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Saturday, 6 June 2015

Fading Away from Me

Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet.  When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out.  I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back.  I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be.  I changed a lot about myself.  I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.  

Now I find myself in yet another transitional period.  I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read.  I don’t like that.  There is something alluring about being  mysterious, but that is not the term being used.  I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle.  An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime.  The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.  

I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl.  And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore.  I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself.  Losing faith in my own core instincts.  I can’t promise that I will just get it back.  But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again.  Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off. 

When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone.  Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends.  I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way.  So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends.  However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again.  Yes, that is super hard to write.  The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before.  They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth.  If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life.  Nor will I. 

I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me.  I trust myself.  I can do what I set my mind to.  And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them.  I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions.  Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Dating Together: The First Date as a Team

In November E and I went on our first date as a couple in over a year.  We met up with a guy who was in an open relationship for a drink.  This was a big step for us, and one that we were very excited to start experiencing together.  We had found the guy online and his picture was quite pleasant.  His e-mails made it sound like he had a girlfriend that was open herself and that this would be the introduction meeting with the potential of the four of us meeting at a later time.  Perfect.   Also it was a great way to rip off the bandaid so to speak and just get out there, as a team.  Thus the time and place were set.

Now a few funny things happened.  One, we had a huge cold snap in this fair city.  Perhaps that doesn’t seem funny, but the fact that we braved nearly 35 below zero to go meet a perfect stranger in hopes of getting some strange has a point of humour to it.  The second is that I took the guys phone number down wrong.  So when I texted to say we had arrived, I had an awkward text conversation with a random and confused guy, plus no way to get a hold of the actual guy. 

Now here is the thing.  The guy showed up nearly 45 minutes late.  Which of course we gave a pass to given the weather.  However, when he walked up, he was easily 20 years older and also heavier than his picture.  I think he was also missing some hair, but I could be a little fuzzy on that detail.  Either way, I would never had known it was him, if not for him sitting down at our table.  I recall thinking we should just get up and walk away.  Had I been alone meeting, I probably would have just snuck out.  Judge if you want, but getting lied to in picture is a big deal breaker for me.  However, having E with me, and after a few subtle get on the same page glances we stayed for a drink. 
The drinks went fine.  We had pleasant chit chat and together learned our first big lesson in dating together.  And that is how to politely reject a person, and who out of the two is the person who gets to pull that trigger.  In this circumstance we decided it would be nicer if I did it while E was in the washroom to save a little face.  Rejection is a tough one to fathom, but imagine the stress and pressure of having two people reject you at the same time?  It was and is a whole new way of looking at dating for us.  And as I am starting to find out, just the first of many hard lessons to be learned.

As a side note though, I do have a social criticism of just how overly polite society is turning.  We would have been within our rights to call this guy out for the fraudulent picture and wasting our time.  Instead, we just pretended that he looked kind of, almost close and had a few beers and some friendly conversation.  We took it as a learning experience, glass half full sort of scenario.  Even the let down, we tried to do as kindly as possible.  I mean you cannot be rude or mean to a person you just met.  You cannot just call a person out, and push that limit of social norms, can you?  As I look back, on this experience, it would have been nice if I had tried not being such a pussy, and calling this guy out.  I am quickly finding out, months later, that I would be enjoying this whole couples dating thing so much more if I could remove that desperate need to take into consideration other people’s feelings before my own.   More on that to come soon.

Monday, 9 March 2015

Freedom of Expression

I adore blogging.  I love the freedom of expression that comes as a result and how I am able to deal and let go with things through the written word.  Lately though this freedom has really come into question for me.  A couple of things arose around a similar time frame and I find myself sitting on 4 or 5 nearly finished posts and yet, the result is that I am unable to press the publish button. 

Firstly, my blog’s host site reviewed their nudity policy.  This had me reeling in defiance, and resulted in me angrily saying that no one will censor me.  I have been researching and studying various ways to gain more control over what and how I post.  Quite soon I hope I will have an announcement over the final destination of my blog, but for the time being, it was just a hindrance to my posting.  I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to continue to blog in the same way, or on the same forum. 

The next issue that arose was one of readership.  I have acquired a few new faces in my inner circle.  As a result of me being open and honest, they are aware of my blog.  Up until this point I have always written with myself in mind, and said screw it to anyone who reads.  These are my thoughts and feelings and although they may be emotional to some readers, my opinion is what fuels my writing.  And I lament that I lost sight of that.  I did not want to write anything that could potentially hurt the relationships that E and I are trying to form.  This unfortunately has led me to bottle a few things up that I have not been used to closing the door to.  I had a really rough day yesterday trying to deal with my emotions on my own, and suddenly I realized, that is the very reason I started blogging.  I was learning how to be in an open relationship and deal with all my emotions.  I realized yesterday just how badly I needed my outlet to put my thoughts and feelings down so I could organize them.  To write without fear of the reactions of others.

My blog centers me, and helps me sort through emotions, especially those that are new to me.  I need that in my life.  And I need to do that free of censorship from any front or angle.  I won’t make a blanket apology, even though I am tempted and feel that it would be appropriate.  I don’t want to be absolved of the reactions or feelings that may arise in reading about the life that I love so much.  I do make mistakes.  And I need to make them.  I need to say what I feel even if that may offend or cause an unexpected reaction, because that’s how I am going to learn.  That is how I am going to grow, and be mature enough to enjoy the life that I have worked so damn hard to get to.  I feel freer after writing this post, and the strength to post what’s waiting is growing.  Phew… it was a very tough few weeks.  

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Drinking and Foursomes

Sometimes I honestly believe that I am intelligent and have the capacity to learn and grow from my past mistakes.  And then a few weekends ago happened.  My first threesome I was blackout drunk and swore I would never get drunk and sex it up again, which you can read about here.  It was also my first time with a woman, so go figure that I can barely remember the experience.  My second threesome was amazing, and I was sober.  There were many factors that made it fantastic, but being sober definitely heightened all my sensations and just brought the experience to an amazing level.  But more importantly, I have strong, and vivid memories from that night.  So that threesome has
really lived on for me.

Comparing the two, sober me has much better sex with multiple partners than drunk me.  Now lets fast forward to newest weekend in question.  There are four of us who have begun to date.  After a bit of a rocky week, we all decided to slow things down and just have a night of dinner and dancing.  Perfect!  CAKE as I will refer to our little foursome henceforth (but more on that on a later post), were all equally excited to just enjoy each other’s company.

Knowing that we were just dancing and having fun, the shots came out.  Now I will say that the first shot was a result of trying to kick the night up a notch because two of our group had a curfew, the fact still remains that one simply cannot stop at one shot.  And we didn't.  So here the four of us were, dancing, drinking and doing the occasional shot right up until the moment we realized that time was up.

Intelligent me, should have said, what an amazing night.  Said how excited I was that we really broke the ice and got in a cab to my house.  However drunk me did the complete opposite.  Oh yes, let’s have a nightcap at the other couples house and continue the party.  So CAKE all got in a cab and continued to party.

Now we have a situation where there is booze, four good looking people, and comfy couches and beds.  It is not a difficult stretch at this point to see what would happen when E took off my bra in front of the four of us. 

This post should have been about just how hot the night was.  It should have been about how amazing having a foursome really is, and how all the hard work leading up to it pays off.  And yet, here I am just missing parts of the night.  Things are fuzzy, and a little blurry at times.  I remember thinking that male or female a tongue is a tongue.  So that's a cool thing.  But I am left wondering if that sentiment will be true sober.  I know a little booze would have been a nice touch for the foursome cherry to be popped.  But seriously drunk self!  Stop having multiple partners while drunk!!! The hangover and uncertainty in the morning are more than enough reason to never, NEVER do that again.  Sigh…

Monday, 26 January 2015

No Touchies: Our First Swing Club Part II

For anyone who missed part I last week, please follow this link, for the rest, please enjoy the conclusion to our first swing club adventure.

In the main play place, which we passed on route to the couples only area, I glimpsed a pair of legs spread wide open and bare on an upper level.  It was the first time I had seen live sex, and it was dark and silhouetted.  There were no sounds, just a few flashing bare legs reaching up from the bed she was laying on.  I was questioning if I would be comfortable having sex in such a public setting at this point, and I started to get visibly nervous.  E took my hand, and lead us to a more intimate place, a place where only the two of us were for a few moments, through the low lighting and down a small hallway.  And wow! What a kiss awaited me.  

When is the last time you made out with a person in public?  Have you ever just been overcome with the urge to passionately kiss someone that you forgot for a moment that PDA is discouraged in society?  Seeing someone hot, letting go, and just allowing yourself to get lost in the moment?  That hot kiss, full on with groping and grinding?  Now imagine that this behaviour is encouraged.  That you are in a place full of people who share your passion and energy and get off on being open and public.  It feels like a mindfuck looking back, and yet, in that space you are just one with those intense feelings.  You begin to hear neighboring moaning.  You see glimpses of bare legs, you hear those familiar rocking sounds and you get swept up.  You lose yourself and forget that this behaviour is taboo.  Sex in public is bad!  PDA is gross.  Moaning in public is quite forbidden.  In this place, though the rules are flipped upside down.  People are overcome with the urge to touch a strange body, to watch live, that most intimate of expressions saved for the bedroom alone. 

This was real, that passionate kiss from E, that both calmed me and excited me, shared in a swingers club.  That public make out session that made me feel safe and secure enough to be lead towards a cubby where we would soon undress each other.  It was here that we had our first opportunity to be intimate with another couple.  Even if it was from an emotional level only. This couple had come in quite late, and seemed to be as nervous as we were.  E and I were making out on the staircase blocking the only entrance to the upper couples play area.  There were a few giggles and glances towards each other as we moved into our cubby and continued to play with each other.  E mentioned that he could see this couple get into the spot beside us, and just like that our brief moment alone was replaced by couples who had now successfully negotiated their swinging terms and were about to have their own adventures right above us.  You could see a glimpse of other couples through the mirrors up above us, and beside us on the staircase.  In total that night I think there were 4 or so couples in the play area.  It lead to a very intimate feeling, with just the right amounting of moaning and rustling of sheets to not be overwhelming.

We were a part of a bunch of people actually having sex in public.  We got caught up in the moment, that hot, hot moment and time actually flew by.  It wasn’t until a bouncer walked down the hallway saying last call that we even had a clue of the hour.  We were completely absorbed in our surroundings and each other.  E saw a few couples watching us as they had sex, and for my part, I don’t remember even opening my eyes.  I was just lost, trying to hold onto the moment and the intensity.  That red glow from outside our little cubby where we remained for a solid couple of hours was our play place.  An intimacy which others could share both visually and audibly.  So hot to look back upon.   
It was nearly 2 in the morning when the lights came on and we finally emerged.  And what a memory! Being that first couple in and the last couple out!  I wondered what it would be like to see other spent couples in the light, and honestly it felt pretty natural.  We washed up, got dressed, and said goodbye to a few people as we walked to our car.  We were sore, and glowing, and we had made the most of our opportunity at this club.  

The night really brought us right back to where we want to be, dating another couple, and enjoying all these new adventures together.  Swinging takes a lot of communication, and a shared knowledge of the needs of you, your partner and the other people you want to swap with.  As we found out, it is more of an interview process with a new couple and then a few compatibility tests, followed by the swap.  The cycle repeats each evening that play is needed or wanted.  It is a version of spice that was so interesting to get involved in, if only from the sidelines, or with limited participation.  For myself, I want a more intimate connection with more than one person that will go beyond a club setting.  But as far as any public sex I have had, this evening blew it out of the water.  I was safe to love my partner, and be as intimate as I wanted.  There was no rushing to finish or fear of getting caught.  It was a real rush.  And although we both feel that that particular club is not one we would go back to.  The idea of exploring different clubs is still very exciting.  It may very well be our new travel activity... maybe.

Monday, 19 January 2015

No Touchies: Our First Swing Club Part I

Every couple has boundaries in their relationship.  E and I are constantly trying to explore and find new turn ons while re-evaluating where our limits are as a couple.  While trying to seek a couple to meet while traveling last year we were introduced to the idea of going to a swing club.  While meeting the couple or hitting the club fell through at the time, we made a solid effort to change that during our last visit to LA.  With nervous excitement we finalized our research and booked a night to go.  We spent hours talking about our boundaries, our expectations, protocols and a few fantasies that we had for the experience.  When the hour drew near to start the drive over, the nerves hit hard.  Questions kept creeping up, “what if we don’t have fun?” and “what if we don’t find anyone attractive?” A twinge of intimidation even crept in a we began wondering what the hell two Canadians who had never swung before would feel or do in the largest club in California.  So let me begin the tale with the first contact I made with the club.

In order to attend this particular swing club, a phone call was required, as the address is not listed on the website, preventing walk ins and to protect people’s privacy as much as possible.  I made the call, as E wisely thought we would have an easier time with the interview process if I called instead of him.  He was right of course, and a brief conversation later we had the address.  It was really happening!  And so were the nerves.  Now I am not sure how other couples handle nerves, but E and I have been through some pretty intense situations together whereby both our nerves flair up.  Be it with skydiving, family situations or relationship nerves we have learned to read and react to each other within our own nervousness.  We know when to make the other person laugh, distract or even to cross the line and point out that they are overreacting.  And as we drove towards the club in the dark, this understanding of the nervous dynamic shone through.

So when we drove up, and there were only a few lights on a fence in the middle of nowhere E was able to sense my tension and run with it.  It was dark and I became fixated on the fact that there were no signs or indication that we were in the right place other than the GPS arrow pointing the way.  We knew we arrived early, however seeing a near empty parking lot did little to calm the nerves.  That walk up the driveway seemed like forever.  I was shivering in my dress, and clutching E`s hand as we made nervous chit chat towards this large white building that had sections added to all sides like some poorly thought out school house that grew too big for its original purpose.  Finally a sign, literally, we were in the right place and relief waved over.  In we walked. 

Just like any business you walk up to the front desk, fill out a waiver and pay your money.  It was after all a business where small talk was made and in those moments I realized this was the first time I had relaxed in well over an hour.  A man who looked more like a bouncer was radioed over to give us a tour of the facility and off we went into the darkness of the club.  They did their best to make the tour seem normal.  And here we were nodding our heads as we walked from room to room like this was an everyday thing.  “Over here is the bar”, “and over here is the main play area”, “while over here is the sex chair” and on and on.  Just a perfectly normal tour in a darkly lit building designed for pleasure of the carnal kind.   

I remember walking through the main play area and feeling beyond overwhelmed by this massive two level mattress jungle.  And then a little calmness as we reached the chained off area and were shown the couples only play centre.  It was more private, a little smaller but still sex geared and I remember being amazed by all the mirrors!  It was two levels with small cubbies on the bottom, facing a wall of mirrors and a large play area along the top.  A great big adult bunk bed basically.  I remember wondering what this place looked like with people having sex, (as we had arrived during the pre sex, and or mingle hour) and how I would actually react to it all, but no time to contemplate that as the tour continued.  We were shown the couple bathroom and the woman’s only bathroom which seemed natural and normal in that setting.  Lastly we were taken to a large room with a long bar and a dance floor.  Finally we had a glimpse of other couples, well just people in general.  A few rules were stressed, couples in and couples out, singles are restricted to certain rooms and no means no.  This was a drug free facility, and BYOB, as the focus was on sex and sex alone.  And with that we that we were left on our own to sort out where to go from here. 

Logically we sat down and had a beer.  We looked around and realized quite quickly that we were the hottest and youngest couple there.  I had figured being in LA we would have a much better chance of being surrounded by hotties, and well, porn let me down.  Speaking of porn, there were flat screen TV’s in each of the mingle rooms and that was the first sex that we saw.  There was a different porn video on every single TV, something for everyone’s tastes, well if you like lower budget. 

The owner of the nudist resort down the street came over and introduced himself.  He then excitedly told us that one of the higher caliber scenes we were watching was filmed in this very club.  He was so proud of his cameo in it too.  The whole conversation just felt surreal, as we talked sex and drank our beers.   But at the same time oddly sweet and endearing.  We chatted for a bit and he gave us a little rundown of the facility and made some introductions of fellow regulars and staff.  We were told that the night before, being New Years Eve, they had a party with over 270 couples.  Tonight the turnout was looking to be about 30 couples, a much less intimidating number for these little newbies. 

We decided to do a little wandering around on our own, in hopes of finding some attractive people hidden away somewhere.  We began by heading over to one of the socializing rooms with a pool table.  Here we met two couples who were just so normal to chat to.  Very openly talking about their experiences swinging and getting outted as swingers in normal society.  It was just neat to be a fly on the wall and see how people handle this lifestyle in the real world.  How it can affect their jobs, etc.  Unfortunately neither of these two couples really got us physically excited so we went back to the bar for another beer.  

It was here that we learned a term that would change the experience for us completely.  A guy came over to chat with us, saying that his wife comes with him a few times a month, but he is here every Thursday with or without her being the only day of the week that single men are allowed in.  He loves the environment and asked if we had seen the infinity room yet.  It was room that was covered in mirrors on all sides with a few slots for people to watch.  Mainly though, the couple inside could see every single sexy angle from in that room with the infinity effect.  He told us that this was the room most frequented by “no touchies”.

The term “no touchies” was new to the both of us and does not seem to be widely known outside of the swinging community.  We were told that swingers coined this term for that really hot or full of themselves couple in the club, who feel that they are too good for anyone else and just want to fuck in public and have everyone ogle them.  More specifically they are the dream LA couple depicted with the big fake boobs, tanned body and a hint of arrogance.  E and I smiled upon learning this, we had found a name for the role we take in our first swinging adventure.  We would be the pseudo “no touchies” that night, well without the fake boobs or arrogance… our adventure was now really about to begin.  We had found our niche for the night, within our level of comfort and headed back towards the play rooms.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Lowering Standards: A Clarification

I want to elaborate on a comment I made in my last post, whereby I said that I lowered my standards when looking for couples.  While I standby my statement, I do feel that it needs a little more elaboration, especially if any couples that we date should happen to stumble upon my little blog.  As I said, I stand by that statement and the reason for that is this, when dating as a couple, you need to take your partners wants and needs into consideration and not just your own.  For example, I love tall men, and I will outright dismiss any male who is shorter than me or of equal height.  That is my solo dating standard and is non negotiable, as a couple though, I am much more open.

 As a couple dating, those “non negotiable” becomes less important.  I am not looking for that male who looks amazing standing beside me, will someday father my children, and other necessary genetic traits for my long term happiness.  Instead, it becomes more of a “we” thing.  And together we are looking for awesome personality, fun and full of adventurous or engaging stories.  We can broaden our horizons and turn a blind eye to certain main partner prerequisites because these individuals and couples are more accurately bonuses in our lives.

Does that sound strange?  Perhaps, but honestly, that’s how it feels.  These individuals are spice, and fun, and extra amazing additions to our lives.  They do not have to encompass every single preferred trait, rather they are the people we get to explore and broaden our horizons with.  So the statement that I have lowered my standards may have come across as harsh, but it remains true.  My standards for dating as a couple are much more relaxed and after much conversation with my partner I am becoming ok with admitting that. 

The harsh part of the statement that may have been inferred on first reading, is that it is hard for me to relax my stringent criteria for what I find attractive.  So I have been trying to take a deep breath and take in the whole person rather than jumping to my immediate nopes.  And what makes that process more rewarding is that look in my partners eyes when he finds something or someone besides me sexy.  He gets this twinkle of excitement, and it almost always comes back full circle for me.  A little spice on the side results in me getting nearly twice as much affection shortly after.  It is an intensity that is very difficult to describe if you have not experienced it for yourself.  When there is no guilt associated with getting spice, flirting and finding new people, your expression of passion for your main partner nearly explodes.  It is a sensation that throws you in a moment that you almost never want to end.  That place where you appreciate who you are with for that second, moment and life in a deep and powerful way. 

I wrote early on in my blog about chasing butterflies.  And that’s the rub, you just cannot get that butterfly feeling with someone that you know so completely.  What you can get though, is butterflies with someone new, and then full complete passion and love with that person you will spend the rest of your life with.  No terrible crash after the butterflies, no apprehension or nervousness, or insecure feelings.  The beautiful tummy flip of adrenaline, followed by the fullness of love and complete satisfaction by someone who knows every nook and cranny of your body and soul.   It is so difficult to paint properly the picture of emotions that make my life complete when I am able to share all these experiences with my partner.  I know I am not doing it near enough justice, so all I can do is close my eyes, and try to write out the near perfect feeling of being able to have my cake and eat it too.  To have found a relationship norm that includes butterflies, and deep, stable passion all in one day with nothing artificial.  That deep yearning to be loved for everything you are, with a delightful mix, of getting to meet someone new, and the tease of new adventures.  And to do all of this in the open, with love and support.  This is why I blog, this is the purpose of sharing with all my dear readers.  I cannot keep to myself this most perfect relationship standard that enhance my life so perfectly.  I am truly blessed and complete in my emotional needs and wants.  This is my true love.