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Saturday, 6 December 2014

November Realization

I am so glad that November is over.  I tried to take on a bit too much and that all escalated to a grinding halt during our dear dark, and cold November.  Typically I balance my work, home, love life with a certain confidence that leaves me with a sense of pride when I look back on the day, and at all I have achieved.  This past month was a bit too much for me. It is rare for me to feel overwhelmed off and on for that long of a period of time.  So long in fact that I look back upon this blog and find it missing in any content for this bleak time span.

If you have been following me for any length of time, you will appreciate how writing centers me.  It grounds me in an almost trance like way, my own form of meditation.  And well, I was so out of sorts, I could not write.

An amazing realization happened out of those overwhelming feelings, that brought me to tears on more than one occasion.  That being the re affirmation that I am not alone.  I have the perfect fitting partner for who I am now, and for who I am striving to be in the future.  The is not something that I ever thought would happen.  I do not believe in "the one", however I do embrace the love of the right now and look fondly towards the future with a man who fits so perfectly it takes my breath away. After all the stressful and amazing situations the two of us have gone through together, we emulate the phrase stronger than ever.  

I call my partner and my being on the same page an amazing thing because there is always that nagging fear that when your partner sees you at your worst they are going to run away.  And it feels rational at the time.  You find yourself hating who you are, having troubles getting happy or just catching a breath.  Who in their right mind would want to stand by that, support and even find ways to cherish the moments when you are just needing a hug because you feel like you have nothing left in you.  This post would have been near impossible for me to admit to anyone anything more than a few years ago.  And to my character I just couldn't write this when I was actually feeling low and lost.  Now however, I feel refreshed and excited for how strong we are as partners.  I hope to share some adventures of the two of us dating shortly and bring a little fun to this blog.  

Friday, 17 October 2014

In My 30’s and Proud

I was talking to my best friend the other day about our birthdays, and welcomed her to the 30’s club.  And while doing so, she spoke about being very excited about joining the 3-0 club, saying how she felt sexier, and more confident now that she was taking care of her body than she did in her early 20’s.  And I wholeheartedly agree.  I was not scared of turning 31 myself, and this was the very reason.  In fact, I can hold my head up higher when I look in the mirror now.  I don’t feel like my body is just skinny and young, there is a shape that is firm and sexy.  When I look at my face, I don’t try and cover up the little laugh lines I notice around my eyes.  Instead I am excited that they are there, and signify the laughter and fantastic experiences that I have had, with extra thanks to my boyfriend.

I am physically and emotionally secure in who I am today.  And although I experience speed bumps from time to time, the big picture is that I love me.  This in turn has lead to me not wasting any time in the online dating community with people who do not feel the same way.  When I was showing E a few couples who had messaged me, I lamented on those with whom had great profiles but who did not have pictures to go with them.  To me, not having pictures, or having a body shot with your face blurred is cause for concern.  Either you are embarrassed of what you look like, or you are not taking the online game seriously.  Yes, I have heard the excuse multiple times that one needs to keep their picture private due to work, or affiliations.  And to that I say bollix.  There is no way to put yourself out there only part ways.  As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it would be outright dangerous and foolish to meet someone that you do not have a current picture of.  Not only that, I value my time and do not want to waste mine or another’s by making an emotional connection if there is nothing there physically.


Dating couples is hard.  You now have 4 people to consider instead of just two.  With that being said, I am in my 30’s with a fierce confidence and I would like to attract the same mindset.  That is important to me, and an element of my open relationships that took me the longest to get a grasp on.  I do not want to hold any one’s else’s hand in that regard.  I want fun and real connections that I can share and experience with the man I love.  I do not want to waste time with people who are too shy or have skeleton’s that they need to overcome before meeting us.  You have taken the time to create a profile.  Now take the next step and message if you are serious and ready to play what could very well be an amazing game.   Bring on an already incredible 31!

Monday, 29 September 2014

Dating Together, The Start of an Adventure

I have just reached and celebrated the ripe age of 31.  As many of you know, I get very reflecting during birthday season.  It is more important to me than new years, as I recognize it as my personal date of looking backwards and planning frontwards.  This year, I acted on a very important decision that I have made in years past.  And that is beginning the journey of looking for partners to join E and I.  It is one thing to talk about it, to plan for it, and get on the same page.  It is quite another to actually put yourself out there as dating and proud, together. 

E see's my nervousness for what it is, and that is truly remarkable.  I have the butterflies, and antsy feeling.  And what is super cool about that is, I can share every step with my partner.  It is not a fearful dating on your own, filled with apprehension knowing the letdowns that are not far off into the distance.  Instead it is replaced with excitement, challenges and true connections.  First and foremost with my partner, and then exploring what spice is out there.  Expanding our love beyond just our little family.

Now I know I am excited, nervous and a little scared about this new adventure so we decided to be transparent in our profiles to ensure that we can help each other find the best we can.  And of course, the first thing that I have learned in this online process is that many guys do not actually read profiles.  Here is a little sample of the kind of conversations that I have encountered.  This began after I asked if he had actually read my profile before messaging me, and he learnt that it was my boyfriend in my profile picture and we were looking to date someone or a couple together. 

Guy –“Ohhh. Nope, that's kinda gross. Good luck!”

Me –“I can see how you would think reading is gross as is evident by your ignorance and quick judgement.”

Guy –“No no. Reading is good. And i do know you're a good person due to the fact that we've spoken off and on for a couple years now and i'm a good judge of charactor. The gross part i'm referring to is when people have to go outside of a relationship to satisfy one or both partners physical needs. Just my opinion. Not being judgemental, but when i'm in a commited relationship, there's no need to have to share to satisfy any of 'those' needs”

Me –“You don't think saying "that's kinda gross" is being judgemental?

I am not looking for a FWB or anything along those lines. I am looking to expand my love in all forms with my partner. We are both physically satisfied. We also know that we both enjoy a little "spice" from time to time and that comes in the form of new people. We both agree that doing it together will be exciting and fun.

While I understand the notion that one man can completely satisfy one woman or any gender combinations there in, I would simply say that in a long term relationship, it doesn't feel right to me. I love flirting, variety, and being supported and fulfilled body and soul by my partner. I subscribe to the idea that I can have my cake and eat it too. “


Dealing with online trolls and people who just cannot be curious without being an ass is part of being in the online community.  As I have said before, I do often forget that.  I hope that over the next year and beyond there will be a few wonderful stories to share with you all.  A few funny moments, and some real sexy adventures.  In the meantime, let the online dating challenge begin.  

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Seeing a Gut Reaction

Sometimes I forget that the content I write about is not for everyone.  That the views I have, and how I live my life illicit reactions from people that are less than desirable.  Writing this blog is freedom of expression, but also allows me to build a protective bubble of tolerance.  What I mean by that, is I see my stats grow week by week, regular and new readers alike and it becomes easier to say that what I am doing is starting to become accepted.  That perhaps I am somehow making a difference or at the very least breaking down a few walls of the unknown.

And then I say something to a friend about being open, or make some reference to dating while being in a relationship and I am slapped in the face with reality.  I see the discomfort on the persons face who has known me for years.  I see the uncomfortable stirring in the seat.  And worse than that, I see a form of pain cross their eyes as they internalize what I have said, and they intuitively put themselves in my shoes and are scared.

I write this blog for me.  But there is a massive downside to it.  I do not ever get to see a persons reaction when they read a post I wrote for the first time.  I miss out on the initial gut impact that a few of my more poignant posts have given.  I watch page views rise quickly with my internal musings and slower with my more controversial subjects.  Yet over time, the controversial ones remain stronger and get more repeat views.  I honestly do not know why.

I remember as a young teenager playing the Penis Game.  The rules are, someone in a public place quietly says `penis`.  Then the person beside repeats the word, but a little louder.  This continues until you are basically screaming the word PENIS.  The game ends when you cannot stop laughing or you have been asked to shut up by the poor innocent passerby's.  I used to hate playing that game.  I would watch parents give dirty looks, professional`s glare with that hint of humiliation, and some senior just look onwards with a deep knowing almost reminiscent face.  It was the reactions that stuck with me.  That variance of emotions that at the time made me want to sink as low as possible and disappear.  

I felt that talking with this friend about being in an open relationship.  We are so close, that she could not remove herself from the situation.  I saw firsthand a gut reaction.  I don`t think I would have been able to write for so long had there been a medium available that would have show the looks on peoples faces as they read each word I typed.  I am much happier in the world of tolerance I have created for myself within this blog.  I love the freedom and release I get each time I press publish. Not being able to see your faces allows me to keep this organic and about what I really think, and feel without censoring myself or curbing my views to appeal to masses.  It is a double edged sword I realize, but with great value in the long run for me.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Here and Now: Regret

The second post I ever wrote, and in fact the first post that I was brave enough to actually publish and e-mail out to a few friends and select family members was entitled Regret.  When I wrote this post E and I had broken up and I was reeling.  I was trying to decide if an open relationship was something new and exciting because of his introduction, or because it suited me.  And in all honesty it took me a few years to be able to start putting into actions what I felt was right for me in theory.  I never for a moment regretted my time with him, and I have not since then regretted how hard I have fallen for him in the past few years.  We are amazing partners.  And yet, I read that post of mine, and I felt a lump in my throat.  I tried so hard to edit it, to have it make a little more sense.  And yet, there was real and raw emotion to it when I wrote it.  

I cannot help but delve a little deeper into why that is, or was.  I have heard from many of my friends and peers that my writing style has changed, that it has grown and matured.  I smile and say thank you, or that I know it has.  The truth is, it is not my writing that has changed, it is me.  My perspectives and my views.  I wrote Regret being fiercely proud of my actions up until that point.  Almost arrogantly self assured that every action I took, I stood behind.  That I could live with the ramifications and move forward with my life.  The crushing honesty was though, that I knew deep down, that not being with E was just wrong.  I regretted nothing, except the very essence of why I was writing, trying to make sense of me, relationships, and the like.  Doing all of this while balancing the pain and the knowledge that the biggest mistake of my life was being without him.

If at the time of writing that post I had acknowledged what I was really feeling and why, I may just have crumbled.  Heartbreak and loneliness is something I have a great deal of experience with, and again in that case, it was completely out of my control.  I had allowed something amazing to spiral downwards because I was in limbo between theory and actions.  I was caught up between falling in love, and having to share.  Between being an only child, selfish to the core and learning that I could love more than one.  I was a mess, an emotional, gut aching mess.  It took me years to re read that post.  I am amazed at how wonderful the here is, in relation to that moment where I felt crippling regret and fought everything in me to believe that everything happens for a reason.  That moment where annoying optimism collides head on with the unknown reality that something really wrong has just happened.  That first pang of real regret.

Thursday, 31 July 2014

Late Night Lament

You are lonely.  You desperately seek that someone to come home to every night.  You lay awake in your bed for two, for too many nights in a row, wondering what is wrong with you.  Why this solitude, when all you want is a lifelong companion.  That someone who gives you joy.  That someone to come home to each night, and share all your stories and dreams with.  That someone with whom you can finally be yourself with, who will cherish all the little quirks that you hide on a day to day basis with the mass of people who just would never understand.

Then it happens.  You finally click with someone.  You have reached that age where the two of you know with certainty that you match, and match well.  You rush to move in together.  You skip all of the courtship, the ups and downs, and move forward with lightning speed.  After all, you know what alone feels like, so this something new, this someone must be forever.  Of course it is more than a warm body you tell yourself, yes they have their faults, but you are now thinking long term not just an amazing lay.  This is someone who gets you.  Who laughs at your jokes and seems to understand your need to no longer go the journey on your own.  The compatibility takes a stronger role than the lust you felt as a teenager.  You finally found someone who will not hurt you.  Someone who is stable and secure.  You find someone that you can picture growing old with, and you feel comfortable in the knowledge that someday the friendship will mean more than the sex.  You push away the nagging thought that perhaps you are just settling, and there may be someone exciting around the corner.  This comfortable person is real, and your fantasy of lifelong adventure is not.

I have been there.  I have shared this longing, and I have felt that pain of loneliness.  Tempted by the first man who I could picture a future with.  Teased by the promise of not feeling the sting of solitude, and of not having to go through those ups and downs alone.  Haunted by the “what if” this is the best I can ever do feeling.  I cannot tell you are wrong for settling.  I won’t tell you that I disagree with your choice to take hold of the best chance at comfort you have felt in years.  And of course I will not judge you.   I can’t, as that would make me a hypocrite.  I too, tried to live that life.  I too, have felt that it is better to be with the not quite honeymoon forever phase, rather than being alone.  I have tried to create spark when there was none, and work my ass off to fix the mundane rather than be alone again.  I have tried to settle for the here and now without first coming to grips with what the here was all the time, myself.


My mother once told me that she found happiness when she stopped seeking men that challenged her.  That she finally just settled for someone who was simpler, and that gave her more peace.  I hated hearing that.  I was so enraged that a person could just stop living.  I promised myself that that path would never be for me.   I would never give up, and I would never just stop wanting to be challenged.  I find no solace in the knowledge that I might never get hurt again if I settle for the stable man next door so to speak.  Being hurt, and feeling true joy are major elements that made me who I am today.  I do not seek to be wounded, but I will not hide from the possibility.  This is my relationship mission statement.  This is one ingredient that makes what E and I have amazing.  And this is what makes being in an open relationship work for me.  I have complete autonomy over my own happiness, and can choose to challenge or be challenged by my partner and those around us.  I will not allow blasé feelings to ever override that roller coaster of emotions that I am capable of feeling.  This is making a conscious choice not to just settle, and spend my next 70 years in the vacuum of monogamy. 

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Stampede’s Over; I Can’t Wait to See What Sex Negativity the Media Has Planned for the Next Stampede

So, three years ago the media circus took a long hard look at how STI’s and STD’s rose dramatically during stampede week and cited numerous clinics and how overworked they became the week during and after Stampede.  And I understood the PSA they were performing.  Last year, the focus was shifted ever so slightly to the influx of cheating spouses during this 10 day event.  Including outing a few hotels in the downtown core, for providing locked boxes for guest to check in their wedding rings.  No explanation needed there, I hope.  Now this year, the headlines are focusing on the increasing Stampede divorce rate?  Come on…

I know the quest for the simplest and catchiest tagline is the only way to sell articles (See how I am fighting this by having the longest blog title to date?), but why all the sex negativity surrounding Stampede?  I mean this is no longer about helping the public.  This is a vigilant quest on the media’s part to ensure the public is aware that Stampede kills relationships and is bad for your sexual health.  Stampede encourages sexual infidelity and is a hazard to monogamy.  The million dollar rodeo that is put on every year in this great city of ours is secretly trying to time warp us back to the Colosseum of ancient Roman times, more specifically the party after the great fights.  We are soon going to have massive orgies in the street if we do not head their carefully targeted warnings.  Especially now that the city was kind enough to let us start drinking in bars at 7 am to better facilitate the liquid courage needed to get out there and screw around with every good looking cowboy and cowgirl.


Well, let me set the record straight here.  I have, had Stampede threesomes, done the walk of shame and flirted my little tushie off many a time.  I have also done all the above outside of Stampede.  The media chooses to focus on sex negativity each year because we make it an event.  We allow the media to sensationalize sex.  We allow the media to take the focus of off our rodeo and exhibition, and all the musical acts that join us from all over the world and shift to a tabloid sales pitch.  I should rephrase, we do not allow the
media, we encourage them.  We are becoming a society that lights up at a scintillating, or scandalous headline, and the Stampede has turned into a marketing ploy.  Whether the editors agree or disagree is beside the point, or even if they research and have factual information based on something more substantial than a survey of 10 random people, the result is the same, sex sells.  Stampede sex sells, and as I learned last week, Stampede sluts sell too!  So until next year Calgary, I know you will join me in welcoming the latest headline that appears with sex negativity in the forefront.  I am kind of hoping for some sort of spin on gay cowboys...or cowgirls.