Monogamous Fantasies Versus Those in an Open Relationship

When my ex and I were together we had discussed the fantasy of another woman to play with.  I do not enjoy woman per se, but the fantasy involved more of a two people having sex scenario while one watches.  Not just a threesome where we all play together.  But I never felt that we would survive a relationship strain like that.   We both were comfortable or at the very least accepted the fantasy nature of the proposal and I do not think either of us ever made an active move to make it a reality. Besides as I mentioned before, I could barely walk into a sex store,  let alone try and approach another woman to watch him have sex with.  Now being open, there is a whole new set of issues where at times I feel unsure of how to talk about my fantasies because there are so many more opportunities to make them reality.  And some things are just hotter in my mind and I would never actually want to see them played out.  Talking about sex so freely is still new to me.  And often I stumble or at least feel like I stumble or that I am likely to say something inappropriate in the heat of the moment. 

I just do not recall having those issue when I was monogamous.  I could say the dirtiest things I could think of and it was all play and pretend.  I know I feel like I hold back a lot more these days, which is ironic because I do so much more.  I really think things through before I open my mouth.  I feel like if I state something I want to do, then I am bound by it.  And if it doesn’t come to fruition, it is a promise that I failed to deliver rather than just a sexy fantasy left on the table.  Open to possibilities, but not looking to currently pursue.  It is a much more suitable lifestyle for my wants and needs, but there are still landmines to navigate through. 

For my own peace of mind, I recognize that I am walking uncharted territory.  I have to be certain that my verbiage is clear and concise to ensure that when I discuss a sexy dream or a hot video I watched that my motivation are truthful.  As such I want to be very clear and direct in my next statement, and that is, I personally, was lazy in monogamy.  I was so convinced that the possibility of cheating, or towing the line was so far from my reality that my communication became poor, this is not imply that cheating is always a result of laziness in a relationship.  But I lost all reason to try and keep the spice up.  I was not clear when I discussed fantasies, my likes or dislikes in the bedroom and even when discussing the bigger issues in the aforementioned relationship I felt like I was walking on eggshells.  That if I was direct and clear I would upset this whole delicate balancing act that had become my life.  I know that I was part of D and I breaking up.  During our breakup, I was clear, direct and all the skills that I rarely used when we were together came together.  I felt a surreal closeness to him, in that he finally understood me and where I was coming from.  The whole too little too late concept. 

Being in an open relationship, communication is something that has to be constantly worked on.  I may have reservations discussing my fantasies at times, and the big reason behind that is I feel like such a beginner in my direct tone of phrase.  I feel like my brain is using muscles that were reserved for work alone, not my personal life.  And even then, rarely used.  I convinced myself early on that if I was too forward I would receive a negative reaction, thus the little device known as sugar coating came into my life.  And quite simply, when discussing a fantasy, sugar coating just will not do.  It is as much a turn off for my partner, as it is for me to use it.  I like a challenge, and I love working my brain as much as other areas, so I wouldn’t have it any other way when I look at the big picture.  I disliked myself for being lazy in monogamy, I just do not think that is even an option when you are successfully open. 

The Old House and Long Lost Days Continued

The house of those years mentioned in my previous blog, of course was about a lot more than sex, flirting and relationships.  The chaos that results from a bunch of guys forming bonds that are to last a lifetime certainly leads to a number of stories, and I was just a lone girl thrown into the mix.  Two showers clogged after a night of mud wrestling.  Blue stains all over the floor after Jell-o wrestling.   Discovering some amazing artistic talents painted on the walls, and the opposite written in chalk in the downstairs urinal.  And the stories go on and on, but this is after all a relationship blog, so these stories will just have to wait for another time and place. 

Liquid courage allows you to act on the impulses that you many keep hidden.  This was a house that actually had a liquor storage room and a beer machine.  Plus a whole bunch of bedrooms and couches.  It was a recipe for exploration and experimentation.  Hours were spent watching the “free” porn that suddenly appeared on the downstairs TV.  Nothing is quite like sitting in a basement drinking beer surrounded by a bunch of guys watching 70’s bush on rollerskates.  It really taught me to be less afraid of nudity and porn.  Here were a bunch of guys watching it, laughing, hanging out and there was no stress.  It was not cheating, or idealizing woman, it was sex on TV, period.  It was actually on 24 hours a day for so long, you almost forgot it was even there.  It became a natural staple of the house, and the boys were pretty upset when one day it just went away.  So the house provided a very good thing, and that was to teach me porn was not evil.  But there were down sides to being surrounded by all these guys too.

I always knew that I wanted outside attention, but the stigma that I would be called a cheating slut, or a tease kept me in line.  But it did not make me happy.  The Bro code was a major factor in keeping those closest to me from making a move.  And when you are young and trying to accept how you look it was a challenge.  I had always heard that girls were objectified, and sexualized, but that just was never the case for me.  It puzzled me that in the eyes of the guys who knew me best I was not somebody they wanted to sleep with.  Instead I played a role where I could speak my mind, have opinions and challenge the best of them, but never be a sexual person.  I felt on some level that once guys got to know me, they would no longer want to sleep with me.  That I was more of a guys guy versus an attractive female.  When I went out into the real world, not surrounded by these men who regarded me as something other than I was, I felt confused.  It was a shock to my system each and every time a guy would hold my glance.  Or stare at me as a walked away, woman too for that matter. 

I often wonder, if I was freer to flirt, or if the guys around me could have flirted with me, how things would have turned out.  Clearly much differently, and I probably would not have such amazing friends from that time in my life.  That house has held many secrets, and very few of them are mine. The amount of Eskimo brothers (another League Reference) that have resulted from those days is quite impressive, and I wonder if the guys even know who they all are.   I watched this all go down around me, and perhaps I thought that I was above it all or not worthy of that kind of attention.  That I would never make those mistakes, and that living vicariously through my peers was enough.  But it turns out, I was naive.  I played the good girl, the innocent one, the spectator who watched almost everything.  And yet here I am realizing that it was all an act, and I could have had so much more fun than I did.  I do not say that with regret, more the knowledge that perhaps I needed the stability of monogamy to help me get through all the challenges and hurdles that life was throwing at me in those days.

I feel a little alone at times without the safety of that house, and I miss all that happened there, the good and the bad.  That group of guys that I saw on an almost daily basis and now I run into by chance alone.  The lessons learned both in the house and when I joined the real world.  I feel like I lost a little of who I was when that house closed it doors.  Now all I can do is look back on lessons learnt, but face the future with the knowledge of the past while running towards my new adventures.

If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

In my early adulthood I was in a monogamous relationship.  My boyfriend at the time was in a fraternity which had a house right across from where we all attended university, hence I was surrounded by a lot of men.  There were parties nearly every weekend there, and rarely was there an evening when you could not find someone who was willing to chill, or get obliterated with.  I have fond memories of those days, and many of the guys I have remained friends with to this day.  After reminiscing with a friend from those frat house days I really got to thinking about those long lost days.  The whole wish I could go back there, knowing what I know now, and do it all over again sentiment came up.  The thing about that is, I would be fearful of the trouble I would get into with my current knowledge, I don’t think I would be smarter, in fact I think I would have taken a lot more risks.

Let me set the scene a bit, I was surrounded by guys, pretty much daily.  I drank, swore, and partied with the best of them, and at times we got to see the worst of each other.  I was pretty much off limits though to anything more than the lightest of flirting.  I was part of the team, and had to have a few chats whereby I ensured that I was treated like one of the guys and not a chick available to bone.  Sex was completely off of the table, so I was comfortable just hanging out, making Jello shots, and drinking till dawn.  Sometimes I would have internal battles with myself whereby I wanted these guys to think I was sexy or good looking.  But every time that came up I would squash it, perhaps a part of me just did not trust myself.  Either way, I was sexually a very good girl considering all the opportunities that I could have pursued. 

But now looking back, knowing what I know now, I would not have been such a good girl.  I would have taken more risks, I would have flirted with opportunities and I most definitely would have done a whole heck of lot more sexual exploration.  Is that not what University is supposed to be about?  I am not sure if I would have had the mental maturity at the time to deal with everything that could have come up, so I am glad that things ended the way they did.  But I do envy some of the ladies who took advantage of the people and circumstances that this house provided.  Like I said, I was just not allowed to be sexualized there, and so unless someone was new in the house and did not know who I was, I rarely got flirted with or treated like a female.  It was an odd thing to come to terms with.  I guess if I really think about it, that could be why I stuck with D so long.  He was the only one to really pay me any sexual attention.  I was isolated from outside flirting.

I would never give up my potentially lifelong friends for what would have been an awkward one night stand, or inappropriate flirting.  However if I was able to go back in time, well there would have been temptation, and I would have absolutely learned how to flirt earlier.  I would have taken advantage of situations and made my mistakes with my peers all in the name of fun and adventure.   On the other hand perhaps there is truth in the rumours that no guy touched me because they believed I was underage when I first started hanging around.  And if that’s the case then I have misread all the years  that have passed since those party days.  But truthfully, I would have been a handful if I was who I am now with that house, so no regrets about what I know now.  

Picket Against Vasectomies Today!

I have heard quite a few radio ads as of late, trying to sell vasectomies as a quick and painless procedure for men.  Vasectomies are the number one method of male birth control and the ads are run at all hours of the day.  I have not heard any media discussion or any church groups that are working together to ban the airing of these ads.  Nor have I read any discussion that is working to force these doctors that provide this service to add in health warnings that vasectomies do not prevent STI’s or STD’s.  The men and their available method of birth control, is simply left alone.  Men do not need a referral from their doctors in most cases to book an appointment, they can simply make an appointment over the phone and ‘snip snip’ their boys no longer run the risk of creating babies.  Where are the protests?  Where is the public outcry that governments should regulate the male body? 

Parents are free to choose to circumcise their baby boys, and grown men are free to choose to get a vasectomy or a circumcision.  Men have the freedom of choice when it comes to their penis.  Doctors may choose to council their patients out of having a vasectomy if too young but these are individual decisions without regulation or restriction from the government.  The responsibility lies in the highly educated medical professional making a recommendation to his patient and patient doing what he feels is right for him, nothing more and nothing less. 

In case anyone may be making the wrong conclusions from the above, let me be clear that I think all of the above is perfectly acceptable.  Men should be free to make their own choices with their own bodies free of government regulations and restrictions.  Men look to the medical professionals to perform a required service when they have worked towards an educated decision for their own bodies.  There is no counselling required, just a few waivers and paperwork followed by a quick in and out. 

Maybe this is in part because vasectomies are not being blamed for the disintegration of our society, or the demoralizing about what sex’s true purpose is.  Men are not being hounded and picketed for making a choice that stops the creation of life.  They are not murders for failing to allow their millions of swimmers from reaching their targeted goal.  Or perhaps the media just forgot to report on all the religious rights who are trying to end vasectomies today.  Just something to think about if you have ever tried to restrict a woman from doing what she feels is necessary to ensure that she prevents procreating when the time is not appropriate.  Men have freedom of choice, and woman should have no less than equal consideration.

A Few of My Laugh or Cry Moments

With a bold new photo up and a few NSFW posts I decided I should probably write a post that was bit lighter in nature.  So I am going to share with you all a few memorable moments from my past that have really shaped who I am today, for better or for worse.  When I was a teenager I worked retail selling shoes, which in of itself is a resource for many many stories.  But it was the women I worked with, who really played that key role in aiding the formation of my current open state of mind far from my youthful naive nature.  From boob job inspections, to ladies trying on shoes without underwear in tight little white sundresses, I saw a lot.  It really desensitized me, and lead to my now apparent lack of shock when new or strange situations present themselves.  Perhaps that is why I write in such a matter of fact manor and can fail to recognize when a post I have written comes off as funny.  Here are two such moments for your consideration and perhaps even some amusement.

It was closing time at the shoe store and one of my co-workers was being picked up by her boyfriend.  This was my first time meeting him, so I introduced myself and then went about with my closing duties.  I remember thinking how good looking he was, and I was a little embarrassed at how bright red I went when I shook his hand.  The next day my co-worker laughingly told me that her boyfriend’s first impression of me was that “I was an in the closet dominatrix”.  To say that I was speechless and confused was an understatement and I still have no idea what could have possibly given him that impression.  This was the first of many bizarre first impressions that I have given off, and actually prompted me to start writing oddities like this down.

Next up, we have me trying to make an appointment for my cat Spaz.  He had an infection and I needed to take him in to my vet for some antibiotics.  I was not supposed to use the phone in my cubicle for personal calls at work, so I was trying to be very quiet and discreet on the phone.  A lady answered the phone and I told her who I was and gave her my cat’s name.  She mumbles something and I just barely heard the words “pearl necklace”.  “What?” I whispered very sharply.  “Do you have a pearl necklace” repeats the woman on the on the other end.  “Excuse me!?”  I demand getting a little too loud for my cubicle.  “Are you wearing a pearl necklace?” she repeats.  I am extremely agitated by this point and getting quite angry.  Who the hell is asking me about something so inappropriate from my vet’s office?  So I almost yell into the phone “I don’t know who the hell this is, but this is incredibly inappropriate to ask somebody!  Who is this?.”  The woman on the phone is now laughing her ass off and through fits of giggling gets out her name.  All of a sudden all the pieces fall right into place.

When I worked at the aforementioned shoe store, one of my assistant managers was describing to me how messy sex was, during business hours of course.  From the noises to the messy cleanup down your leg it was all very graphic and detailed.  I was not very experienced in the sex at this point so she asked me knowingly if I ever got pearl necklaces.   I looked blankly and she very matter of fact told me what those were and how much nicer the clean-up was afterwards.   A few days later she grabbed a notebook and drew a cute stick girl with a real pearl necklace.   To this day I still have that drawing in my desk.  This former co-worker who years before had drawn me this picture was now working for my vet’s office and had been just waiting for the day when I called in.  Oh and on a side note, it was interesting at best telling the girl who sat across from my cubicle this story in a edited for workplace manor why I started yelling on the phone.  

I have so many more stories of a similar nature it was actually a little difficult to pick just these two to share.  These random moments as I said have really shaped how I react to things, or more truthfully just turn red and  watch in amazement at the randomness that is my life sometimes.  A co-worked of mine told me recently that sometimes hearing my stories and the strange incidents that make up my life, he feels like my life is an episode of Peanuts.  I guess deep down I understand what he is getting at, just shrug and laugh it off.

Am I Allowed to Talk About the O Face? NSFW

There have been quite a few studies done about the chemistry of kissing, and the hormones, pheromones, scent, taste etc that go into sexual attraction.  We are all curious if there is a reason we are turned on when we see so and so walking down the street, versus ignoring the other thousand people that we encounter daily.  Doctors and scientists debate the issue of whether there is some chemical  basis between two individuals and their spark, if it is emotionally based or just a range of other factors all working together.  I could add to this debate, but there is one item that I want to weigh in on a little more specifically, and that is the cum face or the vinegar strokes that appear moments before the point of no return.  Yes, this is why I had to put another NSFW in the title. (I actually have a funny story about how I learned about what NSFW meant, and octopus porn, but I will save that for another time!)

I do not know if other people out there agree with me, or even recognize this as something that plays into their compatibility with their partners. More likely it is just something that people do not discuss in polite conversation.  And it is a hard subject to research online, as the amount of actual porn that comes up far outweighs any real research.  So here is something I have figured out for myself, and researched by getting my friends really drunk and asking them in awkward social groups.  And that is, could you be with a partner whose cum face turned you off?  As a follow up to that, can you learn to enjoy a partner’s cum face, to gradually be turned on by the thought of it or is it an all or nothing sort of thing.  How does that O face really factor into your sex life and your overall attraction? 

I have heard the horror stories of people giggling when they encountered a new sexual partners orgasm face, and the moments right beforehand.  I personally have been turned off by a partner or two’s “cumming “ reaction.  And I have felt awful about it afterwards, but it turned out to be a really big red flag for me.  If I did not enjoy watching my partner get off, then we could not proceed.  I want those moments when I am lost in thought, and have a happy shudder thinking about the knee jerk expression of raw sex.  That is how I want to think about all my partners past and present.  I feel like I have lost out when I do not have that.  Perhaps that is how some people feel about kissing.  That electrical spark that seems to snap through the air the first time your lips meet.  For me, the first kiss is nothing more than a first kiss.  I may feel that spark once in memory and then that is it.  The memory that lasts for me is that cum face.  The sound, and visual are almost permanently stamped in my memory.  I lament when that O face sucks, and is void of a sound to give me a full memory to come back to.

And I am almost positive that a females orgasm face can have the same effect on a man.  It took me a long time to gain some self confidence in that department.  To be able to get lost in the moment and not care what I looked like, and most importantly for me, not care about just how stupidly red my face gets!  I even tried to minimize how many times I would orgasm so that I would not be so red.  Ah, to be young and stupid again.  I have now come to appreciate that I cannot change what I look like, or what my partners look like.  It will either be a turn on, or a turn off and that will be the end of things.  So hopefully I have not created any unnecessary complexes by writing about this.  

The big O face matters to me and my sex life.  I hope each and every one of you who read this will take a moment and think about what your partner’s cum face looks and get a little turned on, or a lot.  And if you would like to share your thoughts on what your partners O face means to you, I would love to hear about it, for science of course!

Perceptions About Penis Size: Thanks Porn

So my last post may have come across a little critical of porn for making things look easier said then done.  But I also want to touch a bit on some good things it has done for society... and more specifically for me.  I have written a topic or two on porn just porn and how it should not be a threat to any relationship if viewed in moderation and respectfully.  And as a follow up to that, porn is more than just hot, and a way for humans to get off, porn can also be useful in our sex negative society.  Of course I say that with full knowledge that there is something out there for everybody, and I do mean everybody, which is not always a good thing.  There is not a soul out there who in good conscience can say there is any positive to child pornography.  That one is an open and shut case and I do not think needs any further discussion.

But what about my claim that some porn is actually useful and goes a step forward to creating more whole, sexual human beings?  I, growing up, was always told that men have penis envy.  Men are shy about their junk, and get easily embarrassed when they get compared to other men.  I have been told that the worst thing a girl can ever do is to tell their partner about the other penis’ they have seen, or in anyway, shape or form compare dick sizes.  This has been drilled into my head over and over, by peers, media and various other forms of social normalization I have encountered.  To go a step further, I have also been taught that men must always believe that their penis is the biggest and the best, and that it hurts their manhood to discover that some other guy is more endowed than they are.  Perhaps I am the only girl who was ever taught this extremely short-sighted  and largely inaccurate stigma.

I mentioned before a book called “A Billion Wicked Thoughts” by  Ogi Ogas and Sai Goddam, and I feel now is a great time to touch on it again.  One of the chapters specifically discussed how men are more turned on in heterosexual porn when the men in scene have a big cock.  And not just a large cock, but an extremely large cock.  This is contrary to anything I had ever heard before.  My assumption would have been that viewing a penis smaller than their own would have been more satisfying from a male dominance angle, but truth is stranger than fiction.  Thanks in part to porn and viewing larger penis’ men seem to have come to terms with other dicks being larger than their own.  I do not think this concept could be possible without having porn readily available.  And the benefits for their partners are also there.  That fear of admitting you have slept with a man who was extremely well endowed is less apparent.  Talking about it, in some cases, can even be a huge turn on.  Men are actually becoming less frightened with regards to cocks and potential inadequacies.  Honestly this concept is just downright fascinating to me.

Ron Jeremy is an icon, but he not just an icon for woman.  He is a man’s man and every interview or comment I have read about him states that he is just a really nice guy.  Why is the average man not terrified that his partner is comparing his much smaller genitals to the obviously bigger porn stars?  This is what I was lead to believe for so many years, and it amazes me just how far from the truth this actually is.  Yes, there are men who are uncomfortable with their sizes and are insecure, just as there are woman who fantasize about playing with the massive cock, but these are actually exceptions and not the norm.  And that is a really good thing, a thing that needs to continue despite what the media, would like to have us believe.  Porn is not some evil entity that is ruining our sex lives, in fact it is enhancing it.  Giving us a real visual for what is out there.  Eliminating the need to wonder and therefore worry about what might be hiding in your next door neighbors pants.  Porn is helping to alleviate the fear of the unknown, allowing us to overcome those preconceived notions that do our society harm.  Penis size is just one small way that porn is helping our society become more sex positive, and also I really like writing a blog post where I can say dick and cock so many times.