone is making themselves happy alongside me, there is an opportunity for an amazing journey.
The next little point is one that I have blogged specifically, a man's nature, which in discussion with quite a few of the male variety they agree with.  Well I should clarify, they admit to agreement on the preface that they are not married.  If married then the rules change, to complete and utter monogamy… But prior then yes men have a tendency to stray.  When they cheat in marriage it’s a “one time” thing and will never ever happen again… until the next time.  Ok so I am being a little sarcastic in my tone, not out of anger, but more or less I get frustrated with the lack of honesty.  But this brings me to my conclusion which is living in a relationship where my partner knows who he is.  This does not mean that he loves me any less than any man out there, or any more.  Just that I won’t make him come crawling home begging for forgiveness and promising that it will never happen again.  I won’t emasculate him for being himself.  For me the true test of a relationship is honesty, and this includes being honest with yourself first and foremost.

Friday, 28 October 2011

Dating: The How To... Online

I received a comment from dating, how to, and I realized that this needed a full blog.  I really love feedback and your comments.  It keeps my writing current and hopefully you the reader coming back to this site or maybe even bookmarking it as a favorite?  So onwards for the topic of internet dating and meeting people from the cyber land in person for the first time.  I have dated, met friends, and my current boyfriend all via the online world of internet dating.  I fully endorse this system of getting out there as an amazing tool if used correctly and I will elaborate on that shortly.  For this blog I have also sourced out some questions to a man who almost made a full time job of the online dating scene to ensure that the information provided will work for both sexes.

So first and foremost, breath, and relax.  I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but when I found myself single and very alone, it was my mom who suggested the online world.  I took her advice, poured myself a glass of wine and began to create my online profile.  I'm not sure if it was to booze or the nerves of putting myself into the online world of dating but suffice to say I learned a lot about myself.  I followed the structure that the dating site provided, answered all questions and uploaded a couple of photos.  Within a week I deleted the profile!  The main reason being is that the stuff I wrote about myself, based on the responses from the guys online, just wasn't who I really was.  Which brings me to a really critical point about the online world, it is so easy to write a profile depicting the person you think you are or want to be.  And this is exactly what I had inadvertently done.

In the back of my mind I knew I couldn't be objective about who I was, and I needed to figure out a few things.  I began to write a bit and really figure out what makes me me.  Two and a half weeks later I re wrote a profile and gave it another shot.  When I was able to write objectively and keep in mind that these are men I potentially want to meet I was more honest and upfront.  I know I stretched the truth in my first profile, so I am sympathetic with those who want to write about themselves in the best light possible.  But I would really recommend writing about the good and truthful attributes that make you so special and sexy to a possible mate, and just keep the rest to yourself.  No use lying as it's a dead end when you meet in person.

Next step is to have fun.  Possibly a harder one to do as the temptation to keep it really serious and find that soulmate can be very strong. But here's the reality, you will not and I quote here, "hit a home run the first time you get out there".  Online dating is a very specific skill set and it takes a bit of practice.  If you take it too seriously you will sink, you will get frustrated and you will not want to ever tell anyone that you met your partner online.  It's fun going through photos and checking out profiles, so don't kid yourself.  It's a great invention this online dating pool, as you get a photo and a few written words or a predefined survey that the anonymous person has filled out.  Are they a smoker? do they have kids? a car? and the list goes on.  These questions are things that you don't get to ask on a first date or in a bar, so there is an element that makes it easier to weed out people.  There are many tools built into this online system that if used correctly and in a fun way can give you some great experiences.

I'm going to give a few tips that helped me out and I hope will be valuable to someone out there too.  I firmly believe that an online dating site is like a great sorting hat.  That being said it's remarkably easy to sway and get swayed buy the written word.  One of the systems I implemented for myself was not to write back and forth more than a few times before setting up a meeting in person.  It is very easy to idealize an only person that you seem to click with over the net.  The studies have shown that there is a very specific chemistry that either occurs or just doesn't in a first time meeting.  It sucks when you have invested a month chatting with someone, you really feel that everything clicks, and then you meet, and bleh!  There is just nothing there.  And believe me this happened so freaking often to me that it prompted this meeting rule.

This goes hand in hand with a point that my "expert" mentioned which is that you can use this opportunity to meet new people.  Keep the online sweet and simple, use it as a filtering tool.  As well it was recommended to meet all sorts of people. especially those that you may not normally seek out.  I have met a few people online, that when we got together there was no chemistry, but still there was something awesome about them that made us continue a great friendship.  If you are having fun, you open the doors to new experiences and get to experience new people.  Plus if you are having fun with it, making mistakes is not so costly.  And guess what?  There are a tonne of mistakes to be made when meeting a person for the first time under these circumstances. 

Because of this some safeguards should be in place, especially for the female variety.  I always told a friend the time and location of each person I was meeting.  I even went so far as to have them on the phone while I waited for the guy to show up.  This ensured that if it was a total creep or I felt uncomfortable I had an very easy out.  Of course public places are a must.  This next tip is good to keep in mind both with the first meeting and the first date, and that is that for all Internets and purposes this is a total stranger.  Do not be afraid to walk away if they have outright lied about their appearance.  Who knows what else they could be lying about.  This warning is a bit dire, however safety is something to always consider and there is truth to online predators.

The last point as brought up by the comment that sparked this blog is about facebook and social media.  Learn from past mistakes and don't give out your facebook information.  This is a total stranger and these sites are for friends or family.  You open yourself up to a whole heap of uncomfortable outcomes by letting this person have access to your life in this way.  A few examples of why I don't encourage this sharing of information are as follows.  You are granting the person access to your information, even as simple as the way your friends interact with you online, this person is not a friend at this point.  Also you are giving the person permission to perceive you in a way that may not be the way you really are or as people who have known you for years do.  This goes hand in hand with not sending more than a few emails before meeting.  Its very easy to get sucked into reading into pictures or comments of a person you barely know, and projecting your own experiences into their online memories.  Very creepy, and of course this can lead directly into stalking of you or your friends. 

On that note, have fun firstly.  Be safe and enjoy the experience of meeting all these new people.  Of course if you meet a creep or have the worst date ever, write it down, or share it with your friends.  Look back on the adventure with as much fondness as you can, because you made it fun. Your life has new people in it because of this online world of dating.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Dating: The How To.... If She/He Has Children?

I have reached a point in my life when I now have a few very close single friends who have children, and most recently found out that a friend is dating a man with a child.  Aside from that being a really scary reality check, I know that there are many questions out there about this topic.  So I thought I would share a bit about my knowledge on this subject.  Please be pre-warned that I am very passionate about a few points I will bring up and I will do my best not to point fingers in the process.

I was raised by a single mother for over half of my childhood.  Although things weren't perfect one thing looking back that she did incredibly well was to ensure that any dating she did, didn't involve me.  She is still a very attractive woman, who has told me a bit here and there about her dating life now that I am an adult.  As a child though I was kept in the dark.  She always put me first and foremost, very similar to the powerful women in my life who are raising children of their own.  With this being said, there is one incident that I hope will raise a bit of a warning, and I write it again trying not to point fingers.

My mom and dad divorced when I was less than two years old.  I lived with my mom full time and saw my dad without any real consistency.  My mom explained that she couldn't be with my dad, and in my eyes that meant that every time he came around it was for me and me alone.  Being an only child this meant that my mom lived only for me, and my dad lived only for me when he was around.  When I was eight (or thereabouts) that spell was broken.  I walked upstairs to kiss my mom before school and found her and my dad asleep in bed together.  I vividly remember the shock and wave of emotions that overtook me.  I went to school and I think I even got in a bit of a fight but its a little hazy.  That moment when I realized that I now had to share my parents, and that they could have a relationship that wasn't all about me sent me into shock.

Here's the thing though, both my parents really thought that this was a great thing for the family.  My mom who had protected me all those years didn't have a clue how much this upset the precious balance of our divorced family.  And I had no idea what these feelings meant at the time, or why I had them.  I do know very shortly after I received my first puppy, I wonder if this was related in any way?  At any rate this traumatic event set into motion my extreme empathy for all children who have divorced parents, and really gives me a passion for the subject. 

When I was recently told by a friend that her new boyfriend had a young child I very quickly gave her some words of advice.  I asked her, "please don't rush to meet the kid, as it complicates things".  In a new relationship its all about getting to know the new and potential partner.  Statistically the relationship will not last more than a few days or weeks.  It takes a lot of time and a bit of luck to really find someone who is a potential for a more long term commitment.  But when you rush to meet the child too soon that can really skew the natural process.  In most cases the kids are really cute, and amazing.  The innocence is intoxicating and you see the other person in a whole new light.  A person living for their child, a very tender and incredible sight.

I personally would have a hell of a time walking away from that, or not letting this invade my thought process for a long term commitment.  Introduction of children into a new and budding relationship is just not fair.  The feelings now go beyond anything superficial and become about family.  You have been given a pass to overlook certain characteristics of this potential suitor because you now see them in this most amazing environment.   Our instincts to toss out, and be a picky as we can become less than accurate.  This doesn't even take into consideration if the child is older and sees you as this new and exciting person.  Adults must remain adults in this situation, as the child lives free hearted or vicariously through a new and unique situation. 

As for dating when you have a child, being that I don't have any of my own, all I can say, is that it is your responsibility to protect your children from an adult environment.  Date, get laid, have fun and live your life, but keep your child first and foremost. Sheltered from the dating life that is no place for a young child.  Place boundaries on adult time and the undivided attention that you give them when you are home.  Try and be a real person to them, this will help so much when they are teenagers.  Again, my mom did an amazing job with this and I love her so much for being a real friend and mother when I needed her.  And sometimes when I didn't think I did.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Just Get Laid!

This post is a bit of a follow up to my previous post.  I want to elaborate a bit about the meaning here. This previous post was really to illustrate how sex outside a relationship is mainly just sex.  That it can be just a physical attraction and nothing more if all parties are on the same page.  This time I want to get into a few more of the reasons why I feel sex really makes this world a better place.

Have you ever had boss who was just a total bag and thought, "they just need to get laid"?  Well consider the linked article here, which has now moved so suffice to say it is a standard 1 through 10 list that has been rehashed hundreds of times in different ways.  Points 1-9 are well documented throughout the medical world.  Endorphin's are released during sex and strenuous physical activity which is a benefit to health and happiness.  Our spidey senses tingle when that person is in a crowded room, who needs that pick me up.  So we know what the lack of sex looks like, and the common consensus is that once that person gets laid that look of overworked, general bitchiness will dissipate.  So case one for sex being a good thing.

On a quick side note, please let me stress that point 10, has in no way shape or form been documented in an unbiased medical study.  I have searched and searched and there is absolutely no evidence for this claim (which I will await a reply with their citations and update with the reply).  What I have found is this article.  As well I have written before please read, "Sex at Dawn". So lets get back to the point of this blog.

Have you ever heard this comment? "We only had sex 6 times in the last year", or "We only have sex on special occasions".  This sends shivers up my spine and not in a good or kinky way.  There is an almost dead look in the eyes of the speaker of these statements.  Upon hearing this the first time, I being in a monogamous relationship at the time and a bit of a prude, declared that yes indeed this is a legitimate reason to cheat.  There were a few shocked looks that I was endorsing cheating, but seriously I couldn't comprehend going that long without sex.  Denying your partner sex is a major detriment to having a healthy relationship.  Please note that I recognize health factors that are beyond a persons control as the exception to this rule and I state this fact based on healthy, sexually able individuals only.  A friend put it very eloquently to me the other day, "its not that I can't live with out it or anything like that but to me its the true moment it creates".  Here here!

And finally the last point I would like to make on the subject of just get laid is the challenge.  This one hits home for me and I have to be a little careful of where this one takes me.  I am competitive, and being in an open relationship it allows for getting laid becoming a bit of a sport.  I have the comfort of knowing I have a loving bed to come home to, but this creates a bit a dichotomy in me.  I can now push myself to seduce people either out of my league or in a position that is appealing for a reason other than a partner.  The aspect of getting laid for more of a challenge is quite exhilarating being that I can really take my time and seduce.  And to be clear it is rare that the seduction does lead to full out sex, normally the challenge is enough for me.  As well with this I have a long list of rules that I will not break to ensure everyone's safety, anonymity and emotional damage.  This can put the fun in sex for me and give a playful variety.

So the moral?  Just get laid, it makes me happy and I am sure I am not the only one :)

Friday, 14 October 2011

Dating... The How To?

So I was listening to a Dan Savage podcast this morning, whereby the caller said that he had forgotten how to date.  This is a very common statement that I have heard time and time again and if I have used the same line in the past, let me apologize right here and now.  I am very sorry for ever saying that I have forgotten how to date.  Let me tell you why.

Last night I was having a conversation with a dear friend and we were discussing past relationships.  Dating of course came up and I mentioned that I really didn't start dating until university.  On a side note, my parents both asked me if I was a lesbian all throughout junior high and high school because I never brought guys home or dated, thanks mom and dad!  I had one major relationship that ran its course through many dating scenarios (which I will save for a later date) over an 8 year period.  But that really I was not super informed when it came to dating and made many many mistakes along the way.  The guy I was talking to looked shocked and asked such a simple question, which to paraphrase was, "well how can you be blamed, did anyone ever teach you how to date or be in a relationship?"  Crap!  I know for a fact that was never sat down by my parents and told how they dated, what worked or didn't work.  I of course had the birds and the bees talk when I was 6 or 7 and that was a very funny story in itself.  I recall the horrible time my mom first asked me if I was sexually active, also a hilarious story that I can just finally laugh about now.  But nothing on dating.  

How can we possibly be successful in finding a mate if we are never taught how to date?  Doesn't it seem strange that the only tried and true method is trial and error?  I am positive that within my family alone there so much wisdom and knowledge about how to date.  But the only stories I grew up hearing were about how the current spouse was met.  And this is why I must apologize for not knowing how to date.  I was not taught, it was through trial and error that I found any male in my life.  Realizing this, its almost laughable that we are able to find anyone compatible on any level.  Thank goodness for the aid of dating websites.  At least those sites allow you to ask and answer question about the people out there, but when it comes to meeting them, sink or swim!

The typical relationship out there is a failing vessel.  Not only do many relationships fight true happiness (whatever that may be for each individual), but we do not have the tools to meet the best possible mate in the shortest amount of time.  There is so much knowledge that our parents learned, or even our grandparents that just seems to be a taboo topic.  Or maybe its just a detail they would rather leave out.  The perpetual cycle that they weren't very adept at it, so they were great full to leave the dating scene as soon as possible.  A very common sentiment, that rush to leave the dating scene as it is too big and scary.  The safety of a relationship, which I might mention was not on my how to list either.  

So please, if you have a family, try and break this cycle.  Teach your children that dating isn't so scary, it can be a lot of fun and an amazing way to truly learn who you are before you say your I do's.  Keep the next generation as informed as we can so we pass on knowledge and not just our baggage, even if it is embarrassing.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Flirting: My First Topic Request

So as the title states I am very excited to have had my first topic request the other day.  Here are my thoughts on flirting.
First things first, be prepared to fail.  Rejection can be really hard to take especially for a person newly out of a relationship, or even just lonely.  For me, I had liquid courage the first time I went out to flirt and I failed miserably (the story will be coming up shortly).  I had to learn two lessons very quickly: First, that the worst thing that can happen when you pick a target is the guy (or girl) is going to say is no, or fuck off.  Really, that's easy to get over and once you hear it a couple of times your skin thickens and you move right on.  I would recommend if you are rusty, go up to a guy really out of your league.  Seriously it's one of those no harm no foul moments where if you luck out, fantastic.  If you don't, well no loss you got the first and hardest no out of the way.

The second thing, and this is really crucial, is to determine your end game.  I know that can sound a little silly but there is an excellent reason.  I personally cannot stand women who are teases.  They monopolize a guy's attention for the night, then giggle, and go home alone or to their boyfriends/husbands getting what they need only.  I have been the shoulder for many a guy wondering what the hell just happened and how much they now hate women.  And with great reason, there is just no place for a tease and I will not support that. If your end game is simply attention, then please please, get a little attention and then move on.  The guy has needs too, and if you knowingly take up all his attention and plan on going home alone, that can crush a guys esteem and is really selfish on your part.  Sorry about the vent, moving on.

Once you choose if the night is for a little pick me up, or to get a little action, it helps to know your target, and that I would recommend reading Robert Greene's, The Art of Seduction. The book does a really great job of defining the different seducers and also explains what your own type is.  If you have any other suggestions for me I would love to hear about them.  Once you have a firm grasp of what your strengths and weakness' are, flirting can be so exciting and there are so many boundaries to push through.  As the book mentions, you can apply seduction to all aspects of your life, including the business world.  However this is not always easy the first time.

When I first went out to flirt it was to build up my confidence.  To give me a feeling of sex appeal and a little re-assurance that I could potentially find someone else and would not end up alone.  I went to the bar very desperate for attention and it showed.  I was insecure and waiting for anyone to make eye contact while I very ungracefully chugged a few too many cocktails.  I should mention that I also was on a pub a crawl, clearly I had no idea what I was doing.  I can laugh now at the whole scene but here I was drunk, going from bar to bar, and getting sloppy.  I have no idea how it happened, but I ended up being that girl that I have felt sorry for so many times.  By leaving the bar with some random guy, and in the morning doing the walk of shame.  Not the highlight of my flirting career let me tell you.

Now for some things that actually work.  Sex appeal has a lot to do with confidence.  I asked a guy once why he slept with a girl, that let's say didn't share his same fitness beliefs.  His reply was quite simply she made the first move and was very confident.  I was in awe, and did not fully realize just the impact that this has.  I personally had been after this guy for a while, and to find out that the pining over him was incredibly un-attractive really hit home.  There are quite a few other tricks that I have learned, and I will try and share them all in the upcoming blogs.  But if you walk in with confidence, know what you are after, and are able to push away the fear of rejection (without booze) you have already won the initial battle.