Thursday, 22 June 2017

Body Image and Swing Clubs

In 2013, I wrote a little post called Comfortable Naked, and in it, I described how I am quite comfortable with my naked body and am very happy to strip in front of a camera.  Showing off is quite an exhilarating experience for me, and once those clothes are off, shyness is pretty much gone.  Now this is true in my home.  I will walk around topless, bottomless, whatever I feel at the moment without much hesitation other than to cover up the second I get chilly.  Now for a moment of hard truth, I am nervous and a little shy when I leave my house in sexy attire to go to the swing club.  And the reasons are due to a silly little myth that I was told as a teenager to keep my sexual attire in check.  I was told to never show off more than one sexy body part, or you would be labeled as a slut.  You can go out showing cleavage, booty, or a little midriff but never more than one at a time or you are looking for trouble. 

This little statement has dictated my attire my entire adult life, especially when I go out for a night on the town.  And let me tell you, breaking away from this to attend a swing club is damn right difficult!  I love the way my breasts look in a bra, despite how badly it hurts my back.  So when I go out, I want my boobs to look their absolute best.  And I know my butt is tiny, so I divert attention to my cleavage and my fairly flat tummy whenever possible.  These are intentional actions that have ruled my clothing purchases for over a decade.  But the dress code is turned upside down at a swingers club.  It is a whole different set of rules or rather lack there of.  It is a place of freedom, not myths and restrictions.  And this is where the opportunity to break yet another stigma comes into play.

The ladies I have seen at the swing club usually amaze me.  Woman ranging in age from early 20’s to late 50’s, and every shape and size have embraced their sexual freedom.  There has yet to be an outfit that I have cringed at.  Each woman dresses her sexiest and owns the look.  I admire these woman and look fondly at each for the expression of their courage and freedom.  And don’t misunderstand, I am dressed just as sexy and fully embrace the themes of the night, but often I feel like I am just faking it till I make it.  Well, until the clothes start coming off towards the middle of the night.  That I can own better than most.  Truth be told, the confidence these woman around me exude is contagious.  It’s not like you feel a competition to one up, more you want to feel that same freedom the woman around you do.  You want to strut and prance and wiggle your ass, let yourself be free. 

At the next party that we are attending, we are throwing caution to the wind, with a little theme called “Wear what you dare”.  It will be our most risqué outfits to date and I must say, I am growing devilishly excited about it.  No nervousness, just shear delight that I will be among the brave, sexy woman that I am growing to admire.  I will probably feel those butterflies just before we leave the house, and giggle a bit on the drive out there.  But I know, once I walk through that door and take off my coat, a sexual freedom will over take me.  Embrace the fear! Be bold, sexy, and free.  And perhaps I will even show off the costume in a future post!

Friday, 16 June 2017

Today I Cried...

Today I cried.  To be absolutely clear, I sobbed.  I broke down, alone, isolated with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I screamed out, “why will I never be good enough?”.  And I covered my face with a pillow as I just let everything I had out.  It lasted perhaps 2 minutes.  My dog rushed over the second my face was visible and he snuggled.  He let me just cuddle and hold him for a few desperately needed moments.  And I got up.  I brewed some tea and I just existed for a moment.  Then I sighed and recognized that my life is moving in a direction that I can control.  And I have a partner, and I am not alone.  But today, on the couch I felt like I was.  I lost it. 

My last few posts have had a clear direction, a voice, and a reason for being written.  My confident personality has shone through and I have grown the K-Ghislaine brand into something I am incredibly proud of.  I started this blog to help me come to terms with Open Relationships and to start questioning the societal norms of relationships that are around me.  But this morning, I had troubles overcoming my shortcomings and focusing on the task at hand.  Today I failed me, in a way that actually scared me.  I wondered if I was making the correct choices, and if the business I am working on will succeed.  I questioned if I should keep writing, and I questioned if I had the right people in my life, on my team and just generally with me.  It was the briefest moment of rock bottom, but my lungs hurt from the sob and I felt so drained as a result, and of questioning that resolve that has kept me moving forward after the most recent of my life challenges this past December.

As I closed the door on the last toxic member of my family last year (or rather had the door slammed in my face) I found a relief or release as it were.  I now count the blessings of that event.  I am grateful that he cut me out, so I could be free from the toxic lifestyle that was consuming me and poisoning the rest of my life.  Aside from this morning of course, I do control my actions.  I don’t blame who I am on my parents or the hardships that are a part of my past.  The doors are closed, and I have found peace of mind to excel in my life without any of their shortcomings impacting me.

I find myself in a period of transition again.  Embarking on a journey that has high risks for my relationship and my financial security.  But it is in these risks that I am finding my stride.  I am discovering things about myself that were laying dormant.  With each word I type, I feel better.  Stronger and more focused to take on today’s task at hand.  I blog because I love it.  I absolutely adore the clarity I get from it, and the relief that it brings when I press publish.  I am an artist and writing is my preferred medium.  I forgive myself for losing control this morning.  My body needed the release and my soul needed to write.  With these two tasks completed it is time to conquer my next challenge and quiet that little voice that sometimes bubbles over, the voice that wonders why it cannot be just a little easier. 

To lose control is not something I am proud of.  But to err is human.  And the most important thing for me, is to recognize why I lost control and learn from it.  To listen to myself, and my inner voice when it calls out.  There is a strength to be found in weakness, and today I got caught ignoring my needs.  

Thursday, 8 June 2017

A Label by Any Other Name is Still… A Way of Creating a Box! Online Dating Sites, I’m Looking at You!

Yesterday, I saw that OK Cupid has announced that they have a new way of labeling your sexual orientation, may I present the newest term: Sapiosexual.  Now while some people may applaud this as a progressive move, I am getting so frustrated by all these terms and labels.  Dating is not black and white, and people are not boxes that can be neatly categorized.  I have written quite a few posts on misuse of labels, and my frustration at people just jumping to conclusions when they hear a term they don’t quite understand .  And I maintain that by creating more labels we are moving further away from honest communication.  We are simply slapping a term the excludes more people from our internet wish list.

The evolution of our species has relied quite heavily on our brains ability to quickly categorize anything that will cause us harm thus creating the fight or flight response.  This survival mechanism is part of our reptilian brain and is most likely why I still run up the stairs when the lights go out.  The dark hides predators and my instinct to get to the light as fast as possible kicks in.  But the online dating community is whole different ball game, far removed from the necessity to survive and quickly categorize our life.  In fact, in might be the furthest thing away, being that it is completely anonymous and therefore you can make the experience relatively safe, especially for all of those without a profile picture and the overused “ask me” in your personality description.

With that potential debate on hold for a moment, let us get back to the vast increase of labels.  Do labels actually help you quantify your search when looking for new people online?  Can you describe how having the word Sapiosexual for example beneficial?  Could you not just read the prospective mate/partner/cutie pie’s profile and deduce if they match you intellectually?  You know, by reading, and writing and those basic skills that you claim are incredibly important?  Maybe I am wrong and this label will bring together hundreds of people that really need that little button to specifically filter out all those who find looks more important than brains and leave you with a much simpler to navigate pool.  But doesn’t that take some of the fun of meeting new people out of the equation?  Isn’t that taking what tiny remnants of human interaction we find on these sites away?

I will admit that I used to use a tonne of labels to describe myself in my early 20’s.  The words straight, atheist, conservative, female, monogamous were quite important to whole who I was question, and who I wanted to be.  Now that I am in my nearly mid 30’s I realize that other than female, and perhaps atheist, none of these labels quite fit anymore with the encompassing power that they used to.  Instead I have found much more joy in the fluidity of my life and the rejection of the labels that defined me.  It has brought more happiness and satisfaction into my life.  Ironically with the breaking free of those definitions my confidence has actually increased.  I don’t need labels to be who I am.  And I can look around at the people in my life who are in or recently been through a large life transition and am amazed that they don’t quite fit into the categories I would have used to describe them anymore either.  They are just them, for all the good and the bad, and we exist very happily together. 

Because of the first hand happiness I have found by breaking free of the labels that confined me, I want to be an ambassador for other to break free as well.  It works, it’s amazing and my sex life has never been better as a result.  Isn’t that what it’s really all about anyways?  But in all seriousness, if I do not expect my friends to fit into a certain box, our lives become richer and more authentic.  And when I do not label myself, I am free to have fluid thoughts and opinions, and most important, an open mind for new education and people that I may have previously dismissed.  So to the dating sites thinking they are being progressive and modern by increasing their labels I say No!  Break free.  Let people write a description, or a brief what they are looking for, and allow more fluid interaction and less exclusionary labels.  Stop helping us put ourselves in more boxes!