I was going through my blog comment section this morning and realized that I had missed responding to someone from 2012. It was on a post entitled Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter. So aside from feeling terrible for ignoring someone who took the time to comment, I also felt bad because of the myth that he was taking solace in. The myth is that for marriage to last for ever, you should be with your best friend, because in the end, when the sex life has fizzled out, you will still have your soul mate. Basically, put more stock in a companion than a sexual equal. I hate this myth.
Why put limits on your relationship? Why perpetuate the idea that one must settle in order to live happily ever after (which I also do not agree with). Life is whatever you make of it. Relationships can be whatever you want them to be. A lifetime together means just that, a lifetime making each other happy. And for a lot of people, myself included, sex enriches my life and relationship. Penn and Teller, did a Bullshit episode on Old People, which looked at all the myths that happen when people get old. Sex drive dying was definitely a myth according to many who were interviewed. In fact, how many times have you heard of near polyamory in old folks homes? Human nature is to experience everything you possibly can when you know the end is near. And sex is high on that list.
In my own family, I was horrified to find out that some elderly seniors thought it was funny to pick up the phone to invite the other into the shower with them... while I was on the line! I won't put in writing who it was, but I can tell you that sex is very much still a part of that 50 plus year marriage. And it is only uncomfortable because they are family. Reading that from anyone else, I would probably say that is so sweet, but pleased don't tell me anymore.
Find someone who is your equal, who always has your back and you theirs. Find a partner. But don't limit yourself to myths. Don't think that sex has to dry up. Don't place more value on companionship if that is not what's important to you. Make your own long term goals with your partners and live everyday in love and happiness. Do not allow limits to control you! Or myths that keep a person down on some potentially miserable level. Sexless marriage is not inevitable unless you want it to be.
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Sunday, 12 June 2016
If you have been following me for a while, you will see that I have tried to give helpful online dating advice. Although I know my sincerity sometimes gets misconstrued for humour, there are times when I can do nothing but laugh at the absurdity of some of the messages or interactions I have had.
A few weeks ago, I came across an attractive male’s online dating profile. When I clicked on his picture to read his biography, as I do before messaging anyone, I was a little caught off guard. Basically, he wrote that he was happily married and a friend of his told him about this dating site and how it could help his business. The business was feet massages. I was a little confused at this point as to why someone was selling something on a dating site for meeting people, but hey, fine. Then the kicker. He wrote that a friend of his had him massage her feet, and it was so wonderful that he needed to expand his business. And that, perhaps once women found out how amazing his massage was, they would realize that they were seeking a foot rub, rather than a man. Ahem, I am not sure a foot rub, no matter how amazing could replace a partner, but hey, maybe you do get what you pay for.
Here is another one for you, called Winning the Lottery
Although I joke about winning the lottery with E, I have never seriously considered even buying a ticket, let alone winning. But a few months back I got a message that got me thinking. I was approached online by a man who had actually won the lottery. He was fairly old (mid 50’s), bought a baseball team and was dating a 23 year old. To top it all off, they swing and were looking for a couple to date. They travel around Alberta as they have the money to do so, to have hot nights with couples. So many questions started running through my head.
Did this guy always believe in non monogamy or did winning 1 million dollars give him the confidence to do so. Did the young lady know him prior to his winnings? Does money actually make a man more attractive? All these questions and more went spiralling through my head. To bum out my readers, I never actually met the man in person. I made my decision on this guy based on his profile and his picture. I did not get swayed by the possibility this guy was telling the truth and would spoil E and I. But it seems even millionaires use free online dating apps to meet people. Who knew?
The Seduction, Well Sort of
Twice now, I have been messaged by cute blond girls. Maybe it is the same girl, using a different alias each time, but either way, here is how this one goes. “Hey Sweetie, you’re super cute”. Me flattered of course engages in conversation. Then after a few messages, the purpose is revealed. “So, I have this fantasy, but each time I write in on this site I get blocked, can I have your number?”. Me, being the paranoid lady that I am, refuse this request and ask for more information on what this fantasy is that could possibly get her blocked. “I have this hot fantasy, where a stranger seduces my boyfriend, then I find out, and have really hot sex with him”. Uh, what? The game plan is, a woman finds another woman online, then organizes the two of us meeting at a bar, and then I have to do all this work to seduce the guy. And the rub is, in both scenarios, the guy has no idea it is happening. Basically I am making him cheat on his girlfriend, but in the end, surprise, he wasn’t really cheating because she orchestrated the whole thing! So yay! And well, no.
And as for the drawing, that was from a sweet moment, when I stranger online asked if he could draw me from one of my posted pictures. My own personal, Titanic moment, and of course I said, absolutely.
So there are a few of my funnier, or crazier online dating moments. As always, I would love to hear a few of your out there. And I am sure, that there will be a part II of this post in the future! Stay tuned…
Saturday, 28 May 2016
Dating sites are a critical tool in open relationships. The advice of just go out and meet people is not quite kosher when you are non monogamous. So whether you are looking to add some spice or make new connections vetting through an online forum is the best way to go. But of course, there is not just one dating site that perfectly suits my every changing wants and needs, so it is useful to have a few sites to bounce between. Here is a brief review of 3 that I am currently using: POF, Ok Cupid and Bumble. Side note, Tinder is a mixture of all 3 of these sites, so I am excluding it for the time being. There is just nothing particularly special about it, it is merely a swiping exercise or boredom tool.
Plenty of Fish has the largest user base, with the most restrictions for interactions. As the pool so to speak is so vast, the likely hood of finding what you want, couples or just something fun on the side is higher. However, there are some major drawbacks. You cannot be honest about what you are looking for in your profile, ie married or poly. They have very strict rules, and set themselves up as a singles site. If you break these rules, you can be reported, blocked, or have your profile deleted. This is not just a scare tactic, I have had my profile deleted because I said I was looking for couples in my profile. There are subtle ways around this, for example, you can now put living together as one of your relationship taglines. But of course, who really reads these things right? It is an enticing site for people like me, just due to the sheer volume of users, but you also have to wade through a lot of crap to find what you are looking for. And the restrictions POF places on who can use the site increases the deception that goes on. So I always use the site with guards up, ready, and prepared for the abuses that come with interacting with such a variety of people who are not always prepared to handle my situation.
Next up we have Ok Cupid. This is by far my favourite site for dating as a couple. We can put links to each other’s profiles right in our opening paragraph. There are filters for non monogamy, and a bunch of fantastic ways to narrow down the quest to find that perfect someone. It is set up for such a wide variety of users that I hope someday OKC will get the volume that POF has. I have had some great conversations with poly, and open people alike. How could you not send a lovely message? Being able to share links is also a benefit. Of course, there are report buttons and block options just like with POF, but I find it is users who block and not the site owners scanning your messages for rule infractions. I feel more like a responsible adult on OK Cupid. But of course, because the open community is so small, you cannot just stick with one site. So onto the newest app I have tried, and that is Bumble.
Bumble is the female’s answer to Tinder. Women match and talk first. No more having to block users at a rapid pace when you first sign up as is necessary with all other dating apps and sites I have used over the years. Here, we the females, have 24 hours to message that cutie that caught our eye and set the tone for our current wants. It is a fantastic premise. Being new though, there are a lot of fake profiles, and more than that, a huge shortage of people. This app is going to take some time to really gain traction, and I hope it does. The fear of reading the message of the biggest creep is gone. The men cannot initiate contact, and that in itself removes the almost predatory feeling I think most women have felt while online dating. It can be scary at times, and that can then crush a good girls ego. Of course, being that the woman have the power, it leaves out a huge population gap that does not fit into the binary male/female interaction. I cannot see a solution that would make everyone happy. I do know that there is a setting so that you can see both male and female profiles, but that I have not yet tried, so am unable to comment on it's effectiveness.
So there you have it, the short and sweet low down on just 3 of the dating sites that are available and I use with relative frequency. I'm always open to new suggestions as well, so feel free to message me or add some to the comment section. Cheers!
Saturday, 21 May 2016
Yes, you are correct boys, women love a good dead fish picture. And what's more, we are judging you by the size of it. The bigger the fish, the better. We don't just want to know that you can provide a meal for us, caught all by yourself, but we want to know that there will be enough for leftovers! Oh, you are looking for a woman who cooks and cleans? Is that directly related to the fish you just caught? Why sir, you're in luck. We will happily gut that fish and throw it in the frying pan with the secret recipe of spices that all us online dating woman share.
I guess fair is fair though. Because we female species know that when we put quadding or camping in our profiles, your manhood starts getting chubby. I mean how else do we prove that we are "down to earth". Not a girly girl that you have to constantly spoil and pamper, but that rough and tumble chick that you can bring around to your buddies and get the hi fives from.
And for all online dating profiles equally, please stop putting nothing but group photos up. I do not know what you look like, and I don’t want to try and pick you out of a crowd. Plus, you are either the hot one in the group showing off, or the ugly one trying to bank on the cheerleader effect. Oh, but look how much fun we are all having posing for this epic picture? No, seriously, I do not know which one you are and chances are when I figure it out, I am going to be disappointed!
If you want to know anything about me, I'm an open book. Please ask me anything, because I don't want to spend the time writing anything in my profile. I just hate these online things, and I am looking for the easiest means of meeting the one. We can always lie about how we met! Just judge me on the size of my fish, and not on my vocabulary!
Monday, 9 May 2016
I wrote a post during my first year blogging, called Sex is Just Sex? In it, I did a very poor job of trying to describe the first couple I had met, that had an open understanding in their long distance relationship. My writing was limited by my desire not to offend, and to not give the couple away, and in turn made that whole post a convoluted mess. Also, and the reason I am sharing this post again, is to outline why I started blogging. I can see clear growth in my understanding of open relationships and how I can now write about them, with the freeness that I actually feel in my day to day life.
When I met the male in that referenced couple it was before he was married, and I got along with him great. I respected him, and trusted his judgement. For this reason, and this reason alone, I kept my mouth shut when I found out that he had slept with another woman, while his soon to be wife was studying abroad. As I mentioned in that terribly written post, the couple had an open understanding whenever they were in different countries. I did not understand this concept at the time. And clearly I did not have the clearest understanding of the value of this sort of relationship norm when I wrote about it.
I now see a much more human element in this foundation. This friend, trusted that I would not judge when he told me his story. I failed him, and judged him hardcore on the inside. How, could sex not mean something? How could sex with others be part of a healthy and loving relationship? At the time, I was monogamous, and had only ever slept with one man. That was my relationship identity. I could not help but hold them to the same standard that I held myself to.
I have felt judged and criticized for being in an open relationship many times over the years. Now however, I can look back on how I reacted to this couple which was less than mature, and how now I feel I have had a fairly good friendship with this man over the years. I first ignored the personality flaws that I didn’t like (openness) and then I just forgot all about that. It was none of my business. Now, I embrace that about him. I can see a braveness in him for sharing this possibility for non monogamy nearly 15 years ago. There was nothing in the media, or internet about those types of couples at the time. Nothing mainstream anyways.
He and his wife are still together, with a beautiful family. I have not yet asked if they are still open, because it just really doesn’t matter to me. They are wonderful people, with great careers and a lovely family. Their relationship values work, even if they have changed over the years. For some couples, sex is just sex when it is with other people. It can fill a necessary function of life when in a long distance relationship, or just because both parties want the extra physical contact in their lives.
Sunday, 24 April 2016
Yesterday, while listening to CBC, I heard an advertisement that left me speechless. In Spain, where the rate of adultery averages 2.5 affairs per year per household, they have come up with a new revolutionary new product. A mattress, that notifies your smartphone when it is being used suspiciously, and they call it the Smartress . If you cannot trust your mattress to keep your dirty secrets, I mean, who can you trust? Let’s not even deal with the issue of how you explain the purchase of said mattress, or the logistics of getting updates from your bed. What if you have a dog that jumps up and down on it? Or your kid playing hookie from school and the bed catches them… wait… that could be added value right there. But back on point, you suspect that your partner is cheating, so you discreetly purchase a new bed to catch them in the act?
A few years ago, an app came out that would send you outgoing message notifications from your partners cell phone. Basically a nanny cam for a cell phone also known as actual spyware. To me it just seemed like click bait, so I honestly did not research how the actual device or software works. I just know for a while, every second ad online was screaming 'do you know who your spouse is texting right now?' It seemed obsessive, and ironically supported in part by Ashely Madison. So here we are, still in a culture where we do not trust our partner's so we sink to levels as low as them, to catch them doing something we feel is worse.
We all know the black and white movies where a lady in a trench coat seeks out the office door that has 'private investigator' painted on it. We know exactly what she is there seeking, confirmation of her worst fears, her husbands unfaithful behaviour. We all know what that next scene will depict, the private investigator stalking a spouse, hoping to catch them doing the nasty and them provide photographic proof that devastates a family. We rationally know the P I is slimy, but the suspicious wife? Never! She is the angel, who seeks out aid, under cloak and dagger in desperation. Only to be driven mad, when her worst fears are realised in that manila envelope of proof. Ok, sometimes that damsel in distress dies a gruesome death, but hey, that's just to keep you on your toes. The point is, we sensationalize the methodology for catching the partner cheating, in media and in our daily lives.
And now, your mattress can send you a text. The further technology advances, the further we get from one on one human interaction. Or being able to have adult conversations about serious issues, needs and wants. It honestly would be so much easier to get that text message, go home, pack your bags and then just copy and paste the notification to your spouse. No mess, no fuss, and full valianouther word. Let’s not deal with why, in the macho and poverty stricken Spain, the infidelity rate is spiking alarmingly. Let us instead, spend nearly $2000 on a new mattress, a couple hundred bucks on a Private Dick, or download a free app. Humans, constantly finding new and creative ways to catch a spouse in the act.dation without ever having to say a word to one another. Peace of mind, from the item that gives you a good nights rest. It was just as sexy in the past to leave the envelope of dirty pictures on the husbands desk and leave in the middle of the night, never saying
Saturday, 9 April 2016
When I began my blogging and personal journey about exploring non monogamy I wrote a post about some of my underlying fears . I was in a place of passive relationship status rather than an active one. I had a genuine fear of uncomfortable or without warning, meeting women that E had slept with. It actually would keep me up some nights, going over in my head how I would react in countless situations. Drama filled scenes plagued my dreams. Stress, apprehension and the like or even an occasional cat fight would play out in both my sleeping and waking imagination.
And funnily enough, I have not had this thought cross my mind in what feels like years. My relationship has shifted from passive to active control. I have a direction and am steering my life the way I feel suits me best. I am no longer just a watcher, experiencing things through E with curiosity and naïve or plain false concepts in my mind. Instead, I am confident and have put certain notions behind me. This nightmare is one of the most vivid examples I can think of.
People talk about jealousy and how to overcome it. That is a massive concept that takes years, and one that my side projects involve dealing with. For the day to day, being able to come across experiences in my own writing and realize I have evolved past them is such an incredible high. The fear was real, and it was sound. However it was based in a place of insecurity and lack of trust in my partner and my relationship. Our foundation was not strong enough at the time for us to tackle my fear together. I guess that is one of the downsides to having a first time open experience with a partner who had explored it previously. I took much longer to come around to critical thinking, and ultimately learn to embrace with strong self esteem, issues like this.
Fear is based on surviving. And I feel that perhaps I was in survival mode when E and I first started dating. I was in a place whereby every aspect of my life was changing and it felt great and overwhelming all at the same time. I literally threw all the balls of my life in the air over a period of about 2 and a half years and then systematically picked up each one and put it where I wanted. And I threw out all the ones that were not to my liking, just like this insecurity that kept nagging at me. One day, it was just gone. My fear, overcome.