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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Confidence: When Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I wrote a post about having a good dating state of mind a few years back.  And about the importance of having confidence and being a whole person to be attractive to a potential mate.  I may even have written the phrase “fake it till you make it” a time or two in blogs past.  Now these elements are incredibly important to being a whole person, and dating in general, but there may be a place where this doesn't work out so well.  And that is when men/women who are not quite sure what they want approach someone who is currently in an open relationship.

I have non monogamous / living together on all my online profiles.  The hope from this is that guys will message me if they are OK with that.  Of course I get a tonne of guys who just want to sleep with me, because they assume that’s what I am looking for.  But I also get a few little gems who are trying to convince themselves that non monogamy is just what they need, and in turn try to convince me that they are OK with everything involved.  But after a first meeting or a few message back and forth, the truth is, they want something much different, and rarely is it an ethical non monogamous relationship.

Over the last 6 or so years, two guys spring to mind that fall in to this category.  They both said they were confident guys, who actually liked the fact that I have a long term boyfriend as that took the pressure off of them.  And that they were bachelors by choice, and they could handle the situation.  They bragged about how easy going they were, that they were not needy at all, and admired that trait in me.  Here’s the rub though, their actions displayed the exact opposite behavior.  The two guys very quickly fell for me.  They would ask me repeatedly if they could be my boyfriend and kept saying that they wished I was single.  Or they would sneak into the conversation a jab or two at my partners expense, you know, things like, they would never let me go out on my own like this, displaying traits of possessiveness or jealousy.  And that one time when the guy asked me outright just how stable my primary relationship was. 

Now I could infer that they just wanted to get into my pants, by any means necessary, and lied about being OK with me being open.  But it really seems more than that.  These guys actually seemed to fall for me, which was odd as I didn't sleep with either of them.  And for whatever their reasons they were not comfortable that I was not theirs even with full disclosure on my end.  I don't know how I could be any clearer, and I even shared with them my blog.   

These men were extremely attracted to my confidence and my independence.  And those are traits I found exciting in them.  So the let down, when in fact they were merely projecting made me not even want to entertain a friendship.  There is no harm in just stating that you find open relationships intriguing and you would like to try.  Even asking if I am OK with that, and that you may not like it at all because you truly have have no idea if that is for you or not are all normal.  Hell, I started writing this blog because I wasn't sure that I wanted an open relationship myself, or if I just wanted E.  But choose honesty, rather than boasting and then falling short.  If you don't yet have confidence or know what you want, please choose to be honest. 

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

My Open Relationship Means I Am No Longer One of the Guys... And It Sucks.

Once upon a time, I would talk openly about my sex life, wants and desires with my male friends.  I would have a few beers and shoot the shit with my boys.  I would talk sex, and sex appeal like it was nothing.  Guys would discuss sexual frustrations and conquests in my company and I would join, make fun or commiserate with them.  It was normal, natural and comfortable for me, but that time seems like nothing but a fairy tale now.  Why did this behaviour change?  Because of my open relationship status.

I am no longer comfortable with the guys, and the only thing to have changed is that I am in an open relationship.  I’ve struggled with the loss of my male friends as I have mentioned in previous posts, and the unfortunate thing is, I cannot get any of the friendships with these particular men back.  The dynamic has shifted to one where, being monogamous with a man, gave me the right to talk about sex without my male companions taking things too far.  I had earned the freedom to speak my mind, in part because I was unattainable.  In an open relationship, I have lost that protection. 

Now, I cannot get through guys heads, that I am still unattainable to my friends.  I do not want to sleep with every man I see, and no my close male friends do not have a chance with me.  But in the back of their minds, there is a chance that I will cave and thus they misinterpret shooting the shit, as they have a chance.  It freaking sucks sometimes.  I used to love the freedom of expression that I got hanging out with guys, my real guy friends.  And I am not just one of those woman who was deluded into thinking that she was one of the guys, as I was.  I have been the only chick who attended guys nights more times than I can count.  And, I was usually welcomed by everyone there except my ex, though he warmed up to the idea after a while. 

I have tried so many times over the past few years to make male friends.  To state explicitly that we are only friends and to just treat me like one of the guys.  But the second they find out I am in an open relationship, BAM, friendship is over, and the hunt begins.  It gets exhausting for me to keep shooting guys down.  I feel like a pompous ass writing that, but that’s the truth.  I get hit on, all the freaking time, by guys who I would like to be able to trust and open up to.  The way I used.  The way they still do to me.  

But now, I just don’t enjoy being part of guys night.  Now, I feel like I have to be on guard.  That I have to watch what I say, because the last few times I have been out with the boys, it has ended in disaster.  One instance a guy started putting E down, by telling me that I could do so much better, and would if I was free of him, and E was in the same freaking room.  A tactic that actually almost ended two friendships instead of just the one.  And more recently, I started getting racy facebook messages from a guy that I am clearly not interested in, and have not made even the slightest hint that I am.  But, he reads my blog, and feels that he has every right to start flirting with me.  Is he thinking that I write it for him?  Or just not thinking long term at all because he enjoys the pictures?  I have no clue, other than that I have tried to shut that down a few times, but to no avail.   

So the takeaway seems to be that because I am open, I have a target on my back.  I am free for the picking.  That I don't actually need friends, or good conversation, or even just a fun night of beer and shenanigans like I used to.  No, instead, you would rather try taking that less than 1% shot that you have a chance with me, and ensure that you don't have a cool, fun chick that you can just hang out with. 

And seriously guys, you fucked up on this one.  You're immature and thinking with your dicks!  And what's more, my stories are much more interesting now. 

Monday, 6 March 2017

Openly Dating Online or Cheating?

Publicly stating on my online profiles that I am living with someone, or in an open relationship often leads people to get the wrong idea.  I frequently get openers stating that the guy is in a similar “situation” and would be "discreet if and when we met up, so not to worry".  It’s quite a bold opener, making all sorts of assumptions about me and my lifestyle.  But it does get me wondering about the men who are online just to cheat.

I had a guy message me stating that he was married and looking for something on the side because he had not had sex in over a year.  I asked why he didn’t just get a divorce.  His reply was that they were in the process but had 10 months left on their lease, so they would stay together until then.  And the very next day, his profile was gone.  Similar stories to this one happen all the time.  Sometimes the guy is honest about just needing some stress relief, or other times he will say he is in an open relationship just like me, and would I mind if we kept this whole thing a secret. 

I am public in my open status because I am not cheating.  Or I am not cheating because I am honest with myself, my partner, and the people that I am chatting with.  Either way, I find it difficult not to get a little squeamish at the thought that there are men online actively seeking out sex and not being honest with their partners.  Too often I have listened to gut wrenching stories from my loved ones who are devastated because they found out they were cheated on.  It is a pain that you don’t forget.  Having experienced it myself and having emotionally cheated in past relationships I know the damage.  I am not perfect.  I have done some crappy things when I was not in a happy, healthy relationship.  So I would never say I am above it, as that would make me a hypocrite.  That being said, I recognized where I strayed and adjusted my life, and even changed partners (but that's another story) and found a lifestyle that works for me.

I love to flirt, and I would be miserable if I didn’t have the ability to do it, if and when I choose to.  I like getting to know new people, and finding out their stories.  But cheating is something that hurts people.  If you can lie to someone you love, or used to love, then end it.  You do no favors to yourself, to you partner or to your future partner.  Find a way to be happy and not cheat.  If you have to make compromises then do it, but do not use the online dating world, which is crappy enough, to add your BS to.  I am open, my partner knows I am online and I know he is online.  I have seen his profile, he has seen mine.  And what’s more, we met online.  I believe that the system can be wonderful if honesty is a part, or at least flat out lies are removed from the equation.  So if you’re cheating, please don’t message me, I am not impressed by how big your cock is and I do not believe it will go to waste.  Save us both the trouble, and keep me from being a part of future tears.  Being honest isn’t always easy, but freaking man up!