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Sunday, 24 April 2016

Cheating: Creative Ways Humans Detect It

Yesterday, while listening to CBC, I heard an advertisement that left me speechless.  In Spain, where the rate of adultery averages 2.5 affairs per year per household, they have come up with a new revolutionary new product.  A mattress, that notifies your smartphone when it is being used suspiciously, and they call it the Smartress .  If you cannot trust your mattress to keep your dirty secrets, I mean, who can you trust?  Let’s not even deal with the issue of how you explain the purchase of said mattress, or the logistics of getting updates from your bed.  What if you have a dog that jumps up and down on it?  Or your kid playing hookie from school and the bed catches them… wait… that could be added value right there.  But back on point, you suspect that your partner is cheating, so you discreetly purchase a new bed to catch them in the act?

A few years ago, an app came out that would send you outgoing message notifications from your partners cell phone.   Basically a nanny cam for a cell phone also known as actual spyware.  To me it just seemed like click bait, so I honestly did not research how the actual device or software works. I just know for a while, every second ad online was screaming 'do you know who your spouse is texting right now?'   It seemed obsessive, and ironically supported in part by Ashely Madison.  So here we are, still in a culture where we do not trust our partner's so we sink to levels as low as them, to catch them doing something we feel is worse.   

We all know the black and white movies where a lady in a trench coat seeks out the office door that has 'private investigator' painted on it.  We know exactly what she is there seeking, confirmation of her worst fears, her husbands unfaithful behaviour.  We all know what that next scene will depict, the private investigator stalking a spouse, hoping to catch them doing the nasty and them provide photographic proof that devastates a family.  We rationally know the P I is slimy, but the suspicious wife?  Never!  She is the angel, who seeks out aid, under cloak and dagger in desperation.  Only to be driven mad, when her worst fears are realised in that manila envelope of proof.  Ok, sometimes that damsel in distress dies a gruesome death, but hey, that's just to keep you on your toes.  The point is, we sensationalize the methodology for catching the partner cheating, in media and in our daily lives.


And now, your mattress can send you a text.  The further technology advances, the further we get from one on one human interaction.  Or being able to have adult conversations about serious issues, needs and wants.  It honestly would be so much easier to get that text message, go home, pack your bags and then just copy and paste the notification to your spouse.  No mess, no fuss, and full valianouther word.  Let’s not deal with why, in the macho and poverty stricken Spain, the infidelity rate is spiking alarmingly.  Let us instead, spend nearly $2000 on a new mattress, a couple hundred bucks on a Private Dick, or download a free app.  Humans, constantly finding new and creative ways to catch a spouse in the act.
dation without ever having to say a word to one another. Peace of mind, from the item that gives you a good nights rest. It was just as sexy in the past to leave the envelope of dirty pictures on the husbands desk and leave in the middle of the night, never saying

Saturday, 9 April 2016

A Fear of Non Monogamy: Overcome

When I began my blogging and personal journey about exploring non monogamy I wrote a post about some of my underlying fears .  I was in a place of passive relationship status rather than an active one.  I had a genuine fear of uncomfortable or without warning, meeting women that E had slept with.  It actually would keep me up some nights, going over in my head how I would react in countless situations.  Drama filled scenes plagued my dreams.  Stress, apprehension and the like or even an occasional cat fight would play out in both my sleeping and waking imagination.

And funnily enough, I have not had this thought cross my mind in what feels like years.  My relationship has shifted from passive to active control.  I have a direction and am steering my life the way I feel suits me best.  I am no longer just a watcher, experiencing things through E with curiosity and na├»ve or plain false concepts in my mind.  Instead, I am confident and have put certain notions behind me.  This nightmare is one of the most vivid examples I can think of. 

People talk about jealousy and how to overcome it.  That is a massive concept that takes years, and one that my side projects involve dealing with.  For the day to day, being able to come across experiences in my own writing and realize I have evolved past them is such an incredible high.  The fear was real, and it was sound.  However it was based in a place of insecurity and lack of trust in my partner and my relationship.  Our foundation was not strong enough at the time for us to tackle my fear together.  I guess that is one of the downsides to having a first time open experience with a partner who had explored it previously.  I took much longer to come around to critical thinking, and ultimately learn to embrace with strong self esteem, issues like this.


Fear is based on surviving.  And I feel that perhaps I was in survival mode when E and I first started dating.  I was in a place whereby every aspect of my life was changing and it felt great and overwhelming all at the same time.  I literally threw all the balls of my life in the air over a period of about 2 and a half years and then systematically picked up each one and put it where I wanted.  And I threw out all the ones that were not to my liking, just like this insecurity that kept nagging at me.  One day, it was just gone.  My fear, overcome.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Online Profile Pictures

I wrote a post a while back that discusses Fictitious Dating Profiles , geared at men who post fake profiles.  Now I find myself needing to speak out about men with no picture at all.  So here is the way I see this.  I have my picture up.  So in basic terms of tit for tat, if you try and contact a person with a picture, you better have a photo of yourself in return.  It is only fair.  While I have been sympathetic in the past to the multitude of excuses for not having a picture up, privacy, insecure, just don’t want to, blah blah, please understand that there will be no further communication from me.

  
Why do I draw such a hard line?  It is fairly simple, humans are visual.  I want to have an accurate picture of who I am talking to, prior to making any sort of connection.  There is a safety aspect, too, that I will fall back on when I am trying to be nice.  The whole, having a conversation with someone and then finding out what they look like weeks later, and it’s your next door neighbor old stalker, or some scary stuff like that. 

The bottom line though, I do not like surprises.  I do not find it fun, to make an online connection and then find out that the person is morbidly obese, or completely not my type.  I have a wonderful partner.  I am not looking to find blind love on the internet.  I would rather that no time was wasted on a killer personality (see what I did there?), but someone who hadn’t cut his hair in year or left his basement except to go the occasional drive through window, which appears to be is his only source of nutrition other than the simpler delivery option.

I just cannot take a person seriously that is so afraid of posting a picture online of themselves looking to meet other people.  Are you honestly that scared of the co –worker finding your online profile?  Why?  What is that co-worker doing on there?  Perhaps the same thing you are?  Or are you not allowed a personal life outside of the office?  Ok fine.  You are insecure and truly want your wit and charm to shine through over your looks.  You have decided that you do not think looks matter.  Then why are you clicking on the profile pictures of someone else, and not reading their profile?  Are we a wee bit hypocritical there?  Hey, you’re hot, but I’m not, so don’t be superficial and just pity fuck me OK?
 

My rational for posting a picture on the online dating sites could go on and on.  But the bottom line is, I want to see the person I chat with.  When we go out on couple’s dates, we check out the pictures of both parties, or we do not go.  Very, very simple.  If reading this makes you feel a little butt-hurt, or your brain is racing with that one excuse that would change my mind, feel free to share.  But also, please include a picture of yourself.  

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Where Do All the Pretty People Play?

We should all know by now that sex in real life is nothing like you see in porn.  There is no soft lighting making us all look like models, it can be sweaty, and the sounds and sights are never what you just watched on the web.  And unfortunately for me, the same can be said for the sex positive poly community.  There are idealized visions of meeting like minded individuals that look and think in a similar way to you.  And well, that bubble was burst when we met a whole group face to face.  How do I put this delicately?  Well, there isn’t a way, other than to say, in a group of 30 or so people, E and I became 10’s.  In every single way!  Optimum age, superstar bodies, visual appearances and attitude simply because our surroundings left much to be desired.  We become that couple that everyone in the room wants to be with, and it is weird. 

On the one hand this situation has its fleeting moment of flattery.  I imagine similar to walking the red carpet, but where everyone wants and tries to grab your ass.  On the other though, we really want to find people closer to us.  We want to walk away full of energy, phone numbers and exciting stories when we get home.  So far, this has not been the case.  So I wonder, where do all the pretty people play?  The people who are physically fit, and want to put their best foot forward for both themselves and their partners?  We do not demand perfection, but we do appreciate looking outwards and seeing something other than obesity, insecurity and wrinkles.

When we went to the LA area swing club, confidence is on the top tier when you look out upon the sea of people.  Many of course, have the take me or leave me type of body and dress code.  But there are a few who take excellent care of themselves, and it shows.  In Calgary, so far, that has not been the case.  Pretty, to me is more than skin deep.  It is an outlook, and a way of caring about yourself, both emotionally and physically. 

We went to a poly meet and greet a few weeks back here in the city, and we both left the night a little depressed that that was the poly representation.  We have that slimy, over confident guy, who showed us a very nondescript picture of his stripper girlfriend who at the last minute couldn’t make it out.  To the woman, who was obviously dragged there by her husband and was terrified of being left alone.  And to the loud and heavy couples who were the majority, and just seemed to me like horny, hungry, hippos.  The women who showed up wearing sweat pants was an interesting touch.  Or the people trying hard to create safe cuddle spaces, and 4 person share your dream events, as an ongoing Saturday evening experience.  I am independent and confident and have no interest in paying money to cuddle on the floor with strangers for validation.  To each their own of course, but I want what I want.  And this type of interaction is just not it.

I want to go and interact with pretty people.  With educated and adventurous type couples who have stories to share, and an understanding and appreciation of their bodies and their health.  I want to meet someone, who is a spark and not just a little flicker.  For now, it seems, E and I will have to continue to travel to find our little adventures, because neither of us have found yet where our kind play locally.

Saturday, 27 February 2016

New Years Eve, The Swing Club and A Migraine?!?

Sometimes health has a funny way of interfering with our best laid plans.  This year, E and I decided that the most awesome way to ring in the New Year would be at a Swingers Club surrounded by hundreds of naked couples in the LA area.  And with tickets purchased and clothing pressed we were off, nearly 1 year to the day we went last year.  When we went on the first of 2015, it was very quiet.  Perhaps 20 couples in total throughout the night and you can read more of my adventures here.  
This year, just driving up to the parking lot, we knew it was going to be a completely different experience.  After a little nerve check and a pep talk in the car, we raced through the parking lot in extremely gusty winds that reminded us for the briefest moment of winter at home.

Once safely inside, and checked in, and we slowly made our way to the bar.  Once a beer was in hand, we were able to look around and asses what we had just gotten ourselves into.  The flyer said that the night was black and white, dress to impress.  Of course that is what we did, with E in his 3 piece suit and me, in a tight fitting long dress.  But as we looked out, we saw every manor of dress code interpretation you could think of.  From fake tuxedo shirts and black pants, to real tuxedos, and even a man with nothing but a leather vest, chaps and cowboy boots.  The woman ranged from the classic tight black dress, to sequenced mini- skirts, right on over to lingerie or topless with hula type skirts.  At $120 bucks per couple, I suppose you paid to wear whatever made you feel confident and sexy.

So here we were, beer in hand, taking in all the sights and sounds multiplied by nearly 20 over the previous year , as we figured there were about 350 couples on hand, plus staff and security, about to ring in 2016.  Walking from the bar to the bathroom was a complete grope fest, which was welcomed from some, and just creepy from others.  Added to it just a bizarre level of mingling and small chat, while waiting in line to get into either the couples washroom or the women only one, but that is what happens when you have such a vast of horny people in one room.  The ages ranged from a group of cute mid 20’s couples, right on up to people in their 70’s, who had probably been coming to this event for decades.  You had to admire their courage, and just the whole, who gives a fuck about age mentality. 

We danced, drank and were just getting into some light flirting and conversation with a fairly interesting couple when my body decided to give me a little surprise.  Remember that massive wind storm that we walked through the parking lot to?  Well it brought with it an enormous pressure change, and my head went from clear and happy to a pounding mess.  So here I am, trying to have a sexy good time, while holding back wincing amounts of pain.  Drinking my water, and moving ever so slowly.  Yup, and I broke a huge rule of mine.  I left my pain killers at the hotel room, because I figured my purse would be too full with ID, condoms and lube.  I was just a horny 30 something year old, wanting to throw my normal responsible self out the window for a New Years Eve.  Someday I will learn, maybe.

I can only admire E, and his reaction to this whole thing.  Here I am, saying I am going to be a trooper and last as long as I can, because we paid for this party and we are going to get sexy.  While at the same time trying to find a dark cozy nook where I could just hide away and not move an inch, which is not easy while there are 700 naked people walking around trying to do the exact same thing, albeit for very different reasons.  We walked around and while I would lean up against a wall and try to relax, he was able to have a really good look around at all the sex crazed couples bouncing from bed and room to swing.  It wasn’t much, but the best I could offer at the time.  We rang in the New Year on the dance floor, with dozens of sweaty people, free of many of the garments they came in wearing, hugging and kissing each other in one of the coolest situations I have ever seen.  It was hard not to feel that for just a moment you were out of body, and just watching, enchanted by the freeness of it all.  I think one of my favorite moments was grinding my man on the dance floor, without a single person judging us for it.  Allowing the music to just let us experience whatever we were feeling at that exact moment.  It was a glimmer of bliss and I forgot for those few minutes the throbbing that was guiding my evening.


I would love for this post to have been about all the amazing New Years Eve sexy fun that we had.  But sometimes life and health just gets in the way of that.  You roll with it, and just do your best.  We did finally find a little nook, and we did what we both do best.  It was hot, but it took all my will power to stay in that moment and not lose control of the pounding in my head.  After all the reflection though, and a year in between visits to swing clubs, E and I got some fabulous dialogue going.  We both know why we enjoy going, can discuss it, and share our wants and needs when we go back.  We are so lucky and fortunate to have found each other.  I love my partner, through all these years, the sexy times and the headaches.

Sunday, 21 February 2016

The Room for Beds

***2016 has started off a little intense for this ole blog of mine.  So, I am going to break things up a little with a fluffier piece.  This will segue nicely into some posts that are waiting in the queue to go up.   

There was an article that came out recently that compared sleeping arrangements between those in the baby boomer age, to those of today.  Specifically focusing on the idea of sleeping separate in two single beds versus the current norm of couples sleeping in a queen or king size bed together.   Baby boomers slept in separate beds and/or bedrooms.  A lot of the research shows that the main reason for this was child raising.   The mother would sleep with the babies and the father could get a full nights rest for work in the morning.  Our generation however has made this sleeping in different spaces quite the taboo.  If a couple is not sleeping in the same bed then it is a sure sign that something is amiss in the relationship.  Every solid couple sleeps in the same bed, hence why we have gone to great lengths to even make mattresses with two different levels of firmness in one queen sized frame.

I was right on board with this level of close minded thinking right up until December.  I read the article and began to ponder why sleeping on the same bed was so critical to a solid relationship.  In the back of my thinking, I recalled E saying that he and a former girlfriend used to have two beds in the same room pushed together.  Thereby creating a massive room for beds.  With E being 6'6", this meant he could actually get a full out sprawl on in a queen sized bed.  The gears in my head were really spinning.  If I could for a moment, pretend that sleeping in separate beds did not indicate that there was something wrong in the relationship, could this allow a fuller nights sleep to have two beds in the same room?

I took out a tape measure, and discovered to my amazement that we had a combination of box springs and mattresses in the house that were within a few centimeters of being level.  I excited asked E, if he would like do do a complete rearrange of the furniture upstairs to create our room full of queen sized beds.  I'm pretty sure that by the time I returned with furniture moving beer, he had already taken the old bed frame apart and was well on his way to helping me create our sleeping bliss.

After a few months of sleeping in separate beds, I can tell you that the benefits far outweigh any social stigma that was weighing on my mind.  He comes over to my side of the bed to snuggle while I read, or to have some adult time.  But when the time comes for sleep, I have the complete luxury of cocooning my blankets and cooking myself out with a pile of blankets.  As for E, he can keep his sheets perfectly tucked in around him.  He can sprawl and move from side to side without interrupting my sleep in the slightest.  We can even get out of bed most times without the other person even waking up in the morning, as there is no motion transfer.  

Our room for beds has been an amazing experience for the both of us.  Solid nights sleep, no loss of intimacy of any kind, and we were lucky enough that there were minimal costs with making the transition.  So just another example of why questioning social norms can be a really good thing, at least for the two of us.  


Sunday, 7 February 2016

The Toxic, and the Closed Door

When I wrote, broken but more than a mere statistic, it helped me.  It allowed me to let go of any trace of discomfort I felt coming from a broken home and being non monogamous.  So my aim, is that by writing the following, I am able to find the same level of peace.  To finally let go of some of the dreams that haunt me when I wake up and to find a sense of release from the pain that I want to not be there.  I admitted that I came from a broken childhood, what I am going to admit now is quite a bit more recent and feels like enough time has passed that it is time to let it go.

I have not had any contact with my mom in nearly 3 years.  I chose to close the door on our relationship because quite frankly it was unhealthy and was hurting any chance of my sustaining loving relationships in the future.  I was physically hurt and mentally chastised by her since I was 17 years old, maybe longer, but admitting that would help nothing as I was a child.  I was taught that my physical appearance mattered more than who I was inside, or that education was less important than being a sensuous and manipulative partner.  I tried for years to be her voice of reason and prevent her from hurting herself or those around her.  I failed, and became a weaker person in the process.  I lost years of my life trapped in  conflict and unaware that I was caught in a web of hate and gossip.  I couldn’t break free for longer than a few weeks at a time.  I finally was able, with much support from my loved ones, to walk away.

Every  time we spoke for nearly 10 years, I had to walk on egg shells.  I could never tell if she was going to freak out, start crying, yell or hysterically laugh.  She was so unpredictable that I dreaded answering her calls, and even began having a beer in my hand prior to answering the phone.  I tried not answer her with anyone in the room because I was embarrassed that someone would overhear how we spoke to each other. 

I recall an instance when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.  My boyfriend at that time was too busy to take care of me so he pawned me off on my mom.  Things were OK day one.  She made me soup and hung out with me.  Day two, well, it was completely different.  Not only did I have my wisdom teeth out, but I had sprained my ankle 4 weeks earlier playing soccer.  So I was a bit of an invalid.  My mom and I did what had done a million times before, we played Mario Party, to pass the time.  Here we were, laughing and gaming, when all of a sudden the mood changed.  I teasingly said that if I stole her star I would win the game.  She jokingly said that wouldn’t be fair and I laughingly said, that it would be fun and we could play again after wards.  Well, I stole the star, and she went from happy to insane.  She started screaming that that was not how I was raised and that I was a horrible person.  I called my boyfriend in tears and he sped the 45 minute drive to pick me up.  I was screamed at for the entire time.  When he arrived, my mother actually called me a bitch and kicked me in the recently sprained ankle, laughed and slammed the door shut.   I was 22 years old at the time.  This story is not the worst, or the strangest but it is one that I have replayed over in my mind countless times not really knowing what to make of it.  It does show the lunacy that I dealt with, the immaturity and a brief moment of pain for me.

I had no idea how to handle the Jekyll and Hyde, personality changes of this woman, but I tried until my early 30's.  I tried so hard.  And the result was pain, and conflict within myself.  I realized that I would never want my children around such an unpredictable woman.  And if I didn’t want my kids around her, why in the world would I want myself around her? 

The reality is that I have closed that door, for all the right reasons.  And now it is time to let the memories go.  There is no reason to hold onto all that anger.  To set free the moments that linger in my memory, the hate, the pain, the wondering why I don’t deserve to have a mother love me for who I am.