Follow by Email

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Ignoring the Girl in a Relationship

I have always been confused by the men who refuse to hang out with me or want to wait to get to know me until I am single.  I have difficulty comprehending the logic behind a man ignoring me while I am in a relationship and then pouncing when I am single.  What message are you portraying?  That a woman is only worth your time if she is single?  Are you surrounded by only friends of the same gender?  That sounds so boring, and offers you a very one sided perspective on the world.  Perhaps you have been friend zoned once or twice and believe the myth that you can never leave the friend zone once you enter.  The hint in that last sentence was the word myth…but I will save that for a different post.

If the message you would like me to extract from this type of behaviour, is that I am only fuckable, well then I am flattered.  And you will never get in my pants.  Being in an open relationship, you would deduce that this would be the perfect opportunity to try an only screw me, and yet dear guy, that is also not the case adding to my puzzlement.  This sort of mindset could be part of a bigger problem,and that I predict relates directly to a lower than average success rate in you getting laid in general.  It turns out that if a woman is seeking more than just a one time fling, sex is much more satisfying mentally and physically if there is a bit of history created.  We like to know a bit about the guy that is going to try and stick something in us.  Call us crazy if you will.  If you would like a stat to give you a better frame of reference, there are a bunch of guys whose sole goal in life was getting laid, and they said the magic number was 7.  Yes, 7 hours of time spent with a woman would result in giving a guy the best shot at getting in her pants.  Whether you agree with this or not, the point is, it takes more than a few exchanged pleasantries to establish yourself enough to become intimate.

And my final speculation on the matter, is that you are just plain insecure.  Whether the insecurities lead you to be jealous, depressed, self conscious or a whole heap of other emotional ailments, please keep your distance.  I do not accept that sort of drama in myself, so clearly, I would not entertain that from a partner. I work hard to self reflect on the cause and effect of every negative emotion I have, especially when it affects those around me, and I can only imagine a world where everyone did the same.  I am not your personal therapist, or self esteem coach.  Men often remark on how important self confidence is in a woman, so it should be no wonder that woman would feel that trait is important in her mate too.  I am not asking you to pretend to be interested in me, quite the contrary.  Figure out why a person is only worth getting to know if they are single, what in your mind changes about that person.  If they are not worth your time while they are partnered up, then I have troubles understanding why that changes when they are free.  Thoughts and perspectives are always appreciated.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Dating Profiles and My 200th Post

In a previous post I mentioned some things to avoid when it comes to online dating.  Now I want to share some useful information I have discovered when it comes to just getting started, and putting up your profile or preparing yourself to go out there and meet people.  The very important task of how do you sell yourself is something that successful people put thought into prior to dating.  It is important to ask how do you see yourself, what image are you portraying to those people around you, and the toughest one, do these two images actually represent who you want to be.

First impressions are important.  Yes, you can overcome a bad first impression, however it is easier to just put a great foot forward on the first try.  Who wants an even bigger challenge, when you can get it right the first time?  One of the first things I notice online, is if a guy or gal has negativity in their profile.  How fantastic is it when you meet someone for the first time and within seconds you get a sob story?  This person will become an object to avoid, for fear of being sucked down into that void of bleakness.  The same logic should apply when setting up your profile.  Do not have a list of things that you hate, and pet peeves, especially within the first few lines.  If you can take the time to spell out what you do not like, try putting the same effort into what you do like, or perhaps even love?
Also try to avoid statements that could spark a negative emotion.  For example saying that you hate online dating, could make the reader feel guilt for being online themselves looking for love.  Or by saying  this is the last time you are trying this because women/men are crazy.  Come on, this just leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth.  What are you going to talk about on your first date?  All the horror stories from online dating, finding out all the red flags of a person, only to realize that you found out nothing about a person’s passions, goals or aspirations in life.  You need to ignite a positive vibe, come up with something that an onlooker wants to find out more about.

These are not complex ideas, and yet more than half of the profiles I read if they get past the “will fill out later” have something bad to say in them.  And once you start getting a few people interested in you that you do not feel the same about, it is easy to start putting up walls to protect yourself.  I found my biggest surprise in E when I was online dating.  There are great and amazing people on there, you just have to ensure that you are one of them first and foremost.  

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Broken, But More than a Mere Statistic

One of the only topics that I have tiptoed around since this blogs conception are those of my family roots.  I have hinted, and written specific points but then tried to then add a layer of anonymity.  I have vented, and at other times just written plain statements of fact in such a boring and mundane way as to ensure no emotion could be misinterpreted.  I have been doing this for two main reasons; the first being, I did not want to hurt my family and then have to deal with the backlash of drama that would ensue.  And the second reason which I am battling with is that I did not want to come out and say I was from a broken home thereby re-enforcing any stereotypes that might exist for those of us in open relationships.  I have been up and down on this topic for quite some time, and it is part of the reason I have been unable to post with any regularity this year.  I almost had a mental block, as far as not being able to post the interesting topics I have cached away, and then it struck me that I actually had to deal with something that I feel is incredibly important to the conversation, no matter the consequences or conclusions that may be reached.  It is just never easy to admit that the people who are supposed to be your first real connections and set the relationship bar, were really quite poor at it.

I have been questioning relationship norms, for nearly 3 years and now that I have analyzed where I really came from, I can share.  It is not fair to pretend that my past does not affect my present, and will not affect my future.  I have dealt with some stressful times, and it has left a mark on me.  Although I have chosen not to allow my past to prevent me from achieving an amazing present and in turn a positive future, I needed to accept a few things that I was oblivious to.  A perfect example of this can be found here.

My biological parents divorced when I was around a year old.  I did not ever have regular visitation with my biological father.  Instead, I experienced an on and off again relationship with him that lasted until I was 22.  When we were together, the end result was emotional manipulation, and it always seemed that the attacks were aimed at my mom, using the only go between he had, and that was me.  Since my early 20’s I have had next to zero contact with him other than an e-mail every year or so at random times. 

His philosophy as I was growing up, was that he was in the way, and should go and follow his own dreams instead of being a dad to me.  This is the reality of his view point, and obviously took me years to accept.  His rejection of his fatherly obligation, is an action that played vicious mind games with me at various stages of my emotional development and self esteem.  The comfort of unconditional love from him is that I yearned for, for countless years.  Now I accept who he his, and have made peace that we will never have that relationship that I spent years wishing for.  My one comfort was that he never took the time to get to know me, so his rejection of me was based on an image and not who I am.  Perhaps that is sour grapes, or rationalization on my part, but it is what it is. 

My mom had me too young.  I write that still trying to soften the harshness of what I feel for a woman who must have tried her best.  I cannot seem to help trying to ease the hard dose of reality no matter how objective I try to be.  My childhood with her as a single mom, left a lot to be desired.  And it was a desire that wasn’t fully realized until I reached adulthood and my resentment for all that happened in the past snowballed.  I was on my own from the time I could stay safe without supervision.   I fended for myself when it came to homework, feeding myself breakfast and lunch, and keeping myself entertained.  I remember having to set my own alarm and make breakfast as early as 8, I had to fit in letting the dog out, figuring out if I had enough allowance for lunch and ensuring I could walk to school in time.  I left the house before my mom every morning, and was by myself after school until around 6:30 every night.  To say it was lonely would be an understatement.  A few nights a week we would have family game night, and that was where I built any and all relationships with my mom and whoever was in her life at the time.  On these nights I would pretend I had no homework so that I could hang out with my mom for a few extra minutes.  Some kids pretend they have no homework because they just do not want to do it, I meanwhile was desperate for attention from a woman I barely got to see. 

As I child I saw more fights, than I ever saw tenderness.  Not only between her and myself, but I watched the same with the men she dated, and with her friends and family.  People came in and out of our lives with so much regularity that I learnt not to ask about someone that I had not seen in a while.  When I got older and started to ask again about long lost people from my childhood, I was always rewarded with a story about how that person wronged my mom and thus she was in the right for cutting them out.   As I grew older, I opened my eyes to the reality of our life, and the issues between her and I got bad.  She was a single mom, who would boast that it was just her and me, and yet it felt as if I was raising myself, and had no parents to guide me.  We would fight and scream, she would kick and slap, and I would slam the door and vow that this would be the last time I would forgive her for her temper and immaturity.  Writing this, I am still irritated at how much guilt I have felt for thinking I had a bad childhood, when she has tried to tell me time and time again that I was just too sensitive and I should count myself lucky.  Honestly, if it were not for video games, I might well have traveled so far down the rabbit hole of imagination land that I may well have lost my grip on reality forever, and that is a tangent I will leave alone for now. 

My childhood was not healthy.  My primary relationship role models were non existent, and growing up as an only child without long term relationship norms, it is no wonder that I clung onto my first adult relationship for over 8 years.  There was zero stability in my early childhood.  Only one healthy relationship comes to mind in my extended family and that perfect image was shattered as soon as I was old enough to learn about the skeletons in their closet (in the interest of always being brutally honest even when not appropriate, of course). There was no stable father figure for me until I was 10, and even then, it took a long time for my step dad to become the incredible influence that he remains today. Having an open relationship without a stable image of one growing up, makes me wonder how in the world I could have initially thought this would be easy.  Instead I have had to learn the hard way, how to actually love, build stable healthy relationships with friends first, partner second and all the spice afterwards.  Without a model, this was a challenge. 

So maybe what I should be taking away from all this is that sometimes, things need to break before you try to fix them.  And then if you cannot fix them, as our astoundingly high divorce rate indicates, perhaps it is time to look to a new model.  A new way of looking at relationships in the long term, a way that allows us to no longer fight our instincts.  A relationship standard or outline, in which the male desire to be with multiple woman is accepted, and even embraced.  Where woman`s competitive desire to seek out the best possible mate after being allowed to choose without taboo and social stigma attached becomes the norm.  Men and woman are give up a lot to be monogamous.  The relationship norms I grew up with, were constantly being broken and re tried in the same manor expecting a different outcome.  It never came, and resulted in the relationship between parents and offspring being irreparably damaged.  Relationships should add to your life, not make is so difficult that you cannot properly take care of the needs of you family.

Coming from a broken home, in retrospect puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to having open relationships.  With no solid foundation to look towards as a model for how to treat a person in a long term, loving environment, it is easier to do things poorly.  My learning curve is drastically changed and I started this blog to really work towards finding the best possible way to explore my happiness.  With that being said, in terms of monogamy, if it isn’t broken why fix it?  To me the system appears broken, either as a result of my roots, or by all the staggering numbers of broken homes and divorces out there.  I share my story, because I accept where I came from.  I don’t want to be a broken home statistic, but if that’s what it boils down to, so be it.  I hope over the years, I have shared the human side of my relationships and the happiness I feel being open.  May that be worth more, may all the soul searching and introspective be more valuable than just being a child of divorce questioning relationship norms because I am angry at how I was raised.  I am not angry.  I cannot change the past, only the now.  

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Online Dating Catch Phrases

In online dating, there seem to be a few catch phrases that are going around on peoples profiles.  More and more I am seeing two specifically; down to earth, and drama free.  Now I know the good intent with which these requirements are put online, or at least I understood when I first started to see them around.  Now though, I am confident that all meaning behind them has become lost, or muddled which is the way popularized words and phrases go in the English language.  So let me sum up my experience with these terms in hope that by working together we can find more clarity in what we want.

Down to earth, I have seen this on both male and female profiles.  My original thought whenever I see this one, is lament, as I am a skydiver so I spend a good deal of time getting farther and farther away from the earth.  Yes, it is a silly response, but so is this ever popularized phrase.  Are you really meaning that you do not want to date an airhead?  If so, say you are attracted by intelligence, a level of education, or more specifically a discipline of study.  Do you really want someone with solid roots?  Then specify that you want someone who owns their own home, has a solid foundation or close knit family, perhaps even that they are active in the community.  Maybe you do not want to date a dreamer or someone whose head is too far in outer space.  Again, there is probably a clearer way of stating this. Try and state your actual turn ons, those aspects about a person that would help you click, and escalate attraction.  Or maybe you just want to stop dating pilots and flight attendants, and if that is the case, I am pretty sure you can figure out how to be more direct in stating that all on your own.

Next up, is the drama free.  I am at the point now where I cringe upon reading this one.  Who knowingly seeks drama and stress in their lives?  Do you really mean that you seek a person free of any and all commitments?  Children, school, being a caregiver, are a few examples of committed persons, and each is very easy to spell out with real clarity.  Or perhaps you want someone who doesn't have any baggage, i.e. a violent ex, or an impending prison sentence.  Sure, this seems pretty reasonable, however, the term drama free is just too all encompassing.  It is a scapegoat that allows you to back out of any situation that you don’t like. “ Oh, you had a boyfriend in the past who you have joint custody of a pet with?  Well, that is just too much drama, and I like to live my life stress free.  Nothing to stand in the way of my happiness or impede me from doing what I want, when I want.”  This drama free thing always screams to me that the person had a really bad experience with crazy, and is now gun shy.  If you are that afraid of drama, you are going to have a real tough time building a real relationship, because shit happens to the best of us.

In all seriousness though, when I ask a person straight up to clarify what they mean by these two phrases, the answers are always different.  And that is the problem, there is too much vagueness.  Either the person writing is not clear on what they want, or the person reading is unaware of what traits might set the person off running.  So if you are seriously trying to make a connection, or spark interest with a stranger, please try and be clear with what you want.  And know what you don’t want.  Try and take the guess work out of that initial introduction.  It will save a lot of time and wasted effort by both parties.  The goal should be to stand out, seem confident by knowing who you are and what you want.  Avoiding catch phrases altogether may give you an advantage.

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Badge of Honor and Cone of Shame

Some learned behavioural traits you wear like a badge of honor, or in other words you carry daily and have a real sense of pride.  And at other times you feel you have been forced into wearing nothing but a cone of shame, those loathsome traits that are the Hyde to your Jekyll.  I’m discussing those traits and emotions that I was raised with and carried into adulthood.  It seems that in most situations science states that environment plays a larger role in how we develop and grow emotionally than just genetics alone.  Environment presets the filters that allow us to see the world and interact with it.  And these presets come from friends, the education system and of course family. 

I like to think in a perfect world, your family is responsible for encouraging you to show off the best traits you have.  By shaping you, with healthy and high reaching goals, in preparedness for venturing into the big world as a contributing member of society.  In my family, this was not quite the case.  In fact, looking back, stubbornness, and childish behaviour were encouraged.  It was the ironic badge of honor, that thing that confirmed we were from the same blood line.  These childish and immature emotions, passed on from one generation to the next were what bonded us together as one family unit and thus encouraged.  My parents mirrored that of their parents, and of course I am writing this because I see it in myself at times of emotional stress, or have had it pointed out to me in frustration.  I see in myself the ability to lose control of my emotions, to act out in a childish manor when I don’t get my way, or worse just being plain stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.  As I said, growing up, I had two generations who would see these traits in me, and smile, knowing that this was the way our family was.  Never putting their foot down and then tell me that this behaviour was wrong, and highly unproductive.

I commend my grandparents for figuring out later in life that this behaviour needed to stop, and to make effort to end this negative cycle. With that said it may very well be too late for their children to ever understand the affects of the negative emotions that they encouraged in their offspring.  And now here, entering my 30’s I am just starting to understand and ensure that this emotional devolution is stopped before a new generation begins.  I envision a time where children are praised and supported for being happy, inquisitive and explorative.  Rather than showering us with encouragement when we show signs of being stubborn, single minded and emotionally volatile. 

I am breaking the chain of silence and acknowledging that I know where I want to repair the damage, and continue building a better and more emotionally stable me.  I wrote this post without blame, as I am responsible for the emotions that I posses.  However knowing where they come from assists me in ensuring that negative feedback loop is not replicated.  Change and growth only occur when a person recognizes a problem and makes a conscious effort to stop the behaviour, and once stopped, learns to build new habits.  Followed then by the task of replacing the changed behaviour with new and positive emotions.  I have outgrown my cone of shame, and am replacing that with my head held up high, in full control of my emotions whether I was raised that way or not.  Let the amazing relationships build up from here.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Relationship and Self Help Books

Save your relationships with these easy steps, divorce with dignity, should you stay or should you go, these are a few of the more common book themes aimed at assisting with relationships and sex problems facing our society today.  Make no mistake, it is a million dollar industry, and one that each and every one of us have subscribed to at some point in our dating life.  At what point though, do we stop and think about what we are subscribing to?  That perhaps there is a bigger issue at hand, one that a relationship rescue mission will not be able to save.  Why are we working against our human nature by looking for these quick fixes, and these bandaid type solutions?  Are any of us actually seeking the reason for our relationship issues?

In the same breath, why are we losing the ability to communicate with our fellow man at such an alarming rate?  Why have we become such pussies, afraid to say what we mean, and mean what we say.  Sarcasm is often an excuse to soften a real opinion.  Or the worse scenario, where we don't talk and instead just ignore a person completely to avoid any unwanted conflict.  A friend of mine has just gone through a situation whereby the guy stopped talking to her out of the blue.  There was no breakup text, no phone call, no email, just one day radio silence.  We both figured this was an isolated incident and chalked it up to the guy just being emotionally immature.  That was until it happened again with a new guy a few months later, things going great and then just like that, nothing.  And I have heard complaints of the same variety from guys in regards to women they are pursuing.  The lady seems happy, then just one day, stops returning texts or phone calls.  A very clear pattern is starting to form.  A pattern of emotionally fearful humans. 

Maybe it is because the current generation has never been on the receiving end of a slammed phone.  Has never experienced that shock at holding a dead phone in your hand, after that unmistakable angry click.  This new generation has never felt that sinking feeling in your tummy, then learned how to react without vengeance, followed by the realization that your world did not just end.  Or that sensation of having a door slammed in your face when you were a jerk to someone else, a well deserved punishment, we are too afraid to do to another human, lest they get offended.  We have lost that ability to interact face to face.  Instead we opt to text the person our feelings, even in the same room to lessen the emotional burden.  To ease embarrassment, and try and take the squeamish feeling away.  It is a scary thought, the notion that we are afraid of our own emotions and terrified of reactions from those around us.  We misinterpret emotions in text messages a hundred times a day.  Then we follow this up with a failure to respond ever again, no closure, just taking the easy way out. We end the artificial texting relationship without so much as a frowny face. 

So keep buying those relationship self help books.  They are written for a very good reason, we as a society need assistance in dealing with the world around us.  But please first, put down the phone, stop typing that well thought out e-mail, and stop tweeting that so and so is the biggest douche on the planet.  Have some real face time, learn again to read body language, watch facial cues, or maybe just hug it out.  Once you have mastered this basic element of human interaction, you might be better equipped to move on to a relationship with more that one human being at a time... just maybe.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

My 2013 Review

Some very important changes have come about in the 2013 year. In my personal life, with my blog, and some extra curricular too.  Resolutions are hard to keep going for an entire 365 with the same gumption that began them on January first, and in my case the reason is that I tend to forget I even made them in the first place.  Hence why I would much rather take a critical look at the past year then try to put the same drive into the upcoming year, and in a few areas, quite a bit more.  

If you have been a reader for more than a few months, you will have noticed the addition of photo’s onto my blog.  This was one of the more challenging decisions that I made in 2013.  Coming to terms with my openness not just by writing, but with action as well, and now the added visual aspect took a little while to wrap my head around.  It was a change that I was toying with for over a year, and finally brave enough to press the add picture button towards later part of the year.  I look forward to seeing where my photographers want to take the pictures as it is a whole new place of artistic expression which I feel adds depth to my work, and seems to have added a few readers as well.  On a side note, if you enjoy photography, have any new ideas, perhaps just a brand new camera to break in, and would like to contribute in that end I would love to hear from you.

The coolest challenge that I worked on was in regards to my non writing hobbies, which mainly includes skydiving.  On thanksgiving I achieved my AFF in Canada, and obtained the same status in the US a few months later.  Being able to solo jump is one of the more challenging tasks I have undertaken.  It is physically exhausting at times, weather frustrating and of course expensive.  With that said, I have always loved plane rides combined with the feeling of leaving a plane for those few seconds of freefall is an experience that I will not even attempt to describe, simply it is amazing.  Sweat, a little blood and many tears have gone into this sport thus far, and I look forward to enjoying the laughter and thrills for years to come now that I have overcome the pass or fail stage. 

Now for the personal side of things, which I know is why you all keep coming back.  Moving in with E was a roller coaster of emotions.  From long distance, to full time, to long distance and back again, we went from intermediate communicators to near experts.  The foundation that we built over the past few years was critical in helping us survive the challenges that our relationship has faced over the last 6 months especially.  Learning to let go of that fear of rejection and just love with my whole heart is my most treasured accomplishments thus far.  I could never have achieved this without a partner who allows me to fail, and supports me when I pick myself back up.  I am so grateful for the partner I have found, through the ups and downs.  er

And finally, a complete understanding of the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’, in that, the original quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.  I have been working towards building strong relationships with the friends around me, and letting go of all the commitments I felt obligated towards ie blood family members who do not show respect for me or my loved ones.  I redefined the meaning of the word family, found real peace of mind letting go of some blood ties that I allowed for far too long to affect me.  Blood kinship in my opinion should never be an obligation, it should be a privilege, or at the very least a mutually beneficial relationship.  There are still a few places I may trip up, but for the most part, I have let go of the emotional burden a few select members of my family have placed on my life.  

2013 was filled with soul searching, finding a real sense of peace, and accepting who I am.  Finding my own confidence to take risks and not rely on the superficial or superimposed bonds that I had for so long, and that weighed a little too heavily in on my mind.  2014 will result in some fairly large goals being achieved if I am able to keep the same momentum, and  that will result in a very natural and pleasant progression from 2013.  I am energized and excited to share my continued journey with you all.